Well, today I got the text message I've been dreading, but it hasn't turned out so bad. My wife sent a text randomly saying that she doesn't hate me, but doesn't want a relationship with me and found a place. She's hopeful that we can be friends maybe in the future and go do things together some day. We'll need to be cordial for the sake of my son, so I'm glad that she is at least receptive to the possibility of being friends.
I was very humble with my response, and didn't fight her. I told her that I think the world of her, and that I would help in any way I could with moving or whatever. I still hate this to death, but it's sinking in more and more that she just does not want to be with me, and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't even want anything. She's taking her clothes, and some basics. That's it. It's going to be simple and clean.
So, that really sucks. That being said, I'm ok and staying focused on myself. I'm really happy for her that she has found her independence and is moving towards the life she wants, whatever that may be. I truly hope she finds happiness, but I won't mind if one day she regrets not taking the chance to see the man I will become. I absolutely refuse to lose. Being brutally honest with myself, by the time I accomplish my goals, and I will... I don't know if I'm going to want her back anymore.
I have to learn to have some self-worth. I made some bad mistakes, but I can't take them back now, and I can't let them drag me down the way I brought her down. I'm my own worst enemy. I have to quit that. Nonetheless, the fact is that she isn't willing to see me through this. I have to stop caring so much about people who don't care enough about me. I don't blame her for one second, but even the prospect of me becoming a truly changed man doesn't excite her, and my hurdle now is to stop caring about her so much... Therein lies my biggest challenge. Not even sure how to do that. Emotions should come with an app and lots of options.
Really, the only thing that can cure me is time, I'm sure. Long, hard time. I'm going to be in a prison of sorts. But, I'm going to work hard, get good time served off my sentence, and go out and get what I deserve in this world. If my wife would have never betrayed me the first time, I know we'd have been an amazing couple. We were anyway at times, but nothing like we could have been. I really need a rock in my life. I need someone who won't betray me even once. I'll know how to avoid my anger issues and make much better choices regardless going forward, but I'm hoping for something optimal. Most importantly, I'm going to become the confident person I once was and then some. I'm going to be sure that I will make someone lucky to have me one day, and I'll be sure to remember how lucky I am to have them.
I hit a milestone today in my anger management. It's kind of crazy. 5 days ago or so, I started making my "anger ID map." If you don't know what that is, you start from the beginning of your life and try to make a timeline of significant events that caused your anger or triggered it. So, I did that, and had quite a lot of reflection about how my reaction only ever brought me more pain. The funny thing is though, I completely neglected something that should have been obvious to me. I honestly don't even know what triggered the thought, but I remembered something late last night that just came to my thoughts from nowhere, and I think that my behavior has been learned to some degree. The problem is, I learned it from the man I think most of in the world.. My dad.
My mother and father divorced when I was three years old. My mother cheated on my father. It was bitter at times between them. You can imagine, I have been sensitive about cheating and betrayal my whole life. I hate it. It's so pointless. Anyway, that's the first thing on my ID map. What I omitted from my map was something that I think I have kind of repressed over the years. I think I did that, because my dad is really the only person who never betrayed me in my life. The only one. I never wanted to think of him as being wrong or acting out of character without good reason. He was diagnosed with diabetes when he was 17 and robbed of his dream to go in the Air Force. He died when I was 24. He had it as bad as a diabetic can have it throughout his 30+ year struggle.
But here's the issue. My sister and I would go stay with my dad every other weekend. On occasion, my dad's mom would come over to visit with us. Instantly, my dad would become very angry. He was always so hateful towards her, if he would say a word at all. Often times, he would just sit there looking mad and completely ignore her. I never fully understood why he was like that. I asked a few times, but he didn't want to spoil our view of her. He never explained it to me at all. After he died, my uncle later told me that my grandmother was pretty much crazy while they were growing up. She apparently jumped out of a car moving at 50+ miles an hour because my dad and his brothers "didn't love her enough."
Long story short, my dad had a lot of unresolved anger issues. You wouldn't have known it.. He was a genuinely caring person until you crossed him. Once you did, he NEVER let go of a grudge. He disowned his best friend of 16 years, because he didn't show up to Thanksgiving dinner one year. He said he was coming, and then didn't come or call. That was it. They never spoke again. As much as I loved my dad, I'm realizing that he never really explained much of anything to me. I will always worship him, but I have to realize that I was set up to fail. It was a different world then, where dad's didn't have much responsibility to their kids in a divorce situation. He just kind of expected us to follow his examples, and we did, as long as we were with him. Disappointing him was like a knife right through your heart. We just didn't see him enough, and when we did, he just never really gave us much guidance. He was sick. We didn't expect it, but we needed it.
Anyway, I'm sorry to chew your ear off, it just helps me to write it all out. I got my car today, and have realized so much in yet another 24 hours. I'm not a mess like I thought I would be when she told me she found a place. I know I have to stay strong and let her go. So, it's not so bad. I'm going to do me just like she's doing her. I must. Thank you all again. You have been so supportive and helpful. I know some lows are coming, but I'm ready. No time to waste, right?
