He keeps calling and calling, and it's killing me...

SilverPanther · 02-03-2012, 10:26 PM

I posted the whole story of what happened to me and my husband here, but right now I am in a very bad place. I cut off all contact with him last night, telling him that clearly, ahead of time, that we could no longer speak until he gets himself help. But I know he is alone and miserable, and refuses to even recognize he needs help or to change, as much as I have talked to him about it over and over. There is nothing more I can think of that I can do for him, and he needs to deal with his issues himself, but this is just tearing me apart. I miss him so badly tonight I have been crying over it anyway, and then I turn on my phone after charging it to finding him calling it over and over. I know even if I answered it, it would just be more verbal abuse and guilt and blaming me for everything, and trying to manipulate me. But I have never wanted to just give in and go to him so badly in my life, just because this hurts so bad. If you do the right thing, is it supposed to hurt this much?

He is very mentally sick. He is unstable, and irrational, and has been mistreating me very much, and my life has been miserable for it for quite a while. But I feel no satisfaction in abandoning him to his own demons.

This is a disaster. I have to be up for work again in 6 hours, and I am a total wreck. I just don't know how to deal with this.

And before you advise it, I *want* therapy, I want the help and guidance of a professional to get me through this, but I have no insurance, I can't find any sort of community or free or inexpensive options for someone with low income like myself, and the therapists in the area are quoting me around $120 a session for their sliding scale rate! I can't afford that.

I just don't know how I'm going to get through this, or even if I'm doing the right thing.

CSeryllum · 02-03-2012, 10:59 PM

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. You're in the right place though...many people find they can't afford therapy, or help...sometimes through your job, your HR department may have FREE support available, and its anonymous. Not every company does this, but it is worth a try.

This forums is a great place to air out your issues, and get some perspective...and it's quite anonymous.

You mentioned your husband is mentally unstable...is this proven? I didn't see that in your last post, I only read that you *called* him mentally unstable? I don't mean this as an insult, i am just asking for clarification.

By what you say, it does in fact seem he has some serious issues.

One thing to keep in mind, is that he is hurt over this situation. He is acting irrationally, lashing out, begging, pleading, bargaining, denying....literally crashing through the stages of grief over and over again. That's what many people do...However, some don't handle it well, especially if he is unstable.

These actions typically don't get anywhere as they alienate their spouse, and further widen the gap.

My recommendation? Post your feelings when they are strong, when you have questions...when you need to reach out...you'd be surprised how many people will reach back.

However, don't expect every answer to your questions to be ones you're going to want to hear...sometimes perspective, and the truth, are tough pills to swallow.

I am no a therapist...just someone with my own level of experience as I'm currently going through a divorce. But, if you ever need someone to chat with and relate to, i'd help any way I can. I'm sure most people around here would do the same.

SilverPanther · 02-04-2012, 09:47 PM

Thanks CSeryllum, I appreciate that.

He won't go to any form of counseling, therapy, or even talk to a general practitioner about what's going on, so no, there's nothing official on his mental status. But everyone who has had contact with him agrees that he is mentally unstable, and many people have said he is treating me very poorly. I guess once I agreed to marry him, I sort of accepted that this was to be my lot in life- I was with the man I loved, but he did not love me the same, and he tended to take out a lot of his frustrations and unhappiness on me.

I know he is in pain, though. I know he is lonely, and miserable. He has pushed away everyone in his life, or lost them in one way or another. He has no good friends, no family he's speaking to. My dad has been trying to talk some sense into him (kindly, to dad's credit...I'm not sure I could be so level headed and objective were I in his place), and Josh has been talking to a couple of his exes recently, which certainly doesn't help us, but I'm not really mad about it, as I really just hate that he is so alone, but feel that I can't give in on this, that this is where the control and the instability has to stop for me.

I still blame myself, though. Part of me still feels that somehow this is my fault. I just don't understand how everything is falling apart so fast. He is saying he is taking off tomorrow, and I probably won't see him again, ever. It is hard to believe something I have dreamed about for so long, something I had so many hopes and plans for, and so many memories of...something that is so much a part of me, might be over. I have been through a whole lot of crap in my life, but nothing like this.

