Had to ask him to leave....
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Old 02-05-2012, 10:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Had to ask him to leave....

Hi everyone, this is my first post and I just wanted to write.
My husband left me and the kids in June basically because he was tired of being married (20 years), he is a fireman and has all kinds of nurses and ambulance girls constantly flirting with him. He swears he is not attracted to anyone the problem is me. He came back in September saying he was willing to go to counseling, etc. I gave in and let him back and he went twice to counseling and said thats it. He wasn't paying anyone who didn't know him to judge and criticize him. Come to find out later he was just sick of staying at the little room at his moms house with no air conditioning and he missed the kids, not me. Well since he came back he has treated me like crap, gone drinking with friends until 2:30 am, I found a couple of pictures with him and a girl on Facebook which he says she was just part of the group that went out and they are all friends. I can't tolerate the disrespect and example he is showing the kids. My kids are teenagers so they understand everything that is going on. Yesterday he was so disrespectful to me that I threw his clothes outside like you see people do on tv (I don't know where I got the nerve to do it), and I told him he needed to leave. That I had to show my kids what it was like to be a strong parent and not a weak one. I feel peace, but profound sadness too. I have been with him for 24 years and he has been the love of my life. I did nothing but dedicate my life to him. I have no doubt this is a mid life crisis thing but I can't tolerate the disrespect or wait it out any longer. My boys are ok with it, and my daughter is mad at me. I just feel so awful.
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Old 02-05-2012, 10:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Had to ask him to leave....

Hang in there. I too am going through a divorce from a man I have been married to for 20 years. My husband was the love of my life too but he has made to the choice to destroy everything. I have 3 sons and like yours they are old enough to know what is happening. Two of the three don't speak to my husband anymore and the third is on the fence, speaks to him very little. Your daughter will come around, my youngest was mad at me for a little while but he we worked through it and he knows his dad is a piece of crap.
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Old 02-05-2012, 10:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hang in there. I too am going through a divorce from a man I have been married to for 20 years. My husband was the love of my life too but he has made to the choice to destroy everything. I have 3 sons and like yours they are old enough to know what is happening. Two of the three don't speak to my husband anymore and the third is on the fence, speaks to him very little. Your daughter will come around, my youngest was mad at me for a little while but he we worked through it and he knows his dad is a piece of crap.
It just amazes me how this can happen, how they can just choose to destroy everything. He tells me I was living in Fantasyland, well I guess I was. He has been blessed with everything and crapped on it all. Some people don't get the things in life he got and he so easily threw it away. It's crazy.
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Old 02-05-2012, 10:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Had to ask him to leave....

sometimes what happens in peoples minds, is completely different than how things REALLY are. My wife didn't try to reconcile at all. Would not budge at all on the idea. I promised her the world, and she didn't want it. Why? Who can really say... but something in her mind convinces her that it's just "not right."

It is a sad thing...but think of it like this...if he doesn't want it, forget about him...There is someone out there waiting for you to come along, someone that not only wants everything you have to offer, but is willing to give you everything they have to offer you in return. Stay strong <3
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Old 02-05-2012, 11:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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sometimes what happens in peoples minds, is completely different than how things REALLY are. My wife didn't try to reconcile at all. Would not budge at all on the idea. I promised her the world, and she didn't want it. Why? Who can really say... but something in her mind convinces her that it's just "not right."

It is a sad thing...but think of it like this...if he doesn't want it, forget about him...There is someone out there waiting for you to come along, someone that not only wants everything you have to offer, but is willing to give you everything they have to offer you in return. Stay strong <3
Thanks for saying that, it's hard to comprehend when you love someone so much why they just don't get it, they should be feeling so loved but they don't like you said. This will be my 2nd divorce, I was married right out of high school for 2 years with a guy in the Air Force that got another girl pregnant while we were still married. i just feel like I don't know how I could ever trust anyone. I guess there is just never any guarantees but my heart is so raw right now I just keep thinking why would I ever chance feeling like this again? It's just sad and heartbreaking, and 2 times in one lifetime.
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Old 02-05-2012, 11:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I am joining you all... we have been together over 25 yrs, we have lots of kids pre-school to post college. I have kept things from the younger kids but the older kids all know and are furious with their dad. I will not try to protect their relationship (won't hurt it either) but he takes little responsibility for the harm he is doing to the me and the kids. I tried to keep him in the house for them, but the hate/disrespect that he was showing me was intolerable. I did agree to him needing to leave, but I also asked for some guidelines for our separation. He hasn't and won't discuss them. I have protected the smaller kids... but the resentment is building w/ each day that he won't commit to trying for a reconciliation.

When mine up and left within 5 days I felt a peace come over me and I gained some of my appetite and weight back. I am also seeing a dr (getting medication)along w/ going through additional medical issues (all the while he is gone and doing his own thing).

Work on detaching. After growing up w/ my H, I didn't think it was possible but it sure helps when I think about "ME" and or "the kids and I" and I am looking at changing up some of the house a little.

I do believe mine is a MLC that I triggered in a fight(but I didn't cause it he was already having issues and is using the fight as an excuse). I was thinking I would be patient, I owe it to US and the family, but w/o any signs of him doing anything positive toward "US" I am not sure how long my patience will hold out.

