Too Comfortable / Swinging Destroyed My Marraige
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Old 01-07-2012, 09:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Too Comfortable / Swinging Destroyed My Marraige

I am a male and have been married to the same woman for 19 years, together for 22. I am 50 she is 41. We have 2 children a boy 8 and a girl 12. We have had a very good marriage and publicly acted like teenagers when together as if we were very happy. I thought we were until October of 2011.

We lived together were married for a combined time of 10 years before we had our first child. During those first 10 years we were "swingers" and participated in foursomes with other couples. We are both heterosexual. We quit swinging and took time out to have kids. We had no major problems except for one. After the birth of our 1st child my wife began hoarding. The house kept getting more and more cluttered.

Jump ahead to August 2010. Had 2 kids and we decided to get back into swinging "for the fun of it". I enjoyed it somewhat, but my wife really got into it. Jump ahead to Oct 2011. During a swingers meet and greet my wife met a man who claimed to be a widower and was 40. Long story short we played a little in a 3-some, but she fell for this guy. He lives in a 5th wheel at a nudist resort. Over the next few weeks I saw their relationship growing and called my wife on it. She claimed to be able to love 2 men and needed us both.
November 27th I made a fatal mistake. The growing relationship with this other man was getting too much for me. My wife was suggesting a polyamorous relationship and even suggested having this guy move into our house and she would have both of us (and our kids) in the same home. I asked her if she wanted a divorce. She said no. I was mad and vented about the condition of the house and the hoarding and that she had to chose between me and this other man. I then asked her for a divorce. She wailed "no" and I thought I hit a nerve. The next day I apologized profusely for asking for a divorce and told her I didn't want it and the statement was made in anger. She kissed and made up with me and said all was okay. I left town on Dec 1 - 3 on business, and came back and noticed my wife was distant and acting aloof. She went to bed early and I found she was hiding her cell phone. I read her texts between her and this other man and they were now calling each other husband and wife and were writing about kicking me to the curb after the holidays. I also learned that she had this guy staying at the house with she and the kids while I was out of town. For the first time ever our children were exposed to our "secret" lifestyle. I woke my wife and told her I saw the texts. I made another mistake and in panic mode began begging, crying, and pleading for her not to leave me. She got me calmed down and we went to sleep. The next day, Sunday she went to his trailer, and moved him into our house. For the next 2 nights I slept on the couch while they slept in our bedroom. On Tuesday I told them I was moving out. Instead, I picked up the kids early from school, dropped them off with family, called my wife and told her I was going home and kicking the this man out, I had learned through a background check that this guy had a history that I didn't want him around my kids or wife. He claims it's not him and is someone else due to identity theft. She said she would pack him up, move him back to his trailer, then she would make and excuse and leave him. This was a lie. When I got home she had packed him up, but she packed up also.
Since Dec 6, 2011 I have been home alone with my 2 kids as a single parent. She is living with him at the Nudist Resort in his 5th wheel. On Friday the 8th I saw an attorney and started a divorce I do not want. She has told me and her family she is now engaged to this man and will marry him as soon as the divorce is final. (In Texas you can marry 31 days after divorce)
I don't want to divorce her, I love her very much. She said our marriage was over for a long time and she just put on an act about being happy. She should get an Academy Award, "NO ONE saw this coming and everyone is shocked. She said she left me because I stopped listening to her and being interested in what she was interested in.

Her family has turned against her and are upset about how fast she became engaged to this man, and the fact she has left her kids. Most of the family now know about our swinging lifestyle.

I've made the the mistake of texting and calling her and begging her to come back to me and the kids, which has just made her mad and more determined not to have anything to do with me. She went from "I have Godly, and brotherly love for you, but not as a husband or lover" to "I don't love you anymore let it go. Your bothering, annoying, harassing me, only talk to me about the kids"

I am now a single parent and pray almost continuously to God for reconciliation. Please help. The depression is heavy and I miss her so much. About half of my friends say that if I leave her alone she will come back after her "happy bubble bursts". Others tell me to suck it up, continue the divorce and move on. She said she is not going to get an attorney and will give me the house and leave my retirement alone and I will get the kids as long as we have joint custody. She told me that when this man's job ends in the area (he is a rigger for a oil/energy construction company) and he has to move wherever the next job is, she is going with him, and she wants the kids to stay in their home and stay in the same schools.

