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Married 3 weeks, then it all ended

6K views 46 replies 22 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Title states it all, married 3 weeks. Everything seemed perfect, and was going well. One day at work she was acting somewhat distant. So, I called her (assuming she was just upset about changing her last name to mine because none of her records match) and asked if everything is alright. She replied with yes so I went back on with my work day. Decided to leave work early cause it was her off day and figured she could use me around the house and noticed a facebook message that read "I need to tell you something, I saw a therapist day, and Im not happy anymore". So I calmly replied with I will be here to help and talk if need be. So, when she finally gets home, she tells me she needs to be alone, like alone alone where I'm not in there picture. At this point, Im very confused as I hadnt done anything. So, fast forward two weeks Ive moved out, let her keep the place so my son can still keep his home. She tells me she doesnt see us getting back together. Has told me that Im not the issue and thats it her. That she didnt want to get married, and figured getting married might fill the void she feels. More details arise as days go on, but to me what it boils down to is she was having second thoughts about being in a relationship. She's told me that shes been in something with another man since the age of 14, and has never just been by herself. Shes 24 now, and has always lived with her boyfriends over the years. So, yes I can somewhat understand the need to be alone since you really havent most of your life, but to do this AFTER we get married? We've been a couple off an on for 5 years now. More on than off though. She has since told me that something I had said a few months back tipped her over the edge and that I was the one who put the nail in the coffin. Ive changed drastically over the past 6 months to give her everything she wants or needs and putting myself last. We've been apart before, so this isnt new, but its never felt permanent. She says she wants to work on her personal happiness and cant do that with me in the picture. Im terrified I dont get to wake up next to her anymore or hold her hand or make any more memories together. She said she doesn't want a divorce, but that could also just be her trying to go easier on my since this all came out of left field to begin with. Im just scared, because my marriage means the world to me, but it doesnt seem like she wants to ever have it back the way it was.
 
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#2 ·
Hey friend.

I'm new here, drawn by a similar situation (my thread is in the same forum) and really can't offer much in the way of answers. I don't have the wisdom or experience that some of the guys here do, but I can see echoes of what you're going through in my own relationship with my wife - although we got to six months.

My wife has also never been alone having jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend to me, through boyfriend, fiancé, partner and finally husband. She began talk therapy again recently and although she has strong BPD traits which means I didn't get so much as a one sentence explanation before she told me she was done and ghosted me, I do wonder what the therapy dredged up and made her feel.

In your case, it's possible the issues she discussed in therapy unearthed a deep sadness and perhaps a lack of identity, and perhaps her relative youth has caused her to question everything about herself. Her relative youth could also explain why she has taken the easy way out, as emotional maturity and the desire to make rational, well rounded decisions takes a lot of integrity and empathy.

How has your relationship been in general? When you say on and off, what causes the off times and what or who brings you back together? Do you have any feelings in regard your roles you both play in the relationship?
 
#11 ·
I've played a role in us being apart before that's for sure. It's always been something I've worked on for the better. Hence why this is all out of left Field. She showed some cold before prior to the marriage but told me not to stress it, she'll be fine. Guess she was wrong.
 
#4 ·
She's a nutcase.

Save yourself. See an attorney yesterday and protect your assets, property and resources so she doesn't empty out whatever accounts she has access to and disappears.

Don't let her talk you into waiting on the shelf for her to straighten herself out.

Take a hardline 'all-in-or-all-out' stand on this.

Either she goes 'all-in' and remains in the marriage and in the home and continues to live as a married husband and wife while she goes to the shrink and gets treated by a competent professional for whatever disorder(s) she has.

Or you immediately file for divorce, protect yourself and your assets and your relationship with your son and you move on with your own life leaving her to her own issues behind.

One or the other. Do not get roped into some purgatory or limbo in between where you are sitting at home smoking on the Hopium pipe while she is out living it up in the single life while she still is on your insurance plan and is still tapping into marital funds to support her single, care free lifestyle.

In or out. One or the other. Nothing in between.
 
#10 ·
I need to listen to this but I know I won't. I'm even paying the bills for the next month so she can get a head start on the bills while I sleep on a buddies couch. This obviously hasn't been easy on me and she comes across like she doesn't care at all
 
#6 ·
Better now than later.

You must have seen this side of her?

She is unstable? Has she always been this way?

I believe she is being honest. But Jeez!, could she not have called off the wedding?

Is she on anti-anxiety medications? Has she gotten off of them? Changed the daily dosage?
 
#13 ·
Yes, get the marriage annulled. What a joke. Definitely don't fight to save this marriage. Get it in your head, she is a train wreck and will only hurt you. Keep the annulment as conflict free as possible. You two will need to co-parent for the next 15 years, so give her what she wants and protect yourself.
 
#14 ·
She married you under false pretenses and made lifelong promises which she has broken after just 3 weeks and had no intention of keeping. She sounds very immature and selfish. I am sorry that your poor child will be so hurt, but that's what happens when you have a selfish immature mother.

My advice, go back to you home and be with your son. If she wants to be alone, she can leave without your child.
 
#17 ·
She has since told me that something I had said a few months back tipped her over the edge and that I was the one who put the nail in the coffin. Ive changed drastically over the past 6 months to give her everything she wants
What did you say that was so edge jumping?

Why did you need to change "drastically"?

Why the on again, off again relationship over the years?
 
