For me I'm two months into this whole ordeal and I don't think it's ever going to get better. Being with the woman of my dreams for 11 years, then having her reject me with the I love you but not in love with you speech. I miss her daily, more than that I miss seeing my two children on a daily basis. I was not abusive, I was a great father, great husband, her rock for her to lean on, very affectionate, then she lost all her weight and not it feels like I'm disposable. I don't know how many times I think I'll never get to the other side. I just can't understand it at all.
So my H came over he has been gone almost 1 month. He has seen our children 2 times for about 90 mins each, last time may have been longer my older kids couldn't say and I wasn't home. Today was the first time I saw him since he moved out. He never took off his coat. My husband of 25+ yrs came over to get his car and see our kids. He was ready to go in an hour. The kids did pepper him with questions about coming home... and I did nothing to intervene, because I always come up with excuses for him. This time I went upstairs to shower.
He fidgeted with his pocket (secret phone?) a couple of times and no idea if he used it while we weren't together. It never made audible noise so... it used to when he lived here.
For me I'm two months into this whole ordeal and I don't think it's ever going to get better. Being with the woman of my dreams for 11 years, then having her reject me with the I love you but not in love with you speech. I miss her daily, more than that I miss seeing my two children on a daily basis. I was not abusive, I was a great father, great husband, her rock for her to lean on, very affectionate, then she lost all her weight and not it feels like I'm disposable. I don't know how many times I think I'll never get to the other side. I just can't understand it at all.
Proud, I am really interested in this from your perspective because it may have hurt my marriage too. How much weight had she lost? Did you tell her how great she lost while she was losing? Did intimacy occur more w/ her weight loss or go the opposite direction?
As a person who lost a lot of weight (baby weight x many babies) I became confident /felt sexy again and felt like others paid me more attention then he did. This is totally my perspective. He would say the same thing... he never complained about my weight but as a woman gets older it's harder to lose weight and I wanted to get healthy...and to feel sexy yet again. It's selfish and vain... but that's where my head was.
I always told her how beautiful she was, I encouraged her weight loss because she was doing it to be healthy. I told her how sexy she looked, how amazing she was, how proud of her I was for doing this. Our intimacy over the last few months increased, but it was not due to her weight loss, I think it was more due to me trying to hold on to her, sensing that maybe something was wrong.
Re: When does it get easier when living in Limbo Land
Quote:
Originally Posted by proudwidaddy
I always told her how beautiful she was, I encouraged her weight loss because she was doing it to be healthy. I told her how sexy she looked, how amazing she was, how proud of her I was for doing this. Our intimacy over the last few months increased, but it was not due to her weight loss, I think it was more due to me trying to hold on to her, sensing that maybe something was wrong.
Thanks for that. My H thought he was reassuring me too, but I guess I didn't "feel like it" to me or it had to be asked for... hey honey look I am in a size 6 jeans, then I'd get a compliment type of thing. He was always very supportive. He cooked most of the dinners for the rest of the family while I was on a really restrictive part of the diet.
Our intimacy went down... he said it was because I wasn't pleasant to him, I say it's because he never came to bed with me and/or he definitely disconnected from me this past fall.
My drive was going up the more weight I lost, more confident I was getting and I think his self-confidence (if I am to believe what he told me) was going down..... Even the little touches he use to do walking past me came to an end...
I am just trying to figure things out and some friends said it was the weight loss that ended our marriage... I'd put it all back on if it fixed things... okay not all of it, but maybe 50 pounds ... if it helped.
Yeah my soon to be ex wife won't admit that it's because of her weight loss, I think she is still in the fog. I always complimented her. I did feel a little self confident, she lost about 65 pounds. Towards the end I felt a little like does she still love me, does she still like the way I look? It's so tough because the last three months our love life was never better, she would surprise me with things, woke me up one night after coming back from her girlfriends because she was in the mood. I thought we were doing better, man was I wrong. It's tough because I'm such a touch kind of person, I miss all that now. It's been two months since I last was intimate. I'm not going to have that again for awhile. The thought of my wife sometime being with someone else, it's a killer.
