after almost 20 years married, and and more than 25 years since i've known her. She is kicking me out. She asked me to move out. We got to know each other in high school, and started out as friends, i looked at her no more than a little sister (she was a year younger than me), and there wasn't anything romantic, but one day, she played a song for me that seemed to make me think that i had a chance with her - and the rest is history. 3 kids later, this happened.
In many ways, i blame the kids (i feel really bad for saying this, as i really love them), but since they arrived, i have felt that i lost my wife. Everything is about them, everything about them comes first. I felt like a poor second fiddle. All the while, i was working my ass off at work, and trying to make sure i was making enough for the family. But i'm getting ahead of myself.
18 years ago, we moved here, she was very supportive, encouraging me to take this new job, telling me that she really didn't have much where we were (her parents broke up when she was 8, and her dad passed on a couple of years before we moved, her mum and her have this wierd relationship where they would go into a cold war and not talk to each other for months, then suddenly talk, and it's like nothing happened, her brother and sisters have super complex lives, none of them made it out of high school, she is the only one that made it through university). When the time came close to moving, she wanted to stay for a few more months, as it was when her bonus was to be paid, looking back, i was selfish, as i was starting out in a new place, and couldn't see myself doing this without her by my side, so i insisted that she leave her job and skip the bonus... so began our journey...it was great at first, while she wasn't too happy to miss out on the money, she was happy to be away from her complex family, and her stressful job. She took this opportunity to pull back a bit, and relax, she learnt to drive, started to explore, and started to find interests which she had never imagined she would have time to indulge in (crafting). As i was starting a new career, i did what i could to encourage her new found interests, and was happy she was doing something she loved, vs something she had to do to survive. Soon, my income was enough to support both of us comfortably, and we decided to move from our apartment to a nice mid-sized house. This is where we had our first kids, twins! total surprise! gave me fever when i saw the ultrasound (till this day i have no idea why) The pregnancy was quite tough, and she gained a ton of weight, but she was generally happy. Then the kids arrived, and everything seemed to change. First mistake, i decided to take the paternity (after the bad advice of colleagues) a few months after the kids arrives, i also complained a little when her mum was here for the first month after the birth of the twins, where i was longing for some alone time with the family without her mum being around. Her mum was also odd, as while she was enjoying the time with the babies, was always wanting to go back as she wanted to take care of her son... they even argued while her mum was here, so i thought it was best that i hastened her mum's departure...
When her mum left, she apparently fell into depression, something i never knew until the last few years when she started to remind me about the time i didn't take paternity, and chased her mum home. There was apparently an incident where she was so distraught that she locked the twins crying in the store, while she felt helpless outside. She apparently had called me, and i had waved her off... on her first mothers day, i also don't know what got into me, she had apparently asked me what i was getting her for mothers day, and i can't remember why i said it, but i had apprently said "you aren't my mother"... which hurt her tremendously - and while i've been trying to make up for it every other mothers day, it remains a huge sore point for her.
So the problem with me is that i have a terrible memory, i don't know why, but i tend not to remember anything overly emotional... or i just forget details. To remember stuff at work, i have to work very hard at it, and it's clear i drop the effort when i get home. All i am recounting is actually based on her reminding me on what wrong i have done in her life... but its clear, my frustration had been building at the same time - with her priorities on the kids, i felt more alone than ever, and since we were so busy feeding, changing, fighting the lack of sleep with the kids, it was a daze, and there was never really an opportunity to talk about it - she is also the kind that is instantly defensive when i bring up the fact that i feel neglected - always saying - how can i compare myself to a baby, baby is helpless, adults can fend for yourself.
it was especially tough, as i was working really hard, as i was seeing an opportunity to get ahead, and do well at work - i may have just decided to overcompenstate and focus on work.
fast forward a couple of years, the house was filling up - mostly with baby stuff, she had bought so much clothes for the kids, cute clothes, but they were piling up, the toys - i always think that because she had a tough childhood with her dad leaving at such a young age, she was trying to overcompensate with her attention on the kids, 2 years after the twins, out of the blue, she decided we should try for another, and wala, we got another. this time i took the paternity immediately, we had her younger brother fly out with her mum, as we didn't want her mum travelling alone, he was between jobs, so it seemed like a good idea. Except he smokes, and while he was nice enough to smoke outdoors, the smoked still leaked into the house. He also refused to sleep in the guest room with her mum (on seperate beds) and made our living room his home... i got annoyed first with losing the living room, then smelling smoke, i told her about my annoyance, which led to her fighting with her brother, and he decided to leave suddenly... when he left, her mum got worried, and shortly after decided to leave as well. She blames me for driving a wedge with her brother
the 3rd kid was a lot of fun, but again, the clothes and toys started to pile up, it got so bad that one of the spare bedrooms was full of stuff that we couldn't even walk in... my solution - let's buy a bigger house, at this point, i was doing well enough at work that i felt we deserved a bigger place. She was not supportive, keeps telling me that i was the person that wanted to move, not her. unfortunately, we had to move further out, so that we can actually afford something nice and large - but it was further away from town then she liked, the only saving grace, was the school district was really good.
