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I need to talk about my story.

72K views 333 replies 51 participants last post by  3Xnocharm 
#1 · (Edited)
I picked this site because the people here seem more responsive than any other site ive seen. So I wont post and run. I'm not sure what I need here other than to talk about it.

6 years ago I met my wife. She was 25 and I was 36. I worked at the local jail and she was a recovering heroin addict. I had been at the jail for several years and have seen all sorts of addicts and offenders. My co workers actually stated that she was perfect for me. She had resolve, she wasnt the addict that others are. She didn't expect god or anyone else to free her of her addiction, she said it was her demon to beat. They encouraged our meeting as we were so similar. Now I don't know if it's because they felt sorry for me (at that point I had dated but stayed single and was single for about 8 years up until that point.)
She was pretty, witty, and had a wonderful sense of humor.
At the time, I thought there wouldn't be any harm im writing her after she left the facility which I did.
We got to know each other without sex and it was actually refreshing. We learned about each other and fell in love with each others words. If you're wondering why on earth I would take the chance its because I believe everyone is capable of change. That and maybe I was lonely. I do know that I felt a connection that I had not felt before and it seemed wonderful.

Fast forward a year and a half and we were living with each other. We were the best of friends. We had some issues but nothing major however, she did relapse. One time. I remember when and the day. My fears of relapse had come true and I voiced that I was unsure about us. Over the next couple weeks we talked a lot and she was remorseful and displayed resolve. She made it this far and one step back, two steps forward. And to this day, this was her only relapse and I am very proud of her. Oddly enough, during this time, she "forgot" to take her birth control and as a result, she became pregnant.
We worked though her relapse, she had our beautiful little girl and life was great.

Add another 2 years. She got a great job and we were raising our daughter and life was great. She became the person I knew she was capable of being and I finally had the family I had always wanted. Shortly after this time in a period of a couple weeks, she started to become irritable with me constantly and picked arguments (something we never did). After something trivial (a 4th of july gathering) she exploded, stated she was having an affair, refused to tell me with whom and demanded that I move out.
She kept our daughter from me for a couple days. It was terrible.
I found out who this person was and contacted his wife and told her. We exchanged information and had learned during the "confession" that I had received the trickle down truth. Over the course of the next couple weeks, she told more and more of the truth. I felt terrible. Things seemed so good. I was off work at the time due to a health issue but we both agreed that it was temporary but needed. (two severe blood clots that turned my legs purple). Now she was blaming me being off work as one of her frustrations. She said I had become depressed and pushed her away. (And in her defense, not working made me a little depressed). She seemed remorseful. We went to a marriage councilor and worked past this.

We learned a lot during this period and in the 2 years past, often talked about how it made us stronger. I brought it up a lot and needed reassurance often however, things were better. Within a month after her affair, I got to go back to work and things were looking up. We were bruised but not beaten. I felt good about our future. And we have a daughter, she deserved parents that would fight for her family.

