What do I do? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:31 AM Thread Starter
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What do I do?

Im going through a separation that is especially tough. I was with my husband for a 15 years. We have a 2 year old son, and a baby on the way. 2 1/2 months ago I found out he was having an affair. This is not the first time. 2 years ago he had something similar with someone else, but I was never able to find much proof. I thought we worked through it, although we never sought out counselling. But I was way wrong. This current affair was very involved. He even spent time with with her and my son together. It was just awful.

If I could, I would kick him out. But we do not make much money and he has no friends here. He had a few acquaintances that he stayed with on some nights when things were bad but it was only here and there.

Financially I am dependent on him. We have a house and car and bills we have to pay. I only make about half of what he makes. Together we do not make enough to support 2 households.

Initally we agreed to keep things amicable and live in the same house until the baby was born. In that time I hoped to find a job to support myself. He agreed to give me the house, car, everything, he just wanted 50% time with his kids and some money to start over.

That all sounded good. We even started counseling. Then after a month I found out that he took my son to spend the night at his mistresses house, the night before. I was so shocked and angry, and hurt. I did not want to reconcile at that point but I was under the impression the affair was over. And to involve my son. it was a blow. I went into a rage and slapped him a few times. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was so painful. I knew then and there I could never trust him.

Now over a month later and things are so much worst. Every other day is good. We go on walks we are nice to each other, we eat meals together. Then suddenly he gets mad and threatens to leave, to take our money and go. He yells at me and our son. At one point he even shoved me and our son when he was angry. I reached out to his family for help. I needed to find a way to make him see that he was not being fair to us. I know that tensions are high, but we need to work together. That made things come to a boiling point. He was so furious that I contacted his family. I tried to tell him that I just wanted help to reach him. I wanted him to see reason. He called me all sorts of awful names, told me he hated me. He took it to a whole other level. He even threatened to start dating his mistress again just to have her around my kids, which he knows is a sore spot for me.

I know he needs to leave. We need to be apart from each other. This is so so unhealthy. But I cant afford to pay my bills if he leaves. What do I do? I'm about $600 a month short, and that is if he gives me $1000 a month. I am looking for a job but this is so hard. I can barely focus. I am pregnant, trying to raise a 2 year old, take care of a house, and going through this horrible experience.

I dont have anyone I can talk to. My friends and family hate him too much to give me non impartial advise. His family cant be trusted anymore. They are telling him to cut back on his hours to make sure I cant take his money. They are also telling him that I am going to take the kids just to spite him. They said I am going to cry abuse and use it against him.

I honestly do not want to keep the kids from him. My kids deserve both parents, so I am not going to stand in the way of that just because he is mean to me. In the long run I know things will be better. We got along great most of our marriage. I know he can be a good guy and a good father.

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: What do I do?

You sound very codependent.

I would work on this.

Read these two books on the matter.

Codependent No More & Codependency for Dummies.
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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What do I do?

Im not codependent. I am a very independent person. I just cant afford to pay for things on my own. For most of our relationship I was the breadwinner. I supported him while he was in college and grad school. It was not until our son was born that he started working more and was able to cut back my hours. I am trying to get back out there, I know I can do it without him, but it is hard while I am dealing with all this stress.
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: What do I do?

The only thing standing in the way of you leaving this sour sperm donor is money.

Can you get your family to watch your children while you work?
If so, get another job [part time] to make enough to break free of the whirlpool that is sucking you down.

Keep in mind, once divorced, he must continue contributing to the care of your children.

Can you rent out a few rooms in a relatives house? This would benefit both you and them.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: What do I do?

So sorry you are going thru this.

It's going to be hard to work more as you are pregnant. Don't worry about his threats, keep a record of your money where he can't find it. Make copies of bank statement etc and keep them. If he spend marital assets on her the court will like to hear about that.

And start reading up on the 180. @eligirl you would find the list. Or just search it here on TAM.

Try to keep your cool. And no more hitting because you would not like it if he hits you. Also, you can get into trouble for it.

Keep posting. Give us all your angry. Try not to take things personal from other posters. They all have their own issues that they are trying to work out and some might seep out to you.
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What do I do?

@SunCMars. I am looking for a full time position. i love my job, I have been there 10 years. it is hard to leave but i know i have to. He will be paying of the day care costs but other than that, since he will have the kids 50% of the time, I dont think I can ask for more can I? He agreed to pay me spousal support but it is not enough to cover all our expenses.

I would really like to keep my house if I can. There is about $100,000 in equity in it and this city is growing fast. I will never be able to afford to buy here again, and rent would cost me just a much as my mortgage. It is in the best interest of my kids and my self to do everything I can to stay.
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: What do I do?

Can you put the house up for sale and rent a smaller & cheaper house or rent an apartment? Are there other things that you can cut back or remove completely to cut down on the expenses?

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: What do I do?

