I haven't been on here in a while. So thought I'd give an update, and a little encouragement to those who are finding themselves where I was six months ago.
Well, it got worse before it got better. My ex was being phenonmenally callous and low. Even I was shocked at the depths she seemed prepared to sink to. No point going on about it all now. Suffice to say I hit rock bottom. I thought I was literally losing my mind.
Somehow or other I managed to get through that period. Day to day, and sometimes ten minutes to ten minutes. The hurt, the pain, the humiliation, the flaunting of the new man in front of my face, horrible phone calls at all hours of the day and night demanding money and telling me how useless I was.
I just reached a point where I had enough.
I instructed my solicitors to start playing hard. I thought a good place to start would be to see exactly where I stooed with regard to finances, and rigidly stick to not giving her a penny more than she was due. Naturally she hit the roof, tried everything from threatening me to emotional blackmail. I stood firm, told her to stop calling me, to take it up with my solicitor, and that I wouldn't take any more of her ****.
That shook things up. And that was the start of my recovery. I finally learned to put up boundaries, very clear boundaries, about what I will and will not tolerate anymore.
I started feeling better. I started getting my confidence back, slowly, but I could feel it. I started enjoying my time to myself, no more hassle, no more stress, no feeling like I was living in a war zone and evbery day was like navigating a minefield. I started enjoying the female attention I was starting to recieve, the fact that I got my own little social life back on track, spending time with friends, and seeing how well my children were flourishing with me away from that horrible marriage. My daughter threw her arms around my neck a couple of months back and said "it's so nice to have my Daddy back". I had come back from a horrible place, not just the aftermath of the split, but years worth of emotional abuse. I hadn't realised just how bad an effect being in such a horrible marriage had been having on me.
And now? Well, I've recently started a new relatioship with the most kind, loving and affectionate girl I have ever met. She's so different to what I had been used to, we just completely click on every level, and I couldn't believe I could be this happy.
Ironically, my ex's life has started to take a downward turn for the worse. Nothing seems to be going right for her. Tough ****! I told her to stop calling me unless it was about the children, that she made her own bed and can now lie in it. Very satisfying as I meant every single word of it.
My point being, to those of you who are going through Hell and back right now. I stood where you are now standing. I know what it feels like to think things will never get better, and you'll be carrying this pain and hurt for the rest of your lives.
You won't.
It gets better eventually. You won't notice it at first, but it does. You WILL get yourselves back. You WILL get through this, and it will be so much better than before you won't believe it. You'll look back on these times and feel a profound sense of relief that you went through it, because what you get on the other side is something well and truly earned.
I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be happy again, let alone find anything as wonderful as this, and to have the peace of mind I have now.
The pain is temporary. Feel it, grieve the loss, work through it day by day. You'll get there in the end. It's all worth it.
I'm rooting for you all. Just know it will be your turn sooner than you think.
You have no idea how much I need that right now. I'm sure others do as well. Thanks and very happy you made it through to the other side so brilliantly.
Boundaries are indeed wonderful things. I didn't think it was very nice when my wife wouldn't break off with a man she had invited into her bed during our last separation. She "didn't want to hurt him for a bad decision she had made".
I guess she wasn't very worried about being nice to me.
I'm curious how your ex-wife's childhood was?
Are you familiar with it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Count
I haven't been on here in a while. So thought I'd give an update, and a little encouragement to those who are finding themselves where I was six months ago.
Well, it got worse before it got better. My ex was being phenonmenally callous and low. Even I was shocked at the depths she seemed prepared to sink to. No point going on about it all now. Suffice to say I hit rock bottom. I thought I was literally losing my mind.
Somehow or other I managed to get through that period. Day to day, and sometimes ten minutes to ten minutes. The hurt, the pain, the humiliation, the flaunting of the new man in front of my face, horrible phone calls at all hours of the day and night demanding money and telling me how useless I was.
I just reached a point where I had enough.
I instructed my solicitors to start playing hard. I thought a good place to start would be to see exactly where I stooed with regard to finances, and rigidly stick to not giving her a penny more than she was due. Naturally she hit the roof, tried everything from threatening me to emotional blackmail. I stood firm, told her to stop calling me, to take it up with my solicitor, and that I wouldn't take any more of her ****.
That shook things up. And that was the start of my recovery. I finally learned to put up boundaries, very clear boundaries, about what I will and will not tolerate anymore.
I started feeling better. I started getting my confidence back, slowly, but I could feel it. I started enjoying my time to myself, no more hassle, no more stress, no feeling like I was living in a war zone and evbery day was like navigating a minefield. I started enjoying the female attention I was starting to recieve, the fact that I got my own little social life back on track, spending time with friends, and seeing how well my children were flourishing with me away from that horrible marriage. My daughter threw her arms around my neck a couple of months back and said "it's so nice to have my Daddy back". I had come back from a horrible place, not just the aftermath of the split, but years worth of emotional abuse. I hadn't realised just how bad an effect being in such a horrible marriage had been having on me.
And now? Well, I've recently started a new relatioship with the most kind, loving and affectionate girl I have ever met. She's so different to what I had been used to, we just completely click on every level, and I couldn't believe I could be this happy.
