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Wife Moving Out Today - Wants "Space" To See If Anything Still There

9K views 48 replies 33 participants last post by  jlg07 
#1 ·
Hey folks....I am new here and have only read a handful of threads.

My wife told me on April 21st that she has "met someone else" and isn't sure if she wants to work on the marriage. I have been discussing this with her and doing the classic bad behaviors trying to change her mind. Today she is moving to a lease nearby to "get space" to see her affair partner. It is a guy she works with and has known for about 9 years. He has been showing her attention and I have been pretty distant running all of my businesses and working full time.

We went to a marriage retreat that specializes in affairs last weekend and at the end of it she said it was probable she'd move back at some point. We have been arguing constantly about her ending the affair and she can't shake it lose and/or doesn't want to.

She has been bringing up everything I have done wrong for the last 16 years as an excuse to justify her actions. I have started dating other people at her request so I guess that helps her justify her behavior too.

I could literally write a novel about what has happened of late, but I am sure this is like many other scenarios. She has a toxic mother that has a similar relationship with her dad. Her mother constantly plants the notion that if Prince Charming ever came along to sweep her off her feet she'd leave her husband in a heartbeat. My wife also has a lot of friends that are "separated" or divorced that plant ideas in her head.

My wife filed for divorce a few weeks ago and we stopped the hearing to get a mutual temporary restraining order so we can't drain bank accounts, etc. My position has been to not give up on my family and to wait things out while dating other people and moving on with my life.

Any thoughts/comments? I can add more information if needed, but the post is already getting pretty long.
 
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#8 ·
Expose her at work!
And provided that "Prince Charming" is married, he needs to have his cheating a$$ exposed to his W and family immediately!
 
#3 ·
She has already moved out.
Have you exposed her affair to HER parents and yours?
Does your kids know, if you have kids of teen-age years?
Go to corp HR dept or her boss (unless she's banging her boss - go to people above him) and EXPOSE the affair.

You cannot NICE her back. Yes, her telling you to DATE others was to justify her actions. To soften the blow.
Screw her mother and her friends... divorce her quick.

Waiting things out? You're only half doing it. Okay, you are dating others. You filed divorce papers, you are free to do what you want.
So expose, date and look up "180" - SurvivingInfidelity.com - Frequently Asked Questions for the Betrayed Spouse (the rest of the site seems kind of pro-waywards)

She is gone. She has moved out. OM will be spending many nights there.

But also filing for D means that alimony could be effected if she is not working. If your state doesn't do alimony, then perhaps expose - get the other man (OM or POSOM) fired.
Is the OM married? If so, why haven't you located him and his wife?


At this time, she is not moving out to THINK about you. She is moving out so she doesn't have to pretend around you. A easier to have sex in a bed, rather than the car, broom closet, his desk, stair-well, etc.

With such toxic friends, you have a much harder battle. If one of my friends was cheating, he or she would get an ear full from me. Your wife doesn't have friends or a mother with morals.

Best bet. divorce quickly.

PS: You didn't give up your position on your family. Your wife stabbed you in the back and kicked you out of the throne, leaving you to bleed out on the floor.

Date women to find a better women. Don't GET a girlfriend for a year or more. Go to the gym, lose weight, get new clothes. So do short-term relationships... NSA. FWB. Oh, and get therapy.

Don't take your wife back. After a year or so, and after the divorce - if she come crawling back to you - then consider taking her back. But now, you are dating women while waiting for your wife to call and say "Im sorry - can I come home?" and you will dump whoever you are dating.

Also, go to stripper joints. See some new flesh.

Good luck!
 
#4 ·
You have been doing the "Pick Me! Dance" and have been letting her call all the shots.

Time to grow your balls back and do what you want to do and what is best for you without regards to anything she wants.

Take your life back. Get a pitbull divorce attorney and get everything out of the divorce that you possibly can and then carry on with your life to the fullest with any regard to her.

