I'm too in my head

proudwidaddy · 01-09-2012, 06:55 PM

My wife gave me the "I love you but don't love you" speech last month, said that there is nothing that I could've done different, this is her. All that bs. The messed up thing is I'm so in my head thinking if I would've been a better cook at the house, if I would've been more mechanical inclined. I always showed her affection, great father to our children, said that she will not probably find anyone as good as me (to treat her like I do). So why am I so messed up, analyzing everything? THis was her choice not mine!

Jellybeans · 01-09-2012, 07:12 PM

Because you are dealing with a major trauma and trying to make sense of everythinh. Its normal. You are going to go through a lot of different emotions. Stay positive and start thinking practically. Have you filed divorce?
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KatiezMomma · 01-09-2012, 07:56 PM

I think thats one of the hardest thing once the axe falls, you start rethinking EVERYTHING (well I did at least). He had the affair, I got the same love you but not in love speech and bunch of other stuff that still hurts so much to this day and its been over two months. I blamed myself for everything, I wasn't a good enough cook, not affectionate enough, not enough sex, whined too much, and so on. After reading this site over and over you realize that all of that doesn't matter. Your spouse made this decision to leave the marriage for any number of reason and doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, it still would have happened. You have to realize its not because of a fault in you, its a fault in her. Easier said than done but its true.

madaboutlove · 01-09-2012, 09:06 PM

Seems to me I can find plenty of fault with myself through IC, but none of it seems to add up to abandoning a 28 year long, successful marriage. Sure, lets refocus, lets rebuild, lets set new expectations for each other, but not throw the whole thing away. You are right, there is no explanation for their decision to leave. I read that at least 75% of those who divorce regret it later. Nothing I can do about that!

Jellybeans · 01-09-2012, 09:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by madaboutlove

I read that at least 75% of those who divorce regret it

Eh. I think that # is highly inaccurate.
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madaboutlove · 01-09-2012, 09:17 PM

What do you think is more realistic? Not that it matters, as this time ticks away, it certainly seems unlikely there will be a change in his mind. Or in mine by the time it comes to the end

Jellybeans · 01-09-2012, 09:55 PM

It has nothing to do w the OP 'changing his mind' since they are two different subjects. I just don't believe that a75% of people regret their divorces. Idk what # is right since every divorce is different and each group out of a hundred polled would answer differently. People generally accept these things and move on and it becomes a life experience.
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havnot · 01-10-2012, 03:47 AM

What I'm finding is the change from what "we" are when we first start dating/get married to what "we" are when we have problems could be a cause?!

Finding problems in IC etc is useful, but maybe finding someone who like who you are after IC and Growing as a person?!?

madaboutlove · 01-10-2012, 08:50 AM

Yes, you are right, that is the focus of most of my energy now, working on me and my relationships. Somedays, though, especially when my kids are affected, I just want to think about repairing our marriage. And when I am feeling especially lonely. Someday, down the road, I could find someone who appreciates all that I am becoming. Thanks for the feedback