Too Comfortable / Swinging Destroyed My Marraige
I am a male and have been married to the same woman for 19 years, together for 22. I am 50 she is 41. We have 2 children a boy 8 and a girl 12. We have had a very good marriage and publicly acted like teenagers when together as if we were very happy. I thought we were until October of 2011.
We lived together were married for a combined time of 10 years before we had our first child. During those first 10 years we were "swingers" and participated in foursomes with other couples. We are both heterosexual. We quit swinging and took time out to have kids. We had no major problems except for one. After the birth of our 1st child my wife began hoarding. The house kept getting more and more cluttered.
Jump ahead to August 2010. Had 2 kids and we decided to get back into swinging "for the fun of it". I enjoyed it somewhat, but my wife really got into it. Jump ahead to Oct 2011. During a swingers meet and greet my wife met a man who claimed to be a widower and was 40. Long story short we played a little in a 3-some, but she fell for this guy. He lives in a 5th wheel at a nudist resort. Over the next few weeks I saw their relationship growing and called my wife on it. She claimed to be able to love 2 men and needed us both.
November 27th I made a fatal mistake. The growing relationship with this other man was getting too much for me. My wife was suggesting a polyamorous relationship and even suggested having this guy move into our house and she would have both of us (and our kids) in the same home. I asked her if she wanted a divorce. She said no. I was mad and vented about the condition of the house and the hoarding and that she had to chose between me and this other man. I then asked her for a divorce. She wailed "no" and I thought I hit a nerve. The next day I apologized profusely for asking for a divorce and told her I didn't want it and the statement was made in anger. She kissed and made up with me and said all was okay. I left town on Dec 1 - 3 on business, and came back and noticed my wife was distant and acting aloof. She went to bed early and I found she was hiding her cell phone. I read her texts between her and this other man and they were now calling each other husband and wife and were writing about kicking me to the curb after the holidays. I also learned that she had this guy staying at the house with she and the kids while I was out of town. For the first time ever our children were exposed to our "secret" lifestyle. I woke my wife and told her I saw the texts. I made another mistake and in panic mode began begging, crying, and pleading for her not to leave me. She got me calmed down and we went to sleep. The next day, Sunday she went to his trailer, and moved him into our house. For the next 2 nights I slept on the couch while they slept in our bedroom. On Tuesday I told them I was moving out. Instead, I picked up the kids early from school, dropped them off with family, called my wife and told her I was going home and kicking the this man out, I had learned through a background check that this guy had a history that I didn't want him around my kids or wife. He claims it's not him and is someone else due to identity theft. She said she would pack him up, move him back to his trailer, then she would make and excuse and leave him. This was a lie. When I got home she had packed him up, but she packed up also.
Since Dec 6, 2011 I have been home alone with my 2 kids as a single parent. She is living with him at the Nudist Resort in his 5th wheel. On Friday the 8th I saw an attorney and started a divorce I do not want. She has told me and her family she is now engaged to this man and will marry him as soon as the divorce is final. (In Texas you can marry 31 days after divorce)
I don't want to divorce her, I love her very much. She said our marriage was over for a long time and she just put on an act about being happy. She should get an Academy Award, "NO ONE saw this coming and everyone is shocked. She said she left me because I stopped listening to her and being interested in what she was interested in.
Her family has turned against her and are upset about how fast she became engaged to this man, and the fact she has left her kids. Most of the family now know about our swinging lifestyle.
I've made the the mistake of texting and calling her and begging her to come back to me and the kids, which has just made her mad and more determined not to have anything to do with me. She went from "I have Godly, and brotherly love for you, but not as a husband or lover" to "I don't love you anymore let it go. Your bothering, annoying, harassing me, only talk to me about the kids"
I am now a single parent and pray almost continuously to God for reconciliation. Please help. The depression is heavy and I miss her so much. About half of my friends say that if I leave her alone she will come back after her "happy bubble bursts". Others tell me to suck it up, continue the divorce and move on. She said she is not going to get an attorney and will give me the house and leave my retirement alone and I will get the kids as long as we have joint custody. She told me that when this man's job ends in the area (he is a rigger for a oil/energy construction company) and he has to move wherever the next job is, she is going with him, and she wants the kids to stay in their home and stay in the same schools.
Up until this time my wife has been very smart and level headed and this personality change is completely out character for her. Other than the hoarding she has been a great wife and wonderful mother.
Please give me some advise on how to get our family back. I can accept her back. However, there will be 3 things that we will have to do for us to get back together: 1. She must get counseling for the Hoarding, 2. The swinging must stop. 3 We must get help for our relationship.
Destroyed in San Antonio
Last edited by Destroyed in San Antonio; 01-09-2012 at 08:56 AM.