melissa68

Hello everyone,
I am a first time poster. I came across this site while looking for some information on why a spouse would just pick up and leave his family.
I have been married 5 years/together close to 9 years to my husband. He has a really bad habit of walking out when there are stress in our life. He usually goes to his parents and stays a few days and when he's ready we talk/he comes home. This has led to some deep resentment by me towards him for doing it and towards his family for letting him every time. His mom says I should just let him to cool off since he has a hot temper. We have a beautiful little boy together who is 4. I have two boys from a previous marriage. He has raised them like his own for 9 years now. We have definitely had our ups and downs in this relationship...mostly over his leaving and anger. He can be horrible when he gets angry. I've gotten to the point where I say things like "well just go to your mommys already" when I know hes about to leave. I know its coming and I think I'm just so angry and resentful for it that I "beat him to the punch".
All that said, I thought we were doing pretty good as of late. He found out recently that where he works is closing down and he would have to make a decision to stay with the company and move to another area or leave. We were talking about what we would do as a family. The week or two before he left, we had done things like open a new bank account and he had his paychecks direct deposited in to it, filing taxes and making plans on what we were going to do with the money, talking about my birthday...normal things....no talk that would suggest he was leaving. In fact, the weekend he left, we had just spent out of town as a family. We did a lot of fun things as a family together. On the drive home, we talked again about his job, about my birthday that was two days away. Him asking what kind of cake I would like etc. Normal. We got home, the neighbor came over drunk complaining about our dogs barking while we were gone. My husband went outside and started a huge fight with her. When I walked out, he was standing over her calling her terrible names and she right back. I tried to calm the situation...he went inside...I stayed outside to calm her down. When I came in, I said "wtf was that all about?" He said Oh I knew you would take her side, way to stand by your man...thats worth a divorce....literally packed up some things and left just like that. That was 2 1/2 weeks ago. Since then I have tried, possibly obsessively to talk to him. I've called, emailed only to for the most part get no response. When I do it was to say it was my fault. And now its to say that he's doing this for his family because he loves his family 'more than I could know' He has only come to see his son one time since all of this....no phone calls to him or his stepson.
I feel like such an idiot to even keep trying to reason with him....to get some sort of answers to how he could do this. I sent a final email last night....asking him to please not give up on his family....pouring my heart out. He did send an email back but did not allude to anything I had said that was emotional....but did say he would call me tonight after work. He hasent called....

I wish I were stronger than I am....I feel like a groveling fool begging for his love when he's the one that walked out on his family with no regard at all for me or our children. I should hate him and file for the divorce he seems to want so badly rather than beg him to come back. What is wrong with me?

Thanks for anyone who made it this far. It's good to have somewhere to write out my feelings. One thing I wont do is give that to him anymore....instead of any caring, he treats me like I'm annoying him....heartless...

SailingSoloAgain

Wow, you're been through a lot. I'm sorry for your pain.

This one is beyond me so I won't offer any advice.

I will tell you you've come to the right place. There are a lot of intelligent caring people here. You'll get some helpful advice soon

justwhy

The devil in me says change the locks.. But the angel in me is telling me give him time & prepare for the up and down.. Sorry u going through this.
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melissa68

Well the devil in me did change the lock...not that he's noticed...was I wrong to do it? I question every move I make....one minute I'm so angry at him and the next I just want him to take me in his arms and tell me its all going to be ok.
My 4 yr old misses him so very much. They were so close....how can he hurt him like this???

hisfac

The more you chase the more he's going to run and if you make it seem like all your fault even if he comes back he'll feel like he can get away with anything.

Plus the way he was screaming at the neighbor calling her names while it was your dog doing the barking and the neighbor simply making a valid complaint says a lot about how nasty and irrational he is.

Problem is you rushed into a second marriage, you've got a blended family and the fallout on this one is going to be huge with a whole lot of collateral damage. Time to pull back to the trenches, it's all about damage control and getting on with your life rather than trying to save a sinking ship with an irrational and belligerant captain at the helm.

CSeryllum

My wife left me (well, wanted a divorce, told me to move out, so I did)...we both owned the house, and she changed the locks without telling or asking me.