Another 2 years later, we now have a beautiful house, wonderful daughter, and I have never been happier. I have always wanted a family and a wife I could call my friend and I finally had it. Financially, my job is low pay. The reason is yet another decision we made together. She works two midnight shifts and two day shifts. We agreed on a day shift job for me so that our daughter would be home a lot instead of a daycare or something. The town I live in isn’t all that big so day shift positions aren’t easy to come by. So , 8-4 was perfect. Once our daughter was a little older and when my wife could hold a different shift, I would find something better with better pay. It was for the greater good.
This last may 4th, I was up late and decided it was time for bed. After I plugged my phone in on my side of the bed, I started to walk out of the bedroom to let the dog out, lock the doors, etc. and noticed her phone lit up. Out of curiosity I walked over to see what it was this late and she woke up as I was looking at it. She changed her lock code but after an argument, gave me the new code. She made up some lie and said to my face that she changed the code because I “snoop” around on her phone. This was bizarre because I didn’t yet she lied to me, about me, and it wasn’t true. After looking at her phone, I saw that she was pricing a SUPER 8 in a town 20 minutes away. After asking her about it, she said she typed it in by mistake.
She left that night and I didn’t see or talk to her or my daughter for 5 days. After talking to her finally, she said that she had already filed for divorce and I needed to move out. She states that because of the one time we argued in front of our daughter, it was too much. My paranoia and my insecurities have pushed her over the edge. “There is no fixing this”. I have destroyed my marriage.
Now, I had to move and rebuild my life with a low paying job. The woman that would write me love notes daily, tell me I was a perfect husband, tell me how happy she is with her life now says our marriage is beyond repair. I have pushed her too far.
I cannot for the life of me think of another time that I have felt such sadness.
She left may 4th. Almost every day I hear, “get out of that house”. She went to her moms awaiting my departure from the house. (Leasing with the option to buy). I can’t afford the house on my own and she claims she can….which is probably true. Its been almost 2 months of hell. I had no money and no prospects.
I have found a place and I get the keys to this apartment on Friday. Its not a nice place and it breaks my heart that I have to take my daughter there. But…its all I can afford until I get a new job. So our daughter, our old dog whom shes throwing away, and myself are moving next Tuesday.
I told her that I get the keys a week from tomorrow but I actually get them Friday. This is because I don’t want micro managed by her family as I try to move. What she doesn’t know is that I have scrounged enough for an attorney. Our first court date is tomorrow.
Any light at the end of the tunnel is that I have our daughter most of the time. Due to wife’s schedule, I have our daughter Thursday through Tuesday morning and every other Saturday night (but still have her all day on Saturdays). Over the last month and a half, its been a rollarcoaster. At first, she wouldn’t come over alone. I asked her why and she said it was because I might “attack her”. Another bizarre comment. I said, “but I’ve never attacked you” but that didn’t matter. She denies having another affair and it seems that this is my fault.
A couple weeks ago, she got into my phone account and got the numbers of everyone I’ve been texting or talking to, looked them up on facebook, and threatened them not to step foot into her house. The things shes said about me were terrible.
I have never been treated so poorly by anyone as much as I have by her the last few weeks.
My mind says I need to run far away.
My heart misses my friend to the utmost intensity.
Lately, shes been coming over more. She seems happier but she knows I’m moving out. She even came over to have dinner with us (my daughter and I) a couple times. She said that 5 days without our daughter around is too hard which is why she comes over.

So that’s my story. I have never been more depressed in my life. There have been rough periods of my life….some awful but this is the worst. At least I have our daughter 85% of the time. Most of the time, I’m so sad and stressed out, its making it hard to be a good dad. Any comments are welcome.
 
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#2 ·
Sounds like a selfish, crazy woman. It also sounds like you could have spent more time with her and would have ended up in the same place.

Can you retrain for a different job? Are there social services or job training programs available through you?

You still have many more work years left so focus on you and your child.

And next time consider the background of the person you date. More people than not revert to their basic nature. Look to social groups, churches, volunteer organizations, your kids school for higher quality people with more character


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#3 ·
You married someone with terrible character flaws. It's nice to believe people change but only a real small percentage do. Frankly our society is too optimistic about people like your wife, sadly you got burned by that. Stop believing it. I think the writing is on the wall don't you? Enjoy your children, learn from this mistake. Personally I have always believed that 75% chance of having a good marriage is done at the picking stage, this is because most people don't and maybe even can't change. It takes someone of great character to admit they are wrong and act different. Now is the time to move on and find better.

There is a good chance she was cheating, and over all you probably got the best she was capable of. Accept that. Sometimes in life things end. Accept it. Work on getting a better career and healing yourself being the best father you can be. Change the interaction with her to being about the children and nothing more. In a year or so you will have healed by then unfortunately she will most likely be crashing and burning. Hopefully when she wants to return you had learned your lesson. This is why it's important for to detach you must not allow that into your kids life as they need at least one stable parent with one stable home. If you don't they will end up with a lifetime of problems. You need to think of them now and use that as motivation.

