I really wish it didn't have to be this way - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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I really wish it didn't have to be this way

I am pursuing a divorce, and it makes me so sad. I don't really want to go through all that BS and I truly believe we are both generally good people, but I don't want to have sex with him again. Ever. We've been married 13 years, two kids and he's never cheated on me, but over the years he has threatened to hook up with someone else repeatedly if I didn't up the frequency. "Joked" about hookers too. Now when I come, I get violently ill and I can't control it--I think it's psychosomatic but it's certainly not under my conscious control.

So first I told him no more sex. Then I told him I want a divorce. He is adamantly opposed, and says there's no way he wants to do that to the kids and lose the house (we'd both have to downsize and move). He is sleeping upstairs (we're getting a new bed delivered today) and he wants to stay married, but have an adult friend on the side.

He has been assuming that I just don't want sex, that I have no libido, but the truth is I just don't want sex with him. I told him that too. I agreed that if I refused to have sex he could seek it elsewhere, but that I might too. This of course angered him, as he feels he's right there, and if I want sex, why don't I have sex with him? Honestly, I don't know if I can have sex with someone else, if I would have the same issues. But I miss affection, I miss intimacy. I do not trust him. In the past, he has had depression and refused to get treatment, we've had ludicrous fights about how I won't allow him to buy a $5,000 sex doll (custom) that he would hide in the closet, how he'll lay there in bed and I don't initiate, for awhile he stopped washing and brushing his teeth and then wondered why I didn't find him attractive. He has repeatedly refused to hold me or be affectionate, because there's no sex, (our no sex = sex 1x a week) and if I'm not going to give him what he wants why should he give me what I want? For awhile I wasn't allowed to french kiss him unless we had sex afterwards because I was "leading him on."

Romantically, the love is gone. I don't want to be physical with him, and I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life. It's depressing to know I may have sexual problems with somebody else, but it is what it is. I know I am vulnerable to an affair because I'm so lonely, so I am trying to do the right thing. End it. He can go his way and I can go mine. But I guess he will hate me for it.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 09:36 AM
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Re: I really wish it didn't have to be this way

So file for divorce and be done. He doesn't have to agree. A judge will sign for him.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 02:45 PM
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Re: I really wish it didn't have to be this way

He sounds like he's got no sense of romance at all...Women (and men alike) need romance...something to make things appealing and interesting and fun....without any sense of romance, whats the point?

It doesn't help that he sounds kind of... unattractive from lack of hygiene and self-care either...

Threatening to get sex elsewhere is a no-go response. I'm not a therapist, but i've had enough experience to know, that he's being verbally abusive, by making threats, and emotionally abusive by refusing any form of intimacy, unless it leads to sex.

You can find someone else that will give you want you want and need...don't be ruined by one man who's a slob. And don't ever let him discount your feelings and needs. Ever.

If you don't see any romance with him, and there is no attraction...i'd say it is time to divorce and move forward with your life. It's too short to be stuck in a sexless mostly-loveless-marriage.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 05:24 PM
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Re: I really wish it didn't have to be this way


She doesn't want sex because she gets Sick, but later she wants sex.

Honestly ths makes no sense.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 05:37 PM
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Re: I really wish it didn't have to be this way

you misread that Shaggy. She doesn't mean she gets "ill" as in, she catches a cold and gets a headache and fever...she means, she is disgusted with herself/with him when they have sex...because she isn't having sex because she WANTS to have sex with him, but more because it is EXPECTED of her, but she does it anyhow.

This is quite common.

Also, this is how I read it, you'd need her to confirm whether my statement is accurate or not, just how I see it.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 05:46 PM
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Re: I really wish it didn't have to be this way

OP said in previous posts that she gets dizzy and sick to her stomach when she has sex right now. Her doctor told her that it might be related to her migraines.

Sometimes during sex is get dizzy and nauseated... it’s due to two things that I do sometimes. I hold my breath for a long time or I hyperventilate. I’ve had to learn to slow down sometimes.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 05:52 PM
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Re: I really wish it didn't have to be this way

ahh, that I didn't see...funny, my wife used to get dizzy ...but uh didn't stop her lol
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 10:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I really wish it didn't have to be this way

Sorry Shaggy, I'm not a troll. I'm in a bind because right now when I orgasm I get really dizzy and nauseous--my doctor believes its a painless form of MAV (migraine associated vertigo). Both me and husband thinks part of it is due to resentment. I can choose to have sex and not orgasm--in fact, that is what I have done for the last year.

What I was trying to say is that I don't want to be intimate with my husband anymore. I resent having sex with him. I could choose to say no, but eventually I give in to make peace. Not because I actually want it. I don't know if the MAV would be more manageable with someone else--someone who I don't harbor deep resentment towards--but I thought I would be honest and tell my husband that eventually I would like a romantic relationship with someone. I don't plan to be celibate forever. This problem--yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do about it long term. Short term, I think it's partially developed because I can't just fake it anymore.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 11:08 PM
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Re: I really wish it didn't have to be this way

Moon...I understand where you are coming from. My wife used to get headaches and described a similar dizzy feeling after sex...it never happened before, but then it started happening...believe it or not, after like a year, it went away on it's own.

I don't know if she has/had what you do...but it sounds very familiar to me. Anyhow...she got over it, and we just both kind of agreed "that was weird" and moved on....our sex life was booming after that, and she was interested in having multiple orgasms again without getting too dizzy after one to quit (ok so that sentence sounds...awkward, but that's how it is)

Maybe it's something you'll just get over and internally manage over time? either way...I recommend you stick to what your decision seems to be...wanting a romantic relationship, with someone else. Someone that will appreciate you more, take care of themselves, and you, better, and not guilt trip you about having sex.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 11:33 PM
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Re: I really wish it didn't have to be this way

Hi MoonHare,

I do think there is more problems in your relationship that goes beyond the the issue you are having. I do hope that your condition will improve. I do have to say, that my stbxw also used to get so upset with me by not having sex with her. Not that I couldn't, I just had lost all desire for my wife. In 1 year maybe 5 times. The year before that not much better. I believe I was more unattracted to what was going on with her mind. Family drama that came into my life from her kids and family members on her side were just about driving me insane. I was beginning to believe that either her family has too many enablers or I have the issues. Well, my counselor and friends and family reminded me that I was more close to living a real to life perception than the wife was. It's a long story I would tell privately. Regardless, She would get mad that I would find more comfort in my own personal release than have it with her if you know what I mean. I just didn't care anymore. I was so miserable. When I asked her to please just leave which has just been a month ago the lonely knights can be tuff and the quietness in the home is at times disturbing. I picked up part time work in the evenings to not only help me out financially, but get me out of the house. Her memories of the good things feel like they are stuck to the walls and can almost haunt me. But, the bad ones are there to and basically pisses me off. I worked so hard to be a good man and father figures to those who worked to break me. I hope you find what it will take you to either let it go or work through the issues you are going through.

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