I was very humble with my response, and didn't fight her. I told her that I think the world of her, and that I would help in any way I could with moving or whatever. I still hate this to death, but it's sinking in more and more that she just does not want to be with me, and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't even want anything. She's taking her clothes, and some basics. That's it. It's going to be simple and clean.
So, that really sucks. That being said, I'm ok and staying focused on myself. I'm really happy for her that she has found her independence and is moving towards the life she wants, whatever that may be. I truly hope she finds happiness, but I won't mind if one day she regrets not taking the chance to see the man I will become. I absolutely refuse to lose. Being brutally honest with myself, by the time I accomplish my goals, and I will... I don't know if I'm going to want her back anymore.
I have to learn to have some self-worth. I made some bad mistakes, but I can't take them back now, and I can't let them drag me down the way I brought her down. I'm my own worst enemy. I have to quit that. Nonetheless, the fact is that she isn't willing to see me through this. I have to stop caring so much about people who don't care enough about me. I don't blame her for one second, but even the prospect of me becoming a truly changed man doesn't excite her, and my hurdle now is to stop caring about her so much... Therein lies my biggest challenge. Not even sure how to do that. Emotions should come with an app and lots of options.
Really, the only thing that can cure me is time, I'm sure. Long, hard time. I'm going to be in a prison of sorts. But, I'm going to work hard, get good time served off my sentence, and go out and get what I deserve in this world. If my wife would have never betrayed me the first time, I know we'd have been an amazing couple. We were anyway at times, but nothing like we could have been. I really need a rock in my life. I need someone who won't betray me even once. I'll know how to avoid my anger issues and make much better choices regardless going forward, but I'm hoping for something optimal. Most importantly, I'm going to become the confident person I once was and then some. I'm going to be sure that I will make someone lucky to have me one day, and I'll be sure to remember how lucky I am to have them.
I hit a milestone today in my anger management. It's kind of crazy. 5 days ago or so, I started making my "anger ID map." If you don't know what that is, you start from the beginning of your life and try to make a timeline of significant events that caused your anger or triggered it. So, I did that, and had quite a lot of reflection about how my reaction only ever brought me more pain. The funny thing is though, I completely neglected something that should have been obvious to me. I honestly don't even know what triggered the thought, but I remembered something late last night that just came to my thoughts from nowhere, and I think that my behavior has been learned to some degree. The problem is, I learned it from the man I think most of in the world.. My dad.
My mother and father divorced when I was three years old. My mother cheated on my father. It was bitter at times between them. You can imagine, I have been sensitive about cheating and betrayal my whole life. I hate it. It's so pointless. Anyway, that's the first thing on my ID map. What I omitted from my map was something that I think I have kind of repressed over the years. I think I did that, because my dad is really the only person who never betrayed me in my life. The only one. I never wanted to think of him as being wrong or acting out of character without good reason. He was diagnosed with diabetes when he was 17 and robbed of his dream to go in the Air Force. He died when I was 24. He had it as bad as a diabetic can have it throughout his 30+ year struggle.
But here's the issue. My sister and I would go stay with my dad every other weekend. On occasion, my dad's mom would come over to visit with us. Instantly, my dad would become very angry. He was always so hateful towards her, if he would say a word at all. Often times, he would just sit there looking mad and completely ignore her. I never fully understood why he was like that. I asked a few times, but he didn't want to spoil our view of her. He never explained it to me at all. After he died, my uncle later told me that my grandmother was pretty much crazy while they were growing up. She apparently jumped out of a car moving at 50+ miles an hour because my dad and his brothers "didn't love her enough."
Long story short, my dad had a lot of unresolved anger issues. You wouldn't have known it.. He was a genuinely caring person until you crossed him. Once you did, he NEVER let go of a grudge. He disowned his best friend of 16 years, because he didn't show up to Thanksgiving dinner one year. He said he was coming, and then didn't come or call. That was it. They never spoke again. As much as I loved my dad, I'm realizing that he never really explained much of anything to me. I will always worship him, but I have to realize that I was set up to fail. It was a different world then, where dad's didn't have much responsibility to their kids in a divorce situation. He just kind of expected us to follow his examples, and we did, as long as we were with him. Disappointing him was like a knife right through your heart. We just didn't see him enough, and when we did, he just never really gave us much guidance. He was sick. We didn't expect it, but we needed it.
Anyway, I'm sorry to chew your ear off, it just helps me to write it all out. I got my car today, and have realized so much in yet another 24 hours. I'm not a mess like I thought I would be when she told me she found a place. I know I have to stay strong and let her go. So, it's not so bad. I'm going to do me just like she's doing her. I must. Thank you all again. You have been so supportive and helpful. I know some lows are coming, but I'm ready. No time to waste, right?