How to get over the urges
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Old 01-07-2012, 05:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to get over the urges

Been moved out from Wife since 12/21/11, filed for divorce on 1/4/12, wife gave me the whole love you not in love with you speech. She told me this on 12/12/11, and we still had sex one more time after that.

I still can't get over my sexual feelings for her. I still yearn for her. I'm 34 years old, we were together for 11 years. I know in the future I will be with someone again.

It's just we were so comfortable with each other; the last 4 months before it all happened our frequency increased, trying new things. She awoke my the tiger in me, and then it's over.

Not fair.

How long did it take some of you to stop having those feelings for your spouse?
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Old 01-07-2012, 06:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

To help you get over these feelings you should do a 180. Take a look at the 180 in my signature block below.

This means that you have as close to no contact with her as possible. Love and sexual attraction has a lot to do with body chemistry. It will take about year for your body to stop making those chemicals every time you see her, hear her voice, etc.

A transitional relationship is another good way to do it. But using someone like that it not such a good idea.
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Old 01-07-2012, 06:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

I've looked at the 180, the problem is that we have kids together so we still have to talk, see each other all the time
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Old 01-07-2012, 06:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

I think everyone is different and it all depends on how each couple ends their marriage. It sounds like you both still have respect for each other but some marriages end bitterly and the spouses cannot stand each other.
I think once you find that special someone who you can't stop thinking about your ex will fade from your mind and you will want only to be with the person you can't stop thinking about.
Right now your divorce is still new and you are feeling alone and vulnerable so your feelings are normal. Just give yourself some time to move on and it will get easier to deal with as time passes.
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Old 01-07-2012, 06:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

The 180 is a great plan that will protect you from these feelings. It;s tough as hell to do but it works.

Second thing is I would quitly investigate why your STBXW wants to leave the security of having a man. This may help in distancing your self from her.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

I realize she wants to leave the security of a man because I discovered the other night that she has started an EA with the "just friends" person she has told me about. Time to head on over to the infidelity section I guess.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

The 180 will work after months of it.

A new woman will get the old one off your mind immediately.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

Proudwidaddy, I'm having very similar issues right now. My wife hasn't given me the speech yet, she just tells me she needs some space. We're currently in marriage counselling, however living apart. We have come to learn that I have been emotionally abuse towards her and it is something that I am working on, and she's working on healing some of her internal wounds. None of the abuse has in the least been intentional, we had no idea what I was doing to her and I feel absolutely ashamed and terrible about it. I have always been madly in love with her and it is the last thing I would have ever intended to do to her, to hurt her this way.

Today marks 1 month of seperation. The kids stay at the house, we rotate. Married for 8 years, together for 13.

I am so attracted to my wife still it is driving me crazy. The night before we seperated, we had great sex. She loves the sex, I love the sex. Typically 3-5 times per week, and most of the time I spend a lot of time 'on her' if you know what I mean, and we both love it.

Every time I see her at the MC, I want to rip her clothes off and take her right there, she's looking super hot!! I think that it's getting in the way of me being able to 'let her go' and for myself to get on with things. She is not closing the door on 'us', which is a good thing, but I need to be able to work on myself in this time and without being able to have relations with my smoking wife I'm having a hard time!!
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

Yeesh, just read your post about the EA. Tough, we had a similar situation in August, I discovered in September. I'm not sure I'd call it an EA, but there were definitely some 'flirty' messages back and forth, and she has confessed that she was attracted to him, however they called it off before any significant damage was done. I have forgiven her for it, because of my discovery of the emotional pain I was causing her from the emotional abuse. If someone is that unhappy in their marriage, I can understand how they would be attracted to someone that is paying them the attention they needed that they were not getting at home.

I needed to forgive her for me, and to be able to get past it and move on. The past is the past, I'm looking forward now and working on my issues.
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Old 01-09-2012, 11:07 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Here is the messed up thing. I discovered the EA on Saturday, so the thought of now kissing her/being with her makes me feel not so good. However last night I had a dream where I came over to the house to hang with the kids, then she called me upstairs for something, and she then proceeded to seduce me. I woke up this morning feeling a little happy, but then disgusted by this dream. I've had to go through a year's worth of discoveries in 4 weeks. I truly believe that finding out all this stuff so soon will ramp up my healing time. This morning after I talked with the kids she got on the phone, and she asked me why I was avoiding her calls. I can't believe that she doesn't understand why we can't talk like best friends anymore. Oh yeah that's right, because she doesn't have anyone in her life that she can talk to that will support her decision to divorce me, then start an EA. She can't reveal to the other guy that she feels weak, that she still misses talking to her husband. I used to always pray that she would text me/call me to let me know she cares. Now I just want her to leave me alone. I've loved her for 11 years, but the woman she has been the last 6 months is not my wife. Help? What to do?
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Old 01-09-2012, 06:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Similar to me, my wife in the last 6 months has definitely not been the person I married 8 years ago and have been with for 13. However, we have learned why and it has been because she has been full of anxiety, depressed, and basically scared of my anger. 'Walking on eggshells' they call it, and now that I've done some IC and read some good material, I've come to understand how this happened in our relationship, which is now allowing me to work on myself.

My wife is currently confiding in her best friend who is in the middle of a divorce right now (which probably does not help my situation). Have you guys started counselling? If she won't go, you need to go for yourself. Also, look into a book called 'Rebuilding - When your relationship ends'. Even though at this point you are not 100% sure your relationship will end, it will help you deal with the emotions you are currently having to live with.
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Old 01-11-2012, 12:47 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

Proudwidaddy - I can guarandamntee that the "just friends" guy EA started WAY before you got the speech. Its just that its now in the open now.

Most of the time the ILYBINILWY speech is given as a result of an EA (it stands for I love you but I'm not in love with you).
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Old 01-13-2012, 06:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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it takes time to get past that... but remember when you are having all that fun with them.... they are also doing that with someone else... maybe her grooming habits have changed and you like that more... well why didn't they change when you first met... those habits have changed becasue of the EA... When all of that sinks into your head you loose all sexual attraction for that person. I can tell you that from really recent experience.

I have been seperated from my W since october. We still had sex on a fairly regular basis up until about a month ago. then she decided she didn't want that anymore. I still wanted it and would do the same thing you did with mentally undressing her anywhere I would see her.

After I found out the extent of the EA and everything else.... all of that desire just went down the drain. There is nothing when I look at her today. absolutely nothing.
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Old 01-13-2012, 07:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over the urges

Timbre it's ironic that you mention grooming habits because around the summertime her grooming habits changed, she said it was because it was "cooler" down there in the summertime with less. Hmm....interesting. I've pretty much gotten to that point now where I don't look at her sexually. She has had a year to loose her emotional connection to me. I've had 32 days, but I'm getting better every day. I tell myself now when I pine for my wife, it was the women she was around a year ago, not the person she is now. Let her live in this fog, because eventually the fantasyworld ALWAYS collapses.
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