It will get better, there is better out there. Work on healing and have hope, your life is not over, you may find it ends up being much better.
 
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#7 ·
This is my side quest. Ive started walking every day and will soon be running again. I am just so confused.
How can i get love notes and be the perfect husband one day and less than a two weeks later be such a piece of crap. How did i become an enemy? Ive noticed a common theme and thats when guys put the woman on a pedestal, the guy gets walked on. I'm not a weak man.....at least i didn't think so. I was just agreeable. We seldom argued and got along like we were long life friends. Now, i'm a monster. The constant lies she tells me as if i werent there and what shes telling others. I just don't understand.
 
#5 ·
You chose a wife unwisely (as I also have done). Once you have identified a huge character flaw it's time to step back. The bad thing about these huge character flaws is that they almost always recur, however much they try to hide them. You have learned a very expensive lesson, one that hopefully you won't forget.
 
#6 ·
Are you concerned she may have relapsed again? Her behavior is all over the place.

Unfortunately, she is not special. Not any more special than any other recovering addict. You chose her because you chose her.

You need to secure a lawyer and protect yourself. If she falsely accuses you of abuse, you do not want to be in a place where you are unprepared.

Have you been served D papers? If not, go file yourself and have her served.

Do not leave your home. It is marital property.
 
#8 · (Edited)
Yes, she left on May 4th (thursday) and filed monday may 8th. Our first court hearing is tomorrow at 1. I have an attorney that she is not aware of. (she thinks i'm going to represent myself).

And I've heard that my "picker" is off. She seemed different and the friendship we shared WAS different. I connected with her in a way I haven't had or seen before.

Believe me, i see the obviousness in what she was before I met her. My optimism is my downfall. It wasn't low self esteem but maybe a little loneliness. I just believed in her. Am i paying the price for my misconception? Absolutely. However i believed differently.
 
#10 ·
Often it seems that when someone is saved, they love their savior, but their love isn't a true love. It's more that they feel love that they are being provided for and being made safe. I don't think she was being deceptive, but she probably loved the stability you provided rather than who you were as a person. Once she was back on her feet and didn't need you for stability, her feelings changed. Plus, it sounds like she's moved on to someone else.

It sounds like you're a great guy and will make someone else a wonderful husband. But it would probably be best to try to find someone who loves you for who you are rather than someone who needs the help you can provide.
 
#11 ·
As much as this stings, you're probably right.
Like I said before, its all so confusing. How close we were, the friendship, the good times. 99% of the time, it was discussed how envious others were of our friendship and how much we laughed.
The feeling that I was living a lie is hard to swallow.
 
#12 · (Edited)
There is nothing wrong in believing in people, but you must believe them when they show you who they are too... do you possibly think about codependent tendencies and if they have an influence in your life? Could that be a problem in your personal life that overflowed to your professional environment (or was learned in your professional environment) and thus to arise in your personal life?

It may help to read Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie (https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025) and at least rule out what you can change.

She will continue to drive this bus until you either starve her of fuel or take away the keys... I would think the keys would begin the change you need much faster but the reaction will be just as abrupt as she repaints your history together to justify her unmindful behavior the only way she seems to know how. A lawyer will help here and you were wise to retain one, volatility like you are experiencing dictates it.

It all depends on your balance of disappointment and being mindfully aware... sometimes the details are just not important in the why she does what she does, it simply is and the helpful action is to simply let go of that which hurts us to deliver what is necessary to sort through what is best (calm has to begin somewhere in you), especially for you and your daughter.

That calm will clear the clutter from your future "picker" as well as this storm passes thru... I wish you the best tomorrow.
 
#13 ·
She will continue to drive this bus until you either starve her of fuel or take away the keys... I would think the keys would begin the change you need much faster but the reaction will be just as abrupt as she repaints your history together to justify her unmindful behavior the only way she seems to know how. A lawyer will help here and you were wise to retain one, volatility like you are experiencing dictates it.
Does it go without saying shes a narcissist? And how could I do this?
 
