she is kicking me out :( - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:10 AM Thread Starter
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she is kicking me out :(

after almost 20 years married, and and more than 25 years since i've known her. She is kicking me out. She asked me to move out. We got to know each other in high school, and started out as friends, i looked at her no more than a little sister (she was a year younger than me), and there wasn't anything romantic, but one day, she played a song for me that seemed to make me think that i had a chance with her - and the rest is history. 3 kids later, this happened.

In many ways, i blame the kids (i feel really bad for saying this, as i really love them), but since they arrived, i have felt that i lost my wife. Everything is about them, everything about them comes first. I felt like a poor second fiddle. All the while, i was working my ass off at work, and trying to make sure i was making enough for the family. But i'm getting ahead of myself.

18 years ago, we moved here, she was very supportive, encouraging me to take this new job, telling me that she really didn't have much where we were (her parents broke up when she was 8, and her dad passed on a couple of years before we moved, her mum and her have this wierd relationship where they would go into a cold war and not talk to each other for months, then suddenly talk, and it's like nothing happened, her brother and sisters have super complex lives, none of them made it out of high school, she is the only one that made it through university). When the time came close to moving, she wanted to stay for a few more months, as it was when her bonus was to be paid, looking back, i was selfish, as i was starting out in a new place, and couldn't see myself doing this without her by my side, so i insisted that she leave her job and skip the bonus... so began our journey...it was great at first, while she wasn't too happy to miss out on the money, she was happy to be away from her complex family, and her stressful job. She took this opportunity to pull back a bit, and relax, she learnt to drive, started to explore, and started to find interests which she had never imagined she would have time to indulge in (crafting). As i was starting a new career, i did what i could to encourage her new found interests, and was happy she was doing something she loved, vs something she had to do to survive. Soon, my income was enough to support both of us comfortably, and we decided to move from our apartment to a nice mid-sized house. This is where we had our first kids, twins! total surprise! gave me fever when i saw the ultrasound (till this day i have no idea why) The pregnancy was quite tough, and she gained a ton of weight, but she was generally happy. Then the kids arrived, and everything seemed to change. First mistake, i decided to take the paternity (after the bad advice of colleagues) a few months after the kids arrives, i also complained a little when her mum was here for the first month after the birth of the twins, where i was longing for some alone time with the family without her mum being around. Her mum was also odd, as while she was enjoying the time with the babies, was always wanting to go back as she wanted to take care of her son... they even argued while her mum was here, so i thought it was best that i hastened her mum's departure...

When her mum left, she apparently fell into depression, something i never knew until the last few years when she started to remind me about the time i didn't take paternity, and chased her mum home. There was apparently an incident where she was so distraught that she locked the twins crying in the store, while she felt helpless outside. She apparently had called me, and i had waved her off... on her first mothers day, i also don't know what got into me, she had apparently asked me what i was getting her for mothers day, and i can't remember why i said it, but i had apprently said "you aren't my mother"... which hurt her tremendously - and while i've been trying to make up for it every other mothers day, it remains a huge sore point for her.

So the problem with me is that i have a terrible memory, i don't know why, but i tend not to remember anything overly emotional... or i just forget details. To remember stuff at work, i have to work very hard at it, and it's clear i drop the effort when i get home. All i am recounting is actually based on her reminding me on what wrong i have done in her life... but its clear, my frustration had been building at the same time - with her priorities on the kids, i felt more alone than ever, and since we were so busy feeding, changing, fighting the lack of sleep with the kids, it was a daze, and there was never really an opportunity to talk about it - she is also the kind that is instantly defensive when i bring up the fact that i feel neglected - always saying - how can i compare myself to a baby, baby is helpless, adults can fend for yourself. it was especially tough, as i was working really hard, as i was seeing an opportunity to get ahead, and do well at work - i may have just decided to overcompenstate and focus on work.