#21 ·
She has since told me that something I had said a few months back tipped her over the edge and that I was the one who put the nail in the coffin. Ive changed drastically over the past 6 months to give her everything she wants
What did you say that was so edge jumping?

Why did you need to change "drastically"?

Why the on again, off again relationship over the years?
To her, I insulted her intelligence

I changed drastically because I apparently had a ton of flaws she didn't care for

The on again off again was because my ex made it very difficult to see my oldest child if I was with my wife I have now. So I would break it out to get more time with my son
 
#24 ·
Why did you leave the house/

1. move back in and stay in a separate bedroom, she wants you out, then she can move out!
2. Can you get some form of legal aid or go see some organisation that gives free advice about your rights
3. Work on yourself and spend time with your kid
4. Go online and draw up a separation agreement, that satisfies you both, about watching child, paying expenses
5. Stop funding her, pay half the bills, tell her to go get a job asap
6. Check out divorce requirements in your state
7. Do the 180 for yourself, to emotionally detach

There is no point in hanging on to someone who doesn't want you in their life, you cannot nice her back into the marriage at all.
 
#25 ·
What is the 180? I see it mentioned here a few times. I am working on myself though and building a stronger relationship with my son. I know nicing her back isn't going to work though. I moved out Saturday morning yet she's wanted me here the last two nights. I'm typing this out from the front porch as she leaves for work. She had a job, but I definitely make more money than she does. We've talked about what would happen with the child and I'm satisfied with that. I can see what my options are as far as cheap or some kind of free aid. I am in the US and in Ohio specifically
 
#27 ·
She told me I insulted her intelligence, I don't see where and she couldn't give me what I said or really when I said it. She said she had second thoughts before the wedding, but what ever statement I made, sent her over the edge. I don't know really, she contradicts herself constantly
 
#30 ·
To be fair, what she has said is extremely common. Girls latch onto boys around 14 because it's what we're raised to believe is normal. And girls being the less dominant sex, we tend to be less confrontational, to do whatever the guy wants, to not speak up, to basically turn ourselves into a 'fake' version of ourselves to please (and keep) the guy. As we get older, we continue this pattern of needing to have a guy and not ever really getting to know who we are. And then we often go straight to marriage, STILL never knowing who we really are, whether we can stand up all by ourselves without a guy around. And oddly enough, it's around age 24 to 25 that our brains finish fully developing and we start to feel like we really CAN take care of ourselves, we don't need a man to do it. At the same time, we're starting to get decent jobs and don't need financial support quite as much. The need for a male 'protector' fades and we start to wonder who the hell we are. And when the guy is 5 years older than her, that's exactly what she was doing - seeking a father figure to protect her.

Now, assuming she hasn't met someone else (did you check her phone records?), it's possible to salvage the marriage at this point by allowing her to live life on her own for now, let her make her own decisions, pay her own bills, fix her own flat tire, so to speak. If you can continue to respect her needs, be a good dad, and let her work through this, it's possible she'll get it out of her system and love you even more for respecting her enough to do this.

If she's never shown any previous signs of being a selfish biotch, I'd say you have a 50/50 chance of working out.
 
#32 ·
To be fair, what she has said is extremely common. Girls latch onto boys around 14 because it's what we're raised to believe is normal. And girls being the less dominant sex, we tend to be less confrontational, to do whatever the guy wants, to not speak up, to basically turn ourselves into a 'fake' version of ourselves to please (and keep) the guy. As we get older, we continue this pattern of needing to have a guy and not ever really getting to know who we are. And then we often go straight to marriage, STILL never knowing who we really are, whether we can stand up all by ourselves without a guy around. And oddly enough, it's around age 24 to 25 that our brains finish fully developing and we start to feel like we really CAN take care of ourselves, we don't need a man to do it. At the same time, we're starting to get decent jobs and don't need financial support quite as much. The need for a male 'protector' fades and we start to wonder who the hell we are. And when the guy is 5 years older than her, that's exactly what she was doing - seeking a father figure to protect her.

Now, assuming she hasn't met someone else (did you check her phone records?), it's possible to salvage the marriage at this point by allowing her to live life on her own for now, let her make her own decisions, pay her own bills, fix her own flat tire, so to speak. If you can continue to respect her needs, be a good dad, and let her work through this, it's possible she'll get it out of her system and love you even more for respecting her enough to do this.

If she's never shown any previous signs of being a selfish biotch, I'd say you have a 50/50 chance of working out.
Mrs Turner is right.

I hate it when women find out that they do not need you...I do, I do.

In reality, they do need something from you [or some man]. They need you [or some man] to make babies, and to make their toes curl when they get horny. The sum total of those needs is < 1 % percent of her waking hours. I hate this, I do, I do...
 
#36 ·
My buddy married us, he is an ordained minister. He's spoken to her about all of this (he was a mutual friend). At the time she just ignored him, well because I was annoying her with my constant begging to make this work. Perhaps if he spoke now since she isnt all heated over everything, he may get through to her.
 
#45 ·
So you're going to - what exactly? Keep hoping that at some point in the future she will change her mind and decide to come back to you? Keep yourself living in limbo for as long as it takes for her to kick you hard enough in the balls? What are you DOING here??

Go back home, tell HER to get the hell out, and she can leave your son there as well. Look up the 180 - here' I'll do that for you -

The 180 U Turn - Affaircare

And TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE.

Also get STD tested, and I hate to say it but you might want to DNA test your son as well. Sounds to me like she hasn't exactly been faithful over the years.
 
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