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Old 01-20-2012, 08:43 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Rumple, it sounds like she wants you out of the house to sell it fast and so that when the bailiffs come you are not there to see it.

I suppose her debt is your debt, so now you have even more problems on your hands.

Will they take the house away from you for the equity? Or is the equity needed to pay the debt.

You say that you do not think she's telling the truth about going out with OM last night (or the other night). Are you even sure that he exists? Or is this a story she's made up to hide her debt?
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Old 01-20-2012, 09:49 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

No he definately exists because of the text messages I've seen she sent to him. I'm now guessing the affair is a knee jerk reaction to her desperate debt problem.
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Old 01-21-2012, 10:24 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

So is this OM going to be paying off her half of the debt?

She's been spending like crazy and when it all caught up to her, she ran away into her fantasy to escape.

Time to expose all for everyone to see. Her debt, her issues,her cheating,
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Old 01-21-2012, 02:31 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

I agree with exposing, about the debt as well. She is running from reality. And she needs reality to settle in on her, her afair and the financial mess she has created.

One of the best ways to end an affair is to put all the pressure of real life on it. Why not suggest to her that she move in with the other man. With her putting that pressure on him, as a signle guy he probably is not ready for her to move in and completely invade his life. If she does move in.. he will most likely be sending her packing within a short time. Most affairs to do not survive the partner's living together very long. (just and idea for you to think about.)

Have you exposed to her that you know about the debt yet?

Legally, is her debt considered community debt?
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Old 01-21-2012, 06:02 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

I guess she is having a mid-life crisis

Saturday night and shes out again with some old friends getting drunk and staying over at theirs
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Old 01-21-2012, 06:37 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

You'd better stand up for yourself before it's too late and she flushes you down the toilet, along with her and the other man.
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Old 01-21-2012, 09:19 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

I did say to her that she should move in with this man but she says she needs to stay in our house so as not to upset our daughter - he lives about 30 mins away
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Old 01-23-2012, 05:08 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Is there anything I can do to make her see sense and stop this break up? I'll do anyhting but all she says is thats shes in love with him
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:07 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

If you can swing the house alone, kick her out and do not help with her debts (a judge should be able to see that you were innocent should it come to that). It will push her into reality. Let her know you love her so you are letting her go so she will be happy. If it's done right, you could still have a chance to reconcile should you choose. Pack her things, be generous and include momentos you can part with. Focus on your daughter, she needs you. It does sound like a life crisis of sorts but she is a grown woman and you and your daughter deserve better. Good luck and do keep us all posted. I know it sounds harsh but she needs a reality check.
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:21 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Well shes up to her eyes in debt but still going out every weekend to expensive restaurants, pub, cinema with her friends etc.

She says I need tobe a proper man, stop being selfish and focus on my daughter and do whats best for her which, means me moving out because if I don't she will leave with our daughter which will make it hard for her to get to school etc.

I'm so confused - I just want her to stay and we can move on but she says she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me - it's so hard after 21 years together.
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:05 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

You sound like a very kind man, do not let her tell you otherwise. Do what's best for your daughter, which yes means staying in a healthy home (doesn't need to be that home).
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Old 01-24-2012, 06:04 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Well still no change - really feel like I'm in limbo at the mo#ment and don't know what to do. I think the anti depression tablets are working. Her OM is away ski-ing this week so she hasn't seen him. She said she was going to put the house up for sale today but I don't think she's done anything about it.

We had the same argument this morning about her wanting me to move out. We have'nt spoken since I came home.
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Old 01-25-2012, 01:07 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

I'm sorry. I wish I had something helpful for you right now. Limbo is the pits.

Have you read the 180 and the other go-to scripts on here for dealing with cheating? If not, do it sooner than later. They are quite eye-opening.

Keep doing what you're doing, best you can. As far as your daughter, it is not your actions that will be the cause for her upset. But it is coming, so get ready.

Glad to hear you are trying anti depressants. Be strong for your baby. Talk to friends and family. Don't keep it bottled. Don't protect her. Protect you and your child.
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Old 01-25-2012, 01:50 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Well we just had a long talk and I now realise it really is over without any chance of reconciliaition. She told me all the things I had done wrong over the years and that she hadn't loved me in a long time, just stayed for our daughter's sake. She says she isn't leaving because of this man she had already decided 6 months ago to finally muster the courage to leave but she had known him for 5 years as he is a patient at the doctor's surgery where she works but he started pursuing her in November.

She says she loves this man and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. They have already made plans about selling our house and selling his and buying a big place together. She wants to remain friends with me after.

She also told me that i am not to touch her any more or have any physical contact at all as we are separated and if I try and hug her she will have me done for assault. I felt awful.

I'm sat here listening to Patti La Belle singing "On my own".

I feel hopeless

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Old 01-25-2012, 05:16 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal

Rumple, do not buy into her BS. It is because of the OM, why didn't she leave before he started purusing her if she was unhappy?. This is an exit affair.

This identical to my situation, except we don't have children. My stbxw didn't even tell me what I did wrong, but now I see it would have been worthless, seeing as how they are justfying their leaving.

I got the same been decided for 6 months and have to muster the courage. As you can see they are all lies and they follow the same script. The truth is she is as responsible for the breakdown of the marriage as you are. The difference is that another man pursued her and she took the opportunity because she is dishonest. She probably was seeing the OM for longer than she cares to admit.

My stbxw says she was so unhappy with the marriage that she decided to be happy with whatever life gave her. In her case the OM is childhood friend, divorced, jobless and with a child. She thinks the world of him and is even giving him money. There is no logic.

Why would you want to hug or remain friends with someone who has betrayed you?. She wants you to be her doormat. You should have nothing more than a cordial relationship with her because of your daughter.


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Last edited by hamati; 01-25-2012 at 05:22 PM.
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