My husband and I split up in November – I have been living with friends since then and moved into a house with 2 new flat mates about 3 weeks ago.
I have never lived alone and the thought of having to fill my time with my own company, which I do not enjoy.
I have found myself seeing a very distant and erratic man, just because he is company and gives me those cuddles in the morning that I'm scared to be without.
I would really be interested in hearing other people’s experiences of life post separation.
The problem with loneliness during separation is you remember the few tender moments you had with the spouse who doesn't want anything to do with you anymore.
The memories will only intensify the loneliness, and you start feeling like you would want to do anything just to experience that memory again.
What I do when this happens to me is...I try to remember why we are in this situation in the first place. The way your spouse treated you shabbily, which if you think about it, happened more often than the few tender moments you are reminscing right now during moments of loneliness.
It's normal to reminsce, and miss, and be desperately lonely sometimes...but remember, that's how most domestic abuse victims can still go back to their abuser... because the few tender memories, clouds their shocking reality.
The loneliness and silence are what are destroying me. I have my dog and he is now wondering why I am constantly hugging him and falling asleep with him on the floor. She moved out of our house and left me in our 4 bedroom to fend for myself. The divorce was my fault and my regret and shame are bogging me down in self hatred. I sleep 3-4 hours a day and just keep hoping and praying that this pain will start to ease at some point. I am reconnecting with friends to get out and do something.... anything just to get out of the house. Find a new hobby or join a social group or something. Some days I guess it is just about putting one foot in front of the other.
I am finding the worst part is that no one is wondering where I am. I could be gone all day and all night and there is just no one on the other end waiting for me. Eventually my kids or friends or family members would notice, but after 28 years of being a partner, its hard to get over it
Here's my experience. I am 26. I am about to receive divorce papers (sometime this week)...I work a job with no supervision, my boss is 4 hours away. I have no real co-workers. No opportunities to make friends.
I live where I live, because I moved here with my wife, when she got a job..sacrificed everything to be here for her...I have been here for 2 years. I have zero friends here.
I now live in an apartment because I had to move out...The apartment has no furniture other than my bed. I have nothing in it...it would take me about an hour to move out...I also have no pets.
Do I get lonely? Hell yes. This place is a prison cell with an open door. The difference is, no matter how far I go during the day, I always have to come back at night....it's very sad, and very lonely.
How do I cope?
I play online games with real people involved...meeting them online isn't as good as RL, but it's good to have some connection.
I talk on forums like this, getting perspective from others, just as you are doing now...reading posts really makes you feel somewhat less lonely.
I live an active lifestyle...I run, lift weights, and rock climb. Endorphins are good.
I have a rock-climbing gym I go to...i know all the staff, and many of the patrons...sure they are only "casual friends" that I only talk to while i'm at the gym...but that could change...when I'm ready for it to.
I talk to friends and family that live in other states when I can.
I play guitar...keep busy with my hobbies etc.
I just ....cope.
It's sad, absolutely. Lonely, no doubt...Last time someone gave me a hug? or an affectionate touch of any kind...been like 4 months. Closest physical contact I've had was a handshake.
Eventually, you just deal with it. It's not ideal, but you survive it and keep going forward. Just remind yourself the way I do, "it's not always going to be like this." and realize that the future is unknown.
Anything could happen. My wife could decide 2 years from now, or tomorrow, that she wants to get back together...I could get killed in a car wreck...I could get a promotion, move across the country, and meet a wonderful woman who truly loves me for me...ANYTHING can happen, just remember that.
What I do when this happens to me is...I try to remember why we are in this situation in the first place. The way your spouse treated you shabbily, which if you think about it, happened more often than the few tender moments you are reminscing right now during moments of loneliness.
Same here. I remember she thought about cheating on me (maybe she did), the passive-aggressive comments, the resentment, the rejection in the bedroom, and lacks of authenticity and "faking" so many good times, the projection on inadequacies, the blaming, etc. I was getting to a point that despite being in love with her I was not liking her. I felt I was the only one interested in working on our marriage and I know I brought a lot of this relationship. I know I have been a very good husband, with my share of faults of course. We're all human.
That's what I think of when I miss her and when I feel alone. Sometimes it helps "reset" my frame of mind. My counselor told me "thought drives emotion", so I try to put it in practice, visualizing myself in a happier situation down the road - stbxw not included.
Other strategies... this forum, reading self-help books, seeing family and friends, sometimes just going out in town to be around people instead of staying holed up at home, going for a walk, etc.
Still, it's tough. Its like madboutlove said... knowing there is no one at home waiting for you. I type this and my eyes just swelled up with tears. It's been nearly two months since my stbxw said she wanted a separation. A bit over a month since I've been living at the house alone. I miss her in bed... just being close, watching her sleep, hearing her voice when she came home and so, so much more...
Sorry, just another trip on the roller coaster ride there for a few seconds. I just put into practice what I wrote about in the first paragraph... and felt a bit better.
I think it's important to remember the only person we can work on is ourselves, not our spouse. It's up to us to steer our own ship in a better direction. Not always easy, but working on a more positive frame of mind, exercising to physically work out the stress and grief, communication and socializing is important. All building blocks to get to a better place in our lives.