SilverPanther · 02-04-2012, 09:50 PM

Also- don't worry, I am definately not just looking to be told what I want to hear. I would much rather think someone is being honest with me, than holding back because they don't want to offend me. This does seem like a really good forum, and I'm glad I have found it. It helps to write about these things, and to air them in a community of people who have various experiences with marriage.

EleGirl · 02-04-2012, 10:08 PM

There is a lot you can do to help yourself with out getting the professional help which you cannot afford.

Some good books are "Dance of Intimacy" and "Dance of Anger". Look up books for persons dealing with family members with mental health issues. Reading and discussing here should be a lot of help for you.

CSeryllum · 02-04-2012, 10:16 PM

Yes this forum is a fantastic place to gain some perspective. You'll notice however, that some people post very...biased experiences. Sometimes things like "GET OUT OF THERE AND DONT LOOK BACK!"....those are biased...and aren't really helpful, not truly. So obviously take that into consideration, of course.

If he is leaving, let him leave. It's hard and painful to hear someone say that, even worse to watch them go...but the reality is, you can't change someones mind, and the more you try to fix things, the more broken they often become.

He needs to have his own time to figure out what he needs to do, help is seriously something he should consider. Perhaps he is too prideful, or thinks "it's for crazy people." but there is nothing wrong with talking to someone, especially a professional, about what he is dealing with in his life.

It won't help you to hear this, but Don't blame yourself! Obviously despite my saying it, you won't listen, not really...I know because people tell me the same thing, and I know they're right, but it's a feeling that is hard to shake..."I let this happen, I could have done something, changed something, taken a left turn, instead of a right turn."

Hindsight is 20/20...and that's what hurts...looking back and seeing things that happened, naturally you wish you could go back in time to fix/alter them.

However, I assure you, blaming yourself doesn't help, nothing can be done about the past, other than knowing it was there, and learning from it!

EleGirl recommended some good books. Her idea is very good...self-help books are VERY useful...go to a Barnes and Nobles and flip through some...it wont cost you a dime to read while you are in the book store, and you might be surprised at the amount of helpful content you'll come across.

EleGirl · 02-05-2012, 01:55 AM

The library has a lot of books for free as well. Just have to remember to return them.

I've heard that libraries now even have Kindle books. Great idea.

SilverPanther · 02-05-2012, 06:54 PM

Thanks for the tips on the books. I do like self-help books, I have a few for other issues and they're good. But the trouble is my situation is so utterly unique, I really feel a strong need to have someone talk me through coping strategies and ways I can get through this...since I just feel so lost I don't even know how to begin.

Yeah, "run and don't look back" isn't overly helpful advice, I would agree, not when a situation isn't entirely clear cut and simple. Although I'm fairly at peace right now with the choice I made. I do struggle with guilt, and with feeling more responsibility for situations than maybe I should, and yeah, because there is a part of me that wanted things to end for a selfish reason, I do sometimes beat myself up that maybe I made them turn out this way. But the truth is, looking it over and going over the chain of events over and over in my mind, I really don't think I did this. I might not have always been the greatest and most sensitive wife, but was my being too busy sometimes to chat with Josh when he wanted, or snapping at him when he made demands, enough to make a healthy, stable person snap? I really don't think so. Was my asking him to please include me in vital life plans like where we are going and how we are going to live in the middle of a strange country with no money and no connections an unreasonable demand? No.

When we talk now he claims I refused to come live with him in the house he bought us. But this wasn't the case. He wasn't even willing to discuss plans that included us living there until after I had already seen how unstable and abusive he was, and how erratic his planning for our life was. By then we couldn't even have a conversation without him hurling accusations, threats and ultimatums at me, so was I wrong to then refuse to even go be with him in Canada?

The emotional part of me feels like yes, if only I had gone to "save" him, we could live happily ever after. I know this isn't true. I have been trying to save him for 10 years, and he has only gotten worse. And grown to truly hate me, seemingly.

