The tables turn.. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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The tables turn..

Well, a lot of you were right. A friendship isn't going to work for my wife and me. I was really prepared for it, as long as she was considerate, but then something happened yesterday that leads me to believe that will never be the case. We had gotten to a fairly good place all considered. She text me and asked me if I wanted to go half on the divorce. Bare in mind, she left two weeks ago today. My son will arrive for his visit in a week. We talked it over a bit, and then I realized she's ready to proceed with the divorce this week! I thought without any doubt that she would at least let me get through this visit with him before putting me through the motions.

I thought about it for hours. I tried to put myself in her place with this before reaching any conclusions. She told me she has no interest in being in a relationship anytime soon, so a slightly longer separation couldn't hurt anything while I work though this and try to stay strong for my son.

So, I told her that leaving should be punishment enough, and if she wants out so fast, so bad, then just do it. I told her to do it as soon as possible. I told her I'd be cordial to her for my son, but that I didn't want to be friends just to torture myself. I want to make it as easy on her as possible, but that works both ways, and I just think this was wrong.

I am angry, but I'm proud to say that I am managing it well. I respectfully and tactfully made my case and felt better after without any need to rage in order to get that relief. I think leaving should be punishment enough. I was terrible a lot of the time, but I was good to her too. I gave her the child she could never have, and that alone should be worth at least a little more consideration. Suddenly, it makes me wonder just what it all ever really meant to her and if she ever really did want me.

So, a friendship is not going to work for me and my wife, I'm afraid. I am glad that I was mature enough to be willing to try. I wouldn't discourage others from trying. I wish it could have worked for us, but this is just a little too deep for me. Both of her previous marriages lasted around 1 year. Her divorces took longer than that! We were together for 11 years, married for almost 6, and she's trying to get us divorced in three weeks. I can no longer believe that someone who could not have any more respect than that in leaving could be the one for me either. I hate it, but there's my sign. Now you can say.. "I told you so." I still feel better for having tried. I hope others have better luck than me.

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post #2 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: The tables turn..

I thought you didn't have children together.

Am i mistaken?
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post #3 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: The tables turn..

You were number three. You lasted 11 years with her?

The others? Lasted one year.

Were the other suckers smarter than you? No, they were more realistic and more independent. They shook her off quicker. Their skin was thicker, her barbs did not "set" in as far with them.

Yes, she told you she dumped them, they were abusive, toxic, but now you know the truth. From her 30% is truth, the rest being fabricated truth.

What is the truth? She deserves to be alone. No man...save a desparate FWB sort of man.

Any women can be taken in small bites. Yes, they can. Just do not swallow.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #4 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The tables turn..

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I thought you didn't have children together.

Am i mistaken?
I have a 14 year old son from a previous marriage. He's an amazing kid, and they are very close. She has been more of a mother to him than his own at times. They will remain in contact and stay close at his discretion.
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post #5 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The tables turn..

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
You were number three. You lasted 11 years with her?

The others? Lasted one year.

Were the other suckers smarter than you? No, they were more realistic and more independent. They shook her off quicker. Their skin was thicker, her barbs did not "set" in as far with them.

Yes, she told you she dumped them, they were abusive, toxic, but now you know the truth. From her 30% is truth, the rest being fabricated truth.

What is the truth? She deserves to be alone. No man...save a desparate FWB sort of man.

Any women can be taken in small bites. Yes, they can. Just do not swallow.
You're probably right about that comparison and your assessment of me, but maybe a little harsh. I think I have thrown myself on the sword enough for my mistakes, but I won't forget them. It's @**holes like me who help to make women that way. We're all responsible for ourselves, but we're all humans who can benefit from a two way street. I don't think anyone deserves to be alone. I wish her the best, and I hope she figures out how to deal with her issues too and finds someone that makes it easier for her. I will find someone who won't betray me and trigger my anger.
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post #6 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:15 AM
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Re: The tables turn..

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Originally Posted by lost_without_her View Post
Well, a lot of you were right. A friendship isn't going to work for my wife and me. I was really prepared for it, as long as she was considerate, but then something happened yesterday that leads me to believe that will never be the case. We had gotten to a fairly good place all considered. She text me and asked me if I wanted to go half on the divorce. Bare in mind, she left two weeks ago today. My son will arrive for his visit in a week. We talked it over a bit, and then I realized she's ready to proceed with the divorce this week! I thought without any doubt that she would at least let me get through this visit with him before putting me through the motions.