Try to negotiate it where you keep the house. Once it's in your name you can take a line of credit against your share of the equity to help get a little financial cushion while you seek a higher paying job.

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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: What do I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
So sorry you are going thru this.

It's going to be hard to work more as you are pregnant. Don't worry about his threats, keep a record of your money where he can't find it. Make copies of bank statement etc and keep them. If he spend marital assets on her the court will like to hear about that.

And start reading up on the 180. @eligirl you would find the list. Or just search it here on TAM.

Try to keep your cool. And no more hitting because you would not like it if he hits you. Also, you can get into trouble for it.

Keep posting. Give us all your angry. Try not to take things personal from other posters. They all have their own issues that they are trying to work out and some might seep out to you.
HEY!

I did not dribble drivel.....this time!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What do I do?

@brooklynAnne I know I cant hit him. It was out of rage in finding out that he took my kid to her house overnight. I have not done anything like that before or since. He has threatened me with that. Told me he was going to report it an take my kids. He also tries to bait me. Tells me to hit him. I know that is not the answer.

I see him spending money on his girl friend, but I cant prove it. Over Christmas he bought me a necklace that costs $38, but he spent $75 there. I asked him about it and he said he bought something else for me then returned it and they gave him cash back. I dont really believe that. A few weekends ago he suddenly went on a guys night away. He says these are "dudes" "bros", but he spent $120 at a fancy restaurant, and then went to a wine bar. I know is gf likes wine. I also saw her loading her car the day they left, and unloading her car the day they came back (im not stocking her, she lives down the street from me and I pass her place all the time). When I asked him about it he just gets super defensive and tells me I dont have a say, which I guess is true, but it is no less painful.

he is an overspender, buys food out all the time, coffees multiple times a day, weed, goes out drinking a few times a week. It is frustrating when I am trying to manage our money, save for my maternity leave (my company does not pay me for it), and buy things for the new baby.

Our goal is to keep this out of court. We are hoping to handle all of it though mediation and keep lawyers out. I am a little worried about keeping things fair. the deal he is proposing is to sign over the house and car, but he wants $20,000 now and $30,000 later from me. This is money to get a car (we only have one right now), get an apartment, and furniture. He wants $50,000 but he knows I cant afford that now so he would be willing to wait for some of it. He wants to pay me $1000 a month minimum for now until I find a job. That is to cover day care ($750 a month) and other expenses. Unfortunately that does not cover everything, but I dont know if I can ask for more. he says if he had more he will give it to me, but how can I count on that.

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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What do I do?

I am trying to keep the house but right now I cant afford it. he wants money now so I will have to refi to get some money out to give him. The problem is I wont qualify for a refi on my own. He says he can stay on the mortgage but sign over the house so that way we will qualify. I can refi again later on my own when I can afford it.

Rent for a one or two bedroom in this city costs the same as my mortgage on a 3 bedroom house in a decent area. Selling house would give me a financial cushion but I would not be able to afford to rent or buy for a while.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: What do I do?

Since your H should be entitled to half the equity of the house, you can try to work it out to where you refinance, keep the house, pull out half the equity and pay him off.

Another option is to sell the house, split the equity, and use the $50,000 to buy a smaller home. This may be a better move. I don't know where you live, but in my neck of the woods life is cheap, and $100,000 is a nice, brand new house. A $50,000 down payment would put you in pretty good territory payment-wise. It may be nothing where you are, so YMMV.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: What do I do?

See a lawyer.

He cheated and flaunts it in your face. He pushed you while you are pregnant... and your child!

Giving him $50k to start over with no guarantee he will keep up his end of future payments while his children live without is not reasonable. It's a sweet deal for him yes... not so much for you.

Get a lawyer... make him pay for it. It's the only way to get what you and your kids are entitled to, and you will have the extra backing if the court to make him follow through on child support. They can garnish his wages if need be.

I would think your pregnancy would be an advantage and he would be required to pay more while you are on maternity leave. Not to mention it makes his infidelity that much more disgusting.

Sorry you are here.


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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What do I do?

I live in a no fault state so the affair counts for nothing. If we went to court he would be entitled to 50% of everything. Right now he is willing to take less.

I am waiting to hear back from lawyer just to make sure of everything before I sign any docs. The only thing I am not sure of is what I can expect for child support and spousal support. I did support him financially through most of our relationship. Now that I make less I think I can ask for more to support me. As for child support since it is 50/50 custody, i dont think I can ask for more than half of expenses.
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:37 PM
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Re: What do I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaBea View Post
Im not codependent. I am a very independent person. I just cant afford to pay for things on my own. For most of our relationship I was the breadwinner. I supported him while he was in college and grad school. It was not until our son was born that he started working more and was able to cut back my hours. I am trying to get back out there, I know I can do it without him, but it is hard while I am dealing with all this stress.
Clearly by your answer you don't have an understanding of what the term
codependency means. Read the books they will help you.
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