fast forward a couple of years, the house was filling up - mostly with baby stuff, she had bought so much clothes for the kids, cute clothes, but they were piling up, the toys - i always think that because she had a tough childhood with her dad leaving at such a young age, she was trying to overcompensate with her attention on the kids, 2 years after the twins, out of the blue, she decided we should try for another, and wala, we got another. this time i took the paternity immediately, we had her younger brother fly out with her mum, as we didn't want her mum travelling alone, he was between jobs, so it seemed like a good idea. Except he smokes, and while he was nice enough to smoke outdoors, the smoked still leaked into the house. He also refused to sleep in the guest room with her mum (on seperate beds) and made our living room his home... i got annoyed first with losing the living room, then smelling smoke, i told her about my annoyance, which led to her fighting with her brother, and he decided to leave suddenly... when he left, her mum got worried, and shortly after decided to leave as well. She blames me for driving a wedge with her brother

the 3rd kid was a lot of fun, but again, the clothes and toys started to pile up, it got so bad that one of the spare bedrooms was full of stuff that we couldn't even walk in... my solution - let's buy a bigger house, at this point, i was doing well enough at work that i felt we deserved a bigger place. She was not supportive, keeps telling me that i was the person that wanted to move, not her. unfortunately, we had to move further out, so that we can actually afford something nice and large - but it was further away from town then she liked, the only saving grace, was the school district was really good.

There were complications in selling our old place, buyer was going to back out last minute, at this point, i had already got a mortgage and knew i couldn't afford 2 places, so she devised a plan to help convince the buyer to go through with the purchase - it worked. I was pretty distraught by the experience, and also terrifically busy at work, so much so that i didn't plan well for the eventual move. Something she keeps reminding me - that i took very few days off to pack, and then when the movers came, had to panic pack, and move - something she tells me that she is super embarrased by..

so we move in, and i'm still busy, so i felt less pressure to unpack, but she kept hounding me about boxes being in this room and that - that i didn't care about unpacking... couple of months into the move, i kinda snapped at her, and called her a ***** for nagging at me so much. This was apparently (to her), the first sign that something was wrong, that how could i call her names, did i not respect her as she didn't work and wasn't making money? it took us quite a while, and alot of apologizing from my part for her to seem to get over it (but it didn't really go away, while i forget easily, she never forgets, never). 2 years ago, i was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, first thing she tells, "i told you not to drink so much soda/juice", of course, she follows up with kind words like "let's figure out what to cook etc". I was pretty sad at getting this, but later found out that my dad had it too, and it could be genetic.. that said, i started to change my entire diet - but it was hard trying to do that without impacting the family - mainly cos we usually eat white rice, and now i couldn't... so she felt stressed trying to figure out what to cook (even though, i usually do the cooking). In the meantime, our huge house was filling up with stuff again, stuff for the kids, crafting... i'd admit, i like my gadgets, so i contributed as well, but not to the extent as her and the kids. Kids are also super messy... we got so much legos for them, that they took over the formal living room - its full of legos, the basement is full of toys, her craftroom is full of craft supplies... to the point here we don't have anything over as we are too embarrassed at the state of the home.. We lived this ways for a couple of years... soon it was 5 years in this new house, and it was chok full of stuff... something happened last year... likely work stress brought home, but i snapped again, this time i threw some plates and broke the rice cooker, i can't remember the details, but i know i snapped really badly, i wonder if it was the blood sugar at work, and i even hurt myself. I scared her, the kids, and i sought therapy, and it didn't really help resolve anything for me - it seemed to be frustration - as i felt i couldn't talk to her or get through... after some months things got back to normal (or so it seems), we got caught up in life, kids... etc

