Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.
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Old 01-27-2009, 10:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

hi,

My wife and I have been married since 2004 and have known each other other since 2001. We're from Australia but we have been living in Canada for a few years and just moved to New York City 6 months ago. Both professionals in separate fields.

2 weeks ago she came to me and said she'd had enough as she wasn't as happy as she could be. She wants to separate and as she thinks we want different things in our lives and we don't want to go in the same direction.

I have been heartbroken and an absolute mess until I picked up a pen and wrote her a letter in which I mentioned I agreed we lost our spark in the past 2 years, we don't have sex much at all (I'm 29 she is 28), we have our own friends and we just don't bounce off each other like we once did.

I begged her for days to give it another go and for us to to get "us" back but she refused over and over. The first time she cried was when she read my letter as she finally knew I GOT IT. But she still hasn't given in to fixing it. The worst thing is we had planned to go on vacation up to Canada to see old friends this week and I decided it wasn't a good idea to go if she wanted to end it all. So here I am alone in New York City wondering what she's doing each and every minute of the day as she visits her friends in Canada

After looking for answers everywhere I came across this website ( 8 Marriage Ruts: Are You In One? - MSN Relationships - article ) which explains in all like it was written for us!! We're in a "Marriage Rut" and I now need to work out how to get past her stubborn attitude towards all this and show her where we at in our marriage and we can to save this and get over this hurdle.

How do I do this??? She returns to NY next Monday (Feb 2) and I know if I present her with a website and/or a printout she will just be stubborn and not read it or won't give it a chance. I booked a ticket back to Australia for the day BEFORE she returns and I told her this. I don't want to go back and have pretty much decided I will cancel this ticket. Will she call and tell me not to go back to Australia???? Probably not because she's stubborn and when she makes up her mind she sticks by it.. and this is another reason why I truly love her.

I know this can be saved. We were "fine" before this. We just need to get what we had back.. "US".

Help!
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Old 01-27-2009, 11:05 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

A Big thing for us was to come to NY because it was a dream of ours although I think we've both realized this isn't the place we thought it would be. No friends, no family, tiny apartment etc...

She just finished her Masters (she has studied ever since we met, now she has alot of time on her hands), her granddad is very ill in Australia, her job is slow, its sooo cold here and we don't go out much, last month she just had a cancer scare and required an operation, her parents have never liked me for taking her overseas,... so much is happening in her live at moment and I need to be by her side to help her.
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Old 01-27-2009, 11:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

Have you asked her if she is as unhappy in NY as you are?

What if you 2 take a trip back home for a while. Maybe you can find the "us" in the relationship again if you can go back to what is familiar and comfortable....meaning Australia.
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Old 01-27-2009, 12:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

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Originally Posted by ozoz View Post
hi,

My wife and I have been married since 2004 and have known each other other since 2001. We're from Australia but we have been living in Canada for a few years and just moved to New York City 6 months ago. Both professionals in separate fields.

2 weeks ago she came to me and said she'd had enough as she wasn't as happy as she could be. She wants to separate and as she thinks we want different things in our lives and we don't want to go in the same direction.

I have been heartbroken and an absolute mess until I picked up a pen and wrote her a letter in which I mentioned I agreed we lost our spark in the past 2 years, we don't have sex much at all (I'm 29 she is 28), we have our own friends and we just don't bounce off each other like we once did.

I begged her for days to give it another go and for us to to get "us" back but she refused over and over. The first time she cried was when she read my letter as she finally knew I GOT IT. But she still hasn't given in to fixing it. The worst thing is we had planned to go on vacation up to Canada to see old friends this week and I decided it wasn't a good idea to go if she wanted to end it all. So here I am alone in New York City wondering what she's doing each and every minute of the day as she visits her friends in Canada

After looking for answers everywhere I came across this website ( 8 Marriage Ruts: Are You In One? - MSN Relationships - article ) which explains in all like it was written for us!! We're in a "Marriage Rut" and I now need to work out how to get past her stubborn attitude towards all this and show her where we at in our marriage and we can to save this and get over this hurdle.

How do I do this??? She returns to NY next Monday (Feb 2) and I know if I present her with a website and/or a printout she will just be stubborn and not read it or won't give it a chance. I booked a ticket back to Australia for the day BEFORE she returns and I told her this. I don't want to go back and have pretty much decided I will cancel this ticket. Will she call and tell me not to go back to Australia???? Probably not because she's stubborn and when she makes up her mind she sticks by it.. and this is another reason why I truly love her.

I know this can be saved. We were "fine" before this. We just need to get what we had back.. "US".

Help!

You want her back emotionally? If so, you need to start doing somethings to help her find herself again.

1) Stop saying I love you to her. It will just pressure her.
2) Constantly stare into her eyes when you speak with her. It shows her you respect her by doing this.
3) Stop asking her question that pertain to your benefit. It is ok to ask her how she is feeling and if she is doing "ok".
4) If she is in Canada, tell her it is a good thing for her and you. You need sometime apart from her to figure out what you want.
5) Agree with her. Do not fight her on issues.