With that in mind...if his name is on the title....and has no legal reason preventing him from coming over (IE, restraining, or protective order),....then he can kick the door down, smash the window, pick the lock, get a new locksmith to make a new key....you name it. He has every right to enter his own home, there is no law against it without a restraining/protective order.

I'm not saying any of that to scare you or upset you, I'm simply telling you my experience...he probably wont like it, but then again, he was the one that walked away, maybe it'll be an eye opener for him.

nomoretogive

Melissa:

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My husband does the same thing whenever there are stressful times -- walks out the door and then goes dark, refusing to take my calls, respond to e-mails, refuses to come see the kids, et cetera -- usually for weeks on end. It is the most frustrating thing to deal with, ever, especially from a "grown man." My husband did this five times last year, with the last time being on Christmas Day, leaving my kids devastated. It took him almost three weeks before he came to his senses and finally called, and that was only because the kids and I were involved in a car accident and I texted him to let him know that I had to file a claim with the insurance company.

Of course, he wanted to come home and rug-sweep everything and act like he had just gone on a business trip or something. In other words, he wanted us all to pretend that everything was normal and that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. By this time, I was beyond sick of his childish behavior, walking out every time he didn't get his way or things got tough. I insisted that he see a counselor, and I went with him, to make sure we got this issue out in the open. She got onto him and told him that his family was not optional, at least not in the sense that he wanted us to be, and our home did not have a revolving door on it to accommodate his childish outbursts. She told me in front of him, "The next time he pulls this shiiit, go straight to the courthouse and file for divorce. Give him what he wants and refuse to let him come back. Take the option off the table for him and send him on his way." She also made sure to let him know how his behavior would look to a judge when it came to custody and visitation. He was floored that someone other than me was saying the same words.

After several counseling sessions, and for financial reasons -- in the sense that we have some joint financial things that need taken care of from the recession and can't afford two separate residences right now -- he was able to come back home...but under the condition that if he walked out the door again, it was over. In fact, I have the divorce papers here, sitting on my desk, out in the open, and he has figured out that I am serious.

Having gone through it so many times, I've found that the more I tried to contact him, the more he pulled back and avoided us....even if contact was legitimate, aka kids' health issues. He just didn't want to hear any of it. BUT the more I pulled back and started moving on with my life and just went about my business, the more willing he was to initiate contact on his own. It's tough to just let them go, wondering WTH happened, and why you are being ignored. Trust me, I know. It's the most devastating thing ever. In fact, Google silent treatment, abuse, and you will better understand just how abusive this behavior is. It literally kills you emotionally being cast aside, made to feel like nothing; times two, because you're watching it happen to the kids, also.

Anyway, I could ramble forever because this is something that I have a lot to say about , but every time you find yourself wanting to initiate contact with him, take a deep breath and find something else to do. Don't be the bigger person here, because this is not your fault. In fact, stop apologizing and telling him it's your fault. IT IS NOT!!! He chose to walk out the door and handle the situation the way he did. He is the one who owes you an apology and an acknowledgement of the behavior.

If he does initiate contact and want to come back home, I would strongly suggest that you find a way to get him into counseling so that he can learn better and more productive ways of dealing with his anger and frustration, find ways to turn to you in times of stress instead of away from you. I would also make it very clear that this is a dealbreaker for you -- if, in fact, it is -- and it's not negotiable: The next time it happens will be the last time.

The counselor said that my husband does this because while he's a grown man, he's got the emotional maturity of a six-year-old and acts accordingly. Not sure if that's the reason for your husband acting this way, but it's something to think about and explore if he comes back home if you want your marriage to last. Otherwise, you are going to be full of resentment, walking on eggshells wondering what will set him off next, and that's no way to live, either.

I wish you all the best, because this is just a tough situation with no easy answers. Just know that you and your child do NOT deserve to be treated like this and start defining some boundaries to protect yourselves from it in the future because whether he comes home or not, you guys will have to coparent together and you do not want this to be an issue every time it's his turn for visitation.

SilverPanther

Hey, I'm going through something somewhat similiar. I am so sorry for what you're going through, it is just awful. I don't have a lot of advice on what you should do, as I am trying to figure that out for myself right now. I am feeling ashamed that I have spent so much of my life and my heart on someone who could coldly turn his back on me, and just trying to pick up the pieces.