#14 ·
Being in a care-taking role without boundaries will always bring suffering... that's just how it is.

What are your current boundaries with her, right now?

If there are few, why?

It seems she attaches to every weak boundary, shakes it loose, then runs uncontrolled... would you say this is accurate?

If so... what boundaries could you begin enforcing today that will slow down if not stop some of the suffering she brings?
 
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#17 ·
I gotta be honest here......i don't know. We are separated and she is staying with her mom. At least I'm not hearing, "get the **** out of my house" any more. She knows she left me broke but still hounded me.
"I can't move without money. I need time".
-"Thats your problem. I am not responsible for your happiness or your finances". Shes been gone for about a month and a half and claims i've been dragging my feet. She knows I can't afford that house on my own. I couldn't have been more ill-prepared for this.

So when she misses our daughter, she drops by. Legally, she can since her name is on the house as well as mine.
Deep down I wanted a "i'm sorry" so I thought showing her kindness would get that. Its my fault she would come to dinner the couple times this week because I would invite her.
Now I realize I'm just hurting myself.

She selfishly destroyed her family. I don't really want to reconcile, I do want justice or at the very least, acknowledgement.
But as far as boundaries, there aren't any....not until I move next week.
 
#16 ·
I was wayward in my first marriage and have battled addiction.

The truth is that many addicts who get clean find another addiction. You know, the AA guy who smokes like a chimney and can't live without soda or coffee?

Affairs are addictive. She swapped the chemical heroin high for the natural brain chemistry high she gets from other men. Google infatuation/ limerence and affairs. There's tons of info available that explains the high.

She has to vilify you. No one will give her sympathy and attention if she doesn't.
 
#20 ·
Let that go... that skirmish will take unnecessary mindful casualties. It would be wise to extract yourself from the front for now.

She has shown you how she will fight, learn from it.

In the Infantry we often trained to do a "high-speed delay"... things were not going well and we needed to back up and regroup but slow the opposing force down so we wouldn't be overrun.

Thicken the skin, follow the 180, who she now is will not surprise you anymore.

Perhaps you should consider cancelling the horrid apartment and put the money into the lawyer...
 
#30 ·
She can't make you leave. You can agree to leave, but do not do that until you have it in writing that you are receiving half of the family income until the divorce is final. Because YOU have to provide a decent place for your child, too. Your child now has TWO homes, and both should be of equal quality.

And listen to EleGirl about the lease and money. She knows what she's talking about.

Oh, and take your valuable stuff to a friend's house for safekeeping.
 
#32 ·
Sorry for all the posts... I'm writing things as they come to mind...

Your major focus here needs to be your daughter. Right now she needs a strong parent to protect her. You wife is probably not only 'crazy' with you. And you have no idea how she is treating your daughter when they are alone.

So take care of yourself. Get physically and mentally strong. Your daughter needs you more than ever now and going forward.
 
#33 ·
@Hexagon, her leaving the way she did, bringing people with her because she's "scared you might attack her", saying the things she says about you.. that you're paranoid etc.... I'd be worried were I you. She could be setting you up for domestic violence charges. Everyone she's spoken to, who have come with her, and so on would likely testify for her because they have no reason not to believe her.

Keep witnesses around and get that VAR to cover your ass, just in case.
 
#34 ·
@Hexagon, her leaving the way she did, bringing people with her because she's "scared you might attack her", saying the things she says about you.. that you're paranoid etc.... I'd be worried were I you. She could be setting you up for domestic violence charges. Everyone she's spoken to, who have come with her, and so on would likely testify for her because they have no reason not to believe her.

Keep witnesses around and get that VAR to cover your ass, just in case.
 
#35 ·
Leaving the home is such a delicate matter. Part of it, maybe most of it, is due to her being a bully about it. I know if I stand my ground on this, I agree to make things harder on myself. And not just her bothering me or the landlord harassing me about it.
I'm talking retaliation and the memories.
The more I stand my ground on this, the more she turns up the heat on her end.

