Not proud! but I had to do it something...
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Old 01-27-2012, 09:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Not proud! but I had to do it something...

So if you've read my other post, you know my situation with my wife, who "loves me but is not in love with me"...yet swears she isn't cheating.

She demanded i move out, so i did. I complied with all of her demands. she eventually changed the locks (on the house that we both own)

She went out of town to "see her parents"...when, due to prior snooping, i saw she was also looking at flights, to see the guy I think she's been getting involved with (emotionally) so that she could get physical with him.

I talked to her dad on the phone (made up a story about needing to get in touch with her, and that i knew she was visiting them for the weekend)

Well, he sounded confused and said "What? she's not here visiting us...i haven't talked to her in days"

So, she lied, further adding to the pile of doubt and inconclusive proof of infidelity.

I eventually talked to her in text, talked about seeing a counselor (she wouldnt answer the phone, only texts, shes avoiding actually seeing or talking to me)

She declined. no beating around the bush.

Long story short I did something I'm not proud of, but feel I had to do it for peace of mind, and for my own divorce proceedings.

I broke into my own house (well, i own it, so its not really breaking and entering unless there is a legal reason to not be there, and there isn't)

Got on her computer...that had no password. Checked web history, found TONS of proof, searching for flights, dates (that much up with where he lives, and when she was out of town)

Despite previous attempts to confront her about cheating and being involved with another man, she is DEDICATED to believing she isn't involved...yet all the red flags, neon lights, and marching band are pointing that direction...

oh, the grand prize? I found a receipt, and a home-pregnancy test (which came out negative btw) dated from a few days ago sitting in our master bathroom on the floor (not even IN the garbage, just, next to it!). We haven't had sex in 5 months. and I know she's had periods since then....so she wasn't concerned about having my kid! that's for sure!

Morally, I feel ashamed for crossing the line, but justified. Legally. I am justified, and will be, especially when things get ugly. It won't make anything actually better, and it's not what I wanted, but hey....I've always been 100% honest, and faithful...and she clearly can't be, so good riddance.

I'm still going to confront her about this information, cautiously....but I know it's all over now, but i'm just looking to HEAR her tell the truth, and finally admit the truth.
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:04 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

You had every right to do what you did and she's the a**hole here. Don't feel guilty about doing what you did to find out.

Don't try to anticipate your own reaction to this. There will be a full grieving process ahead and you will feel overwhelmingly sad for a while. Expect it and ride it out.

Don't feel guilty about anything. What she did is not justifiable by anything. I mean anything.

You will forgive her when the right time comes. Right now it's about letting her know that you are aware of it and are hurt.

Take the next steps when you feel calmer. As I said, expect a ton of shock, sadness and confusion, but don't let guilt set in. You haven't done anything to justify her affair. NOTHING.
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

It's a shame that you let her push you out of your own home. She should have been the one to leave if she wanted to be separate from you. If you wanted to you could just move back in. Get a lock smith to make you some keys.

There is nothing at all wrong with what you did. It’s your home, the marital home. Too bad you did not put a keylogger on her computer. How many more days is she gone for? You could still do it. Then you would get read evidence. What you have right now does not prove infidelity.
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

Where is all this money she is spending? Do you have access to the accounts the money is in?

Have you seen a lawyer? You need to find out what to do to stop her from blowing all the money. If she knew that she will have to pay you back half of all that she's blowing ( she's wasting marital assets) she might stop doing it.
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

Sadly, it's her own account, we never did a joint account...which shoulda been a red flag i guess...

i'm going for legal council monday first chance I get.

As I understand it, they can look up her information, and basically see how she's been spending, in the event that she is trying to "prevent me from taking it"
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

What happens is that your attorney will do a discovery. You will both have to provide each other all of your bank and other financial statements going back at least 1-2 years.

If she refuses to provide them in discovery, your attorney can ask for a court order so that you (via your attorney) can ask the bank to provide the statements. You can also ask for copies of bank transactions .. like deposit slips, checks that were deposited, etc.

The other thing you can do is to ask the court to include in the court order to write to banks to ask if she has ever had an account with them.

I have one person who is about to do that. His wife has been hiding money for years.

