I really wish it didn't have to be this way
I am pursuing a divorce, and it makes me so sad. I don't really want to go through all that BS and I truly believe we are both generally good people, but I don't want to have sex with him again. Ever. We've been married 13 years, two kids and he's never cheated on me, but over the years he has threatened to hook up with someone else repeatedly if I didn't up the frequency. "Joked" about hookers too. Now when I come, I get violently ill and I can't control it--I think it's psychosomatic but it's certainly not under my conscious control.
So first I told him no more sex. Then I told him I want a divorce. He is adamantly opposed, and says there's no way he wants to do that to the kids and lose the house (we'd both have to downsize and move). He is sleeping upstairs (we're getting a new bed delivered today) and he wants to stay married, but have an adult friend on the side.
He has been assuming that I just don't want sex, that I have no libido, but the truth is I just don't want sex with him. I told him that too. I agreed that if I refused to have sex he could seek it elsewhere, but that I might too. This of course angered him, as he feels he's right there, and if I want sex, why don't I have sex with him? Honestly, I don't know if I can have sex with someone else, if I would have the same issues. But I miss affection, I miss intimacy. I do not trust him. In the past, he has had depression and refused to get treatment, we've had ludicrous fights about how I won't allow him to buy a $5,000 sex doll (custom) that he would hide in the closet, how he'll lay there in bed and I don't initiate, for awhile he stopped washing and brushing his teeth and then wondered why I didn't find him attractive. He has repeatedly refused to hold me or be affectionate, because there's no sex, (our no sex = sex 1x a week) and if I'm not going to give him what he wants why should he give me what I want? For awhile I wasn't allowed to french kiss him unless we had sex afterwards because I was "leading him on."
Romantically, the love is gone. I don't want to be physical with him, and I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life. It's depressing to know I may have sexual problems with somebody else, but it is what it is. I know I am vulnerable to an affair because I'm so lonely, so I am trying to do the right thing. End it. He can go his way and I can go mine. But I guess he will hate me for it.