Hello all
My wife and I are both 30 years old. We dated for 5 years and have been married for about 1.5 years. We have no children.
Married life has been a rocky road for both of us. Prior to marriage, we have never lived together before so I think that’s why a lot of problems have surfaced. Our lifestyles and expectations seem a lot more different than we expected which created a lot of heated arguments, examples would be:
- I am satisfied with staying home on a weekend; whereas she always wants to go out to places
- I am ok with the bare basics in life; whereas she wants a flashier lifestyle (i.e. luxurious cars, going to formal balls)
- I treat us both as equals; whereas she WANTS to treat me as superior because she wants a very capable husband in terms of career, appearance, etc. Unfortunately she sees me as inferior, especially when she compares me with some of her really capable friends. I can confidently say that my qualities are above average (this is backed up by family/friends from both sides), though I am not the best.
Intimacy has always been an issue. We did the whole deed many times before marriage, but the problem was that I could never finish inside her. This hurt both of us emotionally: she thinks she’s not attractive and I’m wondering if I’m attracted to her. Regardless we still proceeded to marriage, hoping it would get fixed naturally. We haven’t been intimate lately and I think that’s a big source of the issue. Both her and I feel stressed when we initiate because we both know we’ll feel terrible if I don’t finish. And I find it even more difficult to finish under this stress…
She’s moved out for the past few days to live with her family to get some time alone. At night, I really miss having her sleeping by my side. During the day, I really miss coming home and seeing her. I care for her very much.
My wife, on the other hand, seems to also care for me very much. However, my instincts tell me that her attraction level to me has decreased quite a bit since we first met. She’s the faithful type and I do not think she’s having an affair.
Lately, we’ve been getting into serious discussions on separating, even to the point of asking “ok, let’s say IF we really separate, what’s going to happen to this home? Do we sell it and split the proceeds?”.
I’m really torn on what to do. The logical part of me is telling me to call it quits because it's not working out. The emotional part of me is telling me to stay and work this out because I really want her by my side and all marriages have their own problems to be dealt with. I believe that even if it comes to a separation, I will be really hurt, but I will heal given time.
My WORST fear now is calling it quits when this marriage can actually be saved. I really don’t want to jump the gun as I have a history of doing so (passing judgements/conclusions too soon). A divorce is legally described as an irretrievable breakdown of marriage. How do you decide if the breakdown is indeed irretrievable?
Thanks for any help.
My wife and I are both 30 years old. We dated for 5 years and have been married for about 1.5 years. We have no children.
Married life has been a rocky road for both of us. Prior to marriage, we have never lived together before so I think that’s why a lot of problems have surfaced. Our lifestyles and expectations seem a lot more different than we expected which created a lot of heated arguments, examples would be:
- I am satisfied with staying home on a weekend; whereas she always wants to go out to places
- I am ok with the bare basics in life; whereas she wants a flashier lifestyle (i.e. luxurious cars, going to formal balls)
- I treat us both as equals; whereas she WANTS to treat me as superior because she wants a very capable husband in terms of career, appearance, etc. Unfortunately she sees me as inferior, especially when she compares me with some of her really capable friends. I can confidently say that my qualities are above average (this is backed up by family/friends from both sides), though I am not the best.
Intimacy has always been an issue. We did the whole deed many times before marriage, but the problem was that I could never finish inside her. This hurt both of us emotionally: she thinks she’s not attractive and I’m wondering if I’m attracted to her. Regardless we still proceeded to marriage, hoping it would get fixed naturally. We haven’t been intimate lately and I think that’s a big source of the issue. Both her and I feel stressed when we initiate because we both know we’ll feel terrible if I don’t finish. And I find it even more difficult to finish under this stress…
She’s moved out for the past few days to live with her family to get some time alone. At night, I really miss having her sleeping by my side. During the day, I really miss coming home and seeing her. I care for her very much.
My wife, on the other hand, seems to also care for me very much. However, my instincts tell me that her attraction level to me has decreased quite a bit since we first met. She’s the faithful type and I do not think she’s having an affair.
Lately, we’ve been getting into serious discussions on separating, even to the point of asking “ok, let’s say IF we really separate, what’s going to happen to this home? Do we sell it and split the proceeds?”.
I’m really torn on what to do. The logical part of me is telling me to call it quits because it's not working out. The emotional part of me is telling me to stay and work this out because I really want her by my side and all marriages have their own problems to be dealt with. I believe that even if it comes to a separation, I will be really hurt, but I will heal given time.
My WORST fear now is calling it quits when this marriage can actually be saved. I really don’t want to jump the gun as I have a history of doing so (passing judgements/conclusions too soon). A divorce is legally described as an irretrievable breakdown of marriage. How do you decide if the breakdown is indeed irretrievable?
Thanks for any help.