Yeah my soon to be ex wife won't admit that it's because of her weight loss, I think she is still in the fog. I always complimented her. I did feel a little self confident, she lost about 65 pounds. Towards the end I felt a little like does she still love me, does she still like the way I look? It's so tough because the last three months our love life was never better, she would surprise me with things, woke me up one night after coming back from her girlfriends because she was in the mood. I thought we were doing better, man was I wrong. It's tough because I'm such a touch kind of person, I miss all that now. It's been two months since I last was intimate. I'm not going to have that again for awhile. The thought of my wife sometime being with someone else, it's a killer.
I lost 95lbs in just over a year. (Or should I not tell people that?) My H had told me about that thought to (me being w/ someone else) and said it was super painful... but he left me.
I am not waiting forever w/ no signs of him trying or any signs that he is into me anymore. I am a physical touch/words affirmation type of person... he has taken all of it away and did it quickly. We have been fighting for almost 3 months and before that the affection was rare for 3 months before that.
This makes me realize that I need a change!
You are welcome. I was so proud of my wife for everything that she did, and it seemed like her new found self confidence destroyed the marriage. What a kick in the butt. I was there through everything else, then when she finally got to where she wanted to be, I became disposable.
Just because I wanted to add some here, I may have said some of this already...
He left me (never came home) the day I found out I needed surgery (he didn't know about the surgery but knew about the appt) it took him 8 days to ask how my appt went and he only asked because he saw someone hug me on FB on a day off...
Last week when I was having major surgery/in the hospital 2 days and incapacitated for a while (as my 4 yr old said/learned the word) my H was on a business trip. We didn't know where he was and his family cell phone "wasn't working." If we wanted to get a hold of him it had to be via FB.... talk about deceptive, cold and leaving little to no hope? Oh btw he got into town and is working now, coincidence?
I had another drs appt today (call back on questionable tests) and we text back and forth about kids today... did he ask how my appt went? Nope. Did I volunteer? NO.
Errrrr ... back to being positive. He will not bring me down.
I need to dream of a better tomorrow.
I guess it gets easier with time, but if you have children together there will always be the reminder of the loss and the impact on your children's lives.
I don't think people are truly divorced when they have kids together since all of the decisions regarding the children are made just the same as if married. Money is still exchanged for child support, medical expenses. schedules are still discussed for parenting.
discussions about birthdays and x-mas gifts. What are you going to get them???
Divorced with kids is a big lie imo. Your essentially married but have separate households and different sex partners.
Learn to let go and focus on yourself. This is difficult, and a week ago I didn't see how to let go. As the week progressed, and realize I did miss my wife, but not the woman who left our marriage. There is a difference.
Take actions for move forward... this means take forward steps despite the hurt, loss and pain, and forgiving yourself for inevitable backslides.
Let the hurt out, allow your tears, release the grief when necessary.
Give up on false hope.
Seek help from a counselor and people who can tell you what you need to hear, and not what you want to hear.
Catch yourself laughing out loud when you hadn't remembered the last time you did.
You can appreciate the smile of another man/woman not because you're interested in anything transitional, but because you recognize future possibilities (dating, for example).
Start to give advice on this forums instead of being in a desparate need to receive advice.
Remember that time does not heal all wounds in its own. Rather, it's what you do with the time is what helps heal.
Realize you will never love anyone else the way you loved your spouse, and that's ok. You will eventually love someone very differently, and that love will most likely be more mature, rewarding and nurtuting, provided you have learned from your experience.
I guess it gets easier with time, but if you have children together there will always be the reminder of the loss and the impact on your children's lives.
I don't think people are truly divorced when they have kids together since all of the decisions regarding the children are made just the same as if married. Money is still exchanged for child support, medical expenses. schedules are still discussed for parenting.
discussions about birthdays and x-mas gifts. What are you going to get them???
