i feel so sad today...
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Old 01-20-2012, 06:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default i feel so sad today...

so i woke up with this feeling of sadness/emptiness today, i've come to realize that i have to let my wife go, there is nothing i can do to save our marriage because to save it 2 people are needed.... and i'm only one person.... she is in love with somebody else and suffers because she cant see him, i suffer because i love her and i'm losing her, i have decided to move out, it may take me up to 2 months to do it but i'm gonna do it.... i really need some support from you guys, because i know a lot of you are going or went thru similar situations...
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Old 01-20-2012, 07:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

That is sad.
Why can't she see him.
Do you have children?
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Old 01-20-2012, 07:32 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

Hi and sorry to hear you're going through this. In my situation, my wife is separating after nearly 7 years of marriage, but to my knowledge there is no other man. We have been separated for nearly 6 weeks. I cannot begin to imagine your personal situation and dynamics, but I can share what is helping me cope.

For several weeks I felt devastated, without hope, in a very dark place and was extremely sad. This forum has been a big help, along with actions.
  • See a counselor. This will allow you to unload your feelings with a safe person. Then you can begin beging to rebuild your strength. I did this last week and see my IC next Wednesday. She is amazing.
  • Exercise to work off the stress - it really helps.
  • See your family doctor and see about getting sleeping pills. They have helped me get much-needed rest.
  • Keep busy, keep busy, keep busy. See friends, read self-help books, be active, dive into a hobby or three.
  • Try not to be hard on yourself. As a friend told me, I am responsible for 50% of the marriage, not 51%. Don't like in the past or "what ifs" - easier said than done, but it gets easier.
  • IMPORTANT: Apply the 180 rules: 180 Rules
  • Read this book: No More Mr. Nice Guy! This has really opened my eyes to my own behaviours and decisions. I highly recommend it.

Know this... you may feel like you're on an icy wall ready to slide off. The trick is to start digging notches in the wall so you can pull yourself up and out of the rut. This is accomplished by taking control, forgiving yourself for setbacks, focusing on yourself and future, and one day at a time. I promise you that in a week or two, if you implement what I've suggested (and suggestions of others) you WILL be in a different place.

What you are going through is extremely difficult. Man, I can relate! So many of us here can! But listen to the success stories of people who are coping or are now in a better place. Implement the suggestions in your life and day by day things will improve. I know, I AM there.
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Old 01-20-2012, 07:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

i made it clear that if she sees him/contact him one more time i will be moving out, i told her to give me time to heal from my pain and thats why i need her to stop seeing him in the meantime, we have 3 boys, 5,3 and 1month old... i was hoping that she would give us another chance, but i think her mind is already made up.....
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Old 01-20-2012, 08:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

I just wrote a letter to my wife and gave it to her before i left for work, basically i tell her how much i love her, but that
I understand that she dont love me anymore, told her that from today on she is free that i just need little time to move out and then she can have what she wants ...
I was crying while driving to work, but i know it needs to be done, i dont want this pain no more i dont want to be with her if she is miserable
So yeah i set her free, i told herwhen i gave her the letter that that was my anniversary present to her (number 10 yesterday...)

Thanks for your words canguy66, i'm gonna start to work on those steps towards my recovery, the horizon still looks dark but i know l'll see daylight sooner or later..
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Old 01-20-2012, 09:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

Hey Vampire!

Please dont tell me you suffered at the hands of months of complete rejection as your wife was reading and re-reading the entire twilight series, then watching the movies over and over, then came the Barbie dolls, keychains, posters, cups, mugs, clothing, and various other paraphernailia ensuring your complete emotional death watching her wet her pants for a movie character...
Your moniker explained my entire last five years of my life...

I think it led to something, sort of like a longing for more, or some revelation that "geee, my marriage should be as magical and passionate as that....,but its not.." as opposed to supporting an acceptance and love for the reality of what we did have which was real and was good. I think that entire series was at least instrumental in sparking a negative reflection on life as it was at the time with me, and I will suggest with the almost "hoarding" behavior towards anything related to the Twilight series, that in my ex's case she took it way too far, and lost herself.

My ex was caught about eight months before our 10yr anniversary "secretly meeting" her "just a friend" and carrying on with cell phone txt messages on a daily basis. She split our cellphone account into two accounts to prevent me seeing how often she was in contact, AFTER, I confronted her.
She hit the divorce button, to escape herself and her seemingly "sh!tty" life of a loving husband and child, to pursue another man she hadnt seen in twenty years.
The divorce happened, it came and gone, I went thru months of looking for a house for myself, living with her after the divorce, watching her get ready to go see her man.

As of right now, shes not seeing that guy anymore. Shes seeing a guy that lives with his friend right across the street from my new house. I get to see her car there on a daily basis, think to myself how often I crawled around on the garage floor under it working on it, trying to save us time, money, and most often for not so much as a fking thank you. Oh yeah!,, I remember putting that roof rack on that year we started camping as a family...

