rumple9

Here's my story -(We live in England) I have been with OH for 21 years in December - We met when I was 20 and she was 21 (obviously now 41 ande 42 respectively).

We had absolutely the perfect relationship until our daughter was borm in 1999. Although she was never a maternal kind of person I always knew when she had a child our relationship would change.

After Lucy was born she suffered severe post natal depression which I don't think she ever recovered from. She has been on anti-depressants since. Further she focused all her attention on the chld and negelcted me. Money was no object as far as Lucy was concerned and as she got older she persuaded me to put her in the best private school which we couldn't afford and as a result our debts just grew and grew.

In addition to which OH is a big spender - always shopping for clothes and going out for meals with her friends. I have a high income but she works part time as a nurse and earns nothing but pin money. We are not married btw.

After Lucy was born I ended up in the spare bed for the last 12 years - she still sleeps with Lucy even though she is now 12. We have sex twice a year at best although we have got along fine but dont go out together much - only really family holidays and the odd day out. I do really love her and she has always told me she loves me too.

I am quite a shy person and I don't enjoy socialising whereas she likes to be out every weekend getting drunk and being the life and soul of the party. I have to say that although she is now 42 she often gets mistaken for being in her late 20's (she is very beautiful) and tbh she acts like an 18 year old. Every weekend she never comes home sleeping over at her friend's houses while I "Babysit". I never minded this because I love her and trust her implicitly.

I have to admit that I do play games on the computer a bit too much (this is my escape from my hard job) and not have been attentive to her as much as I could have been. However I do a very difficult job (a lawyer), I do do all the grocery shopping and cook dinner for us all every night (even though she works part time) and help with the washing up.

But I don't think I'm that bad a person - I don't go out drinking and womanising, I don't goto football - I'm just a stay at home kind of guy.

So here's the rub on Xmas eve she was in the kitchen on the phone - I said "who are you speaking to" - she said "my mum". I could hear a man's voice so I grabbed the phone off of her and went through her texts. These texts said:

"I love you so much Bob"
"I never thought I would find love again"
"I'll be round soon get ready for some action"
"Cant play out tonight Bob"


I said I needed to know everything so she told me she had met him in a pub and been out for a meal with him a few days later and had sex with him 10 times since November. She said he works away permanently during the week and returns to he city at weekends. He is a 50 year old plumber (8 years older than her) divorced and lives with his 25 year old daughter. She says she loves him because his personality reminds her of her grandad who brought her up.

I was devasted but I love her so much I said I would be prepared to put this indescretion behind us and I would do whatever she wanted me to do to change and we could move on.

She says I am lazy and anti-social and we are completelty different people. She is acting so strange I don't know if she is going through the menopause or having a mid-life crisis or something.

However since new year she has been absolutely awful to me - she says she had made her decision to leave me 6 months previously and her relationship with this man would not end as she loves him and was a by-product of her intention to leave. She has been doing her best to get me to move out of the house.

Now she simply wont talk to me and says she will only talk about money and selling the house.

I really don't know what to do I love her so much, I don't want a relationship with anyone else, I don't want to move on and I just feel like ending my life atm as I see no future.


To make matters worse I don't think I will see much of my daughter as she as at an age where she would rather be with her friends on a weekend than her "embarrasing Dad".

Also I cannot face life moving from a comfortable large house to a bedsit and living on my own. I really don't want anyone else.

canguy66

rumple9 - I am very sorry to hear your story and your pain. PLEASE DO NOT HARM YOURSELF. Call a friends, a family member, a suicide prevention line ASAP. I speak from experience - I almost harmed myself on Monday. What stopped me was the anguish I'd cause family and friends - I will NOT put them through this.

My next step was calling a friend, seeing my family doctor who is referring me to a counselor (seeing her tomorrow). A few days after the need miss, I felt MUCH better and am a bit more positive. The help I am getting is doing the same. Please, call someone. Suicide is NOT the answer!!

rumple9

I really cant tell close friends and the only family I have is my mother - and it would kill her - she is very frail. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow to see if I can get some anti-depressants but since xmas eve when I found out I spent 2 weeks in bed doing nothing but crying. I've lost a stone in 3 weeks through not eating. I had to goto work this week and can't stop crying in the office and can't cant get motivated to do work which is so important to me.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me - it's worse than someone dying because there is no closure - it is terrible grief -I just want her back. We are still living in the same house and it's just like walking on eggshells all the time.