There were complications in selling our old place, buyer was going to back out last minute, at this point, i had already got a mortgage and knew i couldn't afford 2 places, so she devised a plan to help convince the buyer to go through with the purchase - it worked. I was pretty distraught by the experience, and also terrifically busy at work, so much so that i didn't plan well for the eventual move. Something she keeps reminding me - that i took very few days off to pack, and then when the movers came, had to panic pack, and move - something she tells me that she is super embarrased by..
so we move in, and i'm still busy, so i felt less pressure to unpack, but she kept hounding me about boxes being in this room and that - that i didn't care about unpacking... couple of months into the move, i kinda snapped at her, and called her a ***** for nagging at me so much. This was apparently (to her), the first sign that something was wrong, that how could i call her names, did i not respect her as she didn't work and wasn't making money? it took us quite a while, and alot of apologizing from my part for her to seem to get over it (but it didn't really go away, while i forget easily, she never forgets, never). 2 years ago, i was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, first thing she tells, "i told you not to drink so much soda/juice", of course, she follows up with kind words like "let's figure out what to cook etc". I was pretty sad at getting this, but later found out that my dad had it too, and it could be genetic.. that said, i started to change my entire diet - but it was hard trying to do that without impacting the family - mainly cos we usually eat white rice, and now i couldn't... so she felt stressed trying to figure out what to cook (even though, i usually do the cooking). In the meantime, our huge house was filling up with stuff again, stuff for the kids, crafting... i'd admit, i like my gadgets, so i contributed as well, but not to the extent as her and the kids. Kids are also super messy... we got so much legos for them, that they took over the formal living room - its full of legos, the basement is full of toys, her craftroom is full of craft supplies... to the point here we don't have anything over as we are too embarrassed at the state of the home.. We lived this ways for a couple of years... soon it was 5 years in this new house, and it was chok full of stuff... something happened last year... likely work stress brought home, but i snapped again, this time i threw some plates and broke the rice cooker, i can't remember the details, but i know i snapped really badly, i wonder if it was the blood sugar at work, and i even hurt myself. I scared her, the kids, and i sought therapy, and it didn't really help resolve anything for me - it seemed to be frustration - as i felt i couldn't talk to her or get through... after some months things got back to normal (or so it seems), we got caught up in life, kids... etc
a week ago, just before our twins field trip to another state, one morning, i snapped again, it started with me cooking breakfast that the kids complained about, and she piled on. Apparently she wasn't happy that i had moved a vacuum cleaner over her stuff the night before, and it boiled over. I felt insulted about the food situation - having toiled in the morning to get stuff for everything to eat.. and i felt it was delicious!
so i was kind frustrated and acting up - while trying to clear the diswasher, i was having problems putting a pot away into a packed shelf, and asked her to help as she had a way of doing it... she complained loudly how useless i was at this, and i couldn't even get the simpliest thing done and no one helps her with clearning the house... i snapped, i told her that if it wasn't for her filling up the house, perhaps we would all not be so stressed, she went into a tizzy, immediately taking up bags and filling it with stuff (her laptop, craft supplies, etc) and made a beeline for the door to throw them out - i went after her, and in trying to catch her, managed to shove heroff balance (she didn't fall), she stopped, glared at me, and yelled "how dare you!" "how dare you lay a finger on me!" and on and on....realizing my mistake, i immediately apologized, but the damage had been done... she told me that it's a felony what i've done, that she hates me for doing it, that even her dad who left never did this to her mum etc... but i think what compounds it is that i hurt her really bad by saying that she cluttered up the home...
so here i am a week later, apologizing every opportunity i get - that she has asked me to leave, or she would leave herself. I am starting to look at placed, but i'm heartbroken... i don't know what to do... i worry that leaving would mean she would spiral even more... i don't want to lose her - but she insists with the shove i have.... i have a great career now, just got promoted again, but it's all joyless as the homefront is crumbling... i love my kids, and i never blame them for taking my wife away, but i could never really understand how she can give me up in a heartbeat for the the kids.
i don't know why i am writing this down, perhaps i don't want to forget... but i am not looking forward to leaving the family, and losing her... she doesn't believe in counseling... she doesn't think she has any issues, but it's all me, lack of respect, control.... perhaps i am really a bad person...