A hard and difficult break... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 01-17-2012, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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A hard and difficult break...

I seperated from my wife 2 weeks ago. It had been something I had been putting off for so very long, but I had reached my long over due breaking point. I still don't feel good about it as I had invested more than I could have ever imagined into a marriage of complexities.

How it was complex was that my wife when i met her had 3 children. 2 Girls and 1 boy. She was in a horrible marriage when we first met. I had known and befriended her a year and a half before they seperated and divorced. After time, it didn't take long that our friendship turned into an eventual relationship and then marriage. You see, my wife had a very hard and difficult life. Her mother was not the best roll model. Having kids very young and several failed marriages did not provide stability. This was passed down to my wife as now I was her 4th husband and my 2nd. I have no kids. Wasn't sure I wanted any. My life although without a partner to share it with really had no drama. I knew that my wife at the time had many, many complications especially knowing that her 16 year old daughter was pregnant. In my life I was never a person that would take on family issues of this level, but I had a deep fondness for my wife and I thought I had the emotional type of level head and mentality to work through it and hopefully be the family I hoped and wanted us to be.

We had a partnership that I enjoyed although not perfect. I bought a house and 2 years later got married and was hopeful that we can rebuild a life together as a blended family. It soon went the hard way of things. The 16 year old pregnant daughter had moved in with the baby daddy's family as she was not responding to guidelines we set. Stay in school being the main goal. She dropped out. Imagine the rest.

Soon, 2nd daughter who was living with her dad in another state wanted to live with us. It was going ok at first. At the time she was 15 and we seemed to get along. I in time picked up on a horrible trait of hers. Extreme lying and deception. It was horrible. She loved to play the victim roll like a veteran actress... Claiming she was raped and wasn't. Many bizzare things she would come up with. I knew it wouldn't be long before she would throw me under the buss to get away with her behaviors. Counseling failed misserably. By 18 after catching her in the act with another boy in my home and attitude beyond control she was told to leave. Hard step for my wife. We hoped she would snap out of her funk and desire to come home with a better attitude. Nope, she played her game and soon I was the bad step parent with all the labels that apply. My wife also knew it was a game she was playing. None the less, I could tell at that my wife didn't really know how to talk with me about it. She had that type of dear in headlight look. It was one thing to know my name and reputation as a man was being dragged thru the mud, but my wife didn't know how to sit me down and grab my hand and look deep into my eyes and make me feel that it deeply hurt her the damage it was doing to me. I know it did concern her, but her communcation skills in areas like this were just not good at all. I knew she was embarrased about issues with the kids, but didn't have the skill set to talk to me in the mannor it really needed to provide comfort. I was always doing that for her.

This was only the begining of problems. The 16 year old was now 18 and married to a man almost twice her age. Yes, father issues. But, although her life was a mess and we hated the situation she and her husband decided to join the military. Now, we were raising her 2 year old daughter while she was in the Army. A worthy sacrifice if it gets this kid on the right track. Nope, soon after she was there her and husband were stationed together in a house off base and seperated. They both were messing around with other people, but for her it was like dropping a drug user in a drug supply depot. These boys had their way with her and guess what? Yep, she is now preggo. I tell my wife as I dragged the news out of the step daughter. It was devesting for my wife. Here we are raising her first daughter with whom she seldom talks with and never sent financial support for. All I can see is how the kids manipulated my wife and guilted her every way they could. This trend would only continue on as both girls now have kids as they know that is the great link to their mothers heart strings. There are currently 3 grand children and I am 44 and wife 41. Kids now 22 and 20 have a 5 year old, 2 and 1 year old children. The 5 and 2 year old have no real father figures. We had the first grand child with us until she was 5 and a half and I love her deeply. We even faught for custody. But, the mother of that child worked her magic on mom and eventually got mom to back down. Once again, she was manipulated by her daughter who now at this time was kicked out of the army.

I know even reading this myself it sounds like horrible drama. My wife after calling out so much of this drama just didn't know how to engage me anymore. I tried to deal with this kids over and over and felt punished in the end every time. My wife seems lost and we never talk about anything regarding our family issues anymore. Not that I want to as I am so worn from it. I know she is hurting too. My pains from this family had gone so deep, but I put into it so much. My family and friends see me exhausted and try as delicately as they can to let me know that we live in a crisis situation and I agree. And for a time I thought that my efforts were going to pay off. In the end my wife now was being rude and acting like a bad ass in front of people to make me look like I was the horrible person in the relationship. I broke and the strain on me was too much for me to hold on anymore. I had to ask my wife to leave and that was the hardest day of my life. You see, the grandchild was a part of that package and I knew she would have to follow. I miss her horribly...

It wasn't always so bad, but these kids are a nightmare and if there was one wish I was allowed to make it would be for the family to be healed of all the life pains and have inner peace so I could have my family back. I have addressed this with a counselor and there is a general sense that the kids both have sociopathic traits. I miss the partnership me and my wife sharred when we didn't have the kids drama in the background, but it was overwhelming the situation and I saw a worse future for my health. She couldn't let them go in a way that forced them to grow up. I know deep down she is scared for her kids as well, but bailing them out over and over and ignoring the lying traits killed the marriage. They made so many mistakes and we had to deal with them. In the end I am very saddened, but know I need to breathe and survive. My wife's closet enabling has only further proven what horrible affects this will have in the future and our relationship. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. When a person invests 6 years of their life and has strong attachments to the innoscent, relief is tempured by a wounded heart.

Last edited by nick15; 01-17-2012 at 03:12 PM.
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