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Old 01-16-2012, 04:50 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Devotedtomywife: thanks for your post. Must be very difficult for you knowing your wife is with the OM. I admire your courage. For a long time I thought my H was leaving me for the OW but slowly I am realising this is not the case. Even though he still works with her and this is very tough for me I am beginning to move on and very slowly the anxiety is fading and the trust is returning.

We had a good weekend. Spent most of it togethe and with the kids except for a few hours on Sunday when he went out for a spin on his motorbike and I went for a coffee with friends.
Things are getting more relaxed and when he had gone Saturday night we had long long conversation through txtin about our regrets from the past. We also briefly discussed the AE and he has taken full responsibility for what happened but is finding it extremely difficult to forgive himself. In his words 'I became the man I never thought I would be and I have done a terrible thing to you'.
When he came around Sunday morning I was still in bed. He came upstairs and knocked on the bedroom door and we had a lovely snuggle in bed for half an hour before getting up.

So let's see whatthe week brings. I sway from wanting to give him an ultimatum but I think it's too soon for that. I feel our friendship is in the mend. I'm continuing to work on myself, ESP my anxiety and mental attitude. I've lost a out 14lb, which is great and H mentioned yesterday that he wld pay for me to join the local health club if I want!! In the past he has said it's too expensive!!

I guess I'm in it for the long haul folks. I truly love my H, and I want my marriage to work. I'm hoping in time he will come home! X
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Old 01-16-2012, 05:05 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss him...But...

I love reading posts that smell like reconciliation

You're a lovely gal Daisygirl. Never lose hope. Your husband will come back.
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Old 01-17-2012, 05:21 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Synthetic: Thankyou for the positive feedback. Of course my ultimate goal is for my H to come back, i think we are a long way off that yet though, but as this goes on i feel i am becoming stronger and hopefully will be able to deal with the outcome whatever it may be.

Had a bit of a wobbly morning as i decided to sit down and sort out the finances. My H has NO interest in money whatsover!! He has opened a seperate bank account but insist that my wages and his wages should still be paid into our joint account and that I am to decide home much miney to give HIM every month!! Crazy eh? So ive been trying to do that this morning. Ive told him im not too happy with the arrangement as it still means that i am in control and responsible for the finances, which i always have been and he said hes not bothered, as long as hes got enough money for living expeneses and a couple of in his pocket, i can have the rest!! I think we will just have to see how this goes.

apart from that ive been ok. Spent my first night away from home last night (due TO work) since October. H stayed at my house with the kids and it went ok. When his EA was going on he used to txt her constantly when i was working my evening shifts, and from the phone bill i cld see that he wld txt me goodnite then carry on txting her, and in the morning he wld txt her before he txt me. So returning to my normal shift patterns has been really difficult for me. Work have been amazing. I am supposed to do 3 sleep outs a week, but they have given me a 3 month window where i only have to do what i am feeling up to doing. I have decided to try 1 sleep out a week to start. My anxiety was very low and i coped well. I was proud of myself. H kept in contact by txt and i rang him at 10pm and it was ok.

So this week i am continuing to try and push the negatives to the back of my mind, and focus on the positives. I still have a lot to be thankfull for in my life. 3 great kids, a good job, a home and good friends, oh and my H, who is hopefully starting to become my best friend again!
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Old 01-18-2012, 03:44 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Morning everyone.
Its a horrible day here in the UK. Typical British winter weather. Cold, damp and miserable! BUT i am feeling good today. Why? Well H was here last night looking after the kids until i got home from work at 10pm. I came throught the door and he had lit lots of candles around the fire and had a cuppa waiting for me. He had prepared all the school clothes, sorted my washing out and made the packed lunches ready for school tommorrow. He hugged me hello and kissed me on the cheek, then we just sat for an hour and chatted. It was lovely. We really are atarting to be more relaxed around each other now. Thoroughout the day he txted me silly things and kept me updated on what he was doing in work (rememeber OW works with him), even txting me as soon as he got in from work.

So things are going ok. My anxiety is much better. Im still getting the odd moment but its nothing as bad as it was. Im seeing my counsellor on Monday and unless anything goes really wrong i am thinking that i should only have a few sessions left with her.

Im feeling stronger in myself, everyday. im not going to get ahead of myself though, but i really feel that we are making progress. H is much more relaxed and we are getting on well. I know we have to rebuild our frienship and respect for each other and thats what im working on.

