hi everyone. Havent posted for a while but been lurking and keeping up with everyones posts. Some of you have helped me a lot over the holiday season without you even knowing!
So hubby picked up the keys for his new place 2 weeks before xmas and started moving in. All his stuff was moved out by Dec 20th. It was a very difficult time for both of us. He stayed with us for xmas and new year and also stayed with us last weekend. So this week its all back to work and routines are back in place after the school holidays. He spent his 3rd night away from home last night.
Despite my fears and anxiety that he was leaving me for the OW and abandoning us thankfully none of this has transpired. We see him everyday and at the weekends, we do things with the children and together, he txts me during the day from work and always txts me good morning and good night. Confusing in some respects but comforting also. Im still not sure at all whhat the future holds for us and i am trying to just go with the flow for the time being. Hes still not ready to talk about the future or our relationship but i suppose actions speak louder than words and the fact that we are getting on a lot better and that he hasnt just dissapeared of the face of the earth is a positive. I know that his behaviouron could be looked at as cake eating, but to be honest, i am too. Im not ready to give him any ultimatums yet and am happy to go with the flow.
The reason for starting this thread this morning was because i was having a shaky moment. I have come on leaps and bounds over the last couple of months and have gone from a complete emotional wreck to a more stable place. BUT this morning, i got my daughter up for school and it just hit me. I miss him. The house was so quiet and i just miss his physical pressence. I just want him to come home. I want to hold him and love him and for everything to be ok. I never thought in a million years that this would happen to us, i thought we were indistructable, it breaks my heart
However! Having the space from him is giving me a chance to think more about what i want. There are lots of changes that wld need to happen on both sides if we were to reconcile and to be honest I am begining to wonder if his EA was a deal breaker for me. No matter what he says, or how much he reassures me it still causes me great anxiety and i am heartbroken over it. I pushed myself to forgive him and to put it behind me, but i just cant at the moment. He still works with the OW and it kills me.
I know only time will tell and i have to be patient but i just feel so let down by him and something inside of me has died and i dont think i will ever get that back.
something inside of me has died and i dont think i will ever get that back
Exactly how I felt this morning after waking up with the worst feeling.
The empty bed. The empty room. The empty closets. The fact that she gave us up so easily. The love is dying inside me, and I'm scared. Very scared. I don't know why.
Something inside you HAS died (the old relationship, the dreams, hopes, etc) but I can assure you, something will grow in its place even bigger and better and is waiting for you on The Other Side.
Something inside you HAS died (the old relationship, the dreams, hopes, etc) but I can assure you, something will grow in its place even bigger and better and is waiting for you on The Other Side.
Exactly how I felt this morning after waking up with the worst feeling.
The empty bed. The empty room. The empty closets. The fact that she gave us up so easily. The love is dying inside me, and I'm scared. Very scared. I don't know why.
How are you today? Its just terrible isnt it.
He was at my house last night to look after the kids while i was in work. He stayed for about half an hour when i got home and we chatted. Then its time for him to go and the anxiety and sadness hite me all over again. I dont know if it would be easier if i had NC with him or not, but after 18 years the thought of this is unbearable!
This will be my first weekend without him staying home. I feel so anxious today and that knot in the pit of my stomach is a constant reminder that all isnt as it should be.
He said he wil be coming over first thing in the morning, to clean my car, then go for a walk with my daughter. Part of me is telling me to tell him not to bother as i need to distance myself from him but then maybe this is just his way of working towards R. He wont talk about anything and i know if i push him to it will just push him away. I suppose i just need to give it time.
The fact that he still works with the OW absolutely cripples me. He swears that its all over and he doesnt want her but all the same its a killer and might even end up being a deal breaker for me. Again only time will tell but i cant bare to go through this again.
Something inside you HAS died (the old relationship, the dreams, hopes, etc) but I can assure you, something will grow in its place even bigger and better and is waiting for you on The Other Side.
Keep your head up
Jellybeans, all your post are always so wise and and positive. I know i am grieving for the marriage we once had, but you know, looking back it wasnt that perfect. We have had a lot of issues to deal with over the last 18 years and maybe i do deserve better, but the one thing that i could always rely on was his love and i just cant believe it has gone.
I found a letter the other day that he wrote me about 3 years ago telling me how much he loved and adored me and promised me that he was trying so hard to be the husband that i deserved. I felt so sad when i read it. How can that love have dissapeared so quickly? Its just heartbreaking.
