Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Post Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

My 28 year old husband of 6 years has out of the blue realized he doesn't know how he feels anymore. He told me he still loves me and cares for me but can't tell me if he wants to be with me anymore. He can't tell me what's wrong, if anything, other than it's in his own head and he needs to figure things out. Of course I suggest therapy/counseling of any kind but he flat out refuses. So we agreed to a trial separation to see if he misses me... Wednesday was 2 weeks and he still doesn't know. How long am I suppose to wait on him to "figure things out"?
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

Do you already know 100% that he isn't involved in an affair?
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

Ms. Limbo
some people take 2 days and some take 2 years. i hope you guys work it out soon because it will drive you crazy not knowing.
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

Ms Limbo

"How long are you supposed to wait on him to figure things out?" Well, as long as you want to!

If you don't want to keep waiting, though, there is a really easy way to speed things to their conclusion.

Tell him that the trial separation has worked out pretty well, and that you now want to try the "divorce separation," and that you are going to go find a lawyer and file for permanent separation.

Either he will realize that you're a neat-o torpedo wife, and he would be a fool to let you go, or he will decide that he doesn't love you anyway, and agree to the divorce.

And you will have your answer, and can move out of limbo and back into life!

Honestly, you might want to do some digging. Your husband sounds like he is having an affair. So snoop around and see if you find any signs of there being "someone else."
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

Knowing him, no he is not having an affair. He has always been the person who would not do that to someone and strongly dissapproves of people that do. I did ask him when all this began if there was someone else. He bluntly told me that if there was then he would not put me through this, he would simply divorce me.

I want my marriage back to how it was. We have a good relationship. And yes, I mean we still have a great relationship with no issues. I pleaded with him to tell me what needs to be changed and he simply told me that I was perfect, it's him who needs to figure out whats wrong with him. So yeah, I got the "It's not you, it's me" bit.

I just don't know how I should feel about all this. All my family is furious at him for doing this to me right now (I am currently 4 months pregnant with his 2nd child). I want to give him the space and time needed to figure things out but at the same time I don't want to be used or blind to the fact that he may be actually stringing me along for one reason or another.
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

I'm kinda going through the same thing with my husband (he's been out of the house for 3 1/2 weeks now) and I'm waiting on him to "figure things out" as well...
Your husband may have said, "I'd divorce you if I wanted to be with someone else," but it doesn't mean it's true... I've heard this said before and come to find out, not all men have the "balls" to break it off with someone ESP if they still love you... He may be torn between moving on and the guilt of staying with the mother of his children... If his family is giving him grief over this, than I'm sure he's feeling guilty... But his own personal feelings are tugging at him more...

I'm gonna give you the same advice I'm giving to myself... Give him space, MEN NEED SPACE... Unlike women, we over analyze and think about everything and quickly! Men need time to clear their mind first... You want to give him more then a few weeks, that way YOU KNOW he wants you for you and not just because you said to come back
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

He may not be having an affair but he has certainly discovered other options. Someone might have found him attractive and caused a spark in him. He might have found someone very attractive and emotionally available.

If he's not showing any anger, hurt or sadness, and your marriage was not full of conflicts, then he's most likely having an affair.

Very rarely people leave their spouse just to "be alone". Humans are not loners. They don't seek loneliness to become happier. They choose loneliness to escape from something that is hurting them.

If your husband was not being hurt or abused by you, then he's seeking temptation.

Spy on him and find out. Don't beg or plead. Just find out what's going on.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

I don't know, but two weeks isn't long enough. I'm not saying you're impatient, though. My wife's been gone for not quite a week yet, but it feels like one of the longest weeks of my life
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

well, in my case, i was not to wait at all.

my exgf told me she wanted some time a part to see what she wanted.
turned out to be a test i failed.

i was to read her mind and know that i was not to give her the time she said she needed.

but then again, if you dont give them time then youre being pushy and not allowing the to figure things out.

so who knows.
all these tests, games and the like.
never know whats really going on in someones head.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

First, you need to know why he left you. You need to know the reason, otherwise you won't know what you should do. There's a reason why he need space.