Im dreading this weekend because she is going to go off to him while I am sat babysitting - thats why she wants me out of the house. I am going insane. It is pure torture.

I read up on this and tried the 180 but only lasted 3 days before I cracked.

Everyone I speak to just tells me to stay put in the house and move on when it sells and I'll be ok because I'm a good looking guy but I really dont want anyone else but her.

EleGirl

Does your wife have family? Have you exposed her affair to them?

Why are you helping her by sitting with your daughter so she can go out. You should tell her that if she goes off with this guy for the weekend to not come home again. That this is your home and your daughter's home. And you will not put up with exposing your daughter to the affair. Nor with her using your family home as the staging place for her cheating.

The more pressure of reality you can put on the affair, the more likely it will break up.

I also agree that you need to call someone and get some help. Can you go to a clinic to get anti depressents? Is there a place you can go NOW?

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

Shaggy

Don't ham you. Find this guy and make his life unpleasant,

Divorce your cheatng wife and demand full custody of your child.
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Meatpuppet

You sound like a great guy (or bloke, I guess you'd say from your end of the pond ), and it's usually the great guys that get the fecal end of the stick.

Google "Alpha and Beta Male". Your wife sees you as a beta; ie: homebody, not masculine, etc. I know that's a low blow, but after reading a whole lot on female brain chemistry, I have to say men have to be at the top of their game in marriage - always. The more complacent you get, the greater chance they're going to find the "alpha" guy to kick their dopamine back into gear.

I'm a gamer too, but recently, after my ordeal, I went down to my local game shop and sold them all. I tried playing to take my mind off things and found I got no joy and no escape. Since gaming might be one of the factors in her assessment of you as a beta male, I think it'd be best to ditch em, or at least put it on hold.

Instead, join a gym and get into the best shape of your life. Do what I do: lift like your life depends on it (honestly, your future sex life probably does depend on it) and if you can't complete the last rep, picture your wife with the OM and watch what happens.

I added about 30 lbs to my bench weight in a month with this strategy

As for your child, love her like you've never loved her before, but DON'T DON'T, for the sake of Pete, STOP babysitting so your wife can visit the OM. If she pulls that sh!t with you, say you're going down to the pub/gym/movies whatever. BUT DO NOT ENABLE HER TO DO THAT! You're just handing over more of your balls.

I'm actually not sure if my own wife is having an EA/PA, and the stress of not knowing is killing me. At least you have the surety of knowing the truth. That's probably of little comfort, but being in "suspicion limbo" is far worse.

In sum: Daughter>You>Work>Dog/Cat/Bird>.....other stuff....>wife

Show her you can move on. Not to reclaim her, but reclaim yourself.

Hang in there. It's gonna be a rough ride, but time heals all

Pathfinder

Meatpuppet you crack me up.

@Rumple9

You are in a tough situation my friend and I know what you are feeling like. Just understand that feeling suicidal is not strange nor is a character flaw. In a very wayward way it is a survival mechanism. You see suicidal thoughts enter a persons head when they are in too much pain and they cannot cope with that pain. the next time you find yourself feeling this way I want you to stop and read this page:

Suicide Read This First

This page stopped me from killing myself.

You need to get support surrounding you. You need to find friends, a counselor or a support group where you can feel safe to vent all this emotion and know that people are there to care for you. THAT IS CRITICAL. You may not feel like it know but one day you will wake up and you will feel ok, maybe even fine. It does happen but in order to get from this darkness into a little bit of safety you MUST get a support structure going.

Now is not the time to be worried about your wife or your relationship... Your primary focus should be to take care of yourself now. So here is a little plan for you to follow over the next 7 days:

Day 1: Start and implement the 180 rules

Find and book an appointment with a therapist and tell them you are depressed and considering suicide

Post any thoughts and emotions you have on this thread

Day 2: Start running for exercise at least run/walk 3 km

Keep at your 180 and read that list at least 5 times a day

Update this thread and let us know how you are doing

Day 3: Run at least run/walk 3 km

Keep at your 180 and read that list at least 5 times a day

Update this thread, share your emotions and ask advice no matter how stupid or silly you may think it is.

Go see a movie

Day 4 - 7: Run at least run/walk 3 km

Keep at your 180 and read that list at least 5 times a day

Update this thread

During this week make sure you see a therapist, Watch a movie, Go out for a coffee and find a support group to join.