a week ago, just before our twins field trip to another state, one morning, i snapped again, it started with me cooking breakfast that the kids complained about, and she piled on. Apparently she wasn't happy that i had moved a vacuum cleaner over her stuff the night before, and it boiled over. I felt insulted about the food situation - having toiled in the morning to get stuff for everything to eat.. and i felt it was delicious! so i was kind frustrated and acting up - while trying to clear the diswasher, i was having problems putting a pot away into a packed shelf, and asked her to help as she had a way of doing it... she complained loudly how useless i was at this, and i couldn't even get the simpliest thing done and no one helps her with clearning the house... i snapped, i told her that if it wasn't for her filling up the house, perhaps we would all not be so stressed, she went into a tizzy, immediately taking up bags and filling it with stuff (her laptop, craft supplies, etc) and made a beeline for the door to throw them out - i went after her, and in trying to catch her, managed to shove heroff balance (she didn't fall), she stopped, glared at me, and yelled "how dare you!" "how dare you lay a finger on me!" and on and on....realizing my mistake, i immediately apologized, but the damage had been done... she told me that it's a felony what i've done, that she hates me for doing it, that even her dad who left never did this to her mum etc... but i think what compounds it is that i hurt her really bad by saying that she cluttered up the home...

so here i am a week later, apologizing every opportunity i get - that she has asked me to leave, or she would leave herself. I am starting to look at placed, but i'm heartbroken... i don't know what to do... i worry that leaving would mean she would spiral even more... i don't want to lose her - but she insists with the shove i have.... i have a great career now, just got promoted again, but it's all joyless as the homefront is crumbling... i love my kids, and i never blame them for taking my wife away, but i could never really understand how she can give me up in a heartbeat for the the kids.

i don't know why i am writing this down, perhaps i don't want to forget... but i am not looking forward to leaving the family, and losing her... she doesn't believe in counseling... she doesn't think she has any issues, but it's all me, lack of respect, control.... perhaps i am really a bad person...

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post #2 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:24 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

She cannot kick you out of your house. It is your legal residence and your children live there. Don't move out. If you need to just move to another room for right now.

You were wrong in pushing her, or whatever it was that you did. You apologized. I assume this is the only time you have done something like that. Is that right?

if she wants to leave, she can. But do not let her take the children. See a lawyer to find out how to prevent her from removing the children from their home.

You cooked breakfast and your children complained? Really? And she backed them up? Wow, that's bad parenting on her part. A parent cocks, the children eat and tell the parents thank you. That kind of disrespect should never be tolerated.

I suggest that you get into individual counseling right away because you need some help in handling what is going down. You need to get ahold of yourself so that you do not act out like that gain. She needs to do the same, but right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your children.

I also suggest that you get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you all the time while you are at home and around her. It sounds like she's looking for any reason she can to get you removed from the home. Don't give her a reason. Stay calm. And have a recording of everything so that you have poof that you did not do anything if she calls the police on you .
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post #3 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Thanks for reading my long post... i think my moving out may be the best way to give her the space she needs... also, i think the kids need her more than me - she drives them back from school, and she makes lunches for them.. i can do the lunch thing, but not the driving as i'm at work which is about 30-40mins away

yes, i've never pushed her before, and i surprised myself even, i think i was trying to grab her arm, and couldn't and pushed instead she insists that what i've done is a crime..

i went to therapy the last time (when i threw plates and broke the rice cooker), it didn't help, i felt like i was pouring my heart out to a stranger, and i didn't get anything back apart from "get her to come see me too..."

i'm not going to record her - i don't think she is malicious, i think she is messed up, i think i am too... what is sad is that i'm doing well at work - but failing miserably at home...

i just don't know how to cope with it - i've never been away from my family for any extended time... even with business trips, i call home everyday, and text... this is going to be so hard...

i don't get why she can just decide it's over... i did read your 180 post... it's good advice, i don't know if i can go through with it though... 25 years... sigh. how do i tell the kids? how do i not scar them like what her parents did to her? my parents are still happily married, and i really respect them for staying together even through they had some trying times... oh, as my wife also hates my parents (she thinks they are shallow), i don't talk to them as much in the last 10 years or so... they have also only seen the grandkids perhaps once every year...

sigh.
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post #4 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:29 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Have you 2 spent some time just the 2 of you since the children came onto the scene? I know how much effort and energy children take up but it sounds like you've both forgotten why you got together in the first place and just let things be and carry on as normal and now it's escalated into this... of course it's going to be hard... I'm going through stuff now and I don't want things to end after 4 years of marriage, I can't imagine what you must be feeling after 25 years being together!