Im feeling very anxious today. I dont know why. Maybe its because the weekend is coming up. The first one he will be sleeping away from home. But thats just it, he ONLY actually sleeps away, every other minute of the day, when he is not in work, he is here!! I dont get it!
My IC told me to focus on the positives and i have a lot to be positive about i know that, but isnt it wierd how the negatives push themselves to the fronf of your mind much easier?
So my positives at the moment
Hes here everyday after work
He spends all his free time with us
Tommorrow he is coming down early (his words) to clean and polish my car for me
Then he suggested we go for a nice walk and a picnic with my daughter.
So as long as i keepmy anxiety in check, we should have a good weekend!! Are these really the actions of a man who doesnt love his wife? I cant believe he would be spending so much time with me if he didnt want to?
Anyone got any thoughts on this?
My first thought on this would be he has a feeling of guilt for leaving you and your children. He may not wish to be with you anymore be he knows this is his fault so he is trying to atleast in his eyes, make this as easy for you as he can.
My first thought on this would be he has a feeling of guilt for leaving you and your children. He may not wish to be with you anymore be he knows this is his fault so he is trying to atleast in his eyes, make this as easy for you as he can.
Thats what im afraid of to be honest. He felt very guilty and ashamed for a long time, but that seems to have lifted a bit now and his old personality is starting to come through again.
My kids are 17, 15 and 10, so not babies, and over xmas there were plenty of times when the children werent about (sleepovers etc) and he still chose to spend his time with me, just chilling watching dvds, or going for walks. So i really dont know to be honest.
I got upset ( again!) last night before he left. It's difficult not too but I'm getting better at it.
I was very anxious yesterday and he did all the right things in trying to help me with that.
We he went last night we txted a few times and I asked him does he just want to be friends now? He said
Im just seeing how it goes. I dont have a plan or anything if you know what i mean. I find this difficult as well. Just trying to take it one day at a time x (actual message).
So then I asked him if he was just doing things with me out of guilt or obligation? And he replied
Im not spending tme with you just for those reasons. I want to go out tomorrow but i know it cant be easy for you so if you ever feel like you need me out the way dont thinlk i will take it the wrong way. I want to go out for a walk tomorrow as long as its ok with youx (actual message)
So any thoughts on this anyone?
He seems quite happy to just be going with the flow but I'm ow that if we have any chance of a successful R then discussions need to take place at some point. I need to know what be wants. What makes him happy and what he doesn't likeand he also needs to know what I want and need. I'm trying to think of an informal way of approaching this with him.
It's strange because as you posted he is spending time with you and coming around for the kids which is good but is he doing this to help himself gradually separate himself from what his world was to what it will become?
It's so difficult to understand why we do the things we do. I just hope he unknowingly is doing this so he can find it easier to move on if he separates himself gradually. If you ask him he most likely will say no but psychologically he may be doing just that.
It would be great if while going through this separation process that you both find you are happier together than you are apart and you begin a new life together. Posted via Mobile Device
You are spot on Cogo as this is one of the things that I worry about. Is he gradually separating from me because the pain of doing it in one go is too difficult for us both! I just don't know.
All I know is that I've got to be patient and try to put some boundaries in place to protect myself. I also know that IF we do end up back together it's not something that is going to happen quickly. We both need time to heal.
We had a lovely morning. A Coastal walk and picnic with my daughter.
He's gone to lay some carpets then he's coming back later and we are going to the movies!!
My crazy life!! x Posted via Mobile Device
You sound a lot like me, except my wife moved out with the kids, and still has OM.
Funny thing is, our friendship has gotten much better - we stopped fighting, we talk constantly - we were together over the holidays and went on long walks together and talked constantly. We talk on the phone most days and text every day. She moved a fair distance away, back to her family, so I can't see her daily.
Our communication and friendship fell apart during our marriage - now its coming back. I hope its a first step towards reconciliation, but I know at least it will mean a better friendship if nothing else.
Hang in there, keep talking with your spouse, build those ties - show them why they once loved you and hope you both can find that spark again. Don't give up until you've tried everything you can.
I firmly believe in fighting for a marriage - divorce is too easy in today's society.
8Likes
I miss him...But... 
Re: I miss him...But... 