Want more? Go to zaxxes.com. Good luck.
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Old 01-27-2009, 04:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

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Have you asked her if she is as unhappy in NY as you are?

What if you 2 take a trip back home for a while. Maybe you can find the "us" in the relationship again if you can go back to what is familiar and comfortable....meaning Australia.
We're happy in NY but we really thought we were going to move here an settle down to make it our home for quite a long time. We had been wanting to move here since for 3 years so it was a very big buildup and a big disappointment when we realize its not where we want to be long term. I think we were to afraid to tell each other as we both wanted each other to be happy. And now its just built up to "we don't want the same things". Before she left for Canada I made it clear to her my thoughts about NY and we agreed "we did it and got it out of our system".

All this is just 1 of things just built up. We got in a rut and we didn't know it. I've only just figured this out and need to somehow show her the proof we're not over, we're simply in a hole and need to get out. Ruts are common and we need to beat it.

We need to find "us" sooner than later.
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Old 01-27-2009, 04:02 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

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Originally Posted by husbandinthemking View Post
You want her back emotionally? If so, you need to start doing somethings to help her find herself again.

1) Stop saying I love you to her. It will just pressure her.
2) Constantly stare into her eyes when you speak with her. It shows her you respect her by doing this.
3) Stop asking her question that pertain to your benefit. It is ok to ask her how she is feeling and if she is doing "ok".
4) If she is in Canada, tell her it is a good thing for her and you. You need sometime apart from her to figure out what you want.
5) Agree with her. Do not fight her on issues.

Want more? Go to zaxxes.com. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply.

Over the past days I've already stopped with I love you and need you back stuff. I want her to miss me while she's in Canada.

The main problem I have is HOW DO I PUT IT TO HER THAT WE'RE IN A RUT AND THATS OUR PRIMARY PROBLEM?? I don't want her stubborn attitude to fight back and push me away.
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Old 01-27-2009, 04:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

Hey ozoz,

I'm also an Aussie, but in Australia,

I have been separated since December 17, but he has been living with me for the last 4 days after I cried my eyes out and told him that even though everyone thinks I have made the right decision, that I still love him.

I just wanted to say that we moved to phillip Island for work from Melbourne and same, cold, no friends, no family, no support, other issues, and it all fell apaprt to the point that I went away for a week to try to relax.

Being away from everyone certinally is hell for any relationship, but as I am realising, we had MANY issues before it all fell apart.

I don't even know if we will properly get back together yet. I want it to, but he still frustrates me.

Maybe talk to her about the issues you might have had before the big move to get the dialogue going...
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Old 01-28-2009, 07:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

We spoke over the phone last night for the first time in almost a week.

She asked how I was doing and what was happening with my move to australia. I mentioned the above link in my original post speaking of us being in a Rut which can be fixed. I also added I was afraid of showing her this as I knew how strong she was on breaking this 8 year relationship off. She then proceeded in saying STOP ALL THIS, ITS OVER. she is so strong at the moment and I can only think she is getting this from her girlfriends in Canada.

This is the first time I've ever started to feel hate towards her... ever!! I hate what she has done over the past 2 weeks to kill off everything we had. It scares me to think someone can just switch off like this after so many years of great times.

It's over, I now need to move on.
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Old 01-28-2009, 12:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

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We spoke over the phone last night for the first time in almost a week.

She asked how I was doing and what was happening with my move to australia. I mentioned the above link in my original post speaking of us being in a Rut which can be fixed. I also added I was afraid of showing her this as I knew how strong she was on breaking this 8 year relationship off. She then proceeded in saying STOP ALL THIS, ITS OVER. she is so strong at the moment and I can only think she is getting this from her girlfriends in Canada.

This is the first time I've ever started to feel hate towards her... ever!! I hate what she has done over the past 2 weeks to kill off everything we had. It scares me to think someone can just switch off like this after so many years of great times.

It's over, I now need to move on.

Hmm. You think her girlfirends are behind this, eh? Sorry, you are wrong.

It is possibly another man. Yep. Hate to say it, but she is probably with him right now. In Canada or wherever.

The road to repair is a looooong road. I usually direct people to fixing it, but you sound pretty much done with her.

Best of luck to you.

And for the record, by saying "I knew how strong she was on breaking this 8 year relationship off", you did not vaildate her feelings. You crushed them. She could give a crap about what you are thinking right now. Obviously, she is confused and conflicting about her emotions. The only way around this is to agree with her feelings, no matter how weird they might be.
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Last edited by husbandinthemking; 01-28-2009 at 12:37 PM.
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Old 01-28-2009, 04:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage Rut + Stubborn wife... help please.

That is so awful ozoz,

But, unlike husbandinthemaking, I don't think it isdefinetely another man. You have obviously pi#$%d her off to the point she doesn't even want to hear your voice.

What did you do to her?

And the ruiles of atration thing workes, backing right off etc, no matter how hard it is until she calls you. But, you sound like, oh well, its over, next...

If that is the case, then it doesn't sound like it was a real union to begin with.

Or was it?

I do hope you figure it all out ozoz.

Take care,
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