Razberry

I just need to know what I'm feeling is okay. So we separated back in Oct. Was trying to work on it, but when I tried he stopped. Long story, my mom was sick for two years, was taking care of her and everything was on the backburnner, but he was never there for me anyway - alot of resentment on both parts I guess. Well after she passed, we started counseling again, I put the effort in, he backed away. We had a blowout and he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. Found out he joined an outline dating thru facebook. Told him he made his decision - he said I didn't know what he was talking about. Well he moved out in Oct. We were trying to be amicable about it cuz of the kids. Fast forward to Dec. He has the kids Xmas Eve (15 & 17 age). In Jan he went away to FL. Then I find out out he went with his new GF and even took her to FL to meet his parents and was with her Xmas Eve with my kids. He told kids about her but told them not to tell me. Kids are kinda messed up now when I found out I was so hurt kids lied, but know they were asked to by their dad which was wrong on so many levels.

So my question is.... even though the marriage was over, I just feel so easily disposable. I thought that maybe the separation would do us good, put things in perspective and see if we really wanted this or if we could work it out. I was such a good wife for such a very long time, but when I needed to have a good husband (never really was always what I could do for him, not what he could do for me) he just wasn't there. Everyone says its for the best that he has showed his true colors, I just feel so hurt by it all, after losing my mom (we were very close) and then for him to do this, its like he never really cared and the 20 years were just so he could have a caretaker. He is now living the life with a GF, clubbing, dinners and spending money that we don't have cuz we are supporting two households. I have kids most of the time and he just squeezes them in. (need I say that he is not well either and I took care of him for a long time - he had a heart attack right after mom passed and didn't like that I couldn't react to it which yes I couldn't I was still so numb).

I feel like the time and effort and all the good times were so easily erased, again that I was so disposable and when I was in desparte need of him - he just left. Any suggestions to get out of this slump and get my confidence back up?

Mamatomany

Wow he is moving fast! Could this be a MLC - I mean a heart attack can really trigger it. Are you all in the process of divorcing?

Are you ready to move on? Have you looked at your financial state if you file for divorce? Filing will protect you from the bills he is raking up and will hopefully make it easier for you to make ends meet (so he isn't spending on new gf) and then you can move on as well.

I would feel hurt by my kids too if they lied... that was cruel of him to ask them to do that. Did you discuss this with the kids, asking them not to lie? That it was more hurtful them keeping that secret for their father than the fact he has a gf? I bet they felt like they were protecting you by not telling you more than protecting their dad.

Razberry

I am sure it is a combination of both a MLC and unhappy with me and our marriage. I can't say I was the most supportive for the last two years either, but he gave me no reason to be. I do have to move on now and know that, its just everyday is so hard and I lost my support system (mom).

Thank you about the kid comment. I have been feeling so guilty about being upset with them, they just did with their dad asked, but I have been a mess since my mom passed and that really sent me over the edge, but yes they were probably protecting me too. It was a bad position for them.

Financially, I work and there is money from my mom so he has fought me in regards to support. I finally caved because I did not want to spend a ton of money in attorney fees. the only problem is I am self-employed so now I will have to pay for medical whiich will be another expense and stress. So I just worry constantly.

Mamatomany

Your best bet is to start talking to lawyers. The first visit is usually free. I'd meet with a couple. He is going to fight you because he wants to spend money on the new GF... you have to fight for what you want for you and the kids.

You rarely hear about men who run away to a new/younger GF that will be fair (monetarily and otherwise) to the wife of 20 yrs. He isn't thinking of you or the kids. Fight for what you want!

I personally have relied on some online friends and my co-workers for support. Not having your mom to talk all this through must be really tough... I hope you can find another relative, close friend or people here on this board to share your pain and get advice.

Razberry

I have seen a lawyer and we are in the process of drawing up a separation agreement and then I guess he will file for the divorce as I paid for this. He is still paying all the household bills, but there is not much leftover after paying out. He does not have an attorney and we were going to go this route and then file when I get my business built up enough to support me and kids and get medical insurance. I just have to hope he holds up on his end. Its just emotionally this is very hard, but in reading this site, I see that the first 6 months to year is hard (although I guess in his instance he is having the time of his life).