This is a simple plan for you to execute just to get you through the next seven days so you don't have to think "What will I do?" "How will I make it".

You have a plan now, you have goals and no matter how silly you think they are, I want you to do all of them irrespective of how you are feeling, no matter how down you are or no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

The exercise is to lay a foundation for your body. The fitter you are the easy it will be for you to bounce back

The 180 is to help you emotionally protect yourself from your wife and also how to handle being around her

The support structure ( Therapy and support group ) is to protect you from you. DO NOT OVERLOOK THE POWER OF ACCOUNTABILITY!

The updates on this thread is to show you there are people who care. We will respond and we will be there for you. So vent your emotions, we will not judge you. Ask for advice, they are amazingly wise people on this forum who will give you advice that can change your life.

Hang in there, your friends are with you

involedfather

I know first hand where you're at friend and it wasn't long ago for me at all (less than 2 years). My situation was almost exactly the same and my thoughts. I'd never felt such gut-wrenching, all consuming, world closing in on you pain. I was down on my knees literally, begging her to stay, and she kicked me in the face (figuratively) and left me alone and bleeding in the gutter.

Despite the emotions, which I know can't be fought, there is a different reality. The reality is you've been a prisoner in your own home for 12 years. You've been a paycheck and a care giver to an adolescent. The day of your parole is near look at the sky through the bars of your cell and dream of the future!

I didn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it, but now I sleep every night with an incredible woman, wrapped in my arms or wrapped in hers. I love her when we're having sex, I love her when we're just sitting there doing nothing. EVERY morning before I leave I lean over her in bed and whisper in her ear that I love her, she hugs me deeply and is sad to see me go. She's a companion like I never knew existed. I, like you, thought my old marriage was the way of things. I believed in commitment and faithfulness above all else. I believed that it was just my lot in life and made the most of it. There is so much more out there for you!

So many articles and advise about suicide is how it will hurt everyone around you. That's true, it will, but you don't have to live for everyone else. That's just putting you in another prison. Instead, live for you! If you go now you'll be missing the best part of your life! I promise, PROMISE you that this grief is temporary and that there is so much more in life for you! I GUARANTEE you that the day will come, not too far down the road, when you look back on these days GRATEFUL that she finally left. You'll wonder why you couldn't see it then but won't waste much time on the thoughts as you'll be wrapped up in a fulfilling life that you love.

I reached that point about 3 months after mine left but your mileage may vary, it's not a big deal. There was another 6-9 months of anger (ok, so maybe some is still going on) but this was all because I gave her EVERYTHING including the kids and she was still an ungrateful b__ch to me and bad to my kids. If not for the kids I'd never look back after that first 3 months. In fact, I've been away from these forums for so long that I can't even remember my login and had to setup a new one. The only reason I stopped by was because I'm going through a custody battle now, have seen so much turmoil on a forum I visit specific to dads custody, and felt like stopping by here to see if anyone else needed some encouragement.

I registered a new account specifically to respond to YOU Rumple, to give YOU hope, because I see in you exactly what was in me during this time and I want you to survive and thrive.

The emotions are too strong now, I know. You can't address them directly except for with a good counselor so don't. Focus on action now, something you can DO. If you haven't already, do this TODAY. Go get a small mp3 player, some band for it that you can wear, earbuds that will stay in when you jog, GOOD running shoes (seriously spend like $100+ US dollars), whatever clothing is appropriate for your season, get out there and walk, jog, run, whatever your current fitness level is. Do it today. Hell, leave wok early if you can. Do this all you possibly can. Get a protein shake and switch to a QUALITY diet. No goofy weight loss gimmic thing. Focus on nutrition, not losing weight. All of this will FORCE a change in your mindset and outlook on life. You won't be able to prevent the positive change and it will surely turn your life around.

Take care man, there is such a great life ahead of you!

hamati

Rumple, what you are feeling is normal. Just don't act on it. When my stbxw told me she wanted a divorce and later found out there was another man I felt exactly what you feel. I felt it in muy gut for months before she asked for divorce, something was not right. I got the same speech about her having decided six months ago she was leaving. I know your pain. The first month I used to wake in the middle of the night nauseous and with my heart racing. And this was before I knew about the OM.

