Hi all, here's my sorry about 2 months ago my wife went to some grand opening party should of ended at 8, since we were friends in the find my friend app it showed she left and was near a parking lot or something for a while when I text her r She said she is heading home she said yea and than removed me from the app so the next day I asked her she said she was lost and called me a stalker , now the other day she said had to work late so my gut told
Me put something in car to track and I did and as she was leaving she text me was going to stay to 7 but at 5 the car was heading towards a residential street so 20 min later I got in car and started to race there but foolish me called and screamed and cursed where she was, long story short she was saying she was not in that area called me stalker again, and now told me she is done with me .intold her I felt she is cheating she says no but she is so different and even liking a old friends instagram page often and said she runs into him sometimes . So last night I begged to work it out she said she is done and 11 years i treated her like **** so i said just call a lawyer than and she said she has no time for that now . We have 2 kids and I just don't know what is going on . It's been quiet we went to the store today with the kids but she always has phone in hand.
It's her work phone, I'm almost given up trying to figure it out , I think I'm going to hope for the best and plan for the worst. I kiss her good by she turns her cheek , now she been sleeping in the kids room, I just now said u want to stay in here she said the kids want her in there. I cried almost all day yesterday but I have to be strong and if it happens I have to be there for my kids,
Stop trying to show her affection or asking her to sleep in the same bed or anything intimate. She's not interested. If she's not planning on leaving, she wants you to leave and is trying to drive you away. Do No Leave Your Home.
Is it true what she said, that you have treated her like crap for the last 11 years? If your wife was here, what would she tell us? Please don't say you two had your ups and downs; be more specific.
Not easy no, I like the voice thing but I think that I'll only hurt myself more , she is already cold and said it's over . To hear her talking to someone else will put the icing on the cake. She says there is. O one but my gut says something else. I think now I'll wait for her to make the move with a lawyer , I have to for my kids. But would it be wrong if I start looking in the mean time .
Burying your head in the sand won't help you much. If you want to try and save your marriage you'll need to do exposure. To do that you need some evidence. Unless you can afford a PI and let them do it for you.
Can you do this. Use the Python Approach. Meaning lay and wait for her to expose the affair to you when she slips up and when she does, expose the affair with no mercy. If the guy is married or a co-worker, inform the spouse or work place or both. Seeing how she didn't even have the foresight to disable Find My Friends until you after you said something about it, I'm betting she is sloppy and in the Fog. She's probably slipping up all the time, but you're not seeing it yet. You will. Be cool and calculated. Do not lose your cool again and blow it.
Don't wait for her to make a move with a lawyer. YOU set an appointment with a lawyer to find out what your rights are.
She is almost certainly cheating. Guarding her phone; finding fault with everything you do; no signs of affection; sleeping in another room. These are all classic signs of cheater behavior.
She doesn't want to consider divorce because if things with her other man (OM) don't work out, she can fall back on you. That's why you're being referred to as "Plan B". She wants to keep you as a backup so she can test drive the OM.
I know it's hard. I've been in exactly your shoes. But you can overcome this. If possible, talk to a lawyer and get yourself into individual counseling (IC).
In the meantime, pull back from your wife and quietly gather evidence. Put a voice activated recorder (VAR) in her car. Check her cell phone records for a number that she is sending messages to and receiving messages from, in addition to phone calls. Check her Facebook or any other social media.
You need to protect yourself, because right now she doesn't care about you. In fact, my ex wandering wife (XWW) became my mortal enemy during her affair and subsequent divorce. It's not uncommon for the wandering spouse (WS) to do this; they have to justify their cheating behavior by making you out to be the bad guy.
Please give us more information. The history of your marriage, the historical dynamic between you two, any instances of cheating or abuse of any kind from either of you, prior relationship or marital history, what your family lives were like growing up... Anything that might give us some insight into how you got here.
Most importantly, DO NOT CONFRONT HER AGAIN WITHOUT HARD EVIDENCE. Give her all the space she wants. Do not show her any affection. And read up on the 180.
I'm sorry Hayday, many BS have been in your shoes, your response is weak. Hoping it will go away will not make it go away, please find your cajones and take action as prescribed on this thread, find the evidence, it is there.
Not a stay at home dad, we both work. We're married 11 years but we did fight a lot over nonsense, I would love for this to pass but I don't know , anymore spying etc I may be in more trouble , at this point I rather not know, we have 2 vacations planned and paid I have too see now what s up with that, plus she did not tell her family anything either . Should I start looking to date on the low now lol
Thanks all so much for the responses
Not a stay at home dad, we both work. We're married 11 years but we did fight a lot over nonsense, I would love for this to pass but I don't know , anymore spying etc I may be in more trouble , at this point I rather not know, we have 2 vacations planned and paid I have too see now what s up with that, plus she did not tell her family anything either . Should I start looking to date on the low now lol
Don't date on the low. She might notice your distance and will start trying to figure out what you are up to. If you get caught you're really screwed. You need to get distant, but with something else that is really good for you. You need to show her that you are strong enough to move on and that will be ok without her.
You need to know what's going on. Find out what's going on and do not negotiate with her on the exposure. I almost fell for that trap. I even regretted how I called my wife's OM's spouse and blew up their affair On The OM's Birthday at first. Now I am extremely pleased with the way I expose their affair. If you can catch her in an affair, tell her she needs to leave. Maybe there is family nearby she can go stay with. Hell send her to her boyfriends house. Just make sure that you can expose within minutes (if possible) of confronting her. Do not give either one of them the chance at having a heads up of the exposure and trying to cover it up. Do it immediately. Plan it out in advance.