I thought about it for hours. I tried to put myself in her place with this before reaching any conclusions. She told me she has no interest in being in a relationship anytime soon, so a slightly longer separation couldn't hurt anything while I work though this and try to stay strong for my son.

So, I told her that leaving should be punishment enough, and if she wants out so fast, so bad, then just do it. I told her to do it as soon as possible. I told her I'd be cordial to her for my son, but that I didn't want to be friends just to torture myself. I want to make it as easy on her as possible, but that works both ways, and I just think this was wrong.

I am angry, but I'm proud to say that I am managing it well. I respectfully and tactfully made my case and felt better after without any need to rage in order to get that relief. I think leaving should be punishment enough. I was terrible a lot of the time, but I was good to her too. I gave her the child she could never have, and that alone should be worth at least a little more consideration. Suddenly, it makes me wonder just what it all ever really meant to her and if she ever really did want me.

So, a friendship is not going to work for me and my wife, I'm afraid. I am glad that I was mature enough to be willing to try. I wouldn't discourage others from trying. I wish it could have worked for us, but this is just a little too deep for me. Both of her previous marriages lasted around 1 year. Her divorces took longer than that! We were together for 11 years, married for almost 6, and she's trying to get us divorced in three weeks. I can no longer believe that someone who could not have any more respect than that in leaving could be the one for me either. I hate it, but there's my sign. Now you can say.. "I told you so." I still feel better for having tried. I hope others have better luck than me.
Better get a lawyer and protect yourself.
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post #7 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: The tables turn..

Quote:
Originally Posted by lost_without_her View Post
Well, a lot of you were right. A friendship isn't going to work for my wife and me. I was really prepared for it, as long as she was considerate, but then something happened yesterday that leads me to believe that will never be the case. We had gotten to a fairly good place all considered. She text me and asked me if I wanted to go half on the divorce. Bare in mind, she left two weeks ago today. My son will arrive for his visit in a week. We talked it over a bit, and then I realized she's ready to proceed with the divorce this week! I thought without any doubt that she would at least let me get through this visit with him before putting me through the motions.

I thought about it for hours. I tried to put myself in her place with this before reaching any conclusions. She told me she has no interest in being in a relationship anytime soon, so a slightly longer separation couldn't hurt anything while I work though this and try to stay strong for my son.

So, I told her that leaving should be punishment enough, and if she wants out so fast, so bad, then just do it. I told her to do it as soon as possible. I told her I'd be cordial to her for my son, but that I didn't want to be friends just to torture myself. I want to make it as easy on her as possible, but that works both ways, and I just think this was wrong.

I am angry, but I'm proud to say that I am managing it well. I respectfully and tactfully made my case and felt better after without any need to rage in order to get that relief. I think leaving should be punishment enough. I was terrible a lot of the time, but I was good to her too. I gave her the child she could never have, and that alone should be worth at least a little more consideration. Suddenly, it makes me wonder just what it all ever really meant to her and if she ever really did want me.

So, a friendship is not going to work for me and my wife, I'm afraid. I am glad that I was mature enough to be willing to try. I wouldn't discourage others from trying. I wish it could have worked for us, but this is just a little too deep for me. Both of her previous marriages lasted around 1 year. Her divorces took longer than that! We were together for 11 years, married for almost 6, and she's trying to get us divorced in three weeks. I can no longer believe that someone who could not have any more respect than that in leaving could be the one for me either. I hate it, but there's my sign. Now you can say.. "I told you so." I still feel better for having tried. I hope others have better luck than me.
It is rough, I have done the many up and downs and back and forth, the emotions strain is huge especially when you really want to do the right thing and you just can't get through to them but like you say she is not the one for you, it is tough to accept I know as not sure where I am at currently with it, acceptance/denial can almost look the same at times.

The fast Divorce is doing you a huge favor try and accept the gift and get the best settlement you can.

Suddenly, it makes me wonder just what it all ever really meant to her and if she ever really did want me. I have this same thought and its a struggle at times but you just have to keep the mindset of it is not a reflection of you it is a reflection of her, I love my W with everything I had I was 1000% committed and she cast me out like I was nothing, even had the nerve to tell me in casual conversation she has wasted 8% of her life being unhappy with me she got that precise in telling me how little i meant while still being friendly LOL.

Trust me not a single person on here wants to say 'I told you so', all you will get are tough truths, support, advice and encouragement. We all wish you the best and keep posting here to vent, unload and share your progress.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #8 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:21 PM
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Re: The tables turn..


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #9 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: The tables turn..

Apparently you're entering the anger stage of your grief.

