Stood up to the stbxw
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Stood up to the stbxw

This morning I stood up to the stbxw when she called to talk. She asked me why she was the one talking about things, and I wasn't talking to her. I told her because it was her decision for the divorce, that I never gave up loving her, I didn't abandon us. That it kills me physically to not be able to see my kids every day. That it's the hardest pain I've ever had to go through. That I can't be there to support her emotionally, I have to be there for myself right now. I told her that I hope that in her life she never has to go through what I'm going through, to feel look back at your past and wonder if what you did or didn't do caused all this. I then told her that I think about the future, how we used to have hopes and dreams together, now they are gone. I then think about the person that she will eventually date, and wonder what is it about that person that entices her, that she can't see in me. It felt so good to say all this (while still being respectful). I think she wishes I would bash her, call her a name, something that would be easier for her to accept, than for me to still be the same guy I was. In a strange way I think she kind of respects me for standing up to her. I also resisted the urge to ask her how she was doing. I told her that I'm not going to beg for her to come back, that i'm not going to plead. I don't need to beg someone to love me. I have more respect (now) in myself. Im pulling away, starting to stand on my own two feet. That scares her because she probably thought I would still be here to emotionally support her. The kicker of it all is when I told her that "I don't have a wife anymore, I realize you are not coming back to me. You are not the same wife I knew" Then she said, "Well I don't have a husband." Are you fricking kidding me? This was your choice to discard me like yesterdays trash. Not mine!!! She even still has the gaul to tell me that her and the other guy are just friends. That down the line I will meet someone. I told her I'm no where ready to meet someone. I told her that I don't even think I could talk to someone of the opposite sex right now a "just friends." I think that got her when I said that. She is not used to me standing up to her lately. Plus I think only thirty days into it she still thought I would be begging for her to come back, saying I miss her. She is so messed up in her own little world right now that maybe what i told her now won't affect her, but down the line it will. I don't care though because what I said today was not for her, it was for me!
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Sounds like you are doing the right thing. I like that you said 'i don't have a wife anymore'. Wives that leave their husbands are not the same people they were when they married. They've allowed the love that was once felt to disappear and all they see now is how they were wronged and that makes them want to hurt the husbands that are/were willing to salvage a marriage.

My wife won't even talk to me. She had her lawyer attach a letter to a spousal support complaint filing asking me to not contact her directly or electronically. Then a few days later she texts me!?!? Sounds like your wife is similar - rules don't apply to them, only us. They treat us worth than an enemy!?

I've stopped seeking out my wife and focusing on myself. You or I didn't ask for any of this and it really sucks. I think you're on the right path. Look out for yourself and stay on track!
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stood up to the stbxw

hey the benefit to this is that i've lost 28 lbs in the last 7 weeks. im 3 lbs away from being the weight i was when i meet my wife 11 years ago.
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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hey the benefit to this is that i've lost 28 lbs in the last 7 weeks. im 3 lbs away from being the weight i was when i meet my wife 11 years ago.
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We may be dopplengangers. I was at 188 when we separated and now i'm at 166. My fighting weight is around 159.
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Old 01-10-2012, 05:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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hey the benefit to this is that i've lost 28 lbs in the last 7 weeks. im 3 lbs away from being the weight i was when i meet my wife 11 years ago.
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Good for you!!

I'm sorry you are going through this.

AS a woman perspective I think even if she does not say anything back to you, that your words did effect her. She is probably in the affair fog right now if there is someone and you talk like there is. It took me at least 30 days to start missing my husband. I did choose to tell him to leave. Too much stress all around caused us to break down.

Before the 30 days I did think of my husband often, but in anger and feeling like he just didn't want me
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Old 01-10-2012, 05:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stood up to the stbxw

I hear ya... I've lost 21 lbs in 4 weeks. Still very far from my goal weight, but I'll take this loss better than losing my wife.
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Old 01-10-2012, 05:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You did fine but the next time she's says you will meet someone, tell her: "I know I will." From now only disccus legalities w her. You owe her nothing in terms of emotional support. She is the one who wantedd this.
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Old 01-10-2012, 05:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stood up to the stbxw

blueskies30,

When you did miss your husband after 30 days, what did you do? How did he respond and how did you feel about it?