Can you 2 go somewhere 'neutral' and talk with no distractions for a while? Or are you accepting that it's over now...
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post #5 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:13 AM
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Cool Re: she is kicking me out :(

First, get yourself to your MD for a thorough medical checkup! There may be something that they can give you that can assist with your recurrent medical condition!

Having said that, then plan a "Come to Jesus Meeting" together at some locale other than your home!

But even more importantly, do not leave your home under any circumstances! Unless you physically abuse her or others present there, she would literally "play hell" in having you evicted from your very own home, even if she were to enlist the help of legal counsel!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #6 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:48 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

I come from a different culture where paternity leave doesn't exist and SAHM's are expected to handle the child rearing and run the entire household while their husbands work. Cooking, cleaning, errands, repairs, etc. are generally thought of as the responsibility of the SAHP. Where I live, moving to a new house means packing your own stuff, renting a moving truck, filling it with all of your belongings yourself, driving it to your new location, removing your own belongings, and then unpacking the boxes as soon as the furniture is in place. I don't even know anyone who had a baby and had family come to help. From my point of view, your wife has been pampered and lacks appreciation for the lifestyle you have provided her.

Were I you, I wouldn't leave. She's unhappy, she can leave. On her own dime, too. Let her spend some time doing it all on her own...kids, work, house, bills, repairs, etc. Let her have a real taste of life without you. Maybe she"ll learn to appreciate what you do for her. If she doesn't, there are plenty of great women who would.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #7 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Is your wife a hoarder? You mentioned that in your old place there was a bedroom so full of stuff you couldn't go in there. That implies hoarding. If so, then THAT needs to be addressed in counseling as well. She is unhappy about SOMEthing and it is causing her to be a hoarder.

Married 20 years, currently working with husband to separate in 2018
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post #8 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Is your wife a hoarder? You mentioned that in your old place there was a bedroom so full of stuff you couldn't go in there. That implies hoarding. If so, then THAT needs to be addressed in counseling as well. She is unhappy about SOMEthing and it is causing her to be a hoarder.
I have wondered about this before. But she never believes in seeking help for herself. She is so strong willed that she thinks everyone but her has the problem. For the stuff, she tells me that I was complicit by encouraging her to buy them, but then also complicit when I didn't create time for her to clean it.. mainly cos she doesn't have off days such that she can... it's all a roundabout conversation, no time, no cleanup, husbands fault... she also loves to use history to crush me, whereas I can't remember the past well she never was this bad, the kids arrival really changed everything... i'm not sure why... I'm so heartbroken
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post #9 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Have you 2 spent some time just the 2 of you since the children came onto the scene? I know how much effort and energy children take up but it sounds like you've both forgotten why you got together in the first place and just let things be and carry on as normal and now it's escalated into this... of course it's going to be hard... I'm going through stuff now and I don't want things to end after 4 years of marriage, I can't imagine what you must be feeling after 25 years being together!

Can you 2 go somewhere 'neutral' and talk with no distractions for a while? Or are you accepting that it's over now...
Before they turned 14, we never went out alone without them. Even when their grandparents were over, we would do some grocery run, and she would end up feeling worried about leaving the kids at home. In the last couple of years I've tried to engage her when we go to Starbucks for coffee in the mornings alone, but she is not that conversational in the morning. Her claim, the morning is when social media heats up for crafting and she'd rather be doing that... I'm very devastated. So sorry that you are going through this as well.
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post #10 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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But even more importantly, do not leave your home under any circumstances! Unless you physically abuse her or others present there, she would literally "play hell" in having you evicted from your very own home, even if she were to enlist the help of legal counsel!
I don't want her to leave the home, and she doesn't want me around if she doesn't leave. I'm pretty much between a rock and a hard place. I'm thinking a little distance may help, but are you folks saying it will not? Why does legal help matter here? Would I be perceived as abandoning the family by a judge if it came to that?

