It's just starting to sink in..WTF, the guy who never had time for the kids...son just turned 8yrs and daughter 2yrs.I am so worried for my children. H has Never and I mean Never made them something to eat, has never put them to bed couldn't be bothered to drive them to school (not even) when I was sick as a dog on my death bed with the flu in Sept.,no movies with us, does not know one of their friends/teachers/babysitters names! I guess you get my point. He always threatened me that if I ever left him he would go for FULL Custody and he is making good on that. We live a part (since end of Nov 2011)..I have sole Temp. custody. I was doing pretty great (actually) in the beginning. Lately, I feel a little bit like I am walking around in a dumbfounded daze uttering WTF?? and What a pig!!! Don't worry no kids around.
Luckily, I am over the heartbreak (hardest part) so I don't really have too many emotions tied up with this disaster with H, plenty of emotions as far as the kids are concerned! If I was only dealing with H on this and his lawyer, fine. Okay, along comes my STBXH's father (retired big wig Lawyer). Oh, dear. Have mercy on me! They have 2 separate Firms going after me..one for my H's Full Custody Petition other Firm for Grandparent's rights. First, my other thread goes into just what a guy my H is and all of his,well not all, of his disgusting addictions. Let's just say not exactly winning "Dad of the Year" anytime soon. Still, this is freakin scary. I'm not declaring myself a Saint but, I've almost had be one since we had children..He was always threatening to take them. I LOVE my kids and am highly involved with them. I am on the Board of the PTA, ran our church auction for the last 3yrs took my son on a Disney Cruise (alone, H refused to go at the last minute).I know BLah, blah, blah. I have been reading my H's emails lately (told you I'm not a saint) and the way that they are trying to build this case against me...Constantly, saying that I am keeping kids from them I am Not. My STBXH refuses to tell me when he wants to see them and at the last minute tells me..all His emails are either written by his Father and even his Mother and signed as if from H...H is 44yrs old!H is not the one trying to set me up H would not notice not seeing his kids for months. H likes the "idea" of Full Custody so he won't have to pay child support and to hurt me. H has no idea what it really takes on a daily basis to raise children. Who am I kidding? He would just drop them off at his parent's house. Grow up! They all show up in court while I am just there with my atty. Making me physically ill. Anybody, advice for the whole Full Custody attack?
LOL! Yes, I got one!
I am new to TAM and have been reading everyone's threads. It's been an oddly hopeful experience. Reading so many of the great dad's stories. I was crying earlier reading how one Dad missed his kids so much, one dad goes over for dinner 3x a week, etc.. Maybe, it could end up being a good thing. I only mean that my stbxh had to take them last Sat. They ended up getting Pizza and seeing a movie. They left the movie after about 30min because of our 2yr old. But, I was so happy that they were spending time together. Of course, I would have died to get to do something like that when we were actually together instead of always going alone. But, I just thought about our 8yr old son getting to know his Dad. I hope that lasts.
So you started out with full temporary custody. Why? Did he get visitation? How did you get full temporary custody?
I’m going to tell you some of the things that I did that helped me in my custody fight with my ex a few years back. My ex is an MD. He had a team of 4 attorneys. I had 1. I was pushing for 50/50 custody. I ended up with 60/40.
First keep in mind that most states prefer 50/50 legal and physical custody. They want both parents involved in children’s lives. Children need both parents. Unless you have something really strong against your husband.. like he’s a flaming drug addict, you are not getting 100%. And he’s not getting 100% either unless he can prove that you are a drug addict, mass murderer who eats puppies and kittens for breakfast.
Communicate with your husband only via email for setting up visitation. Then you have a record to show what did/did not happen. Even if he calls you can makes arrangements on the phone, refusing to communicate only via email, follow it up with an email saying “Per our phone conversation at 5:45 tonight, we agreed that you would pick up the children at 9am Saturday…. And return them …. “.
Print out every one of the emails so that you have a paper and electronic copy.
Also, how are you getting into his email? Does he know that you have access? Is it the same password that he had before he left?
Have your attorney ask the court to stipulate a custody evaluation. Your attorney should know who does these in your area.
When I did this, we both submitted two names of possible evaluators to the court. I really wanted was a place called “Father’s and Family”. The had a male/female team that did the evaluations. I wanted to be fair to my husband but at the same time look out for our child’s welfare. After several sessions evaluating both me and my husband together and apart; and after also talking with our son; they suggested that my husband have less time with our son then I was originally suggesting. And he had to go to counseling for 1 year with our son before he could get 1 more day a week.
They were good. They caught on very quickly that my husband was a emotionally abusive, angry person. They understood that he did not relate well to our son. So they, not me, made him go to counseling.
