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Old 01-14-2012, 03:29 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Rumple - many people get depressed and in the place you are because they convince themselves that the bad choices they made in the past mean they can't have a good future.

But that's not at all true.

The future can be very very good, and you can make it that way.

The problem you face right now is that your wife has pushed and emotionally abused you to the point that you feel that you are powerless. You sort of stumbled along like this, thinking this was your lot in life, until she started cheating.

Now you fell violated, lied to, and stolen from. You gave up all that including your hope to her, and in return she's decided she can have an affair.

Well time to stand up and realize that not only is what she is doing and has been doing completely in the wrong, but YOU are able to decide not to keep participating.

Take small steps at first, get your footing, and then larger steps. Steps that take you from where she has forced you to be, to where you want to be.

Guess what - you make good money! There are lots of good available women out there, and a guy with money has an even better shot at them.

This other guy has got her - ok -let's think about that. Think about the kind of woman she's been, what her idea of a relationship with a man is like. It's awful. You know it's awful, you've lived with it. You've lived with no sex, sleeping by yourself in another bed, while she bosses you around and spends your money.

Time sir for you to boot her out, and to upgrade big time. This other bloke, boy he has no idea the awful deal he's getting. You've got the chance to trade in the clunker with a bad engine, bad tires, bad everything, and this moron is willing to buy it. Hah, the jokes on him. She may be good in the show room, but you know what she's really like on the road.
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Old 01-14-2012, 03:54 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Well I cant kick her out the house is in joint names shes is entitled to be here - she says shes putting the house up for sale on Monday. It is a very large house and inthis market I think it will take a year to sell.

I'm living through hell.

It's easy to say this guy is gonna end up with a tramp but he is getting a woman 8 years younger than him, she is stunningly beautiful, looks half her age, dresses well is slim and sexy. She is liked by everyone.
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Old 01-14-2012, 04:06 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Well, she isn't liked by me. She's a cheater.
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Old 01-14-2012, 05:03 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

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Originally Posted by rumple9 View Post
yeh I'm ok just very sad and heartbroken - been to see the doctor and he's given me anti-depressants.

Ive been begging her and pleading with her to try and sort it out or goto counselling but she just doesnt want to know and says its over and can't be fixed.

Well its saturday night and she went out and said she was going to her mothers for an hour - that was 5 hours ago so shes obviously out with him. My daughter is sat here crying because her mum won't answer her calls to come home.
Good going. It will take a couple of weeks but you will get to feeling more like you can handle things.

Is there one friend who you can confide in? It would be so helpful. Everyone will know soon so you may as well start reaching out. Go meet your friend for dinner or whatever you do. And let her watch your children. Don't tell her where you are going or who you are going to meet. Let her wonder for a change.

Also, have you told family of her affair yet? It is important to expose the affair.
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Old 01-14-2012, 07:34 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Well thats the problem - I have no friends (never really needed any) I have invested all my time in her - I'm not particurlarly a sociable person. I have no family either other than my elderly mother who is in bad health. I have told close colleagues at work who I am friendly with who can confide in but they just tell me to get a grip, man up and move on - easier said than done.

When she goes I have no one.

She has unashamedly told all her friends and family that she is leaving me and is seeing someone else and all her "poisonous friends" are coming out of the woodwork telling her she's doing the right thing, so she's empowered.

For example I can remeber her sister coming up to see us a few years ago gushing about how wonderful I was and OH was so lucky to have me. Since all this happened she has spoken with her sister who said she had never liked me from day one !

All I have at the moment is my 12 year old daughter and she is so close to her mum I'm starting to upset her too.
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Old 01-17-2012, 01:05 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Come on rumple. Be a man. Don't let this woman treat you this way it's totally unacceptable. She's walking all over you. Come on man, I know it's heartbreaking but get some self respect back and stand up to her. She's treating you like this because you are letting her. She has no respect for you. She thinks she can do what she wants. Show her she can't. Stop begging her and tell her to go. Even if she won't you need to stand up for yourself and stop letting her treat you this way.
Is OM married? Tell his W, tell his family, spoil it for them. Come on you can do it.
For 12 years she has treated you like a room mate, it's time to STOP!!!
Come on. You Can do it!!!
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Old 01-17-2012, 07:13 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Well it seems shes done the 180 on me - she wont speak to me wont look at me and says the only thing she will discuss is me moving out of the houseimmediately and sale of the house. She keeps threatening that if I don't move out she will but she's been saying this three weeks now and she's still here. She also says she will come and go as she pleases , see her "boyfriend" when she wants and doesn't have to answer to me for anything.
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Old 01-17-2012, 09:56 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Again, why haven't you cut off her access to money, packed her bags, exposed her cheating?