I have to say I'm actually frightened. My plan was to have the landlord come inspect the place before I leave. Also, I have to consider what she is now capable of. Sometimes the accusations can do just as much damage as actually doing whatever it is you're being accused of.
In my opinion, at least until I've read some of the responses, is that the pros of leaving outweigh the cons.
I'll be in a new home she doesn't have access to.
She can't freely come and go.
Etc.
She won't have access to anything any more.

If I stay and stand my ground, I have nothing really to gain. She will have the utilities that are not in my name shut off, she will stop paying rent which I cannot afford, etc. If i made a little more, I would stay.

Something to take into consideration is, I have my daughter considerably more than she does.
The schedule goes like this.

Thursday night I get my daughter at 7pm.
I have her all night and get her up and ready for daycare on friday.
After work, I pick her up and have her all night.
Saturday I have her all day until 5 and then every other saturday, she goes with her mom at 5 and she stays until 6 pm the next day.
OR
I have her sat night as well as all day sunday.
Sunday I have her all night
Monday I get her ready for day care and shes there until I get off of work. I pick her up and shes with me all night.
Tuesday I get her up, take her to day care and her mother picks her up and keeps her until thursday.
So:
Thrus, Frid, sat (all day and every other sat night), sunday, monday, and tuesday morning.
The only day I don't have her in some capacity is wed.

The move is inevitible, I was just thinking that the sooner I get out of here and let her have this place, the sooner I can get on with my life.
She wants to be single and do it on her own as a 31 year old, she can.

Also, Indiana has Spousal Maintenance in the super rare case but no alimony.
 
#36 ·
I very much agree with leaving the house. It's a rental you can't afford AND she both has access and is acting suspiciously. It would be different if it was a home you owned and marital property or if she could accuse you of abandonment and use that against you in custody proceedings. However, it is a rental you can't afford and you have custody a lot of the time.

I'd caution you to get your custody agreement in writing and signed by a judge, get the landlord to sign off on the condition of the house, get removed from the lease, and make sure your protected from legal liability before you move.
 
#45 ·
Go take pictures of every room TODAY from multiple angles and make sure they are date/time stamped on the front.

You cannot trust anyone but YOURSELF to protect you with facts.
 
#46 · (Edited)
I agree this. I have said recently that the safest hands are my own.
I would also like to say thank you for the many posts offering advice. When discussing things like this with friends and family, there is so much noise (advice from those that would "like" to help but don't really).

Going with the 180. Its exactly what I needed and will implement it post haste.

I will say that the comment that she is not my friend and I was actually in love with someone that doesn't exist hit hard. Reality is perception and for some time, she was exactly what I wanted in a woman (affair aside of course).
As I look through the sites, the threads here, watch the videos, etc, I am in the same place with the same questions that so many others have. As irrelevant as it may or may not be, "how can someone profess their love and admiration for you one day and then be so unbelievably cruel the next?" is still stuck in my head. I cannot wrap my head around it. I cannot comprehend that kind of monster.
And it's not just me. When a spouse cheats, in my opinion, its not the spouse they just cheat on. They cheat on their families as well.
My parents divorced when I was 9 and from that time period on, I wanted a family. This was as close as I got to it.
And yes, those red flags where there, I just made excuses for them. She was funny, pretty, the sex was good, a decent mom, and "acted" as if we were friends.

I keep asking why. Not "Why did she do this" but why didn't I see it? Shortly after her first affair I said to myself that my daughter deserves to have 2 parents in the same home. All marriages have problems, who is to say they have to be the same problem?
Now here I am, regretting everything.

At least I'm no longer scared of what I would say if she asked me back. Before I would have said yes under the perfect circumstances. I couldn't do that now. The ship has sailed. However, it sure would have been nice to have been better prepared. I believed everything.
What hurts the most is remembering her holding me 2 months ago telling me to never worry about our marriage because I wanted to talk about her first affair, "I'm not going anywhere baby".


