I work from home, no coworkers within hundreds of miles. Working from home used to be a good thing, but now with the advent of instant messaging it has more in common with house arrest than a career. No one to talk to, and you can't leave. The 24 X 7 nature of business doesn't help either.
When separation hits at a time like this it's absolutely crushing. I'm here all day and night with no real human contact. I used to go to the grocery store every day, just to get out and see living people other than my wife. But now that she's gone and I've given up eating that trip isn't necessary. I did force myself to go out and watch a bit of the superbowl, but it's only been 6 days since she left so I don't take much interest in anything other than the wild conspiracy theories my mind comes up with and completely unrealistic plans to get her back.
I've been through this before, this time I think it will be infinitely worse from a loneliness standpoint. I'm worried that as the reality sinks in, my sanity will slip out. I'll be watching this thread closely but I suspect that for me there is no answer to that question.
Luckily I've been practicing being lonely for a long time, so I'm getting real good at it.
I read somewhere that there are groups at meetup.com where you can put your zip code in and they have different groups and type of interests for people to socialize. For example, I joined a women's walking group. I start on Wednesday. They also have things like if you are interested in cycling, hiking, taking pictures, amusement parks, or just general meet ups for breakfast or coffee with a group of people just trying to make new friends. It's not so much for dating although anything can happen, you never know who you are going to meet but it's just more for social, common interests, having fun, and making friends. We will see how my first meet up group goes but worth a try. i think getting out and being with people is probably better than sitting at home thinking. Too much thinking and then I get so down and upset and wondering what he's doing and who with.
i think getting out and being with people is probably better than sitting at home thinking. Too much thinking and then I get so down and upset and wondering what he's doing and who with.
Sadly...this gets worse at night, when you realize you're even more alone and going to bed alone, and that you'll wake up alone...it makes you wonder, if THEY are alone...and doing the same thing, if they're even thinking about you at all.
It's not easy...but you have a good mind set. Get out there, do all the things that make you feel good and new!
ALSO! From my rock climbing gym, they had this big banner up, and are sponsored i guess by this group...looks pretty cool, but I haven't called to find out like...what it costs, or anything like that, but if you're the adventurous type, it might be worth looking into!
Sadly...this gets worse at night, when you realize you're even more alone and going to bed alone, and that you'll wake up alone...it makes you wonder, if THEY are alone...and doing the same thing, if they're even thinking about you at all.
It's not easy...but you have a good mind set. Get out there, do all the things that make you feel good and new!
ALSO! From my rock climbing gym, they had this big banner up, and are sponsored i guess by this group...looks pretty cool, but I haven't called to find out like...what it costs, or anything like that, but if you're the adventurous type, it might be worth looking into!
The schedule is really neat in the calendar...fun stuff for everyone, maybe there is one in your area? I found one near me which was cool.
Granted, it's "for singles"....but hey, it's all about meeting people, taking advantage of opportunities right?
That looks pretty cool. And thats whats neat about the meet up groups. it's not "for singles" but it's just for people wanting to get out and meet people and have fun. None of this can hurt, I keep thinking whatever I can do to get me through another day. But you're absolutely right about the nights. I lay there and force myself not to think and just try and sleep. I have to take Tylenol PM or have some Sleepy Time tea before bed so I can try to fall asleep without thinking. I go to bed and have my iPad with me and play games or do stuff like this until I am so tired I can't keep my eyes open. I use to love to read but the kind of books I like are the ones with happy endings and now they just make me want to cry. I'd rather play a game on the iPad. I am tired at work in the morning but it's worth it not to think. I will admit I do go searching sometimes on the internet for the girl I think he is interested in but that just causes me more heartache. She's 20 years younger than him. He is 47 and she is 27 and I can't compete with 27. She is beautiful and looks perfect.
It's natural to want to know more about the person who captured the attention of your spouse. I've been there. And don't you think, not for one second, that she is "perfect" because she is 27...that relationship, it won't last. Odds are, she'll hurt him. I say this because he is liking the idea of having a "younger woman" but sooner or later, the age difference, and her "needs" will separate them. He'll probably get hurt, and it serves him right.