Here is what he wrote me this morning through text while I was at work: "you still honestly believe in the idea of no compromise and being a sadist. I guess this is it; Time to play Into the Wild of Frankenstein's Monster...I am going north and God-willing none of us ever meets a new person again in our lives- for either I am poison or you are...who the hell pledges love and then abandons the same guy four times and claims HE is unstable? How you've treated me was monstrous and you finally created a monster. Pray that I am never found."

I guess that was his goodbye. I tried to say goodbye to him last night. He asked me to call him, saying he just wanted to have a nice chat, not talk about anything, so I did call him, and we talked until he fell asleep. Then, when I realized he was sleeping so we weren't going to get to say goodbye, I told him I loved him very much, and I hope he had a good night, and that whatever the new day brings him it will be good, and that he will someday be healed. I finally hung up on him, but he called me back a little later having woken up and being full of renewed anger and determination to argue and guilt me into agreeing I was the bad guy, so I had to hang up. And that's that.

Sometimes I'm doing okay, sometimes I'm not. I know from past breakup experiences nights are gonna be the toughest, so I try to write things online and lose myself in my current favorite TV show, Lost (ironically), at night. Today at work I broke down pretty badly at one point though, because I started thinking about his cat. I'm a cat person, have been almost since I was born, but his cat I have always had a special connection with. She is one of the sweetest, most sensitive, and seemingly intelligent animals I have ever known. Lately he has been telling me she's been acting erratic, ill and emotional (I wonder why...cats know when something is sick and wrong in their person), and now I guess she has just been abandoned...I thought about after all that he must have put her through with his fits and his bathing in his own self pity and caring for nothing but himself, and now to be left alone...she doesn't do well alone at all, she needs people around her or she gets upset, on trips and things when she's left alone she would be very upset, and now she's all alone and she's always been an indoor cat so I don't even know if she can survive...and maybe you think it's really silly to be crying over a cat right now, but its like okay, fine, don't care about me, whatever. But to just abandon an animal that depended on him and loved him, and not even care what happens to her because he's too wrapped up in himself and his selfish temper tantrum he's throwing?

There is just so much that makes me so sad right now, and I don't even know how to begin to heal...which I know, I know, it's early yet, it takes time, but I'm someone who's used to having plans and strategies and timelines for everything...it's how my world makes sense to me, I guess. And this? I don't even have the foggiest idea which way is up.

Lone Star · 02-05-2012, 07:31 PM

Hang in there SP. I know you are going through tough times but I can see in your posts that you know what you have to do. The problem is doing it. I experience the same feelings of knowing what I believe to be right in my soul to wrestling with second guessing myself. I broke verbal contact with my H on Nov. 1st. I refuse all phone calls from him, sometimes I will respond to an email or text but that is not very often. I have struggled with the no contact, there have been times I didn't think I could keep it up but somehow I have. I pray that you and I can both remain strong.

CSeryllum · 02-05-2012, 07:50 PM

Yes I can agree...no contact is a tough one to get over. My wife just yesterday contacted me with a text asking me if I wanted to come get my pet (we have a few pets, but he's mine)...of course, she didn't really want to know if I wanted my pet...she was reaching out because she was lonely. I wanted to reach out too, but I didn't.

Eventually she kept bugging me, asking for an answer, wanted me to pick up her calls...so eventually I did.

I don't know if it was the right move...but I reason with myself that she was lonely, and this isn't easy for her either, despite it having been her choice all along.

We talked, and there was some bitterness from both sides, but the conversation ended well. Did that make any difference in the future outcome? No, not really. But it is nice sometimes, just to talk and say some things that needed to be said.

Lone Star · 02-05-2012, 07:55 PM

I would be open to talking to my H if I thought that any of the words spewing from his mouth were true. My H is a smooth talker and con artist so I have decided that anything he would like to say to me needs to be in writing.

