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post #1 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 06:40 AM Thread Starter
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Reaching out

Hello all,

I'm reaching out to this forum because I saw some threads with similar situations like the one I'm currently going through. Any advice would be much appreciated! Here's my story:

My wife and I have been together for 9 years. We have 3 children 5/7/9 (oldest is from a previous marriage however when I met my wife she was 9 months old) and she recently told me that "she's done." This is the second time that she has gotten to a point where she feels physically and emotionally neglected. Looking back I have realized that during the busy schedule of having 3 children, that the typical routine has faded passion over the years. This is the second time that this has happened. I got comfortable, didn't take care of my health, and didn't cater to her needs. By the time we discuss what the problems are, she is already talking to other men. Sending inappropriate pictures, videos, you name it. I recently found out about 2 weeks ago that she started these conversations again, and I immediately confronted her about it which initiated a series of serious talks to identify the core problems. During this period she becomes insatiable. Going from normally intimate to wanting passion every single day. This tore be up as I never truly felt like it was genuine and in the back of my mind this was a by product of these inappropriate conversations with other men. Wanting to move forward, I got a babysitter for a 4 day weekend with the intentions on spending quality time with her. The first day was fantastic (now keep in mind that up until this point she never made it seem like she was unhappy) it was full of passion, and I felt like our hearts were bursting for each other.

Well, I was wrong.

I found out the next morning that she was on the phone with another man for multiple hours while she was just "running to the store." I lost my cool, I confronted her about it, and that's when she told me that she was done. We went from pure ecstasy to where she has "anxiety attacks" just being in the same room as me. Asked for counseling, to which she immediately declined. She's cordial with me, as I will need some time to get my ducks in a row (she will keep the house etc) and shes understanding. Its been 5 days, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for creating a void, for neglecting her emotional and physical needs. I can only sleep 1-2 hours at a time, with an average of 4 hours a night. She stays home for the most part, but she stays in the garage where she can smoke and continue to have long conversations with other men. I know about these continued conversations, and have confronted her about them but they are still happening. She tells me that these other men "make her feel better" and that she recognizes that its wrong, but part of her doesn't care as she doesn't respect me.

She said that shes not mad at me, that she doesn't hate me, that she thinks I'm a good person, and that she is "hurt that she's hurting me." I'm just seriously torn, it all seems all of a sudden, and now I feel like I've been immediately replaced. Like I said earlier, we're cordial for the most part, we spend time together as a family, and we even have times where we can both laugh. She's openly said that shes forcing herself to try to fix our marriage, that she has been trying to work on us for some time now but I never took her seriously. She acknowledges that I am trying, but that it's too late.

What am I supposed to do? I'm tore between fighting for her love again, but I also partially have resentment because she doesn't seem to care at all when it comes to talking to these other men. I have truly realized that I have peronal issues that I need to take care of and I am now focusing on myself, my health, career, and other demons that I battle. I'm trying my best to give her space, but deep down I have this incredible urge to just hold her, to make things better, to fix our marriage.

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post #2 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 06:55 AM
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Re: Reaching out

She is hurt that she is hurting you, but not enough to stop?

She certainly does not respect you. If nothing else, you have to appreciate the honesty.

So this isn't the first time. Whenever she feels neglected, she seeks comfort from other men. This makes her a lousy partner, and no amount of you neglecting her makes this okay. In other words, you may be responsible for a portion of the state of the marriage, but you have zero responsibility for her choice to cheat...multiple times.

The more important question is this: why do you think so little of yourself that you are willing to tolerate this situation longer than an hour without taking action?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #3 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 07:31 AM
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Cool Re: Reaching out

She is an unremorseful woman whose only aims are in getting her sexual needs met. And that only ~ you don't need her because she is far removed from being wife/mother material! Only the lying, deceptive cheating skank that she has more than proven herself to be!

That being said, you need to immediately execute "the 180," meet with a good "piranha" family attorney to advise you of both your property and custodial rights, then file for divorce and also for full custody of all three kids, as she has clearly demonstrated to the world that she doesn't want them as they, like you, are in her way from living the Hedonistic style of life that she is attuned to. I'd ask the court for the maximum amount of child support with her getting the barest-bones supervised visitation that the law will allow!