I'm beginning to wonder if you are real since you don't actually take any advice and only give more examples of the horride actions she takes.
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Old 01-17-2012, 10:48 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

I'm so glad you have seen the doctor--step 1. Are you exercising? That has to be step 2. You need it for so many reasons. Keep checking in here and you will find advice--some good, some bad, some worth considering that you will eventually discard. That's ok.

Although you believe right now that this woman is essential to your happiness, she isn't. All you need for happiness is to be satisfied with yourself--to accept yourself for who you are. Please consider counseling so you can get to this point, and then you will never feel so emotionally dependent again.

Also, make a vow to yourself right now that you will improve your relationship with your daughter, no matter what it takes. The first thing you can do is to stop anything that reflects negatively on her mom--that will always hurt her, whether she "sides" with her mom or with you. No matter what you think right now (and your thinking can be skewed by depression), you are her dad and she will always love you. Commit right now to doing right by her--letting her love both parents and letting her be free of the conflict between you. Start building a stronger relationship by small steps--add 15 minutes/day to the time you spend with her, for example. Focus only on her, and even if she seems unresponsive or hostile, just let her know you are interested in her ideas, interests and thoughts, and that she is now and always will be more important to you than anyone else. If she asks about you and her mom, just tell her gently that is something you grownups have to work out, and you will always be there for her. Make sure she knows she will always have a parent to look after her and it isn't her fault. Kids think this even if they don't say it. Add a few minutes to the time you hange out with her every day, even if it is just sitting with her in a quiet room or reading together--again, small things (maybe cook together). Once you are both comfortable in small time periods, start taking her on outings for the two of you to enjoy together. If you are already at that point, start doing it even more--even if it means really painful things, like having to pick her up at "his" place. Just don't go in. Really focus on your daughter. No matter how much she complains or fights with you about this, keep doing it. It may take years for her to finally get over her resistance to all this change (which she may take out on you), but when she does--she will come to realize what a good man you are for having stood by her all this time, through all the difficult years. You will reap rewards endlessly when she is older. I had to fight tooth and nail with my elder son in his teen years--just a difficult kid--and it was exhausting but we have such an amazing relationship now, I could just cry with joy and gratitude. Trust me, your time invested will not go unrewarded.

So: meds, exercise, daughter. That's enough for now. Good luck.
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Old 01-17-2012, 10:51 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

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Well it seems shes done the 180 on me - she wont speak to me wont look at me and says the only thing she will discuss is me moving out of the houseimmediately and sale of the house. She keeps threatening that if I don't move out she will but she's been saying this three weeks now and she's still here. She also says she will come and go as she pleases , see her "boyfriend" when she wants and doesn't have to answer to me for anything.
If both your names are on the house, the decision to sell it must have both parties agreement, right? So if that is what she wants and you don't, you can put a real stopper on that. Make her jump through all the hoops. As has already been said, if you are the big earner, cut her cash flow off. Number one thing, look after your daughter. If you feel you are not as close to her as your wife...get close. Play your wife at her own game...if you are not sociable and don't want to date....no problem with that at all, but get your own 'me's time and do whatever you want with it. If she wont talk to you in the house..no problem....treat her like she doesn't exist either. If she is truly as self centered as you say, that should get her attention at least.
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:24 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

She is the cheater. She is doing wrong.
She does NOT get to put YOU out.
I don't know about England, but in the states, if you leave the home, she can get YOU for abandonment, even if she talked you into going. And then you will lose your edge in custody. Dig in your damn heels.

You will be happy again. This is the very Valley Of Darkness itself. You are not alone, you are not wrong, but you are being wronged. And that will continue exactly as long as you allow it. Nip it.
I had (have) my dark days, but I'm still alive. I can't let him win--all he wants is me to "disappear" so he can have the kids, his girlfriend, and his folks' subsidizing his lifestyle. But those are MY kids. This is MY life. I don't need him, or anyone else in my bed for that matter, who doesn't treat me like a person.