If you can cancel the vacations, maybe cancel them and don't even ask her. Even if you take a loss for canceling. Going on a vacation with her in her state would be miserable for both of you.
Just like you I am still struggling to get my head wrapped around making the best choices for myself. However, I have done the burying my head in the sand, I'm going to get in trouble if I go any further with exposing this and pretending that doing things like going on a vacation might lead to us having a good time together and working things out. I can tell you right now I was being a moron. There is a guy coming to visit me tonight who actually went on a vacation with a wife that wanted to leave him and that had been caught cheating by a PI. He did the whole serenade her with a mariachi band on a cruise and all this other stuff… Guess what? She started banging the other guy again. Probably did right before the vacation and immediately after. It destroyed him trying to do that love dare/fireproof crap with a woman like that. Cancel it.
Lay Low. Discover what she is up to using your own wits. Then Expose. Expose. Expose. Move on as fast as possible away from her. It's hard. But go as dark as possible. And do not reach out to her unless it's absolutely necessary as in children. I do not contact my cheating wife for anything that doesn't have to do with children or functionality purposes. She will contact me from time to time to talk about things and sometimes I agree and we meet in public. But mostly I am distant with her.
No, do not start dating. I completely understand the desire to do so, but take it from someone who dated way too soon after splitting from their XWW: it almost never leads to a good outcome. You're still emotionally attached to your WW. That's not a failing on your part... It's just a fact.
Give yourself time to separate legally and emotionally from your WW. Take care of yourself and your needs. Reconnect with old friends. Go to the gym and take out your frustrations there. Learn how to be okay and happy single. It may take you a while to get there, but don't let that deter you. The journey means something!
Over four years after my XWW and I split and two failed relationships later, I finally meet the woman I want risk marriage again for. We've been together for a year, and in a few years marriage is definitely on the table. But I needed to be single for a WHILE before I was able to really bond with another.
During that time I invested in myself, my career, and my daughter. I'm making $25k more per year now with a soaring earnings potential. The marital house is now in my name only. Besides the house, I am now officially debt free with a substantial savings. This summer I'm going to buy a new car.
Relationships can get in the way of your healing and self-care at this critical stage. I guarantee I'd be even farther along if I hadn't wasted almost two years trying to fill the void inside me with relationships.
Make you the best you possible. Take that time and invest in yourself. Trust me... You'll be really glad you did.
Wow so I won't try to date yet but if she is talking to someone won't that bother her than for not getting over us first, she told me the other day if she is going to do anything it will be when we're divorced ...just now she came in got a pillow and went on the couch, I was like really u can even stay in here ? It's been a week and than I text her saying that it must to far gone ... should I just ignore it am I wrong for asking
Hayday, although your reaction was understandable you blew it and put her on notice that you know something is up, wrong move. Your gut was telling you something is wrong and based on the evidence, something is up.
Go into STEALTH mode. Try to act normal, lull her into a false sense of security. If you cannot keep it together to investigate her activities then get a PI instead to follow her for a week or two.
It sounds like it could be this guy, if she is acting strange. You need the evidence before you confront. Invite her out for dinner, out with the kids, act normal, talk about work, mundane things, etc.
You can do this, start keeping track of her social media, keep a journal of all she says and does (for cross checking later).
I will , its crazy though today we're out shopping doing stuff around the house but she still has a slight attitude and playing her music, her family texting us happy anniversary and I'm saying thanks and she not even responding to them , but last year she was completely different
Find yourself a room that she is not in. If she follows you around go to where your TV is and put on a movie and play it loud, not so loud that neighbor can complain. Or the house stereo if you have one. If she complains walk out the door. Two can play I the I am lost game. Take a hour or 2 and cool off before you do or say something that does not help at all. Come back in and read up on the 180.
No. She's in The Fog. Make yourself scarce. Don't try to antagonize her in retaliation it only makes you look like an amateur. Fight fire with fire, but don't provoke. Her weapon of choice is distancing herself from you. Make yourself scarce and distant like she does. Do it now and see how it works. Be committed to continuing to distance yourself. It's very liberating. I know. I've been in your position and it works. It works for YOU. Not the relationship. It's about YOU right now.
Sad part is she never goes out at all , so I don't know .... what do u recommend for next week during work, we use to talk and or text in the day , should I just let her do it and if she don't I should not call or text ?
I can't snoop anymore it's not worth it and plus it will make it worse if she catches me she already calling me a stalker and that she feels that she can turn left etc without me questioning etc
Sad part is she never goes out at all , so I don't know .... what do u recommend for next week during work, we use to talk and or text in the day , should I just let her do it and if she don't I should not call or text ?
I can't snoop anymore it's not worth it and plus it will make it worse if she catches me she already calling me a stalker and that she feels that she can turn left etc without me questioning etc
I would not text or call her unless it's for functionality of the family. And don't go looking for reasons like kids or household to justify calling/texting her(this is a easy thing to do). Do it when you have to. If she calls/texts you, don't get all excited. Respond to texts if you really need to. Don't be upset or excited if she calls. Be indifferent and super cool.
Don't be scared to find out the information you deserve to know.
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