SilverPanther · 02-07-2012, 07:08 PM

LoneStar- That sounds like a good idea. That was part of the frustrating part of talking on the phone with Josh towards the end. He would say things, then deny them, then claim I said things, then yell things at me and swear they were true and made perfect sense, and I would just feel lost and overwhelmed and not even be able to piece together the conversation after it happened very well. At least with writing it's firm and it's recorded.

Seryllum- It can be a hard call determining if you should or should not answer the phone. But if you think it would help the other person, and that they are not trying to hurt or use you through contacting you, then even if it's painful, I would still do it. I called Josh Saturday night even though I had told him we wouldn't talk anymore, but I guess I'm glad I did, since that might be the last time we will talk (possibly ever), it was maybe for the best.

It's good that your conversation ended well, even though it didn't change anything, it's still good to be able to talk rationally with the other person.

SilverPanther · 02-08-2012, 02:50 PM

So last night I got violently sick with stomach flu, which sucks especially right now because I'm bedridden and that leaves little to distract me, though thinking about him makes me feel even sicker.

I have the names of a couple counselors I'm willing to try, but trying to get up the courage to call one. I keep making excuses- "Not while I'm at work" "not while I'm driving" "not while I'm sick"...but I know I'll feel better if I call. Just finding that while it's easy to talk about bits and pieces of what happened, going to a counselor scares me because I'm scared of all the pain I'll feel on the way to getting through this. And I'm also scared of telling someone else and having my marriage and my mistakes judged by them. I know that's not the job of a counselor, to judge, but I fear judgment so much.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno · 02-08-2012, 02:58 PM

I went to a counselor and they didn't want to talk about what happened to me, they only wanted to talk about how I felt about stuff that I talked about. It was about ME, not what was done TO ME. It's different. I didn't have to take on identity of a victim to get help, I only had to become more of myself and learn to protect myself better on a regular basis, i.e. better boundaries.

Part of what I did was write to my H and say don't contact me any more. He hasn't and if he does I can get a protective order. It's that simple. All you would have to do is show proof you asked someone not to contact you and if they do then that's proof that they do not respect your boundaries. It's an order from harassment. You deserve space to take care of yourself, and you have determined that you can do this better if he is not constantly calling you because you find this troubling. All of that is okay and you do not have to justify it to anyone beyond that point.

SilverPanther · 02-09-2012, 04:59 PM

I told myself I had a week where I didn't have to do anything, to just deal with the pain and grief and anger and not feel obligated to do or focus on anything else. But as this week is drawing to a close, and especially since I have been sick and stuck pretty much in my room the last two days, I'm growing antsy. I guess I don't do well just sitting around, I have to be *doing* something, all the time. I don't know if that's good or bad.

But I made an appointment today to see my church pastor tomorrow. I am nervous about this. I guess my own shame and conflicted feelings about my marriage are leading me to feel he is going to judge me and condemn me, that I have been so stupid. I know he probably won't, most religious are aware that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and even if he's a jerk, so what? I can talk to someone else. But I am nervous to take the step of taking someone else into my confidence, I guess. Someone who's not a friend, and someone who's not anonymous.

Then I e-mailed the only person who's contact information I have from Josh's hometown. I have been worrying about the cat being abandoned, and then my Dad was talking about the cat today too, and wondering if she was okay, so I decided to e-mail this woman. She is an animal lover, and she's cared for Kiss (the cat) before, so I am hopeful she will be willing to go see if she's okay. I know that there really isn't much I can do for the cat, but I hate to think of her just slowly starving to death alone at his house. As much as I love cats I cannot bear to see one in pain, even on TV, and I can't stand around and do nothing if I think a cat is in trouble. This may seem odd, I know it puzzles some of my non-animal loving friends (and maybe even some of my animal-loving friends, too), but as crazy and unbalanced as Josh was acting, I would not put it past him to leave the cat. I hope he didn't, I hope he was responsible enough to find her a home before he took off, but maybe this woman will be able to put my mind to rest.

So now I guess a little at a time I'm putting things back together as best I can.