You are those kids lifeline! It should preeminently be about them and you as a family right now!

Life was never meant to live this way! Rid yourself of that scourge and know that in time, you will meet a faithful and loving woman who will truly love you for the man that you are!

Welcome to TAM! Sorry to see you here, but you have come to preeminently the best place in the world for marital help and advice!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #4 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: Reaching out

Quote:
Originally Posted by YESTHATSCORRECT View Post
she recently told me that "she's done."
And as much as you want to make things right, realize that she made a choice to disconnect from the marriage of her own volition. If she's choosing to stonewall you and to be done, the marriage is done as far as she's concerned. I fear your continued efforts to save this marriage will only preserve a union between you and someone who claims to be your wife but does not act like it. She's cheating on you (I dare say physically and emotionally), and she doesn't care. You deserve better.

Help me understand: your wife stays home all day, phones men in the garage while taking a smoke, after the kids are gotten off to school and while you're out working to put food on the table and keep a roof over your family's head? Yet, under these circumstances, it seems OK to you that she get the house and she get your kids in a separation/divorce? This is appalling.

First thing, stop blaming yourself for neglectfulness; it does not excuse her behavior. Second thing, get evidence of her emotional affairs; it will come in handy. Third thing, consult with a few divorce attorneys to better understand your rights in a divorce; you'll want to discuss your chances of full custody (I assume 2 kids are yours), and obligations for alimony/child support when your wife has been cheating. Fourth thing, get out of the marriage.

I typically encourage marriage counseling and attempted reconciliation to people in troubled marriages when kids are involved, if there's no physical/substance abuse and even if there were infidelity. However, reconciliation is only possible when couples share that goal for their marriage, and it doesn't seem like your wife would set that goal at present or in her future. Considering this, I would plan a graceful exit and restart your life with someone who cares enough for you to be faithful.

Last edited by _anonymous_; 06-16-2017 at 08:45 AM.
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post #5 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 08:29 AM
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Re: Reaching out

She is cheating...do you get that? she is cheating and she is blame shifting it on too you...she does not get too do that...and please please do not become a doormat accepting that crap.
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post #6 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Reaching out

OP,
Your wife is a spoiled child and children only respect authority. You cannot rationalize with a child, their minds are not yet developed enough to where reason and logic are comprehensible. Therefore, you must approach her as you would a rebellious teenager by first acknowledging the fallacy of her statements. Let us look at the statement she made "the other men make me feel good". This is laughable. You are providing a roof, food and most of her wants (that is an assumption but likely true) and yet these "other men" have the magical ability to say just the right thing to "make her feel good" with words, yet she cannot feel good about the roof, food and relative security you are providing? They must have some incredible insight that they are relating to her, no?

Then there is the statement "it hurts me that I am hurting you". This indicates that she is a masochist. No one would cause themselves pain if it was in their power to stop it unless they enjoyed the pain and if they did enjoy it then is it really pain? or is it pleasure? These are but two examples of her child mind. She is not mature enough to be in an adult relationship and, if you wish to continue in this with her you will have to assume the role of quasi-parent. She must be made to "behave". In other words you must stop treating her like an adult and begin dealing with her on a level that she understands.

You must put your foot down and give her consequences. No more talking to men while we are married, no more covert contact. She can still do those things just not as your wife. You must give the child punishment or they will continue to misbehave.
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post #7 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Reaching out

Get your head out of your ass.

You didn't make her cheat. You may not be the perfect husband but she's cheating because she made the conscious decision to.

From all indications it's a serial thing which normally won't stop.

Quit projecting your feelings and love for her onto her. It's obvious she doesn't feel that way towards you.

Rolling over and being a patsy isn't going to do anything except cause you to have zero respect and lower your status even more if that's possible.

Get the names of the men and inform their spouses without warning. It's about you're only chance.

If you don't have the guts to do this you may as well file or you'll just wallow in this.
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post #8 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Reaching out

Just let her go. She isnt worth trying to fight for.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #9 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: Reaching out

I have to chime in and say that I agree with all the comments already posted.

OP, you are responsible for your own behavior, and in turn partially responsible for the marriage breaking down. But you are not responsible for her cheating; you didn't drive her or push her to do this, she made that choice all on her own. And YES, what she is doing is cheating. If these flirtations haven't yet become physical, it's only a matter of time. And there is such a thing as an emotional affair.