Oh and my biggest achievement of yesterday? I DIDNT CRY WHEN HE LEFT!!! Im so proud of myself. I felt sad, but i actually felt ok, and i got up this morning and didnt have that feeling of emptiness and dread inside me. At last i feel like i am healing. I still miss him but that absolute pain in heart is lessening. I never thought this day would come.
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:42 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I found a letter the other day that he wrote me about 3 years ago telling me how much he loved and adored me and promised me that he was trying so hard to be the husband that i deserved. I felt so sad when i read it. How can that love have dissapeared so quickly? Its just heartbreaking.
My ex wrote that kind of letter to me only 4 months before he left me...and 2 months after he met HER.The letter was amazing,expressing his love for me,how nothing in this world matters to him ,how everything is material junk and the only thing that matters is ME ,the love of his life.He tells me I matter the most,not even his mom,dad,brother..etc.he says he is crying when he is writing it to me...etc...


I guess things change in a split second,especially when you meet a 11 years younger single woman that smiles back at you.Too bad ,he just started realizing how much he messed up ..too bad.I only feel bad for my girls,and will never get over their loss.

I hope your H. realizes now what he is going to lose,fingers crossed he comes around and returns home.But even if he doesn't seems like you are doing very well.keep up.
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H. separated from me onDec. 1st 2010Reconciled March 2nd 2011 .
April 24th ,he told me he's been having an affair
May 11 the day he asked for divorce
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Old 01-20-2012, 06:39 AM   #21 (permalink)
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You sound a lot like me, except my wife moved out with the kids, and still has OM.

Funny thing is, our friendship has gotten much better - we stopped fighting, we talk constantly - we were together over the holidays and went on long walks together and talked constantly. We talk on the phone most days and text every day. She moved a fair distance away, back to her family, so I can't see her daily.

Our communication and friendship fell apart during our marriage - now its coming back. I hope its a first step towards reconciliation, but I know at least it will mean a better friendship if nothing else.

Hang in there, keep talking with your spouse, build those ties - show them why they once loved you and hope you both can find that spark again. Don't give up until you've tried everything you can.

I firmly believe in fighting for a marriage - divorce is too easy in today's society.

Good luck.
Devoted,
It really sounds to me like your wife has no reason to return to the marriage. Just think, she is still committing adultery, she gets family time with you and kids, and she still has you as a friend. It sounds like cake-eating to me. This is what all wayward spouses want because it makes them feel better about what they're doing.

Every wayward spouse wants to keep things amicable "for the kids" because it means in their warped way of thinking that their adultery "wasn't all that bad if husband/wife still wants to be friends".

I'm don't believe there is a real shot at recovery until OM is gone.

Just my 2 cents ....
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Old 01-24-2012, 04:53 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Devoted,
It really sounds to me like your wife has no reason to return to the marriage. Just think, she is still committing adultery, she gets family time with you and kids, and she still has you as a friend. It sounds like cake-eating to me. This is what all wayward spouses want because it makes them feel better about what they're doing.

Every wayward spouse wants to keep things amicable "for the kids" because it means in their warped way of thinking that their adultery "wasn't all that bad if husband/wife still wants to be friends".

I'm don't believe there is a real shot at recovery until OM is gone.

Just my 2 cents ....
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Sorry to jump on someone else's thread but this post has really hit home with me!

I have been doing exactly the same thing! For three weeks my wayward h has been sleeping in the spare room, spending time with me and the kids. And also spending as much time with his ow as he wants.

I've been doing the 180 to a point but have been totally enabling his cake eating!

I'm so dumb! I thought because I wasn't sleeping with him or cooking for him, washing his clothes etc he was having the consequence of his affair. But I've realised he also has been enjoying family time, relieving his guilt, ive been kind and friendly and not holding him to account for his where abouts.

I've now told him to move out by the end of the week and I am going dark .... He does not deserve me as a friend and I do not deserve to be his second choice

Thank you for this lightbulb moment
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Old 01-24-2012, 05:31 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Hi everyone. Haven't posted for a little while so just updating. Things are ok and we continue to spend lots of time together. My anxiety is lessening, thank goodness, and I'm still just trying to take things a day at a time.
I saw my IC yesterday and one of the things that came up was I'm unsure of what 'this' is now. Are we reconciling or what! Im unsure. I'm not going to push anything at the moment though as I'm just not ready but I am Definately going to put more boundaries in place.

I'm doing a lot if reading, which helps, but sometimes I just feel overloaded with information and advice and It wears me out.

We had a good weekend on the whole. Had a quiet day Saturday just playing the XBox and relaxing and on Sunday we took our D for a lovely walk. There were a few teas I admit as we had to sit down and sort out our new budget, but it's done now and before he went on Sunday evening we sat and had a cuddle. He said he hates seeing me upset and that he was sorry! So sad but I'm hoping this seperation will just give him the space he needs to sort his head out!
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:23 AM   #24 (permalink)
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I dont know how much longer i can stay in limbo land!!
He wont discuss anything. How he feels, the future, nothing. When i talk he just sits there or hugs me and says nothing! I need to know what "this" is. Are we just friends now or are we working on out marriage? He wont answer me. Part of me says to just hang on in there and go with the flow but last night i came the closests to telling him that i dont want to be his friend anymore and that if he cant be my husband then he has to stay away! I think i need to give myself a time frame. I think i shall set a goal for 6 months. If theres no sign in him coming home by then its time for me to move on.