I'm the same way btw...with stories..well, I don't read as much as I should, but I find movies and shows that are happy, to be quite sad...actually...I just watched a very nostalgic, sad movie. Seven Pounds, with Will Smith.
Makes me cry every time...though not just because it's sad...but because the movie holds a significant memory for me in my life...so it's twice as sad!
Honestly it took me two months to go to my GP, but he immediately put me on xanax and I wish I would have gone two months ago when he first started talking about leaving!!!
I did immediately start IC when this started and I am working on behavioral cognitive therapy... but that xanax (I hate drugs) have taken an edge off of my trembles, nerves, worry, mood swings, weight loss etc.
For other therapy (friends say it is premature) but I also have started looking at websites that allow me to see what's out there... how to date, realtor.com, new job opportunity sites etc. Why not look at lots of changes that I haven't been allowed to make before after almost 30 yrs together I can maybe start some of my own dreams if he decides he is done, I will have not only a PLAN A, but B, C, and D!
I am a reader so if anyone has suggestions for books and other things to do to 'get out there' and learn to enjoy life again (w/o the other half) please share.
Read Books by Norman Vincent Peale..esp The New Art of Living...and also there are several books are available on similar lines..
I suggest you may take up a hobby ,say Painting, even if you havent done any painting in your entire life..You may have had a desire from your childhood, to do so..?or some time later when you were in college or say when u were a home maker , a working woman etc? or think of another creative thing to do..
Maybe I'm weird or something, but I have to say I am actually enjoying a bit of peace and quiet when totally on my own! Thing is having 50/50 custody of my 5 year old daughter, its never too long that I am completely alone and when she is around it is total Daddy/daughter time, which is great.
I am also finding I am making much more of an effort to go out with friends now and arrange things - there are a couple of really good guys going out of their way for me as well; its awesome to find out I have some really great people around. I've said this before on another post somewhere, but the next stop for me I feel is to really go out and date other people. At the moment I really do think that will be the ultimate 'move on' for me. I dunno, maybe I'm taking this whole 'I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me' concept of mine too far, too fast - but I do feel as though its really helping me out.
Thanks for all your replies – it’s interesting to hear how people pass their time.
It looks like things have finished between me and this inappropriate man I’ve been seeing. I'm pretty infatuated with him but am slowly realising that I'm clinging on to him as I'm too scared to be on my own.
I am not looking forward to Sunday. The past few Sunday’s I have spent with the inappropriate man, lounging around watch tv, cuddling – normal stuff. What am I going to do on my own?
I am a bit worried that I'm at the beginning of a little breakdown – I am in trouble at work as I can’t concentrate on anything and want to cry all the time. I’ve stopped eating and look skinny. I'm having massive financial problems too which aren’t helping.
I must point out that I was the one who left my husband. Last week I missed him for the first time since I left 3 months ago. I had a bit of a panic attack last night about it. I'm wondering if I'm feeling like this because I don’t want to be on my own.
I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I'm on a precipice and I don’t know how to get down.
Sadly...this gets worse at night, when you realize you're even more alone and going to bed alone, and that you'll wake up alone...it makes you wonder, if THEY are alone...and doing the same thing, if they're even thinking about you at all.
This is the toughest time for me. I struggle and struggle and have been doing anything I can just to get some sleep. Sadly I average about 4 hours a night. I am hoping this ends sooner rather than later. I actually scheduled an appointment with my doctor to get some sleeping aid.
Kitty, I was in a similar situation, although on the receiving end of it.
I could not function at work, couldn't concentrate, had crying jags at inappropriate and very inconvenient times. I spent 20 minutes looking for my reading glasses and found them on top of my head. I went to the grocery store, went to get gas, went to Walmart, and came home. I looked down and saw I was wearing 2 completely different shoes. I slept 2 to 3 hours a night, and ruminated on negative thoughts the remainder of the time.
In a nutshell, I was a useless wreck, and worried I'd soon be unemployed, destitute and homeless.
I went to see my Dr, told him what was going on. He gave me a prescription for xanax. We've all heard of miracle drugs and I've always thought of that as a marketing cliche but I have to tell you this really is one. I've never taken an anti depressant before, never really thought I was depressed, just unhappy due to circumstances.