Time for trial separation is irrelevant to me. If he's thinking of finding somebody else, then you need to do 180 and forget about him. If he just fall out of love because your life is too routine, then you need to read about love languages and make him love you again.
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Old 02-03-2012, 01:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

It's kinda hard to work on a marriage when you're seperated. It's just my personal experience, but allowing my STBXW time for herself was a mistake. And before I learned of the affair, I thought everything had been great. She wanted her cake and to eat it too. She didn't want a divorce at the begining. I'm not saying your husband and my wife are the same, but I've learned that my perception doesn't make it reality.
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Old 02-03-2012, 01:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

Well, this started with him telling me he felt weird all of a sudden. Like he was having a funky day. That day turned into week, then a month, then several months. He tried ignoring it and it just became obvious that he couldn't stop thinking about how things felt weird and different. So I suggested maybe he leave if he couldn't figure out how he truly felt.

I have been leaving him alone. Not talking to him, only responding to texts if he sends them. Mostly to keep informed about bills or maintenance on the house. He comes over every other day to see his daughter in which case I leave to give them alone time. I haven't pushed anything which is why I haven't spied on him either to see if there really is or is not someone else. No one truly believes he would cheat on me anyhow or throw his family away for a "crush".

we have met on sundays to try and talk to each other in which case he continues to tell me he still doesn't know how he feels. I'm not nagging, not saying anything to give him a guilt trip, leaving him to his own devices. I have focused my energy on working my full time job, running my household, and of course on my child. I understand men need time to figure things out and staying near me may have made things feel more overwhelming for him. But this is a marriage, we are suppose to work out things together to move passed them together... it just feels like he is giving up because he just simply wants a change.
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Old 02-03-2012, 02:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

Ms. Limbo.....i've been doing a lot of reading. My marriage fell apart after 3 months of separation....they SAY that you should set a time frame...so that you're not "in limbo" for an unknown period of time....they recommend 4 to 6 months at most...they say most times (not every time but most times) when it goes over 6 months, that people get more comfortable being apart, and end up ending the marriage, because they get use to being alone.

I would sit him down and suggest going over a time frame...when that time frame ends, sit down again see how eachother feel about the situation...you can always cut it short...or extend it for longer. but having a pre determined time frame, helps.
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Old 02-03-2012, 03:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

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Originally Posted by CSeryllum View Post
Ms. Limbo.....i've been doing a lot of reading. My marriage fell apart after 3 months of separation....they SAY that you should set a time frame...so that you're not "in limbo" for an unknown period of time....they recommend 4 to 6 months at most...they say most times (not every time but most times) when it goes over 6 months, that people get more comfortable being apart, and end up ending the marriage, because they get use to being alone.

I would sit him down and suggest going over a time frame...when that time frame ends, sit down again see how eachother feel about the situation...you can always cut it short...or extend it for longer. but having a pre determined time frame, helps.
I guess I really didn't expect it to last even 2 weeks, which I have seen is barely much time in comparison with others who have already been separated for months. I thought this mostly because I thought we didn't have a bad relationship but maybe I was wrong. My worry is that we will set a time frame and it will get pushed back everytime because he still doesn't know "how he feels". Another worry I have is that it will become 2 months or longer and he will decide to "let me go" because he still can't figure out and he wouldn't want me to keep hurting.
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Old 02-03-2012, 03:59 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?

I know exactly how you feel...if it keeps getting pushed back, you need to draw a line..you shouldn't have to be stuck in limbo forever...and it's not right of him to do that to you.

It was equally a concern of mine that the separation lasting for too long would lead to a "comfortable not being around you anymore" situation and we'd end up divorcing because of it...that happens all the time, and it is a part of what happened to me.

I know it's nearly an impossible thought, i still struggle with it myself (my divorce was filed yesterday..and i haven't been served but its on the way...so trust me it's a fresh wound for me too)

However, try to keep a positive outlook...if it doesn't work, it's a terrible, terrible, nightmarish feeling...but realize that you cannot change someone elses mind, and waiting around for him to change his mind won't be healthy for you. Remind yourself that if it doesn't work, then it's HIS loss, not yours. You tried, he didn't (not really anyhow) so don't be afraid...it's scary, but taking it day by day, one foot in front of the other, I promise it starts to get easier, sooner than you think <3
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