this is tough
my wife had an emotional affair back in the summer, we seperated in august. we have three small children 7,5,4. she moved to her moms back then, and we share joint custody of the kids. i was married for 7 years, together for 9. im still at my home while she is at her moms a mile away. she filed for the divorce and the last papers were notorized on monday, so its all but done. it has been an absolute roller coaster ride to say the least. my grandmom who raised me died on the 4th of july of this past year, which devestated me. this ea was going on all throught the summer. back in the spring i got hit with the ilubnilwu line. i immediately knew something was up although she would deny it. by august i couldnt take it anymore, i said what the hell is going on, and she said im in love with someone else and i think you know who it is. happened to be her brothers cop partner, which is what i had suspected all along. i immediately flipped out. she left soon after. after digging i discovered texts, and phone calls going back to the beggining of the summer. even on the day my grandmom died. despite all this for the sake of my kids who are my world i tried to work it out, but she was ice cold, and emotionless. i still cant believe it is the same woman i married, its unbelievable. after a few months i was just as cold to her, no words unrelated to the kids, i was so angry at her. after awhile this anger began eating me up, i couldnt do it any longer, so i started being friendly towards her cause i didnt want to give her the satisfaction of knowing it bothered me. i keep this up for awhile and she procceeded to file the divorce. my anger recently creep up on me as the divorce process bought out alot of anger again. i just cant seem to get over the fact that this is life, and i have to be away from my kids and miss out on so much so this little ***** can go be happy. my kids hate living like this, but she doesnt care. i often sit and think about it all, and my main anger is the fact that she created all of this by doing what she did and could give to sh!ts less. you would think we just dated for 6 months and had no kids the way see acts. i forgave her months back for the ea, but i can never forgive her destroying my family and having me away from my boys. im having a hard time because i really dont want to be nice to her, but i dont want to be angry either. i know indifferent is the best way to be, its just hard when someone throws you out like trash and never looks back. she was my best friend and we had alot of good times. i still cant believe all of this it truely sucks. on top of all of this i was hurt back in 2009 at work and had 4 knee surgeries over the past couple of years and lost a really good job because of my injury. i put this woman all through school and she is 4 months away from a masters degree. she didnt work in all of our years together so she could get this degree so it would help us. lmao. yea its really helping me now. i busted my ass for years so she could get this only to leave me. the messed up part about all of this is once i do find work again i wont be able to have my kids as much, maybe only 2 days a week. when i think about that i could just snap. i really dont think shes even with this guy, i dont think he wants to be with her, hes 31 no kids, good living. the ea was pretty much all her, she initiated all the contact, and texts. i think he just flirted with her never thinking she would leave me.who knows. she says shes not with him or dating anyone. i told her i didnt care if she was. all i know is this has all been terrible. ive dated and gone out, had fun, had a couple one night stands, which made me feel better for awhile. it really did. but i just cant shake this feeling of pain. i feel like down the road the only person ill ever get is someone with a bunch of baggage themselves. think about it, what woman in their right mind would want to get seriously involved with someone with three kids. the thing that has struck me through all of this is i had one shot at a regular family. and she ruined it for me. no matter who im with, this dysfunctional way of living will continue, and that is the root of my anger and what really pisses me off and makes me sad. sorry for the long rant, im just feelin it today.