Lanilla

Me (28) and my husband (25) have only been married for 10 months... We have a 1 year old child together... He told me he doesn't want to be married anymore., and actually gave me an explanation, here it is:
When considering marriage (after our child was born) he had a lot of pressure from his parents and other elders that we should be married, even though it wasn't something he really wanted. I told him that I loved him and wanted to be married, but didn't want to force him...he thought it was best for the baby (& also thought that if he didn't marry me I'd move back home- I have no family here- and did I mention I moved across the country to be with him?) so... he married me.
Like any novice marriage, we had our fights... I needed love and affection and he needed space (that doesn't go together). We fought (ALOT) the first few months (over petty things)... a few months ago, when he told me that he wanted a divorce, I told him I was thinking about moving back home (HE WAS LIVID & Hurt) and said he didn't want to be married to someone who would threaten to take our son away...
He says that he doesn't trust me either, b/c I've went thru his phone several times w/o his knowledge and blew up at him for the things I've seen (he works as a nightclub promoter and always has an explanation for the women he flirts with)... IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN A YEAR!!! I'm so frustrated and think we can work on it... He's given me the ring back and moved out into another apartment w/ a friend of his and said that his decision is divorce, BUT, he needs space to clear his head to see if his mind will change, but if I get tired of waiting then he'll sign the papers...
We have to see each other b/c of the baby (back and forth) when I'm around him, I cry and beg to come home... which makes him more frustrated and want to leave me more... How should I be around him? I want him to come back, but it's hard to hide my feelings as if everything is okay and it's not...

nick15

Well, first off I wanted to say that I don't envy what you are going through. Your husband definitely sounds conflicted in what he wants, but freedom sticks out the most. He is a young man in a job field from what it sounds like that can test the boundaries of trust. There have been some pretty bold steps that included separate living. It would be nice and easy to say that you both will work this out. It sounds like he wants more the bachelor life than the family life. I wouldn't continue to put yourself through this for too much longer if he doesn't come around. If moving back home is an option it could be a bold decision to just do it for the support that you need and your baby...

that_girl

Do a 180.

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Lon

There are a bunch of infidelity red flags here: rewriting history (ie he never wanted to marry you in the first place) blameshifting (especially the part where after he put the divorce on the table you suggested moving away, suddenly he had some justification to be livid and hurt at your actions even though it is because of his withdrawl from the relationship), he is also blaming you for his not wanting to be married because you were looking at his cell phone, if he has nothing to hide he would gladly let you look, but he feels a need to hide his innapropriate actions from you and turn it back on you. He is asking for space to clear his head and see if he still wants you, but really he is just keeping you as an option while he pursues his other options.

I don't like to scream "cheating" on every thread with marital issues, just this one stands out loudly to me.

You want to know how to be around him? He has told you he doesn't want to be married, so get yourself a lawyer to file divorce and be prepared to fight for primary custody so that you can bring your child with you if you need to move closer to family. Unhinge your decisions from him because he has already checked out and doesn't care about your needs like you want him to.

LonelyNLost

It does sound like something else is going on. Most of what he said sounds like a cop out. It's really sad that you aren't even a year in and he's talking divorce. The problem here is that he's got to learn the hard way and figure out what it is he wants out of life. You can't sway him one way or the other. The best thing for you to do is to back away and learn how to live your life for you and your baby. Without him. He could wake up and realize how strong and independent you are (which means attractive to a man) and that he needs his family. Or, he could decide that he wants to go be single. Either way, you come out stronger. It's a scary thought to be a single parent, but you will survive. You may not want to be in that situation, but start preparing for the worst and interact with him minimally.

You have GOT to stop the begging and telling him you guys can work on it. It only makes him lose respect for you. Act disinterested when he comes around, act busy like you have somewhere to go. Hell, GO somewhere. Get out and have fun. Find some friends to lean on. I wouldn't be surprised if he had something going on with one of these girls he flirts with, especially in that environment. Hence the snapping at YOU and blaming you for being jealous or insecure.

Hard to see now, but you're fully capable of living a life without him. Hang in there! And yes, look up the 180.

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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

Lanilla

Wow and thanks! I have had my suspicions that he was (is) seeing someone else, but have tried to escape it from my mind, ESP b/c everytime I bring it up he gets upset at me and says I'm insecure, and don't trust him... I've caught him in several lies...and when explaining any of the lies, everything seemed to sound justified as if I'm trying to think up stories in my head to torture myself...
This has taken a toll on me and I try with every ounce of strength given to smile, laugh and play with our son (but I've broken down in front of him b4, which isn't good, cause I think he's starting to sense it)...
For some reason, I always think, if I start to move on, he'll just say "See, we can be happy single..." so my mind keeps telling me to pour my heart out to him so he can see that i'm hurting... ugh... this is messed up!

Lon

By what you've said it certainly appears that infidelity may be at work, though it by no means is the only possible reason. If so, since you seem to want the marriage and to fight for it, you should atleast try to get to the bottom of this and shake him out of his "fog" with hard real consequences first.

As a man who is moving on from my failed marriage it also bothers me when I hear my ex say the "see we are happier after all" bullcr@p. Yeah I am happier with myself because I don't have to deal with you and your cheating ways, is not anything close to what I thought happiness would be like in my life. At every milestone in my life and my son's life I will realize that it is as a divorced man and fractured family.

I also hate to admit it though, I am happier without her, life is somehow better (after having to go through and balance all the complicated equations). It would be better if life were like this without all those new equations, with her at my side as the woman I thought she was. I know different now, and reality shows me that it is not possible with her, just as it may not be possible for you to get where you want with your H. There is no shame or humiliation in that, a marriage takes both spouses to be committed, he is unilaterally terminating it - what can you do? Either let him go or suffer indefinitely. You can't control him or change who he is, only he can, so ultimately his reasons are pretty much moot for you, just make sure you protect your own boundaries and don't let him dictate your decisions.

Lanilla

"since you seem to want the marriage and to fight for it, you should atleast try to get to the bottom of this and shake him out of his "fog" with hard real consequences first"
What real hard consequences? And... I do want it to work... I just feel sad everytime I get around him (i'm constantly blaming myself) cause it alwasy seems like my fault.. I don't want to ignore him either... I need suggestions...

Lon

That you are removing yourself as one of his options, which would mean losing everything you contribute to the relationship (sex, chores around the house, income, etc) that he will have limited access to see his child, that he will lose half the assets you the two of you earned while married and he will lose part of his income to child support and any spousal support you are entitled to. Also that he will have to live with the stigma and grief of being divorced, and if he in fact was cheating that everyone important in his life will know it (because you will expose it to them if you find out the truth).

Lanilla

What exactly does a 180 mean?