In my dayplanner I keep a printout of the results of verbal and emotional abuse, from the Center for Relational Abuse (not a hobbyist site, by the way
) I recently transferred it from my 2011 calendar to my 2012 calendar, and added to it "The Five Principles of Consent" (from another web site, again, google...) which is also good reading.
Please visit the site (you'll need to google...) for the full list of results of abuse. Two that stick out to me after reading your post are:
"A reluctance to come to conclusions." and
"A tendency to live in the future, e.g. "Everything will be great when/after..."
Mhm, I see maybe I need to just try and focus on myself, but I have to admit it's hard with all the outside( or inside/home) stressors.
@ dean perhaps if I relay my plans when I go out to them they will be more assured and less reactive?
@ vampire I don't have any kids with him, and I see what you're saying, but it's so hard to end all contact. We live like 5 minutes apart and it's a very small community where I live. Are yousuggesting I ignore him all together? :/
The hardest thing is when I fall asleep at night and I feel really lonely. Just that a person is not next to me, itcan get very sad and more depressing in the morning when my parents barge into my room asking if I'm working that day or what my plans are.
The only person that truly understands the inner workings of my family is my ex... My friend just can't comprehend. I know this is just another reason to want to keep my ex within contact but if I don't I'm afraid I might go into a panic attack and lose it because of my living situation.
I definitely am looking into getting my own place after I start my new job. I probably can't afford a apartment on my own but I can definitely get a roommate.
As I'm typing my mother came into my room to drop off laundry and ask if I'm going to work. I just stayed silent in an effort to not work myself up.
Thank you for all the replies, they are very insightful and I appreciate all of them. I will take them all to consideration so I can take action on my current way of living.
You wanted to know why you feel the way you do.
The question is, are you going to react to your feelings, or try to gain understanding and control of them?
PS I am envious that you have parents who care enough about you to want to help in a physical and emotional capacity. Very.