Time to get angry, bud. Takes 2 to marry, takes one to leave. Not your fault, but it doesn't have to be you who gets pissed on, either.

Hang in and keep posting. We're here.
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:40 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

So big argument tonight after days not speaking. She's still going on about how she wants me to move out. I said I will do anything to get us back together but iI'm not moving out as she has done wrong.

She says she has no feelings for me and keeps going on about her new fella and how much she loves him. She says she's done nothing wrong as we are now finished and she's rubbing my nose in it. Our daughter was crying. She is being so selfish and acting so out of character - I've never seen her like this in the 21 years we've been together. She told me she saw her new fella last night after work and they had sex - this cannot be true because she was home by the time I got home and we both finish at the same time.

I really fear for her mental health and I think she's going through some sort of mid-life crisis. I've told her anything that's broken can be fixed but she doesn't want to know or even try.

Also if she loves this man so much like she says she does why doesnt't she just move in with him? He's divorced and has his own house.

My life is falling apart.
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Old 01-19-2012, 08:14 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Sorry you are hurting. You REALLY need to implement these rules:

180 Rules
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:30 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Rumple I have been there,in this exact hell.
not sleeping ,not eating ,not drinking,losing so much weight that i looked like i just got back from survivor,thinking my life is over,not wanting to live,thinking of him24/7,constant anxiety ...All of it...I know that pain.
BUT he left me with a 6 month old baby and 5 yrs old .I had to care for them all alone while feeling like that...it was a pure agony.

I just loved him so much,ready to forgive anything...I was ready to do anything possible so he stays with me...and I did.I did crazy things,things that were really extreme,like begging the other woman to leave him,following him around town to see where he is going..and other crazy things.

My ex is 4yrs younger than me ,extremely attractive,great body,face ,teeth, hair,beautiful blue eyes..lol sorry but just wanted to point this out to you as I see it's important to you and also wanted to let you know that for months I believed I will never be attracted to another guy...there was just no way I would ever be.I was married to him for 10 years and I have never been attracted to another person,it was like when I see him he would take my breath away,in our case we had an amazing sex life,even the day he left me we had sex .
The thoughts of him being with another woman almost killed me and she is 11 years younger than me.Talk about hit on my self esteem.
My ex was not only attractive but was a nice genuine person,very supportive in any way...just a great guy.

The day he left me he turned into this extremely nasty person ,I have never seen him like that.it was awful to see this and as you said i would have preferred him dying then me seeing this.

Well just wanted to let you know that when I finally started moving on I started finding other man attractive,it was amazing.You start looking back into your marriage and as much as I convinced things were great,I could finally see they were not at all.Could they have been fixed...sure ...but he decided to take the easy way out.

Life will go on for you ,you will find other women attractive and her beauty is not everything to a relationship,she doesn't have inner beauty ..you can't see this now but you will.You will grieve for months and i'm so sorry because this is going to be hell for you but you WILL get to the other side and you will see beautiful things.You have a great job,you are still young and will find another partner,someone that will respect you and love you and want you physically and any other way.
Please do not chase her anymore,i did this and is never going to work,let her face reality and if it's meant she might come back to you but you have to let her go NOW.Take care of you ,become this sexy guy that she married years ago,be confident ,be businessy like with her.She will notice ..believe me..I did that and ex noticed at one point.
Be strong for your kid!
Soon your ex will not look as pretty to you to the point where you ask yourself why did you put up with all this for so long.

Im sorry ,you might think that I don't get it that you love her too much but I assure you I am telling you all this because I know.
Please try to eat and now if you're taking meds go to the store and buy Keffir ,they have it at organic milk sections,full with good life cultures and good fat...it'll keep you going.This thing saved me.
hugs and be strong
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Old 01-20-2012, 08:33 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Well found some letters and she's up to her eyes in debt - been sued all over the place and theres a letter from November saying the bailiffs are coming in to take all our stuff which is the same time she started this affair.

No wonder she is so deaperate to get me to put the house up for sale.

What the heck do I do now? I haven't confronted her about this yet as she's still not speaking other than to say she loves this other man, she wants to me to move out and the house has to be sold.
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