I'm just trying to prepare for such an event should my wife start "missing" me and decides to abuse my feelings again.

Regardless of what happens in the future between us, I have a strong urge to make her understand how destroyed she has made me feel and how it's NOT OK to do this to someone who she still admits "she cares about".

I hate myself for being who I am. I really do.
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Old 01-10-2012, 11:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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update to this. I was over at the house tonight to spend time with kids. The whole time I'm there she is staring at me, trying to make eye contact. I just give her the silent treatment. I'm focused entirely on my daughter that this points. I'm on the couch reading her a book, then the stbxw says "look at those two cuties". Really? What fantasy world are you living in. You want to be able to have your "just friends" relationships, but then try to act like everything is normal? I even told her that I was going to make dinner for the kids tonight, and she hung around and made dinner instead. She went grocery shopping and was trying to be all sweet, asking me if I need anything from the grocery store. I told her "Nope, I'm good." Basically just only talking to her at the house for what I need to. The sad thing is that house used to feel so warm to me, now it feels like a prison. I literally have panic attacks waiting for time to go once the kids are in bed. The kicker to all this, last weekend she was supposed to be at her parents cabin up north, but I found a gas receipt that put her in the same city as her "Just Friend'. I so badly want to tell her to google search "just friend" so she can realize that this is code speak for "I'm cheating on you." She has lied to herself so much she can't even see when she is being transparent.
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Old 01-11-2012, 12:38 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stood up to the stbxw

Why not? I don't see what you have to lose at this point. especially since you've deigned to move on.
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Old 01-11-2012, 08:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Sounds like your on the right path! Were close in stories only my wife has decided to leave because she wants to be independent which I know is I just want to be free and have fun at bars and clubs now. The price you pay for getting married and having a baby so young. Keep being strong sounds like your making progress.
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Old 01-11-2012, 09:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
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You did fine but the next time she's says you will meet someone, tell her: "I know I will." From now only disccus legalities w her. You owe her nothing in terms of emotional support. She is the one who wantedd this.
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Also, stop talking about how you feel about her actions unless she asks you directly. Don't volunteer them, and keep your statements short. She wants some connection, and if you give it too easily, it allows her keep it while she does her thing. She needs to work for the connection, which means working on the marriage. If not, no connection.

Also, don't tell her you won't beg and plead anymore. That sounds too much like beggin and pleading. At most, tell her "You chose for us to get divorced, so I am honoring those wishes and moving on."
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Old 01-11-2012, 01:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I don't comment or say ANYTHING to my soon to be ex other than child or finance topics. It drives her friggin crazy. Every three days she'll text me about tire pressure or dog food and I never respond. Then 5 minutes later I get the, "I'll figure it out, sorry to bother u" message. I just laugh my butt off and think to myself, "You're dang right you will!"

Think about the pain they put you through to satisfy their own selfish agenda. Go COMPLETELY dark and never share your pain or feelings with her again. If she asks you how your doing or whatever don't answer! Say nothing! Showing her that you are "hurt" by her actions gives her power. Screw that...

My opinion of course.
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Old 01-11-2012, 01:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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update to this. I was over at the house tonight to spend time with kids. The whole time I'm there she is staring at me, trying to make eye contact. I just give her the silent treatment. I'm focused entirely on my daughter that this points. I'm on the couch reading her a book, then the stbxw says "look at those two cuties". Really? What fantasy world are you living in.
Proud, you need to let your anger go and accept it is over and this woman isn't who you married. That woman is long gone. Continue to put your best face forward. You don't have to give her the silent treatment but you can limit your contact with her and when you are in contact, be cordial but unemotional.

Re: the receipt--assume the worst. It will help take a load off you. in your mind, think the worst cause that way you won't be believin ga fantasy. So assume she is having an affair and see the divorce through. Don't email her about "just a friend" and don't engage in these conversations w/ her about "just a friend." If she is too much of a coward to admit what's going on, then that is her problem and will be on her conscious.

Let her go.
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