I just found out that our court date has been pushed back to July 5th. She now knows I have an attorney. The next couple days will be interesting.
I'm going to do the 180 like a fanatic.
 
#48 ·
Something else I would like to point out; I know I'm not qualified to diagnose her as being a narcissist. With that being said, her grandfather did similar things as far as cheating on her grandmother. A serial cheater who treated her grandmother poorly.
Her mother did almost the exact same thing to her father with a couple affairs then turning on him like a rabid dog.
Now, I am dealing with it.
This is a learned behavior. My long term goal is to teach my daughter differently.

Again, you guys/girls have been so helpful.
 
#50 ·
@Hexagon, it's fine that she knows you have a lawyer. Honestly, you should never be without one. Never be without legal representation. I don't care how amicably you think a dispute may be or turn out (and I'm not just talking about this case, but any in your future). Never agree to anything significant that includes inherent "risk" (financial, bodily, otherwise) or liability that is not in writing and signed.

Some people really don't want to live life this way, but it's in their best interest to require these things, for their own protection. It's like an insurance policy - better to have and not need than to need and not have.
 
#51 · (Edited)
The smear campaign of hers is trying. I was never a big facebook person but now when I open it, its a slander fest. Shes blocked me but we still have mutual friends.
"you look so much happier without him" or "happy you're away from him and whatever *****es hes got, he can cause his drama with them".

What the hell? Its unbelievable. I had to contact her last night because I learned that on one of the only two days she has our daughter, she goes out or goes to meet the OM after he gets off work around 10p.m.
I just said, "if you're leaving or going out, please bring our daughter to me".
-"OMG I am so sick of your BS. Don't you worry about what I"M doing. She is taken care of. I need you to go away".

Perhaps this was my biggest mistake of the day because she blew up. The smallest discussion or conversation drains me and damn near ruins my day. It doesn't matter what its about. She has become cruel, hateful, and condescending.
She loves to remind me that "its over" and my "paranoia is too much" even when the topic is about something else.
A good example is that I've noticed changes in our daughter. They are emotional changes. Shes sensitive now and cries easily.
When bringing this to her attention it causes backlash, "what do you want me to do? Come back home and crawl into f'ing bed? I don't know what YOU don't understand. WE ARE DONE! Your paranoia pushed me over the edge and you need help. GO GET IT while you're still under MY insurance that you don't have to pay for".
Or discussing shoes for our daughter...
"Those shoes you told me to have her wear are too small I think. She didn't complain but they left blisters while we were at the park".
-"Jesus I didn't say to have them on her the entire f'ing time. F'ing problem solve".
"But they weren't on her the entire......."
-"OMG shut the **** up".

This was the woman who professed that I was a great husband and she couldn't be happier 7 weeks ago.
 
#53 ·
Stop talking to her about this stuff. She lives with her parents, right? So someone is watching your daughter when she goes out.

The shoes. If the shoes are too small, then take your daughter to buy a new pair.

What were the shoes made out of? If they were not leather or canvas, they are probably some sort of plastic. They will cause sweating and blisters even if they are not too small. So socks (or anklets) are needed with that type of shoe.

Say as little as possible to your stbx. Solve things with your daughter on your own. If she is reacting as you say, then she is clearly over dramatizing everything.

On the topic of people bad mouthing you on Facebook, one thing that divorces do is that they will show you who your friends are. Anyone who is on Facebook badmouthing you is not your friend, block them. Do not read that nonsense.

When controlling people can no longer control you, they will try to control what others think of you. That is what she is doing.

Someone told you to take pictures of your house before leaving. Do it inside and out. While it's a good idea of make sure that the date/time on the camera is accurate, also go and buy a news paper. Hold up the news paper in some of the pictures to get a good picture of the front page and the date on the page. That will prove that you did not falsify the date on the photos.

I have read that video is even better than photos because it shows better one moment in time moving around the room.

Have a friend with you when you do this is good so that you can also get pictures of your witness that you did not leave anything damaged.

Having the landlord inspect is a good idea on top of the images.
 
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