Your wife could be moving the money and not spending it.

If she has a seperate account, how do you know that she's spending that much money?
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:38 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

Change the locks on the house while she is gone on her date weekend. Alsohire a PI and expose the OM to his gf or wife and your wifes arents
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

well, the week shes aid she wanted to separate....she bought a 35k car...while she had a perfectly functioning car...she admitted to giving her father 10k in cash to "help him out"...she started buying tons of new cloths, thousand dollar TVs, 500 dollar monitors...you name it, she was buying.

I was with her for 8 years...getting her to spend 100 dollars while out shopping was MISERY...she just WOULDN'T spend money...which is a good trait to have, being conservative and saving money....but she did a 180, and is now spending it like it's going out of style
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

If it's your house...move back in and change the locks and give her a nice pile of what you've discovered about her cheating.

give her an hour to pack up and get out and then buhbye!

This totally sucks. You did nothing wrong, though. She's the bad guy here.
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Old 01-28-2012, 11:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

Nice to hear people tell me that i'm *not* the bad guy...she keeps villainizing me, and everytime we talk about it, the story twists and becomes worse and worse...like she's just trying to really convince herself that i'm the bad guy, to help her feel justified.

I would have moved back in...sadly though, without her I can't afford to keep that home...she can (i'm not ashamed to say she makes more money)....so she stayed because she could pay for it =/
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Old 01-28-2012, 03:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

stay strong
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Old 01-28-2012, 03:56 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

No worries. Everything she buys is 1/2 yours. Don't tell her that.

It is your home - dose not make any difference what you can afford without her salary. Changing the locks was illegal. I hope you are not still paying the mortgage or expenses.

Go see a lawyer ASAP. Did you get copies of the recites for the expenditures? That is part of the marital assets that she is spending and she will have to make up for it.

Actually, you are in a very strong position. I know you still love her but she is ignorant. She thinks she will not have to split the marital assets if she spends down.

Don't let her know that she is dead wrong. She will have to give you the cash equivalent of 1/2 of the car or split the car in half.

Get more definite proof of the affair. Hiring a PI is worth it, you make it up in the settlement. When you get proof disclose to the OMW.

Watch your back, you should never have left your house. In one yr tops you will be so glad you got rid of her. Hang in there and protect yourself from now on.
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Old 01-28-2012, 09:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

Thanks for the kind words...Today was BAD...

She went from elusive, to aggressive in the worst way.

I confronted her...and someone else she speaks to about the ordeal. Apparently she is "terrified of me" and hasn't been flying out of town (though the search results are all matching the dates she has been unavailable)

she has been staying with a friend, and is absolutely terrified of me? i've NEVER yelled at her in the 8 years we were together...never raised a hand, barely even raised my voice! WHY would she be terrified of me? what's the logic in this?

I told her about what I found in our house, she flipped about me getting in even after she changed the locks...she had no right to do that anyway. and entering my own home, no matter how i did it...is legal.

She called me a "psycho, stalker" ....i haven't acted psycho at all, but the spying made me feel bad, so the "stalker" word hurt...but i definitely have NOT been stalking...she flatters herself with that one.

She also said "I F*&%ing hate you, and i'm getting a restraining order. Stay the F out of my life. I'm done."

to which she also said, in regards to me getting into my own home "I'm going to take EVERYTHING and then some."

She also mentioned that everything that she bought, and everything we made together is all hers..she earned it, and I don't deserve anything....


So, i'm in a dark corner right now...mostly because I never in my wildest dreams imagined that the person I had loved, and given all my trust to....would turn out to say these most terrible things

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Old 01-28-2012, 09:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

If you're not working and she is, she is going to have to pay for you divorce attorney fees so you'd better get yourself a shark attorney to go after her.
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Old 01-28-2012, 09:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not proud! but I had to do it something...

Since you did not just move back in, you should not have told here that you got into the house and searched. You did not find enough evidence to prove an affair. Now she will go very undercover on everything she does.

In some states, like California, if there is spousal abuse the abuser can get the shaft in the divorce. She might be setting you up for that.

You need to see an attorney like yesterday. File and get things moving.
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