Newly separated and ok with it
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Old 02-04-2012, 12:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Newly separated and ok with it

I separated from my H 3 weeks ago and am doing just fine. He is not. I committed to marriage counseling but I'm not even really sure I want to try to make it work.

We've been together 10 years, married 5. It's a 2nd marriage for both of us. I have 2 teenagers from previous marriage he has one adult son. My kids live used to live with their father but moved in with us 2 years ago. The reason I left was that my H has a very negative outlook on life and is very controlling. He has to have everything his way, tries to dictate to my children how things will be, and has a very bad temper. (verbal, not physical). He yells a lot and has to be right about everything. He has managed to alienate my children from him. Both of them just want me to get a divorce. However, my husband and I absolutely love each other. So even though I was the one that moved out, I am also the one that suggested the counseling. Now that my kids and I are in our own home and there is not the daily stress, tension, and yelling, I'm not so sure I want to work it out. The only time I'm stressed now is when H calls me and wants answers about our future and puts me on the defensive asking if I miss him and if I want to be married and if I want to see him, etc.

My home is now a place of peace and calm that hasnt existed in years. My son who was failing every subject at school and has been the last 2 years is suddenly pulling A's and B's. I am finally able to parent my kids the way I want to without having H tell me what I should and shouldnt be doing. The kids are happier and my son is not angry all the time like he was.

I don't think H honestly acknowledges that it is his attitude and behaviors that brought us to this point. I know I cannot change him, but if he cannot see the need for him to change himself then it will never happen.

Our counselor has told us that the first thing we need to work on is his temper because if we can't fix that we won't fix anything.

Does anyone have advice on this process? I think I'm clearly at a point where even though I don't want to get divorced, if we did I'd be fine with it. But on the other hand I want to give H the opportunity to change. We are "dating" and see eachother 1-2 times per week.
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Old 02-04-2012, 12:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly separated and ok with it

Sounds like you're handling things well...and how couldn't you be? You are less stressed, your parenting more confidently, your sons grades are positively being affected...ultimately, you are happier right now.

However, your husband, is not handling things well. He sounds desperate, pleading, getting angry and demanding...keep in mind, this is very common, so don't hold it against him too much. He is just hurt.

However, he needs to man up, give you space and time...and stop trying to get back together, and start working on himself. If he can do this, and work on his own issues successfully...things will fall into place as they should. Otherwise...he's just trying to continue the EXACT same situation, that you didn't want to be in.

It's difficult, what you two are doing, even if you're ok with it... there's times, i'm sure, where you're lonely, or dwelling. However, you sound like you're doing very well when he isn't around...Just make sure you two are both honest with each other. Tell him what he needs to do, and what you want to see...and give it enough time to make sure that it's not a facade, that he isn't making those changes temporarily, just to "get you back"...they need to be long lasting changes, not "until i solve the problem" changes.
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Old 02-04-2012, 06:34 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly separated and ok with it

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Old 02-04-2012, 06:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly separated and ok with it

Coming from similar circumstances, with me being the one with the temper, I can say I understand how you feel. I look back at my behavior and how difficult it must have been to live with me and I'm appauld at myself. I don't want to make excuses for myself, but I have had to deal with depression and havoc it wreaks on one's moods and it's hell. I was just recently diagnosed with adulst ADHD and put on meds for that and feel a total change in my moods, more calm and less agitated and upset by stupid little things. The only down side is that I was diagnosed after the H left so I'm not completely sure it was him leaving that lifted some of the stress or the meds...or both.

I would say to give the counseling a chance, if you are both willing to go and give it a try. You're at least looking at all avenues to save your marriage. I only hope he's able to get a handle on them, for both your sake because divorce stinks.
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