Up until this time my wife has been very smart and level headed and this personality change is completely out character for her. Other than the hoarding she has been a great wife and wonderful mother.

Please give me some advise on how to get our family back. I can accept her back. However, there will be 3 things that we will have to do for us to get back together: 1. She must get counseling for the Hoarding, 2. The swinging must stop. 3 We must get help for our relationship.

Destroyed in San Antonio

Last edited by Destroyed in San Antonio; 01-09-2012 at 07:56 AM.
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Old 01-07-2012, 09:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too Comfortable / Swinging Destroyed My Marraige

Hoarding is a complex disorder that is believed to be associated with 4 underlying characteristics. First there are certain core vulnerabilities including emotional dysregulation in the form of depression or anxiety along with family histories of hoarding and generally high levels of perfectionism. Second, people who hoard appear to have difficulties processing information. In particular, these difficulties appear as problems in attention (including ADHD-like symptoms), memory, categorization, and decision-making. The areas of the brain that control these functions roughly correspond to the brain regions that have been shown to activate differently in people who hoard. Third, people who hoard form intense emotional attachments to a wider variety of objects than do people who don’t hoard. These attachments take the form of attaching human-like qualities to inanimate objects, feeling grief at the prospect of getting rid of objects, and deriving a sense of safety from being surrounded by possessions. Fourth, people who hoard often hold beliefs about the necessity of not wasting objects or losing opportunities that are represented by objects. Additional beliefs about the necessity of saving things to facilitate memory and appreciation of the aesthetic beauty of objects contribute to the problem. So, the problem will only get worse. Next, you are responsible for the safety and well-being of your children. Bringing in people from the outside for puposes that are inappropriate - and yes - swinging should be out of the question with children in the home. You are asking for danger! You had the time in your life to "sow the wild oats" and you are older and - supposedly - wiser. As far as your wife is concerned, her troubles run deeper than you realize. Let her go. At least she did not take the children. You said that this guy has a bad history. Do you want your kids at his hands? Well then, it is your job to protect them! Don't forget it! If she does this, and then you take her back, she will do it again! MAN UP! Do not accept this type of behavior. Get yourself a lawyer, to hell with joint custody, and take everything. Protect those children! And for heaven sake, STOP BEGGING, GROVELING and KISSING HER REAR END! Record everything, keep all texts, and voice messages! You are going to need them.
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Old 01-08-2012, 12:41 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too Comfortable / Swinging Destroyed My Marraige

Ok??? So you are concerned with her hoarding and the fact that you are sleeping on your couch while she is in your bed with her boyfriend doesn't send off any alarms????

Brother let me give you the way forward. Chuck that thing you call your wife the f**k out and that is that!

Then divorce her and go after everything ( I.e. Full custody )

Then MOST IMPORTANT. Get some IC for yourself. I am not judging your lifestyle but somewhere along the line brother you better wake the hell up!

She was going to kick you out!
She went against you and moved some s**thead into your house with YOUR CHILDREN!! WTF?????

GET RID OF HER!
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Old 01-08-2012, 02:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too Comfortable / Swinging Destroyed My Marraige

yes i would agree with the other posts, counselling helped me come to terms with my wife seperating from me and asking me for a divorce. it also helped me understand how i have been treating her and gave me a third persons view on my relationship and areas where i can improve myself. i still love my wife and want her back but i got to accept that she does not want me.

get some counselling and yes you should get a divorce as its clear of your wifes intentions. Concentrate on building yourself up and taking care of your kids
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Old 01-08-2012, 05:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too Comfortable / Swinging Destroyed My Marraige

That plan of yours will success if she is willing to cooperate. Convince her that you are doing this not only for you but for your children too.
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Old 01-08-2012, 10:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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So she's going to hoard and live wth this scumbag in a trailer. Yeah that's gonna work out well.

Divorce her very very fast and protect yourself. Loosers like him love to prey on women like her, and try to get YOUR money to finance his successful life.

Let her go. Anyone who would choose a looser like him deserves what she's got coming. Btw, it's only a matter f time until he cheats, her money runs out, etc and he dumps her.

Be ready to slam the door in her face when she tries to come back and pay you more.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Pathfinder View Post
Ok??? So you are concerned with her hoarding and the fact that you are sleeping on your couch while she is in your bed with her boyfriend doesn't send off any alarms????

