How Do You Know When to Call It?

seekingAdvice3 · 02-02-2009, 06:50 AM

I've been back and forth about whether or not I can be happy with my wife. We've been separated now for just over 1 week. Honestly, it's been kind of nice. The house actually stays clean and I don't get all kinds of hell for how much she does around the house, yet it's messy as hell when she's there and easy as pie to keep orderly and clean when she's not there - kind of odd. Nothing else has really changed, I haven't missed her really all that much, maybe because it hasn't been long enough, but I still just have too many memories of how she just isn't the person for me - but it's so hard to call it quits. She's a horrible wife to me, but I'm scared of doing the wrong thing.

Perhaps this is premature, given that we've only been separated for a week, but was just curious how any others have actually known when it was time to call it quits.

seekingAdvice3 · 02-02-2009, 07:41 AM

Sometimes I think we just married too young. We were 25 and 24. We've not been married even 2 years and it has been so brutal many many times. I start to think, I'm not even 27 yet and want to actually enjoy the next 5 years or so of my life while I'm still young, good looking and can do lots of things, and I'd have money too. I make a lot but it all goes to our house and supporting my wife while she goes to school - yet she still calls me cheap over and over...

humpty dumpty · 02-02-2009, 07:43 AM

have you any children?

seekingAdvice3 · 02-02-2009, 09:11 AM

No Children. Honestly, I dont' think I could have children with her, I'd be scared she'd use them against me.

humpty dumpty · 02-02-2009, 09:36 AM

I married young 18 had children young but totally love my husband.
Thats the big differents why and how did you fall out of love.
Have you met someone else, or do you just crave to be single again?

seekingAdvice3 · 02-02-2009, 11:33 AM

Have not met someone else. It's been a slowly degrading process. My wife emotionally abuses. Calls me cheap, belittles me and makes me feel bad about myself as a husband so I just turn around and do more and more for her and it's just never enough. When we fight she gets out of control (I have def gotten out of control too) - screams things like you ruined my life, threatens me with things like "My ex called me" (which is probably a lie), she's lied to me, but continually calls me a liar and says I've broken her trust. I have lied, but at least admit it. Says she admits she needs to work on things, but hasn't gone to counseling and I've encouraged her to do so for 3 months now. I've been going myself, bending over backwards. She'll also say things like "i clean the entire house" when I'm the one who puts up shelves to organize things better, goes through papers, does the bills, cleans the kitchen, etc. Now that she's actually gone, it's a piece of cake to keep the house clean. She watches tv about 25-30 hours a week, yet complains that she's so busy and I shouldn't stress her out. She pretty much only cleans and picks up after herself when someone is coming over (like she's trying to be someone different to people outside the marriage). Many many many other things where she'll say something that just isn't true and attack me emotionally until I shut down and just give in. I mean I bought a 350,000 beautiful 3bdrm condo in DC, she works 5 hours a week so she can focus on school, we have nice furniture, and yet I'm still called cheap because I ask her to cut back and not eat out so much because we don't have enough money.

I even filled out her application and wrote her essay to get her into college, and then her first semester she got 2 C's and she never spoke to me about it AT ALL. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it because she is planning on taking 18 credits and maybe we should rearrange our plans. she said no, I don't want to talk, I'm taking 18 credits so I can graduate. I said "well if you graduate with a 2.7 you're going to have a tough time getting a job" She said FIRMLY and angrily "I'll GET A JOB"

UGH!!!!!!!!! sorry for venting. please weigh in.

seekingAdvice3 · 02-02-2009, 11:34 AM

Also, at this point I AM CRAVING meeting someone else, but what can one expect when you're so hurt, destroyed and dissapointed in the person you thought would bloom into a loving, nurturing wife who would go after life and enjoy it.

overitnolove · 02-02-2009, 06:00 PM

Sounds like you need to consider a longer separation and that you need to find the courage to say all of the things you've written here, to her.

My case is more difficult because I was doing everything and separated from my H but now he is trying really, really hard, and I just don't know. I'm not happy, but maybe that's because these things take ages to get over...

Blanca · 02-02-2009, 06:08 PM

The bottom line is, if she wont go to counseling things will not get better. She's just going to keep spinning her wheels creating the same emotional dysfunction. With both of you in counseling, there's a chance. I think you outta tell her, go to counseling or you leave. That's the arrangement i have with my H.