I love him to bits but i cant wait for him for ever. I can feel myself brgining to get resentful and ambivilant towards him. Heartbreaking
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Old 02-07-2012, 06:35 AM   #25 (permalink)
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This definitely sounds like cake eating to me. He is getting all of the "family man" benefits, without having to be with you. He has his freedom and his kids in his life daily, that is a PERFECT situation for a Dad who is going through a separation or divorce. He is having all of the positives with NONE of the negatives. This isn't fair. You also sound like you are allowing him and his actions to determine your worth and mood.......You need to think about you and your strength and happiness, NOT HIS. I am shocked that he even attempted to act this way. just my opinion, you do what you need to.

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Old 02-07-2012, 06:37 AM   #26 (permalink)
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I dont know how much longer i can stay in limbo land!!
He wont discuss anything. How he feels, the future, nothing. When i talk he just sits there or hugs me and says nothing! I need to know what "this" is. Are we just friends now or are we working on out marriage? He wont answer me. Part of me says to just hang on in there and go with the flow but last night i came the closests to telling him that i dont want to be his friend anymore and that if he cant be my husband then he has to stay away! I think i need to give myself a time frame. I think i shall set a goal for 6 months. If theres no sign in him coming home by then its time for me to move on.

I love him to bits but i cant wait for him for ever. I can feel myself brgining to get resentful and ambivilant towards him. Heartbreaking
My take is that he doesn't want to talk about things because he will lose his "cake"......please be careful and take care of you.
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Old 02-07-2012, 10:11 AM   #27 (permalink)
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I dont know how much longer i can stay in limbo land!!
How long do you want to stay there? The choice is yours.

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Originally Posted by daisygirl 41 View Post
He wont discuss anything. How he feels, the future, nothing. When i talk he just sits there or hugs me and says nothing! I need to know what "this" is. Are we just friends now or are we working on out marriage? He wont answer me. I love him to bits but i cant wait for him for ever. I can feel myself brgining to get resentful and ambivilant towards him. Heartbreaking
If he won't work together WITH you on/in the marriage, then he's working against you.

His inaction and non-responses to your questions says it all.

Stop pining/groveling for him. Tell him the above. That if he isn't going to put forth effort in the marriage, you will take that to mean he isn't interested in the marriage. This would greatly aggravate me.

Take a stand.
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Old 02-08-2012, 07:57 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Jellybeans and brokenhearted,

I hear you!
I know what i should be doing and i am getting there i promise you. Im still not ready to give ultimatums BUT i have discussed with him how i need my space and that he has to stop coming around so often. I am letting go.

The need to cling on to him and be with him at all costs its fading and i find myself questioning whether i still love and miss him or if i just miss what we had. My feelings are changing towards him but i dont know if this is a good or a bad thing. i suppose for my mental health and peace of mind it is a good thing but it still makes me feel very sad. The thought of a life without him is not so unbearable and i almost find myself looking forward to a new future.

If my future is to be with him theres are a lot of changes that have to be made. If its not with him, then so be it. Theres someone out there for me who will love me the way i deserved to be loved, im sure of it
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:13 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Jellybeans and brokenhearted,

I hear you!
I know what i should be doing and i am getting there i promise you. Im still not ready to give ultimatums BUT i have discussed with him how i need my space and that he has to stop coming around so often. I am letting go.

The need to cling on to him and be with him at all costs its fading and i find myself questioning whether i still love and miss him or if i just miss what we had. My feelings are changing towards him but i dont know if this is a good or a bad thing. i suppose for my mental health and peace of mind it is a good thing but it still makes me feel very sad. The thought of a life without him is not so unbearable and i almost find myself looking forward to a new future.

If my future is to be with him theres are a lot of changes that have to be made. If its not with him, then so be it. Theres someone out there for me who will love me the way i deserved to be loved, im sure of it
Exactly. I imagine you on't like the way he is treating you. You are romanticizing him and your relationship, what was, not what or who he is now. Stop clinging. Let go or be dragged.

If he gave a crap about you, he would tell you and show it.
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Old 02-19-2012, 06:24 PM   #30 (permalink)
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So we talked. He said friendship is all he can give me right now. He's sorry for hurting me and truly cares for me but that's all he can give. We both cried. He was visibly upset.we spoke about divorce. Neither of us us ready for that yet. We spoke about finances. Money is a bit tight but be said the house is mine and the kids and he will never see us short of cash whatever happens.

Life just stinks at the moment. X
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