Divorced with kids is a big lie imo. Your essentially married but have separate households and different sex partners.
We have a large family and I agree there's no way to be able to cut all strings (sucks).
Learn to let go and focus on yourself. This is difficult, and a week ago I didn't see how to let go. As the week progressed, and realize I did miss my wife, but not the woman who left our marriage. There is a difference.
Take actions for move forward... this means take forward steps despite the hurt, loss and pain, and forgiving yourself for inevitable backslides.
Let the hurt out, allow your tears, release the grief when necessary.
Give up on false hope.
Seek help from a counselor and people who can tell you what you need to hear, and not what you want to hear.
Catch yourself laughing out loud when you hadn't remembered the last time you did.
You can appreciate the smile of another man/woman not because you're interested in anything transitional, but because you recognize future possibilities (dating, for example).
Start to give advice on this forums instead of being in a desparate need to receive advice.
Remember that time does not heal all wounds in its own. Rather, it's what you do with the time is what helps heal.
Realize you will never love anyone else the way you loved your spouse, and that's ok. You will eventually love someone very differently, and that love will most likely be more mature, rewarding and nurtuting, provided you have learned from your experience.
Just my $0.02.
I do work on about 8 of those and am doing okay on those
The bold ones are the ones that I am / will have difficulty with for a little while longer.
Thanks Canguy... it's been 10+ wks since this hell started and 4wks today since he walked out w/o any sign of 'working' on us being off of work I focus way to much on somethings I can't change/control.
1st month - I did it all wrong cried more than I knew I could (I'm not a crier except for stupid commercials)
4 - 6 wks (soft 180)
since then hard 180 (well as hard as you can w/ kids involved)
I guess it gets easier with time, but if you have children together there will always be the reminder of the loss and the impact on your children's lives.
discussions about birthdays and x-mas gifts. What are you going to get them???
Divorced with kids is a big lie imo. Your essentially married but have separate households and different sex partners.
I totally agree. Right now he is being very agreeable but I can see that not lasting long.
This morning when some of the kids were gone and others were trying to leave for school he came over because he wanted to talk to me. He had something he felt I would want to hear in person. (I started shaking like crazy talking to my older kids .... what could it be?)
We talk a few minutes and he jumps into his news...
He will not be moving back in. He is volunteering to do as much travel as work allows and will be getting an apt (that WE can't afford).
That's it? I didn't think he was coming home. H3LL! I wasn't sure I'd let him move back in w/o going to IC or MC...but it was too early to think about what I would have wanted. He has promised to get help for 8 wks and hasn't. I wasn't holding my breath. I did offer him a chance to come home on the wkd since it would have been only a week before his next job out. He can't be in the house. He can't stand to look at me. At one point he agreed to go to a counselor but it won't help. I made the mistake of saying with that attitude you're right. You have to go in w/ a better attitude. (He said I was controlling and being critical of him again). Later he told me on the phone he doesn't see this ever working because he could never have sex with me again. He told me to tell the kids daddy is working and won't be home. *my kids will never want to get a job!
Later I called the family/couples counseling office I was looking into and made an appt. He can take it if he wants or I will.
He really needs to be the first one to go for his own sake so that he won't feel ganged up on or whatever people fear them for. But if he refuses to go... it will be known to my adult children (who are struggling w/ this as well) and I will start setting up all my little ones to seeing a counselor. I will start the divorce process if he doesn't show up.
I told him he is holding onto a lot of anger, hate, and despises me... He said I don't hate you.
He says when I look at him he thinks I hate him.
I told him that I am sorry he can't see how sorry I am or how much I love him (first time I said that in 28 days or so)
YEah I broke the 180 but he needed to 'hear' it.
Soooo... comments... veggies to be thrown at me? Criticism? Support? Suggestions?
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Re: When does it get easier? 