Try not to feel ashamed for loving him. There is no shame in caring for someone, even if they don't deserve it. But that doesn't mean he should have the power to crush you. What he is doing is NOT okay.

Hang in there...you're not alone.

dadda11o

Hi, Melissa. Sorry about all the stuff that's been going on with you. Some of the things in your post make me think of what I'm going through (and have been through). I'm on 2nd divorce from my only husband. He walked out of the house in October, 2010 supposedly to go to work. Instead, he took off for the weekend with a married nurse, filed for divorce shortly after and is still living next door with his mother. The divorce is hanging and I came to post, but just saw yours and thought I'd share some of what I've learned, whatever happens, stay strong as you can; don't take all the blame!

When your husband walks out and won't communicate back until HE'S good and ready, that's called "stonewalling" (crazy-making, too). Sometimes when people are angry, they know they need to take that "time out" in order not to say things they wouldn't if they were calmer. The major difference is that the angry (but more emotionally mature) person will tell you in some way that is what he is doing. Plus, it doesn't generally take "a few days" or more for a more emotionally healthy person to cool down to the point where they can communicate at some level. There's a book, someone probably knows the name of it; stonewalling is called one of the "4 horsemen" indicating a marriage that may be doomed.

I wanted to say that first, because it seems clear, when you said he did not allude to anything you said that was emotional, that there is a major disconnect. The last 6 months ot so, my husband would do the stonewalling, which drives me nuts because I like to get problems solved or at least be working on it (they are at least acknowledged). So I would end up talking at him after a time, which never changed anything. I finally started telling him, "a decent man (person) would ... (at least acknowledge me, say that we would deal with it later, try to solve the problem differently." I think it was starting to finally break into my conscious mind that my husband didn't give a darn about me, wasn't a "decent" person, or some of both. We have been through these battles for years, so it's not a problem of his being unaware or uninformed as to his own response. I'm saying that because it sounds like you have some real problems in your marriage and I know people don't always have the awareness of "what they are doing wrong" or why/how it is destructive. Plus, it is hard to change, even when you want to.I'm not saying theses things to get him off the hook, though, either.

When you said that you would even say "well just go to your mommys already", I'm going to guess that was a sarcastic comment - it sounds like things that used to come out of my mouth. Both an admission of defeat and a hint of strong anger, after I'd tried many times and ways to end the scene differently. Also the fact that he does have that type of relationship with his parents, still, as a grown man, doesn't bode well (to me). I moved 2000 miles to live the last 21 years within 3 miles of HIS parents. He can't break a promise to them, he can't stand up for me (our family) against them or his siblings, either. When he came back from his weekend of "love", trying to play it off like he stayed alone in a motel for a weekend alone to think (I had indisputable proof), I packed an overnight bag and delivered it to him at work the next evening when he got off. Our children were upset and I thought some cooling off time would be good. He went to his brother's for several weeks, then to his mother's, where he's been parked for more than a year. You don't say much about the parents, but I know MY mother-in-law actually reinforces his destructive tendencies. Hopefully, that is not the case with you, but it sounds as if they don't see anything "weird" about a married person "running away" from their marriage AND RESPONSIBILITIES on a regular basis. I guarantee I'm not going to let my children get away with that, if it ever enters their minds. Especially the over and over.

Can you get a legal referral? I was able to take advantage of that through my husband's work EAP. If it does end in divorce, you really want to do things right and protect yourself. I won't go into my (very) long story, suffice it to say, I gave him the divorce he wanted back in 2000, no attorneys and more than fair. Didn't demand settlement right away, etc. It was all calm, then it was over and the grief began. From being forced to sign a quitclaim to get ANY money to sporadic visitation with yelling/screaming/threats/to being dragged into Court with him trying to get restricted, supervised visitation ... You need GOOD information and some sort of strategy. It would be fantastic if you could sit down with an attorney and explain that you don't want a divorce (that's the impression I'm getting), but that it might be inevitable (at some point) and you want to get information that will help in either scenario.

