My Mixed Bag of Emotion
You good people have always been wise and supportive, so I am just putting a few thoughts down. Quick situation, married 10 years, together 13. Summer 2014 we separated, Autumn (Fall) 2014 we reconciled and 7 weeks ago (after 18 months) separated again, it didnít work. I wonít go into full details but I have posts of things at the time on here should you feel necessary.
Anyway to the point and me. I am in a far better place now, it is just me and my daughter, we live comfortably, I have no contact with my ex (my daughter is step daughter to her, so no issues there neither) live a long way from each other and are getting on with our lives. From what I have gathered she has picked up very quickly with a guy that has been hovering in the wings for some time (see other posts on that one). I have a good circle of friends, most of whom are at work so working life is also good, I am out and about at the gym 3 or 4 times a week, socially and getting myself fit (at the gym I have been doing for 18 months now but recently since the split have been doing it social ie with friends as opposed to on my own and the difference is already showing in terms of my fitness).
So what is it, well, it is the ups and downs, I am aware this is probably quite normal, but boy I feel them at times. I can go from euphoric and buzzing to so wound up and down so very quickly. I feel on top of the world and then feel it is on top of me, the worst of which is frustration and short on being patient, patience for things I want to happen or do. I also have these pangs of guilt, guilt that I have let my wife down, I have not played my part, have not supported her. I donít regret the split, no I donít but I feel some guilt, which gives me some anguish and I lose myself a little. She has moved on (strongly suspected but not 100% confirmed) and I donít feel jealous or anger, but occasionally it is that thought of missing out on something, and it kind of hits me a little. I know I have a number of years to unravel, those years of being made to feel guilty by someone else, living only for someone else, but until that is totally unravelled there are some raw patches.
Then there are my frustrations, I am attracted to a girl, but I know she is not towards me, and that frustrates me, what is wrong with me, is it never going to happen for me again? I miss the intimacy, the physical contact and at times crave for it badly, which adds to the frustration, but I know I do not want, nor am I ready for a relationship or someone else in my life, and that can be confusing, I know that I donít need to be worrying if I am going to meet someone again or not, I need to be me first, and all good things happen in good time.
I am finding myself more each day, I am in a good place, a better frame of mind, enjoy my life, financially stable, fitter,have my daughter and have a great relationship with her (she is 16 now), friends and building a new found social life, but still trying to avoid the pitfalls of the darker periods, emotions and feelings, so I just wanted to put this down, it helps me and just see how others are doing and getting along and how you deal with things?
Thanks for reading