This sh!t is hard, but there is going to come a time when you will be glad you pushed the button on that. It just seems in contrast to my run of events, that it allows you to retain far more dignity than finding yourself like me, flailing against the fking tides of dooshbaggery that came my way...

So , take it from someone five months past his divorce date, moved into his own pad, after a 10yr marriage together 16 with one kiddo... (and as hard as it was for me to even hope for) that there will be better days ahead. Where you will emotionally and physically feel better about all this situation, and about yourself..
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Old 01-20-2012, 09:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

Quote:
Originally Posted by IfIwasYourVampire View Post
I just wrote a letter to my wife and gave it to her before i left for work, basically i tell her how much i love her, but that
I understand that she dont love me anymore, told her that from today on she is free that i just need little time to move out and then she can have what she wants ...
I was crying while driving to work, but i know it needs to be done, i dont want this pain no more i dont want to be with her if she is miserable
So yeah i set her free, i told herwhen i gave her the letter that that was my anniversary present to her (number 10 yesterday...)
Vamp,

Not really much to say except one day at at time. The letter is a good place to start. The follow-thru is where it gets tough. Living together will make it even harder.

Is there no possibility one of you can find a place to stay for 2 months while you work out the details?

I simply can't imagine healing with my stbx in the same house. It has to feel like you can find no relief...
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Old 01-20-2012, 11:23 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

How can you love a person who has such utter disrespect of you? No, love is not irrational.
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Old 01-20-2012, 11:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

Hey shooboomafoo i know the pain that you went thru, seeing your stbxw getting ready to go out with POS and not be able to do nothing about it, just stay in the house and look after the kids while she is doing i dont know what... But you know what?i'm not gonna allow that no more, thats why i'm moving out, her heart no longer belongs to me, she seems (thru my eyes) just the corpse of a girl that i knew... But not everything was bad, we had lots of good times, is just that life happened and she decide to check out of our relationship some time ago without even telling me, until just a few days ago....
Hey janie, yes there is no way to heal when you are living under the same roof as your ex-, it's just a prolonged hell and i dont want that
Well warlock07, i loved her for 10 years, she was very loving and caring but somewhere along the way she just got tired that i wasnt paying attention to her in a romantic way, so along came this POS and made her feel good again....
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Old 01-20-2012, 12:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

Btw shoomobafoo i didnt think that somebody was gonna link my user name to twilight :/, i have never seen those movies and dont plan to, "if i was your vampire" is a song by marilyn manson
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Old 01-21-2012, 03:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

By reading a lot of posts I picked one very powerful quote by proudwidaddy he said:"The one coping technique I've used is to tell myself the person she is now, is not the person I fell in love" Thats how I feel too. I met my wife in High School. We been together 14 years. Now she told I dont love you, and you know what I dont love you too anymore. After all this happened, she didnt even gave a second chance to save our marriage. she didnt even care we have 4year old son. After all I feel like I did everything to save this marriage!!!!
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Old 01-21-2012, 03:35 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

I understand why you want to move out. But you are also moving out and leaving your children. In a divorce this will lower your chances at 50/50 or more custody. She might even be able to claim that you abandoned her and the children.

For all you know, when you move out she could move the other man in. And then your children wll be exposed to her affair.

It would be wise for you to consult with an attorney before you move out of the family home. Why not give her the option to move out. She wants another man.. let her leave to be with him.

See an attorney before you move out... for the sake of your children.
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Old 01-21-2012, 06:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

ele is giving very sound advice.
DDay for me was March 2011, had to stay in the same house until August 10th, when it sold. Yes, it was hell on wheels but I didn't leave and I put up with all of the flagrant adultery texting, cell calling etc...almost lost it a couple of times.

Dignity and self love stood me strong.

Now I am in my own place and haven't heard from ex since.

Consult an attorney before doing anything rash because of your emotions.

My prayers are with you.
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Old 01-22-2012, 03:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

Quote:
Originally Posted by LexusNexus View Post
By reading a lot of posts I picked one very powerful quote by proudwidaddy he said:"The one coping technique I've used is to tell myself the person she is now, is not the person I fell in love"
I realized something very similar yesterday. I don't miss him. I miss a certain variation of us that is rarely (if ever) available anymore.

I will remind myself of this often - when I'm feeling really down or have the urge to contact him.
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Old 01-22-2012, 03:30 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel so sad today...

Get a paternity test done on the 1-month old baby. It's fairly cheap, $100 maybe -- good for your peace of mind, and you'll know where you stand legally in regards to the baby.

Dont move out unless you know for sure that wont be considered abandonment by the court. If it is, it'll be more expensive in the long run for you in many ways.

Get your wife to move out instead if you can.
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