Starfish and LoneStar, what would you ask of them if they wanted to come back, or is it a done deal for you two?
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Old 02-05-2012, 11:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well, I for one, will not have him back unless we go to counseling this time BEFORE I would let him move back. He seems pretty happy at the thought of an exciting new life with possibilities right now though so I don't think it will but then again I do believe in miracles but if it is not my path for him to be in my life then I have to accept it. I have been doing a lot of reading because thats how I am, when something goes wrong I just want to read and research things. A lot of people in MLC either love it and leave or love it and crash. Some of them I am reading find their new life they wanted but very few, most just go back into the same pattern, and some eventually miss the old familiarities of home and come back or ask to be taken back eventually. I guess it just depends on how things work out for them out there. It's just that only time will tell and waiting for that to happen or not happen is hard.
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Old 02-05-2012, 11:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Had to ask him to leave....

I threw my husband's clothes out into the front yard once

...I ended up being the one to pick them all up and rewash them. Sigh.

I wish I had a really good answer for this. He sounds to me like so many other men, one who never grew up. Sometimes you just have to say "Enough is enough" and move on. Love doesn't equal pain.
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Old 02-05-2012, 11:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Starfish, what have you been reading? Any good books? I read several books about marriage repair, but now I am looking for some about moving on, detaching, MLC, abandonment, etc

So far several books that started to sound good didn't see to have a lot of credibility behind them. Suggestions?
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Old 02-05-2012, 11:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Starfish and LoneStar, what would you ask of them if they wanted to come back, or is it a done deal for you two?
Mama...I know I wasn't asked, but...if my wife wanted to come back, I would take it very slowly, and work on building trust back up. I would ask her to be honest and truthful, and express herself to me, without holding back "in fear of how I might react or think." I would also ask her to, instead of becoming emotionally involved with people online, that she open up to me instead...tell me, what she would tell them. Also, counseling is something I'd at least try.

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Thanks for saying that, it's hard to comprehend when you love someone so much why they just don't get it, they should be feeling so loved but they don't like you said. This will be my 2nd divorce, I was married right out of high school for 2 years with a guy in the Air Force that got another girl pregnant while we were still married. i just feel like I don't know how I could ever trust anyone. I guess there is just never any guarantees but my heart is so raw right now I just keep thinking why would I ever chance feeling like this again? It's just sad and heartbreaking, and 2 times in one lifetime.
I agree, I still feel that way...I love my wife so much, yet she doesn't respond at all...it is entirely unrequited. It is what it is, however, and sooner or later it gets easier to handle, a series of ups and downs, but it does get easier. Sooner or later you might decide that you aren't "in love" with him anymore either, but it takes time to let go.

You can trust people again, and sadly, there is an equal chance that those people will betray your trust. It's a 50/50 really...but if you think really hard...step back...and look at everything you've been through...you loved, you laughed, you smiled, you held one another, you had so many good experiences...right now, they all seem bad, because they may seem like they were "all for nothing." but they weren't. They built you up as a person. They made you feel amazing at one point.

It's hard to see that right now, because you love that person you shared your life with, and you're lost in the fog and can't see clear to the other side. I assure you though, when your heart heals up a bit more...you'll see that one big miserable experience, is easily outweighed by the thousands of little amazing and happy experiences that came before it.

Chin up, tomorrow is a new day.
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Old 02-05-2012, 11:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I agree, I still feel that way...I love my wife so much, yet she doesn't respond at all...it is entirely unrequited. It is what it is, however, and sooner or later it gets easier to handle, a series of ups and downs, but it does get easier. Sooner or later you might decide that you aren't "in love" with him anymore either, but it takes time to let go.

You can trust people again, and sadly, there is an equal chance that those people will betray your trust. It's a 50/50 really...but if you think really hard...step back...and look at everything you've been through...you loved, you laughed, you smiled, you held one another, you had so many good experiences...right now, they all seem bad, because they may seem like they were "all for nothing." but they weren't. They built you up as a person. They made you feel amazing at one point.

It's hard to see that right now, because you love that person you shared your life with, and you're lost in the fog and can't see clear to the other side. I assure you though, when your heart heals up a bit more...you'll see that one big miserable experience, is easily outweighed by the thousands of little amazing and happy experiences that came before it.

Chin up, tomorrow is a new day.
Thanks, I am sure maybe one day I will be able to see this easier.
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:00 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Starfish, what have you been reading? Any good books? I read several books about marriage repair, but now I am looking for some about moving on, detaching, MLC, abandonment, etc

So far several books that started to sound good didn't see to have a lot of credibility behind them. Suggestions?
I have been reading more online articles than anything else. I downloaded a couple of separation and marriage relationship repair,books but nothing that I have been able to say has helped mostly because to repair you have to have 2 willing people. I just come to the conclusion that no one really knows how to fix anything because no one is inside my husbands head. I have learned though more about mid life crisis. I guess I just find it interesting read because it's more fitting with his actions. So far, nothing has helped. But you know what? Talking and communicating with you guys here has helped.
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:24 AM   #13 (permalink)
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CSeryllum, Thanks. It is always nice to get a man's perspective! I agree slow and steady. If this would have been settled quickly I wouldn't have had decided on some things like what I would have required... now I have decided that my self-respect and family have been through too much to not have some needs myself too. It does get easier, but those darn back sliding moments are awfully hard on morale.
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:34 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Oh I can't agree more...backsliding just is more salt in the wound. I am finding myself that, while I love and would want her back (even though, at this point it wont happen)...that the longer we were apart, the more I suddenly had needs that she would have to fulfill...I stopped thinking, "What can I do to get her back?" and started thinking, "Wow, I'm willing to work things out, but she needs to make some serious changes."

Marriage takes two. One person can't do it all...and fix all the boo-boos....it takes TWO people, ready and willing to work together. I'm willing, but sadly, she wasn't.
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:44 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Do the 180. For you. Look up what it entails. I don't have the list on hand...
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They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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