Once you stop chasing her and stop doing the Pick Me Dance, you will quickly realize that she was pretty toxic in a variety of other areas of your life and that life without her will be much simpler, easier, less chaotic and less exasperating.

Sure, there may be a lonely night or two in the beginning, but once she is out of your airspace, you will soon find that there is also some peace and tranquility that wasn't there before. And now you will be able to do the things you want to do without having to cater to her and her whims and issues.

Someone that was that over the top with an affair, has surely been a problem child in other regards to your married life, so now you can be free of that and able to do your own thing.

Take stock in how you want to live your life and leave her fading away in your rearview mirror.

6 months or a year from now, your regret will be that you have wasted 2 months of your life chasing after her and trying to get her to pick you.
 
#5 ·
You're dating other people? WTH? You sure don't seem to really care to save the marriage much.

The only way to save a marriage is to give them what they want. Expose the cheating to her parents and siblings, tell them that you'd rather stay married, go to MC with her, and if she still doesn't want to after 6 months, you'd gladly help her, but that it's not fair for her to make this decision when there's another man in the picture. If he is her superior at work, expose to the workplace, too. Then sit back and let her blather on about how mad she is, how she WAS going to pick you but you ruined it, yada yada. Ignore it all. Let the exposure do its job.

I know this seems counterintuitive, but exposure's about the only way to save a marriage - to shine light on the cheating and make them make a choice: save their dignity and dump him or tell everyone to go to hell and run to him. It's a gamble, but it's a 50/50 gamble, whereas you're 95% divorced right now.
 
#9 ·
The affair partner is not married, but I could expose she, her affair partner, and her supervisor at work. Her supervisor is also chasing her and kissed her on the cheek after she took her wedding rings off.

We have three children that are 7, 4, and 4 (twins). My main concern is losing half time with them in a divorce and that is why I have been suffering through this drama with her.
 
#10 ·
The divorce has been filed, cut your best deal and get her out of your life. Trying to save a marriage for the sake of kids is almost always a long term mistake.

Odds are her affair will end at some point, they rarely last and she may try and come back but that's only because you provide security, plan b. It's a general statement but once a woman falls out of love they don't ever rekindle those feelings. You've tried to nice her back and played her game, look where it's gotten you. Time to cut ties with her.
 
#11 ·
At this point do not expose her at work. Your marriage is over. If you expose her at work she will most likely be fired. Then you will be paying her a lot of spousal support until she gets a new job.

Look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below. Start interacting with her pre the 180.
 
#34 ·
At this point do not expose her at work. Your marriage is over. If you expose her at work she will most likely be fired. Then you will be paying her a lot of spousal support until she gets a new job.
THIS. PLAY IT SMART BRO. DON'T SHOOT FROM THE HIP.

As so VERY tempting it is to blow her world up work, it could easily blow back up in your face financially.

Never sling mud if you're not prepared to get some mud on yourself. It's not worth the 5 minutes of satisfaction.

You've already won. This sloot exwife is moving out of YOUR house AND now your free to find a quality woman.
 
#13 ·
You need her to have a job, so be careful. Definitely expose to family though, you want them on your side.

Let her go, this isn't something you can come back from and be normal again. You are now free to start dating and hooking up with other women. Enjoy it. Date multiple women at the same time. Don't get serious with the first one. Glass half full! Life is a journey of learning from your mistakes. Learn from this and make your life even better.
 
#14 ·
Her family already knows about everything. I did that exposure months ago.

I have already been with another person and let my wife know about it yesterday. She was clearly pretty upset and tried to act like she wasn't. Yesterday was a bad day with her moving out.

I know it is probably over, but I still love her. She says she wants this year to figure out what she wants and if we can make us work. She has a long list of stuff she wants me to work on and I have been seeing a therapist.

As long as we're both seeing other people I don't really see the point in divorcing. We're intending to wait a year to make a decision. I'll see other people as will she and we'll still see each other. The separation has been quite amicable. We fight all the time now with her at my house so it is probably good she is leaving. She tried to get me to leave for a long time and I refused so she decided to move out.