You don't say much about your own support system there, but if you are feeling relief by being able to write out your feelings here, I am guessing that you are not in therapy and that there aren't many people who you can share your feelings and problems with. That is something that you really need to have. Personally, I'm in therapy and I (finally) have some family and friends with whom I can share some personal stuff with - they can listen and be supportive; they neither tell me what to do or tell me that "it'll work out (be ok)" and they really aren't judgmental of him, making me feel forced to defend him and then totally second-guessing myself. I don't talk with friends/family a whole lot about the situation, because I don't want burn out my support OR be "her" (the one everyone tries to avoid because they are going to be subjected to the melodrama of the week). You could start by looking around to see what's available. I went to a support group (different issue) several years ago that was fantastic, because I could really see people making positive changes and they were getting ahead in life. Plus, hearing other people going through some of the same things as me but getting through and beyond - it was very motivational and comforting. A good therapist, on the other hand, can help you unravel where you are "the problem" (where you are doing some self- or marriage- sabotaging) and and where other difficulties are likely originating from, also finding different ways to deal with the problems you are encountering.

I'm sorry if I sound pessimistic about your marriage; I'm likely a little oversensitive to certain things, myself. I took all the blame for the longest time, I was the pursuer and I have sacrificed, given up or had things taken from me for years.I know there are likely to be a lot of differences in our situations and I hope that things turn out well for you. That was my hope for my marriage, as well. I had stopped going to therapy about a year before my husband took off, because I was doing well and successful therapy ... well, it means you can handle life without it! My therapist had occasionally commented on my husband previously when I was relating about things going on, but we never delved into it. But his comments came back to me when this all came up and my husband seemed stuck on his course of action. It seems my husband has traits of a personality disorder (or an actual personality disorder). I was able to make enough changes in the way I related that my adaptations were the glue that held things together (when we got back together). I'm not really sure as to why the glue "broke" now, but I can honestly say that I have tried everything reasonable to make things work and I can also honestly say that giving in to his demands/expectations would be self-destructive to me. I offered to go through formal or informal mediation when he decided to divorce, but he got an attorney to "wap" me. Unfortunately, things haven't gone his way this time around, but it's still a unpleasant situation to be stuck in. I'm hoping that some of what I've shared or what others have to share can help you from getting into a similar predicament.

nomoretogive

The book referred to by dadda11o is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. If you Google "Four Horsemen, stonewalling," it will bring up some bullet points of all four horsemen and ways to remedy the situation. Love John Gottman's work!!

melissa68

nomoretogive,
thank you so much for your post. I truly think my marriage is over. He is at my parents house where they ask no questions, no repercussions for his actions...its where he always goes. He has said in on uncertain terms that he is done...though I have been obsessive about calling and demanding an explanation....he calls it guilt..and says he wont take any more guilt msgs/calls from me. No feeling about how much hurt there is. The only kind thing he has done is leave the joint bank acct open so I can pay the bills.

melissa68

thank you for your advice. I'm sure he'll never even notice the lock as he won't come by....he would have to confront what he did and hes not very good at that.

melissa68

quicksilver,
thank you for your post. I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. It amazes me how someone who seemed to have loved you so much can seemingly turn it off in an instant and have no regard for the pain you're feeling...like its annoying or frustrating to them to have to hear about it!

justwhy

don't worry when mine did come. he kicked it down. text me at 2am today to say " sweet dreams, i miss you" .. guess what ignore. after 3 weeks.

LexusNexus

I feel your pain, my wife left me without explanation. I tried for 3 month to get her back. As a father I dont understand your husband I have 4 year old boy. Who means world to me. He stays with me 4 times a week. I drive every day 25 miles one way in the morning (1hour worth of traffic) just to have breakfast with him. And every night in traffic to say good night (when he is not with me)

As a men I made a lot of mistakes (mostly due to the age) I am 30. The only mistake I will never make is seeing my son every single day at any cost. My parents left me when I was 4 years too. I am now 30 financially successful, and stable. Everytime they see me once a month they say I am so-so sorry.

I hope it will work out between you and your husband, but now you will see his other side. When I saw my wife other side. I said dont ever call me, or talk to me.

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