In my head the OM was a better man in all aspects than myself. I was positive that she wouldn't have left me if it was not for better. I was soooo wrong, now I know the OM is divorced, has a child, has been laid off his job twice and now he's working for my stbxw. My stbxw always made me feel she had such high standards, it was all lies. She is supporting this loser and his son. And she had the nerve to make me feel bad about myself and my job (I own an art gallery btw) telling me I am too refined.

When I acted Alpha she resented it, I'm in good shape and good looking. I didn't let her always get her way. I gave her space and made her feel protected. The sex was better for her than it was for me. Believe me Rumple, this is not about your shortcomings.

She too didn't want to talk and she made me responsible for every problem in our marriage. Do the 180, it works. In a couple of weeks she'll start talking if you man up. I didn't want to beileve this, I thought I could reason with her and show her how much I loved her, this only backfired.

When I finally told her I was not OK with her divorce agreement and she saw I was not letting her get away with it, she was calling me within 5 minutes to talk. She told me what she didn't months before, the reasons and her feelings why the marriage failed. She felt scared, she spoke for nearly an hour. And this is the same woman who would not return my calls or e-mails for 2 months.

Hang in there, it gets better, give it time. No one can pull you through this, you have to do it yourself. Talk about it with your family and friends, they will give you valuable insight.



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canguy66

rumple9 - you OK? Please post something and let us know you're holding on. A lot of people here know exactly what you're going through and care about you. Hope to hear from you soon.

rumple9

yeh I'm ok just very sad and heartbroken - been to see the doctor and he's given me anti-depressants.

Ive been begging her and pleading with her to try and sort it out or goto counselling but she just doesnt want to know and says its over and can't be fixed.

Well its saturday night and she went out and said she was going to her mothers for an hour - that was 5 hours ago so shes obviously out with him. My daughter is sat here crying because her mum won't answer her calls to come home.

that_girl

This is so weird. It's also wrong for that child...and you.

Get your daughter out of YOUR marital bed.

read the whole story...ugh. SO SORRY I hope you are ok.

__________________

Shaggy

Rumple what is with guys in the UK and their women? They seem have all of you turned into nice guys who never ever stand up to them - you get upset, you get sad, but you just take it from them.

So she's out with another man.

Why aren't you packing her bags and putting them at the door?

Why haven't you cut her off from access to any of your money?

Why haven't you cancelled her cell phone ?

why aren't you sleeping in your own bed in the master bedroom?

Doesn't lucy have her own bedroom and bed?

You've let your wife turn you into a doormat all these years, and instead of making you the man she wants, she lost all respect for you.

Get a copy of No More Mr.Nice Guy and read it, and practice it.

Stop thinking that you just being better doormat will improve things - it will not.

I don't mean for you to be abusive or nasty - just to stop accepting being treated as second class - as an option.

canguy66

rumple9... I feel for you. I'm still going through my personal hell, but a couple of nights ago I regained my self-respect and told my stbxw how I felt. It was empowering and I started to respect myself again. Self-respect is an important ally in what you're facing. Regaining yours is an important step forward. I also think my wife gained some respect for me as well.

Like you, I was feeling suicidal, completely immersed in my own grief. I could not see a light in the darkness, yet I know I was stronger than that, but just lost. If I can get past that point, you can too.

Seeing your doctor was an important first step. Anti-depressants are a way to numb the pain but not dealing with the pain. THAT IS KEY. Have you made an appointment with a counselor? If not, I urge you to do so - talking with someone who can allow you to safely express your feelings and grief, then help with the tools to get stronger is essential. It will make you feel less alone and give you hope. This has been my experience very recently. You CANNOT control your wife's behaviour, but you CAN make sound choice that will help you work through this.

A week ago I did not believe people telling me "it will get better". Now I KNOW if will, because of choice I have made and am making.

No later than Monday I want you to post that you've made an appointment with a counselor. Hold on... you WILL be ok and get through this.

hamati

Rumple...please do not beg her or try to reason wth her. Two months ago I was going through exactly what you're going through now. I went to the Dr and gave me antidepessants which I refused. I begged her to go to therapy and she told me no way.

The best thing you can do is take action, just do something about it, I assure you it will make you feel so much better.

Kick her out of the house. Pack her bags. Cut off the money.

Just do it, you will feel better and she will see you have grown a pair and react.

I didn't believe it, but it does work.