New and Lost - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
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New and Lost

My marriage has been over for more than 5 years now, we both just didn't want to admit it. I started seeing a therapist a few years back and became very open about things that had occurred in my marriage as far back as I could remember and was told that I had been subjected to emotional abuse and emotional violence. A little back story:

Married at 20, pregnant at 21. Moved to Germany and after he came home from a deployment he admitted that he was watching transvestite porn (when our daughter was 6 months old and we moved from an apartment onto base housing I had to call our bank to argue a charge for an adult website stating that my husband was happily married and didn't need to look at that sort of thing...I was really stupid) and he felt bad that he let me lie to the bank about a charge he forgot to stop before the free trial ran out. He started becoming more and more angry towards me to the point where he would come home and ask me what was for dinner before ignoring me completely and zoning in his computer. One day when he asked me this question I simply stated that there were 50 other things he could ask me at which point he threw a cup with chocolate milk at me. It missed and hit the wall, but made me start to shut down inside.
I honestly had no friends and the ones I had made before we made the move to Germany he basically pushed out of my life. I was a stay at home mom with little or nothing to do, no friends and only a toddler to interact with.
I started playing the same games as him online to try to connect with my husband again (really stupid of me) and "met" some people. One of which I started talking to on a romantic level. I couldn't explain what was missing from my own marriage but I was getting it from this person who was over half a world away. We talked about it, we cried about it and worked on our marriage. We had another daughter while in Germany and he became more distant.
We moved back to the US and it only got worse. I was depressed. While my kids were taken care of, the house was a mess and I could have cared less about myself. Our youngest got out of the house one morning after he left for work and tried to follow him. CPS was called and the girls were taken away for 2 weeks while we got the house in order, we went to parenting classes and a therapist told him multiple times that I needed help and some time for me (I couldn't go to the bathroom alone, take a shower alone and was getting no help with the house. My sole purpose was to cook, clean and have sex with him) and things changed for a bit but went right back to the way they were. Just in time for me to have another baby, after three babies I opted to get my tubes tied.
We moved again and I was hopeful things would change for the better but they only got worse. I started to make friends and was told that I was abandoning my family to spend time with them (even if I had my children with me at their houses). I went to college online while attempting to take care of the house, our kids and him. When I graduated, he couldn't even get off the couch to walk the few rooms over to hear them call my name and then informed me I wouldn't have graduated if it wasn't for him. I went to doctors because of my weight (I was over 100lbs over weight) and was diagnosed with PCOS. I tried using Metformin to loose weight, but it didn't work and was put on the list for gastric bypass. While waiting for my surgery, I started to get abdominal pain and found out that the tools used in my tubal ligation had become dislodged in my abdomen and needed to be removed. He took the day of the surgery off, signed for my pain medications and took me home but was back at work the next day. He complained about dinner not being done when he got home and asked me why I hadn't cleaned all day (I had been told not to lift more than 20 lbs and to take it easy as I was given Oxy) He was gone when I had my gastric bypass, one of my good friends flew in from out of state to take care of me. He didn't call the day of the surgery (he had my friends phone number and the house number) he didn't call the day after either. He waited 4 days to call and check on me. By now I knew I had to get out of my marriage. Again I was back in therapy and said I needed an emotional connection and emotional intimacy (not sex!) for a marriage to work. I told him this and was informed he couldn't give me that. While all this was going on, a friendship with a member of the opposite sex started to become more. I couldn't wait to talk to this person, to see this person. We laughed together and I couldn't keep anything from him. All my fears, joys, sadness, deep secrets I had kept from my husband about myself and what I wanted for years because I was afraid he would make fun of me. Eventually it became sexual.
I had gone to a legal advocate to get help writing up my divorce petition and parenting plan and a few days after I started a new job attempted to sit down with him to discuss them. He threatened to call the cops because I had my dad come and pick up our girls (they didn't need to be there to see our conversation). I called them for him and he was informed it wasn't kidnapping as he kept insisting it was in texts to my step mom and dad. He went into the house with me and we went over the papers. He signed the hand written documents but refused to sign the cleaned up ones I had an attorney draw up.

Fast forward to current. We are still in the same house as I am looking for a place to rent to keep my youngest two in their district and hopefully their schools. I begin to notice that hes shaving his legs, painting his toenails and wearing eyeliner. I ask him about it and he tells me he's bi-sexual but feels more comfortable dressed as a woman. That he's known he was this way since he was in high school, that he married me because he didn't want to be alone.

I had accepted and come to terms with filing for divorce when I thought he was just an emotionally abusive jerk, now to find out that he was never happy with himself and that's why he was always angry (not always with me but I took a brunt of it) I feel lost. I realize that divorce is a grieving process but what do you do when you aren't sure how to process new information like this?

I'm still in therapy, and will be bringing this up with my therapist when I see her next. Considering we are all from different walks and stories though i was hoping someone may have something going on similar to me.

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: New and Lost

Very sad story. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but glad you found this site. There are others here have dealt with similar trials and some will post in here for encouragement. Keep reading other people's stories, it's amazing knowing that others have been this dark tunnel just like you and made it out to the green waterfall valley and got a second chance at life.

Definitely end this sham of a marriage. You both deserve better. Going through with it is the always the hardest part. But once it's in motion (filed with the court), time will fly and you'll be in a much happier place 6 months from now. Don't get overwhelmed. Just one day at a time.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: New and Lost

Wow. Clearly he hasnt been happy with who he is, and instead of dealing with it, he took his unhappiness out on you. Good for you for choosing to get out.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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