Ironically, my ex's life has started to take a downward turn for the worse. Nothing seems to be going right for her. Tough ****! I told her to stop calling me unless it was about the children, that she made her own bed and can now lie in it. Very satisfying as I meant every single word of it.
My point being, to those of you who are going through Hell and back right now. I stood where you are now standing. I know what it feels like to think things will never get better, and you'll be carrying this pain and hurt for the rest of your lives.
You won't.
It gets better eventually. You won't notice it at first, but it does. You WILL get yourselves back. You WILL get through this, and it will be so much better than before you won't believe it. You'll look back on these times and feel a profound sense of relief that you went through it, because what you get on the other side is something well and truly earned.
I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be happy again, let alone find anything as wonderful as this, and to have the peace of mind I have now.
The pain is temporary. Feel it, grieve the loss, work through it day by day. You'll get there in the end. It's all worth it.
I'm rooting for you all. Just know it will be your turn sooner than you think.
Boundaries are indeed wonderful things. I didn't think it was very nice when my wife wouldn't break off with a man she had invited into her bed during our last separation. She "didn't want to hurt him for a bad decision she had made".
I guess she wasn't very worried about being nice to me.
I'm curious how your ex-wife's childhood was?
Are you familiar with it?
Completely screwed up mate.
With hindsight, that wonderful thing, she is classic borderline/NPD. She was incredibly messed up. I did the whole knight in armour on a white charger bollocks. And got repaid by being slung aside like a piece of chewing gum that lost it's flavour.
Worse I felt like I deserved it.
That's what that kind of Woman can do to your head. These days if she told me it was Tuesday I'd check the calendar, back then, I believed every word she said, especially if it was to do with my shortcomings.
She hates herself profoundly. She changes everything regularly, hairstyles, houses, cars, rearranging furniture, and apparently husbands/boyfriends too. I laugh when I see her with her new man now. She does the whole devalue and discard thing so classically, and she can't see the pattern. He's going to go the way of all men in her life, and I simply don't care anymore. I used to stress about it from the point of view of our kids, but they have all the love and attention and stability they need from me. I can't control what goes on in her messed up head, and it isn't my responsibility to give a damn either. From now on I take care of my own business, my family, my kids, my girlfriend. She can take a running feck up herself.
Leave them to stew in their own baggage. She had seven years out of me. She isn't getting a second longer.
Get on with life, it's all out there for you, don't let one psycho define you or drag you down.
You have no idea how much I need that right now. I'm sure others do as well. Thanks and very happy you made it through to the other side to brilliantly.
My point being, this was my time. One day it'll be your time too. Don't give up. Know you WILL make it just fine. Trust me.
Wow I really enjoyed your post and it has brought light into my situation as well. It is still tough. I would love to see my STBXW bounce up and around with relationships in the future. She doesn’t see her mistakes during our marriage. This is my struggle; I really do not wish that on her. Of overall she is still a human being, a lost human being. We all deserve to be loved. I guess I’m to attached to her.
Thanks for the uplifting post. I am especially frustrated myself right now because this is the second time I am going through this with my husband (though the first time he wasn't my husband- this time is so much worse), and I am really trying to mke sure I don't make the mistakes I did last time, that let him back in. While I would hope a miracle happens and he gets himself fixed and on the right track and comes back and tries to save the marriage with me, I know realistically if he comes back at all, it will most likely be unchanged, and I need to be prepared for that, and to not fall for his manipulations or promises again. I don't want to hate him, as Anotherstatistic said, we are all just lost human beings, and so is he, but that doesn't mean I should let him hurt me like he did ever again.
I still just feel very lost. But I am encouraged by your post, and glad to hear your time for happiness has come.
God I took a step back today big time. I was dropping the kids stuff off at the wife's place (formerly our place), and I was doing good not getting dragged into a talk. Well then it happened, and I started acting like a needy sniveling person again. Basically telling her how hurt I was, etc. Telling her I hoped she would regret this decision in the future, she said she might (yeah right). She tells me how wonderful I am, how I have all these great qualities, blah blah blah. Then I'm thinking, if I'm so great how could you stop feeling that way towards me? I know I shouldn't have done that, because now I feel even worse. Then she says I should get counseling. Well I have a bad opinion of therapists right now because she initially went to a therapist to save her marriage, then her and the therapist started talking more and more and she "realized" that there wasn't enough feelings left to save the marriage. So I'm kinda against therapists right now. I'm so sad though, the feeling of rejection. My wife had the gaul to tell me why am I so sad, the worse is over. YEAH RIGHT! I told her the worse is just beginning for me. I have to figure out how not to love her. She tries to tell me all the right things, that I deserve someone to love me, etc. But I don't feel that I'm capable of being loved right now. Man she messed me up good. I just can't understand how her feelings went away. She tells me that she will always love me, be there for me, etc. Yeah, nice consolation. Just four months ago I remember waking up to her after a wedding, her snuggling next to me saying I was the only man she ever wanted to wake up next to. How the hell does that change in just four months?
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For those at the start of the nightmare 
