SailingSoloAgain

I got a text first thing this AM - "I love you and I'm not going to give up on us"
Texted back and forth a couple times but no conversation. We're going to talk tomorrow, I'll keep it light. So after a good morning on v day followed by a horrible night with my imagination having a field day, I'm again very hopeful.
Back again to the top of the rollercoaster...

SailingSoloAgain

Update: She called, we talked, all very positive, very pro marriage, and very loving. She wanted to get together tonight. I have previous plans I can't break (a meetup group I organized that's having first get together tonight, mentioned in another thread). She asked if she could go "so that the other women there know that you're married". Big thanks to Athol Kay for some of his strategy suggestions. She also asked if it would be OK to "bring her toothbrush", a reference to a poorly timed email from me a couple weeks ago.

So she's coming over, we're going out, I'll be alpha male-ing the bejeezus out of a sizable group of people, and she's bringing her toothbrush.

I'm as happy as can be but no dummy so I'm at defcon 4 for now.

It could be time to move my yammering over to the 'reconciliation stories' topic, we need a higher thread count there.

proudwidaddy

@Sailing I'm so happy for you. I talked with my stbxw today and she basically attacked me for being the victim out of this, even though she initiated the divorce. Trying to justify everything. I don't even know who she is anymore. Oh well, I guess I just have to tell myself it will be her loss.

CantBeJustMe

I got the ILYBNILWY speech years ago. Same thing but it was worded “I just don’t feel towards you like a wife should feel towards a husband.”

No EA’s or PA’s. 100% certain.

My wife had become a Stay at Home Mom to our son. Turns out she actually was suffering from depression. Later diagnosed with possible PTSD. Her regular doctor recommended she see someone, she did, and was prescribed anti-depressants. I honestly can’t remember if I got the speech before or after the meds. Sex life disappeared, at her direct request. She had gained weight, she cut her hair off, it was an ugly, dark time.

We did see a MC during that time. We saw him several times together, then he asked to see just her. She went to a couple of sessions. She made the comment in the car on evening, after I picked her up after a session with the counselor “Even the counselor thinks I’ve got another man.”

I did the usual stuff, ran around like an idiot, looked around every corner looking for the boogey man. It finally dawned on me one night, after coming home and wife got off the phone with one of her good friends.

“What the hell? When do all these people think I would have time for another man? I don’t anyone, much less another man.” Still remember that talk.

Friend of mine, whom I was really close to then, offered to check things out. He did. Nothing.

She never used the computer, not even email. (I’m an IT guy, I know. This was also more than 10 years ago. Facebook and other social media was pretty much non-existent.) She didn’t have a cell phone, I checked home phone records. Both neighbors were friends of mine, I would have known if someone came over while I was working….hell they came over to see who it was when a buddy from out of town visited and we left his car in the driveway.

After being dense for a long time, turns out the majority of the issue was her being a stay at home Mom. She had always worked full time outside of the home before. I pushed her to get a job. She did. It gradually got better, and after a year or so it was worlds better. That was part of my problem. I was comparing our relationship now to the worst time of all. The only thing I would say is lacking right now is frequency of sex and affection…and after just a few weeks of working on myself and not FOCUSING on her, that too has improved.

So it’s not always. There are exceptions. But coming from someone who went through it, I can’t say an affair wouldn’t have been easier than going through depression of a spouse.

When your spouse has an affair, at least you have someone to “focus blame” on. When there is no one else, and your spouse doesn’t want to be close to you, I think that can make it even harder.

Just my take.