With a few months left in the school year for the kids, my thinking is that instead of disrupting their routine, I'm just breaking the vicious cycle at home now by leaving, is this wrong? Help

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post #11 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

She can't kick you out, it's YOUR house that you bought. Don't let her bully you into thinking that you are at fault. I've gone thorough all of this before and I know what you're going through. First is that in her mind she will constantly blame you for taking her away from her family, she may not say that but she thinks it. Second, she shouldn't be a SAHM. I don't know what it is but they always end up getting bossy and try to take over everything. She was just waiting for you to do something even remotely out of line so she could blame you and get you to move out. I would suggest that you make her to start working again. She needs time away from the house and the kids and to stop blaming you for everything.

You need to take charge of the family again and stop letting her blame you for everything. Tell her flatly there's no way you're even going to consider moving out. I don't need to remind you how much of a bind you would be in financially if she divorced you. She's settled in the marriage, she has the kids she wants, a big house and doesn't have to work. Life is great, for HER. I think what she wants is to get rid of you and move her mom and brother back in. Since you would have to pay for the house and everything else, her life would be perfect. Getting you to move out is step one to put her plan into effect. Don't let her do it.

I think at this point it would be valuable for you to talk to a lawyer about what your legal position is in the marriage and about what your wife can and can't do.

I hope things get better for you. These days, for men in this position it's usually doesn't end well.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #12 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:44 AM
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Cool Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post
I don't want her to leave the home, and she doesn't want me around if she doesn't leave. I'm pretty much between a rock and a hard place. I'm thinking a little distance may help, but are you folks saying it will not? Why does legal help matter here? Would I be perceived as abandoning the family by a judge if it came to that?

With a few months left in the school year for the kids, my thinking is that instead of disrupting their routine, I'm just breaking the vicious cycle at home now by leaving, is this wrong? Help
Contingent upon what state or jurisdiction that you live in, it could be construed as abandonment ~ that's why it's so important to intricately know those legal "in's and outs!" That's why it is imperative that you visit with an accomplished family law attorney before ever considering leaving your domicile!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #13 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post
I have wondered about this before. But she never believes in seeking help for herself. She is so strong willed that she thinks everyone but her has the problem. For the stuff, she tells me that I was complicit by encouraging her to buy them, but then also complicit when I didn't create time for her to clean it.. mainly cos she doesn't have off days such that she can... it's all a roundabout conversation, no time, no cleanup, husbands fault... she also loves to use history to crush me, whereas I can't remember the past well she never was this bad, the kids arrival really changed everything... i'm not sure why... I'm so heartbroken
These are all symptoms of what a SAHM eventually becomes: strong willed, bossy, always make everything her husbands fault, never cleans anything. I went through the same thing and it hurts went another guy has to go through all that crap.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #14 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

What struck me..between the ears, was the detail of your recollection, of your very-long dirty-laundry list..... of slights aimed your wife.

You seem to have memorized these things. And you have an excuse for all of them. This is not unique, humans do this to assuage their quilt. They rationalize their own bad behavior.

You sound bitter and you sound petty. You got your digs in [to her] at every opportunity.

To me, you are forever on edge, You are hyper-critical. You are not forgiving of others [normal] idiosyncrasies. Your thin skin tingles and quivers at the slightest of irritation and you lash out.

You are HIGH MAINTENANCE, having a personality that very few can work around, work with, work through.

Just sayin'.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #15 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

You might want to consider this approach, OP:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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