I feel like the worlds wore father today because I was out with my son at his boy scout camping trip. I was trying to focus on him but all I could think about was mu stbxw, what I don't have anymore. Some of the dads were talking about upcoming couples weekend, that killed me. Posted via Mobile Device
It is a rollercoaster, and I'm getting used to that. I'm fortunate in that I am not alone, I am in my hometown, but even this is very frustrating for me. I am living back at my parents, which was supposed to be a temporary thing while we saved up money to start a life together (my husband is from another country so we couldn't live together right now), and now everything we planned isn't gonna happen, but here I still sit. I have not traditionally had the best relationship with my parents either, I was very nervous about living with them for a while, and the thought of my husband's support was what made it okay, and helped me through some tough times. Unfortunately, he forgot how to be supportive a while ago, so even when he and I were still trying to work things out, I still was pretty much on my own.
Anyways, lonliness is a rough thing to deal with. Really the only way to deal with it is what everyone is saying- do things to get your mind off it. If you have good friends near you, spend as much time with them as you can. You can also join clubs, gyms, or even volunteer. Even coming and posting on online forums can make things seem less empty and lonely. Any sort of social contact can help distract you.
Loneliness is a devastating,desperate state...it can benumb and shatter or mis-guide too...
Divert your mind into doing creative,constructive things and make good friends( be cautious and slow n sure in making Real ones)...and above all you can also rely on yourself and the Highest Superior Force, if you can have The Faith...that can give tremendous boost, if you are not a skeptic...There could be Solace from such a process of "faith..n hope...and doing"...with wisdom..
Honestly it took me two months to go to my GP, but he immediately put me on xanax and I wish I would have gone two months ago when he first started talking about leaving!!!
I did immediately start IC when this started and I am working on behavioral cognitive therapy... but that xanax (I hate drugs) have taken an edge off of my trembles, nerves, worry, mood swings, weight loss etc.
For other therapy (friends say it is premature) but I also have started looking at websites that allow me to see what's out there... how to date, realtor.com, new job opportunity sites etc. Why not look at lots of changes that I haven't been allowed to make before after almost 30 yrs together I can maybe start some of my own dreams if he decides he is done, I will have not only a PLAN A, but B, C, and D!
I am a reader so if anyone has suggestions for books and other things to do to 'get out there' and learn to enjoy life again (w/o the other half) please share.
The music and philosophy behind it is uplifting, deep and real; inspires me to be more inquisitive about the mystery of life when I am feeling down. Enjoy :-)
I will check it out, I have been listening a lot to alanis morissette you oughta know, the Script (two full cds - break up songs etc that speak to my pain) and some Daughtry and David Cook... it's so strange I hear all these songs and either about breaking up or waiting for the partner to return. Nickelback... Someday.
I will check it out, I have been listening a lot to alanis morissette you oughta know, the Script (two full cds - break up songs etc that speak to my pain) and some Daughtry and David Cook... it's so strange I hear all these songs and either about breaking up or waiting for the partner to return. Nickelback... Someday.
So true, all the music I seem to be drawn to are break up and heart break songs, some songs that are happier like One Republic's Good Life I can't bare to hear because my life is not good.
Here's my experience. I am 26. I am about to receive divorce papers (sometime this week)...I work a job with no supervision, my boss is 4 hours away. I have no real co-workers. No opportunities to make friends.
I live where I live, because I moved here with my wife, when she got a job..sacrificed everything to be here for her...I have been here for 2 years. I have zero friends here.
I now live in an apartment because I had to move out...The apartment has no furniture other than my bed. I have nothing in it...it would take me about an hour to move out...I also have no pets.
Do I get lonely? Hell yes. This place is a prison cell with an open door. The difference is, no matter how far I go during the day, I always have to come back at night....it's very sad, and very lonely.
How do I cope?
I play online games with real people involved...meeting them online isn't as good as RL, but it's good to have some connection.
I talk on forums like this, getting perspective from others, just as you are doing now...reading posts really makes you feel somewhat less lonely.
I live an active lifestyle...I run, lift weights, and rock climb. Endorphins are good.
I have a rock-climbing gym I go to...i know all the staff, and many of the patrons...sure they are only "casual friends" that I only talk to while i'm at the gym...but that could change...when I'm ready for it to.
I talk to friends and family that live in other states when I can.
I play guitar...keep busy with my hobbies etc.
I just ....cope.
It's sad, absolutely. Lonely, no doubt...Last time someone gave me a hug? or an affectionate touch of any kind...been like 4 months. Closest physical contact I've had was a handshake.
Eventually, you just deal with it. It's not ideal, but you survive it and keep going forward. Just remind yourself the way I do, "it's not always going to be like this." and realize that the future is unknown.
Anything could happen. My wife could decide 2 years from now, or tomorrow, that she wants to get back together...I could get killed in a car wreck...I could get a promotion, move across the country, and meet a wonderful woman who truly loves me for me...ANYTHING can happen, just remember that.
Your story and how you are handling things inspire me. I like what you said about anything can happen, you never know. Thats why we all shouldn't give up and just take it one day at a time one breath at a time. Hugs to you my friend.
6Likes
Dealing with lonliness 