Brother let me give you the way forward. Chuck that thing you call your wife the f**k out and that is that!

Then divorce her and go after everything ( I.e. Full custody )

Then MOST IMPORTANT. Get some IC for yourself. I am not judging your lifestyle but somewhere along the line brother you better wake the hell up!

She was going to kick you out!
She went against you and moved some s**thead into your house with YOUR CHILDREN!! WTF?????

GET RID OF HER!
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Right?

OP, you slept on the couch while they slept in your bed? O.o WTF? You didn't go in there and kick some ass?

What do you children think about all of this? How sad for them.

Your wife has to go. Kick her out. What nerve she has. But...y'all did invite this into your home. Big big mistake. Marriage is for 2. Not 3 or 4 or whatever. This stuff happens all the time in these poly lifestyles.
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I didn't "kick his ass" because that would be an assault and I would lose my job, livelihood, and the way to support my children and myself. I grew a backbone, but when he fled, so did she.
I love her so much and I'm leaving her alone, hoping that she starts to miss me and the kids, comes to her senses and asks to come back. We will address the hoarding and the other problems. She won't comeback and things will be the same, they never will be. But I look back just a few weeks ago and look at the messages she and I exchanged and know that love still exists it is just buried under fear, resentment, and a need to be free for awhile. I no doubt know she is going through a mid-life crisis. I WILL wait for her, whether it be weeks, months or years. I'm 50. I am lonely, but I won't do to my kids what she is doing to us. I will raise my kids and continue my life as best as I can until she comes around. If she never returns to me, then I will die a very lonely old man who will be well loved and respected by his children. I tell my children everyday when I walk out that door, or drop them off to school, "Tonight I will be here, I will always be here."
I just need some reassurance that she will come back. Most of my friends whose wives have left them, the majority of them state at one point or another the wife tried to come back. If she comes back to me broken in spirit, mind or body, I will take her back. I have true love for her. The pain of her being gone now is sharp and I know it will dull with time, but I will wait.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:04 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Cut off her money and the slime ball mooch she is with will diump her.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too Comfortable / Swinging Destroyed My Marraige

Start implementing The 180 Degrees Rules for your emotional well being. With time, you will become emotionally strong to move on with your life with or without your wife.
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Old 01-09-2012, 03:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I don't really believe either one of you love each other. You CANNOT sexually share somebody you love with another. It isn't natural. It isn't normal behavior either to sleep on a couch in your own home while another man is in bed with YOUR wife. And by the way, as long as you cry and beg, 1- you are giving her all the control and 2- she will not come back.
You have both messed up and have abused and trampled on a precious thing called marriage.
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Old 01-09-2012, 07:16 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Start implementing The 180 Degrees Rules for your emotional well being. With time, you will become emotionally strong to move on with your life with or without your wife.
Thank you so much for posting this. Wish I had started these rules a lot earlier. Now I have a goal and game plan.

Thank you very much!!
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Old 01-09-2012, 07:38 AM   #13 (permalink)
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immediately file for full custody of your kids,use where she's living at and his prior record to your advantage. close ALL open accounts today. she's going to try and drain you if you don't.
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Old 01-09-2012, 12:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Too Comfortable / Swinging Destroyed My Marraige

I think you need to stop concerning yourself on how to get her back and rather spend your time and energy focusing on teaching yourself how to be happy she's gone.

Regardless of your swinging lifestyle, she broke your trust and completely disrespected you in every sense of the term. She maliciously plotted against you and shamed you in your own home.

This is NOT about what it takes to win back a soulless piece of garbage whom you cannot trust for the rest of your life, this is about learning to educate yourself that you don't need this soulless piece of garbage back into your life.

Even if she comes crawling back to you, she will never respect you after everything you've let her get away with. Let the moving on begin...
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Old 01-12-2012, 10:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Destroyed in San Antonio View Post
Thank you so much for posting this. Wish I had started these rules a lot earlier. Now I have a goal and game plan.

Thank you very much!!
Please don't misunderstand. The 180 Degrees Rules are for YOUR emotional well being. The purpose of the 180 is to protect you and nourish you emotionally so that you will eventually be strong enough to move on with your life, with or without your wife.

I wish you the best for you and your children.
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