I am so happy that you responded! I stayed up for hours last night reading tons of threads and replies. I even wrote down in detail several of your replies to various people. Maybe, you are an Atty?
Anyway, I am not sure if you read my other thread "Seriously, Out of the Dark" that gives a tiny background.
I live in a very small place and our laws are similiar to Florida's. We are progressing but, still a bit of a throw back to the 50's.
Apx. 4yrs ago my husband and I got separated and were in the midst of a brutal divorce. I got a restraining order against him and the Judge ordered the max 2yr order. I had just started my own business and we had one child then. Back then my heart was shattered and I was crying everyday many of the situations that I have read are similar in emotion. Okay about 8 months passed and to my incredible embarrassment (now) I got back together with him. We had our 2nd child a sweet beautiful baby girl. H had made many promises. Long story short, he stayed out all night wrecked my car gave me a very lame excuse about being at a bar. I asked him to leave and that time he actually did leave...he joined AA and we went to MC AGAIN! That sweet H was coming back..he moved back in to our hse and he wasn't going to AA he always said he was to busy, he could do it on his own..I never saw him drink but, found cocaine in his pant pockets. We had a death in the family (my 21yr old nephew) in the Spring of 2011. I went to the States for about 2 weeks with our baby girl to help with the arrangements. H refused to go, picked horrible fights over the phone, was mad that I was gone. I came home and beer bottles and Rum were in the Kitchen. I also had a big feeling that a woman had been there because H sent our son to the grandparents the whole time. Okay, I know that this is a looooong story sorry. We also have a very busy company together. Life just sort of takes over when you let it. I was always saying to myself okay, after we go to so and so's wedding I'll leave him or if he could just be nice tomorrow and i guess sleep deprived from the baby, etc..
Anyway, Sept 2011 I was overworked and working at my kids' school the IRS started sending me horrible letters in my maiden name basically stating that I hadn't pd taxes in 9yrs! I called our CPA and asked my H to help me figure this out..My H and his laywer father had been falsely showing phoney tax returns (that is a whole other part and I am filing an innocent spouse claim with the IRS now)..By Nov 2011 my H was pretty much out of control I asked him repeatedly and nicely to just move out for a week or so he went crazy everytime. Final straw was he broke our son's arm and wouldn't let me take him to the hospital.. there is more to it and just to painful..I called the police and got a TRO (temp restraining order). We went to court in Dec. 2011 and we mediated the deal I have Temp Legal Custody and H can not set foot on the property H has to have random drug testing and for the first 2 weeks only supervised visitation...That is why I am insensed over the whole filing Full Custody BS!! His family is from here and $$ involved. It's sick. I don't even know a great stay at home Dad that would file full custody!
Out of the Dark,
Yes I did read your other posts. So I have a pretty good background now on your situation.
I sounds like you have been doing the right things all around. With your husband’s issues, getting an independent custody evaluation would be a very good idea. Your children need to be protected from their out of control father. But you know this already.
His filing for full custody is a pretty normal ploy. It’s a way to punish and to try to avoid child support. But it’s not working much these days. I hope that where you live they see it the same way. It sounds like they are from the things you have said so far.
I was going to suggest that you have your attorney ask for the necessary paperwork to get the real tax returns from the IRS .But now it sounds like the IRS doesn’t have them. What on earth were he and his father thinking not filing taxes for all those years? Not smart at all. I suppose the IRS is falling on him pretty hard now.
This type of custody fight is such a waste… waste of energy and money. Basically my ex and I spent enough to put our son through college. I agreed to 50/50 custody… but he wanted 100%. Again he was the parent who was minimally involved. But suddenly he thought that our son would not survive if he had me for a mother? See I was ok all the years we were together to be the primary care giver. And in the end, my ex ended up with less than I was willing to agree to for custody. So why exactly did he cause this horrible fight and loss of money? And that does not even start to address the toll it took on our son. He was very traumatized by the whole thing for a long time.
My son was in 2nd grade when we got our divorce. He turns 23 tomorrow and is in college working on a degree in physics and engineering. So in the end he is doing well. But there were many hard years for him.
Protect your children. I know you are. You sound like a strong woman so I think you will do alright and they will too with you fighting for them.
My son is also in second grade. I told my Atty I want it as low impact on the kids as possible. No, the IRS is not coming down hard on H and Father...yet.
Oh, the email and password are the same as when we were together. H gave me password a while ago to give a client a quote.
Probably just forgot he gave or thinks I'm to stupid to remember.
Glad to hear your son is doing well.
He served me with Divorce papers right before the TRO hearing to get out of paying me anything monthly.
We have 20 days to respond.
Then back to court to ask for APL.
Must get kids ready for school.
Thank you for all of the advice...really helps!