She's already checked out of this marriage. I would recommend seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce as soon as possible. Give her what she wants, and let her go. Reality will set in for her soon enough. Stop wasting your time and energy trying to win her back. A woman who would cheat on you isn't worth it.

And you also need to get yourself into counseling, 1) to deal with the emotional fallout of your marriage, and 2) to start working on you, and start fixing the parts of yourself that contributed to the marriage falling apart.

Good luck, friend. We'll help you through it. You've come to the right place.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #10 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 08:00 AM Thread Starter
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Sorry for the late response, yesterday was the first time I got some decent sleep. I understand it's done, I understand that I'm probably hurting myself more by holding on. Apparently she's been done with our marriage for some time now, and I just haven't had time to fully accept this. I know that deep down I deserve better. As far as the house goes I do not have the financial means to be able to afford the household bills completely by myself as the past 2 years I have been back to school trying to finish a degree. The thought of starting all over just scares me to death. I've been focusing on myself, to lose weight (lost 15 lbs so far) to get a job and just focus on the children for the time being but I'm walking through the deepest circles of Hell. What point does it just click in your heart that it's over? I know she's doing me wrong but right now I can't help but to feel guilt that I've created this void. Through it all I'm scared, spending 9 years with her just makes me question how I can love my life without her. I may be grieving the memories of good times, I guess only time can heal this wound.

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post #11 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Reaching out

Chasing, trying to nice them back, etc is all a waste of time. Hard no contact is what's needed.

However, in your current mindset I doubt you have the strength or will to follow through with it.

If you don't/can't you'll just wallow in this longer.
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post #12 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reaching out

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Chasing, trying to nice them back, etc is all a waste of time. Hard no contact is what's needed.

However, in your current mindset I doubt you have the strength or will to follow through with it.

If you don't/can't you'll just wallow in this longer.
Yes I agree. Right now we are cordial for the most part but I'm trying to ignore her the best I can. She still stays in the garage 90% of time we are home together, which is quite often as she works from home and I've been out of work for the past 3 years because I've been in school. Right now I'm trying to get back into the workforce with the intention on finishing my degree through night classes. We had a productive discussion today, however it was about my future living arrangements. I just don't feel like immediately jumping to the conclusion of divorce. Separation is definitely needed in order for me to truly focus on myself, my health, my career, my personal happiness. I'm hoping that through separation things could work out with short sacrifices for the long run. Or I could just be absolutely pathetic to have hope for this. Not sure, its always a roller coaster.
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post #13 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 03:16 PM
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Re: Reaching out

Separation is always used to make time for the other man or prep for divorce.

Wake up and get out of your denial. Once she gets you out you'll never be allowed back in.

That's why the best advice is always never leave your home.

You won't listen right now but you were warned.
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post #14 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Separation is always used to make time for the other man or prep for divorce.

Wake up and get out of your denial. Once she gets you out you'll never be allowed back in.

That's why the best advice is always never leave your home.

You won't listen right now but you were warned.

So you're suggesting that I do not talk to her at all and prepare to be in a position if need be, leave?
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post #15 of 141 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: Reaching out

Quote:
Originally Posted by YESTHATSCORRECT View Post
Sorry for the late response, yesterday was the first time I got some decent sleep. I understand it's done, I understand that I'm probably hurting myself more by holding on. Apparently she's been done with our marriage for some time now, and I just haven't had time to fully accept this. I know that deep down I deserve better. As far as the house goes I do not have the financial means to be able to afford the household bills completely by myself as the past 2 years I have been back to school trying to finish a degree. The thought of starting all over just scares me to death. I've been focusing on myself, to lose weight (lost 15 lbs so far) to get a job and just focus on the children for the time being but I'm walking through the deepest circles of Hell. What point does it just click in your heart that it's over? I know she's doing me wrong but right now I can't help but to feel guilt that I've created this void. Through it all I'm scared, spending 9 years with her just makes me question how I can love my life without her. I may be grieving the memories of good times, I guess only time can heal this wound.
Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it. Do what it says to do.

Do you know who the men are that she carrying on with?

Does anyone else, like her family, know what she is doing?

Surviving An Affair -
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