Confused and sad...or is it regret?

newlyseparated · 01-11-2012, 04:47 PM

Hi,

I just separated from my husband, we are now living in separate spaces. We've been married for 5.5 years, and got along really well for the most part. I realize now I let a lot of things slide (not blaming him totally as he's a great guy) such as his gambling problem, video game/marijuana addiction, lack of effort in the bedroom, never wanting to do anything, etc.

I just kind of bumbled along not really thinking about it. I did get angry with him on many occasions, as we literally went out or did stuff together once every couple of months. Or, when he didn't come to a family function because he was lazy I would make him feel bad about making me go on my own. However, after a big blowup things would calm down. We both worked alot too so I think we just got used to our own schedules.

Then I met another guy, we started texting and had plans to meet for a drink. Instant attraction - someone was paying me attention and actually wanted to do stuff with me, it really hit me how much I was missing from my husband. Meanwhile, my husband, sensing something was up, read through my texts and confronted me. While he was initially livid, he started talking about our marriage, how he had been treating me, etc.

However, I was suddenly aware that I hadn't really had a partner or much of a marriage for about two years. I felt like we were roommates, or that I was parenting him. I think I lost respect and affection for him and just gave up.

He really wants to work it out. He has given up pot, given up the video games, and is working out and eating better. Promises he'll put in the effort. I believe he does want to change, but I also feel like the damage is likely done. I'm not seeing the other guy or anything, so it's not a case of choosing my husband or another relationship. But it did make me aware of the spark and connection I could feel with someone.

Part of me is scared I am giving up what could be a wonderful relationship again with my husband (with work of course) because of fear, or weariness, or I don't know what. I'm not sure if we should attempt to live together again or take time apart. I know nobody can answer this but me, but just wondering if anyone has experienced something similar? Or can offer any advice?

Tonic · 01-11-2012, 07:05 PM

Hi Newlyseparated.
You have decisions to make, obviously.

I've just had a 2.5 year relationship end due to me not being sure about committing - i am thinking that perhaps i have made a mistake...

anyway, with you. you are still in your relationship. however, you have probably now got a trust issue in that you cannot trust whether you will get the desired outcome from your husband and even if that does occur, will it last etc.

you're now living apart? well, perhaps that will allow some perspective also? but that is hard because even though you're living apart you can still rely on the fact that he is there for you as a safety net which doesn't allow true reflection.

so you perhaps might like to try some time. see if you both can rebuild the trust that is now missing. if you can't rebuild the trust, then perhaps that means something is broken?

good luck

EleGirl · 01-11-2012, 07:42 PM

Since you are not sure, it might be best to give the marriage another try. Those good feelings can return given good times together.

While you are apart start counseling. Maybe go day by day for a while. Give it say 3 months before you agree to move back in... if you ready. just because you try, it does not mean that you are stuck in the marriage. YOu can leave at any time if you decide that the changes are not permanent and/or are not working.

synthetic · 01-12-2012, 02:56 AM

I'm astonished by how easily people forget about their vows. I've just had my heart broken by the love of my life who left me with a cold smile and this thread really got me angry.

Sorry "newlyseparate". Nothing against you since I don't know you, but what exactly did you think "Till death do us apart" means?

If you're being abused or he's cheating, that's different. Other than that, really, why do you feel marriage should be happy times, all the time? What have you done to make your marriage better?

I'm shedding tears while typing this. I'm so heartbroken I don't think I will ever love or trust anyone.

What a ****ty world we live in.

synthetic · 01-12-2012, 03:28 AM

If you love your husband: Go to your husband. Hold his hand. Kiss him and tell him you love him and want to make this marriage last a long time. Give him credit for every little thing he does. Make sure he knows you love him. He deserves every bit of it and yes it is solely your responsibility among all the people on this planet to make him feel loved.

Sounds like too much work? IT IS. That's what marriage is. Hard work. You signed a contract to do this hard work for him. Not temporarily but FOREVER.

Sounds even more frightening? IT IS. It's perfectly natural to have doubts or fears about spending the rest of your life doing all this work.

What's the point? Well, I don't wish it upon you, but if your husband breaks your heart and leaves you for another woman, you will understand the point, but then it's too late.

It always is.