My goal is still to reconcile....yeah, I may be a chump, but she is the love of my life and the mother of my kids. She really is a good person and has never done anything like this before. We just grew apart and the ground was fertile for something like this to happen. That doesn't excuse it, but I can understand how it happened.
 
#15 ·
I know it is probably over, but I still love her. She says she wants this year to figure out what she wants and if we can make us work. She has a long list of stuff she wants me to work on and I have been seeing a therapist.
She wants a year to try out the new guy. She'll get back to you if she decides to keep him.

In the meantime just keep busy with that list, it'll keep you out of her hair.
 
#19 ·
Whats good for the goose is good for the gander!

Don't be suprised when after shes out for awhile you relise you didn't love her as much as you thought! And after the new guy realises shes a ***** shes tries to rekindle and your like I'm hmmm I've been thinking ... sorry hon but I'm good.

Or At least I hope thats how it works out for you.
 
#20 ·
I totally agree that it is selfish for each of us to date others while the marriage is still in tact. I have been very up front with the girl I am seeing though.

The affair partner for my wife is 49 (she is 37) and has never been married and doesn't have any kids. The likelihood that he will want to raise 3 of someone else's kids is very low.

I found out that my wife's mom had an affair for a year with someone from work when she was young. She ended up ending the affair after she figured that it wouldn't be helpful for the kids. Her dad cheated on her mom and her brother cheated on his ex wife. My wife also had her twin sister cheat on her with her boyfriend when she was 15. So there is a history of cheating in their family. My wife also hangs around people that are bad influences and encourage behavior like this.

The woman I am married to is a different person that the one I married 12 years ago and started dating 16 years ago. It is very sad. She is seeing Rick Reynolds from Affair Recovery as a therapist starting in July.

I am really still in a milder fog than I was in a few months ago. Mood stabilizers are helping, but things really are settling down a lot now. Her moving out is causing things to be less volatile.

It would be great to work on the marriage, but I have done 95% of the work to date. If she won't work on it I don't really know that the effort is worth it right now. I still want to be married to her and to keep our family together, but it seems like seeing other people casually may be the best bad option for me right now given my goals. Hopefully she'll snap out of the fog and things will have chance to get back to normal some day. I do worry about this happening again in the future though.
 
#26 ·
Wife Moving Out Today - Wants "Space" To See If Anything Still There

I totally agree that it is selfish for each of us to date others while the marriage is still in tact. I have been very up front with the girl I am seeing though.



The affair partner for my wife is 49 (she is 37) and has never been married and doesn't have any kids. The likelihood that he will want to raise 3 of someone else's kids is very low.



I found out that my wife's mom had an affair for a year with someone from work when she was young. She ended up ending the affair after she figured that it wouldn't be helpful for the kids. Her dad cheated on her mom and her brother cheated on his ex wife. My wife also had her twin sister cheat on her with her boyfriend when she was 15. So there is a history of cheating in their family. My wife also hangs around people that are bad influences and encourage behavior like this.



The woman I am married to is a different person that the one I married 12 years ago and started dating 16 years ago. It is very sad. She is seeing Rick Reynolds from Affair Recovery as a therapist starting in July.



I am really still in a milder fog than I was in a few months ago. Mood stabilizers are helping, but things really are settling down a lot now. Her moving out is causing things to be less volatile.



It would be great to work on the marriage, but I have done 95% of the work to date. If she won't work on it I don't really know that the effort is worth it right now. I still want to be married to her and to keep our family together, but it seems like seeing other people casually may be the best bad option for me right now given my goals. Hopefully she'll snap out of the fog and things will have chance to get back to normal some day. I do worry about this happening again in the future though.

She's not going to do any of the work because she doesn't care. This whole getting back together thing is just stringing you along so that :

1: She has a Plan B
2. She can feel good about herself

Her actions support this

Go get your lawyer on this. No doubt she has plans of having this loser around the kids. This is not healthy and you need to be able to atleast partially dictate how it happens.
 