Look, you're actually doing DAMN GOOD!!! You don't see it yet.
Keep progressing.

GUESS WHAT???? Every single person on this planet at present can be a complete ******* if our buttons are pushed. As you go through this, the stages of grief we all see, you're going to realize that this person was with you for 11 years. SHe knew exactly what buttons to push. She knew exactly what hurt you most. AND BY GOD she will use that against you in the divorce.

You can't be friends with her NOW. But you might in the future. For what reason? Kids? That's a good reason. But you will likely be so indifferent to her in the end, she will be more of an aquaintance than a friend. The truth is, you likely don't need friends like her.

We are all hating to see you have to go through this, but are here to talk if you need it. We all know how soul crushing and life changing this kind of thing is. The pain is more than some people can withstand. If you're out of good stock, you should be fine. I think by what I've read, you WILL be fine. But now is the time to lean on friends a little. THat's what they're there for. Pick a couple that are super close. Nobody really wants to hear the broken record of your divorce over and over.

We are hear, a good sounding board I think. It's helped me a lot.
Good luck,
Keep paddling.
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post #10 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: The tables turn..

She's probably talking marriage already with the boyfriend. She needs the divorce stamped pronto so she can go off to Hawaii and marry the man of her dreams.

You can use this to your advantage. Don't offer her 50%. Try 30% and promise her a quick and non-contested divorce. Tell her you know about the guy she's been cheating with, your PI has all of the evidence. See if she calls your bluff. I bet she folds.

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post #11 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: The tables turn..

Quote:
Originally Posted by lost_without_her View Post
You're probably right about that comparison and your assessment of me, but maybe a little harsh. I think I have thrown myself on the sword enough for my mistakes, but I won't forget them. It's @**holes like me who help to make women that way. We're all responsible for ourselves, but we're all humans who can benefit from a two way street. I don't think anyone deserves to be alone. I wish her the best, and I hope she figures out how to deal with her issues too and finds someone that makes it easier for her. I will find someone who won't betray me and trigger my anger.
OP,
I believe that you may be taking more credit than is your due. Were the two men before you *******s as well? Perhaps you were just more tolerant of her than most would be. You withstood more than they. I do not partake in games of random chance but if I were to gamble I would place a rather substantial wager on her already having someone in the wings so the faster she gets you gone the faster she can find true love. You are much better off whether you see that now or not.

Peace and long life
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post #12 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The tables turn..

I don't know if I'm taking too much credit. I really was bad. I just know that everyone has their limits. She did tend to push my buttons, but always with a smile and a friendly demeanor. She was always good at being innocent. Never very good at being honest about much of anything. I had been hung up on the fact that she told me how bad she wanted to just start over during our initial fight. I couldn't see how that could be erased in a day or even a couple of weeks. I knew it had to have been on her mind much longer than she has admitted. She finally told me yesterday that anytime she said that was only because she was just so afraid to be alone, and now she isn't. My anger was out of control and unfair, but her being dishonest and taking advantage didn't help. I told her I was taking myself off the chopping block. Thank you all for your support, tough love, and encouragement. Knowing her as well as I do, I think there probably is someone waiting in the wings. So much would make sense with that, but I don't really care. Fortunately, she doesn't want anything. We have a very small amount of mutual debt to settle, and she doesn't want to take anything away that will impact my son. She's taking no furniture, and nothing big. Just some basics. The divorce will be simple. I'm grateful for that. Thanks again all.
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post #13 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: The tables turn..

I would put in your marriage settlement agreement that if the WW is with another man, then you get full custody of your son. Protect your child from the other man.
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post #14 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: The tables turn..

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I would put in your marriage settlement agreement that if the WW is with another man, then you get full custody of your son. Protect your child from the other man.
Might want to read his posts.

They have no kids together..... the son is his.

She has no rights to him..... and he's 14 so even if she did he's old enough to speak.
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post #15 of 68 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: The tables turn..

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Knowing her as well as I do, I think there probably is someone waiting in the wings.
For me that is a good thing...it is.

I hate it when a women hangs a hand written sign on her front, A sign written displaying an arrow pointing down.

A sign tied off just below the waist that says "Out of Service".

Once you stop oiling them things they are hard to re-start.

They seize up. They get corroded.

Once that happens, even the best spark plugs will not turn that furry thing over and start it up [and down].

You then need to squirt ethyl ether [Starting Gas] into the lips of her carburetor opening when she is sleeping.

When doing so, play her favorite love song just when the ether enters her ether-or opening.

Just sayin'

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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