Now the old me is back. And I mean old in the sense of I feel like the person I was before I turned into the crabby, morose s**t my wife left.
My concentration is back. I can put negative thoughts out of my mind. I can think about my current situation with clarity. I sleep through the night, woken up by an alarm clock instead of the demons that whirled in my head. I converse with people, they seem to like conversing with me. I may have actually made a friend last night, I have not had a friend other than my wife in about 7 years. The difference in me is astounding.
Go see your Dr, he or she can help. It was a last resort for me but should have been one of the first.
And I think you know - Appropriate or not, you shouldn't be 'seeing' anyone at this stage.
I went to see my Dr, told him what was going on. He gave me a prescription for xanax. We've all heard of miracle drugs and I've always thought of that as a marketing cliche but I have to tell you this really is one. I've never taken an anti depressant before, never really thought I was depressed, just unhappy due to circumstances.
I am wrestling with this. As a man I feel like I have to be able to handle this on my own. But I own my business and others peoples pay/lively hood are directly related to me being able to function. Not to mention my kids need me to be there more than anything now.
I think I will see my doctor and see if he can help, my biggest concern is that once the medicine is gone in a month or 6 months will I be able to cope on my own.
When my GP put me on xanax he started me low and said it's about a 6-9 month plan. He told me divorces don't happen over night and if it ends up that we repair our marriage that it won't be instant either. The xanax definitely will help even my moods out, then he will wean me off. It is amazing the difference it made in my mood. My psychotherapist isn't a huge fan, but she said she has seen people tolerate more than they normally would. It makes me think clearer.
I am going to make an appointment to see my doctor shortly - to be honest I'm a bit scared about being put on antidepressants.
Today has been a particularly bad day. I've been drinking a lot lately after work and this of course hasn't helped. I haven't been able to face food at all.
I am going to have to sit my boss down at some point and explain to him how I feel as this is affecting my work. Not looking forward to that.
First, let me say I'm not in the pharmaceutical business, I'm not a shill. Although this would be a ripe hunting ground for guerilla marketing.
Depending on your boss you might want to consider putting off that talk till after you see your Dr. If your boss will be supportive, go ahead. If not, I'd wait.
I started feeling a lot better within 15 minutes of taking the first one, and that particular day was what I would consider one of the 10 worst of my life.
Dr said take 3 a day and 2 before bed, OR, take one when you feel like you need a hand. I take one in the morning and one before bed. The way it appears to work for me is that it lets problems come at you more slowly. You can think them through one at a time, instead of the constant overwhelming barage of worries, fears and aggravations we're all facing now. I have noticed no other effects than a drastic improvement in my thought process, the quality and positiveness (is that a word?) of those thoughts, and ability to sleep. Thank god I can sleep now, it's worth it for that alone. I have the motivation to exercise again. It's certainly down the road but I know a time will come when I've dealt with everything I need to in a positive, constructive way, and I'll no longer feel the need to take it.
If the need does not go away, then I am depressed independently of the current situation, and that's why the stuff was invented in the first place. I'll keep taking it, and I'm OK with that because so far it has literally made life worth living again.
Knowing myself, I know that the time was not far off when I would have snapped and come at my wife with demands, deadlines, ultimatums and accusations. Doing that would have thoroughly destroyed any chance of the reconciliation I want more than anything else I've ever wanted. The thoughts of doing that no longer enter my mind. I have the patience to give her the time that she, my IC and MC tell me she needs in order to reconnect with herself.
My STBRW (I'm thinking so positively I invented a new acronym - Soon To Be REUNITED Wife) said she sees a marked improvement in me as a person. I had begun a journey of self improvement before the xanax, her comment about my improvement came before it. But I was backsliding, plagued by doubts, and losing the motivation to continue the path. I'm pretty sure that without it I would have reverted to being the booze hound I was the last time I went through this.
Herewegoagain, you owe it to those that love and depend on you to at least look into it. I'm a big dude and had your same mindset about toughing it out. Now I know that mindset was a big contributor to being in this mess in the first place.
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Re: Dealing with lonliness 