#22 ·
Now do not be a schmuck. Call HR at her company and get the lot of them fired. In order to save your marriage be prepared to blow it up. Next, get in the AP's face. Nothing frightens like an irate husband with nothing left to lose. Assure the son of a ***** that you will ensure that he will not be able to have sexual congress with anyone after he picks his balls out of his *******. Do it in a public place, let everyone know in that place that he fu cked your wife. That should make his life interesting. Strand up, be a man, tell the wife that her affair is over, and move the **** back in, or you are gone. Tell her that you are no longer a schmuck and you will not put up with her antics, in other words move it or lose it, *****!
 
#24 ·
Wait I maybe wrong.

You take the blame for everything. Do the "pic me dance". Work real hard at making excuses for her. Work on yourself with the list she gave you while she moving closer to her lover boy to screw him for the next year to decide whether she wants to keep you or not?

Nah, you're not a chump. You're a super chump.

You really do need to wake up.
 
#28 ·
As I sit here stunned at all that the OP has written, I have to say it is amazing that he has a GF that he has been honest with about the situation and she is perfectly fine hopping in bed with him when he is married and in love with his wife. There's a lot of high quality people out there I guess if he found someone like this in less than two months. Lovely.
 
#30 ·
She made her decision to have the affair and leave you without any warning at all. Let her pay for it now. Expose her to all family and friends and assure that you have her come across as the monster she is. You did all the right things back giving her an opportunity to come back and go on that retreat with her. You didn't have to, but you did anyway. Even after that she decided not to change her mind...fine.

You shouldn't see anybody till after the divorce is over. Seeing someone while she is with her OM is definitely sending the wrong message to the kids, now she can sort of justify what she did. This will only benefit her in divorce court. End this relationship immediately.

Now is the time you have to do a complete 180 on her. No contact at all except for communication regarding the kids. Hire the biggest nastiest men's rights attorney you can and go after her with guns blazing. She's really asked for it.
 
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#31 ·
wow, I didn't know that taking a break from marriage and allowing your wife to openly affair around was allowed.

It's sad how you have an open door for her to come back at some point.

What do you plan to do if you meet someone who actually gives a crap about you ?

You are playing this all wrong. Your wife is a cheat, she's been cheating longer than April 21 and you keep her on the hook 'while dating other people' which is wrong on so many levels. Take the high ground and dump her and move on with your life. She already filed for divorce. Keep that going and then she can own her toxic friends but stop the dating around and stop that door from remaining open for her.
 
#36 ·
Think yourself lucky she told you up front and move on and dont look back!!!! Most of us dont find out about the other person until further down the road.

Nothing you can do but carry on without her it sucks but its reality.

My XW sat on the fence for a while and I didn't find out about other guy until just before we finalized the D so prior to that she left me thinking it was all my fault and as your wife has done brought up a lot of BS from the past. if its meant to be she will come back if you even want her at that point and figure it out but there is not a thing you can do in the mean time.

My XW also had a bunch of separated and divorced friends all Living the dream on social media but hating life in person but always put on an act in public
 
#38 ·
I stuck around until I confirmed there was someone else and then and only then did my dignity and pride take over.
That is when I decided to stop all contact permanently unless it had to do with our son. I was in no shape to date then or now....not sure how you can. I think I did go on one date to a movie early on but it just felt as if I was cheating on my wife(odd I know) Any women that is o.k knowing that you are married and are willing to go back to your wife at anytime can't be much of a catch. You need to dump her and start divorce proceedings. To me I can only describe what I went through as a sudden death of a loved one. Time is your only friend....7 months in and we just signed and I have been at the bank for an hour and a half changing all the accounts to my name, and I'm still floored it happened after 17 years......but I did nothing wrong. I need to remember that, I was a good husband and I am a good father. Time and ignoring her is the only way to go. That person you loved is dead....period!
 
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