Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-25-2012, 02:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Recent Development: STBXW has "invited" a woman from a Scandanavian country to our former home in order to help her out with ranch and farm work. In fact, she arrived here just late last week.

Youngest son has been doing some summer work earning college money, for a retired church friend of mine in the same town where we used to live. He has actually been staying with STBXW some during this process, and does little theatre rehearsals at night there. In all of this time, there is still no communication of any kind from her, not that I'm expecting any.

According to him, he met the woman. He says that she is only 21 years old and is supposed to be conversant with farm and ranch and equestrian work. I wasn't acutely aware that they had that kind of work in far northern Europe.

I do know that the last girl that she moved in was about that same age, but they supposedly had a "falling out" sometime last fall. FB acquaintances inform me that STBXW is talking about European, Asian, and Australian trips in the not too distant future. So I'm taking it that she brought this girl in to take up the slack of the farm work.

Either that, or she just seems to have a thing for young working farm women! Right now, I'm somewhat inclined to have my attorney strike with something just as soon as she is out of the country again!


"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #47 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-25-2012, 02:34 PM
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Arb,

Set phasers on stun.
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post #48 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-25-2012, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

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Arb,

Set phasers on stun.
Conrad: I was actually entertaining the procurement of a court order allowing me to go into the residence to retrieve the balance of my physical property(furniture/clothing/incidentals, et. al.) while the house is being baby-sitted by her live-in during STBXW's absence as those international trips of hers can take anywhere from 10-14 days to complete.

The only items that I cannot get to would be the jewelry items that are supposed to be locked up in a house safe. But I can have the court order specify a date by which those items need to be surrendered/conveyed to me.

In any event, I plan on having the court send a deputy to intervene during the process. And I'm thinking that it might actually make her lawyer show up from another city and milk her for $350/hour for his services for as long as I'm there. And being the ever-safety conscious type of guy that I am, I can be real slow moving stuff down those stairwells. Heck, I may even have to make 2 or 3 trips over there to get it all.

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #49 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-25-2012, 03:53 PM
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Your situation sound a lot like mine.

Currently separated 16 months. Husband is active-duty military with a position where he does NOT want anybody to know about our "separation." I asked him to make it legal, and he refused.

I moved out of state (no invitation to join him at his new duty station with our son) to take care of my elderly parents. Even with all the stress that goes along with care, he hasn't called in the six months I've been here. Emails were weekly, friendly things until I sent him the "I can't hold you against your will--you're free to go if you want out" email. That was a month ago today!

He is emotionally distant and, according to my counselor, narcissistic! When he married me, he said he "worshiped the ground I walked on." I raised his four children after his divorce and have been available to them through five military deployments of his. He is distant from the children, too, and doesn't go out of his way to contact them. When they contact him, they tell me he "sure does want to get off the phone as quickly as possible."

We are both educated with professional degrees. I can't believe I fell for this--at times I feel like a complete loser. When he told me early on in our relationship that "I'll divorce you, if you ever get fat", I thought he was joking. I didn't grow up with any kind of weight problem whatsoever. He also used to joke with me (so I thought) about marrying me, saying "If it hadn't been you, it would have been somebody else."

So, I'm hanging on for another year or so not knowing if he's genuinely interested in working on our marriage or not. He has dropped hints of positivity and then recoiled with negativity. I think some of this may have to do with midlife crisis--impending retirement, unfulfilled in marriage, some health issues, no relationship with his children, etc. My dad is very wise and said he thinks our relationship is in the back of my husband's mind right now and that he is trying to focus on retirement and all the feelings that go along with it.

Any interpretation from a male point of view is appreciated. I'm an extravert; he's an introvert. Couples with the emotional distance, I have no answers and don't know where I stand. I've learned that men speak with their actions, not words. I just feel so stuck!!
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post #50 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-25-2012, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

MilitaryWifeAK: There are definitely some similarities there. But mine, at least by my perception, is more about her money than anything else. Read the running litany of events. It made me think that there's the presence of another guy, but after all of this, I'm not real sure. Earlier today, we were directed to drop my son off at STBXW's daughter's house. It was rather interesting that STBXW's vehicle was neither at her daughter's house, or even at her own house! Other times, it has certainly been OK for him to be dropped off at STBXW's abode as she has told him that she has left the doors unlocked for him. But strangely enough, not this time!

Have you or your husband filed any actions yet. And if so, what state would have jurisdiction? I sympathize with what you're going through. But look after those kids~ heck, he ain't exactly doing it and you may be the only vestige of parenting that those kids have.

Trust me! He will truly reap the rewards from all of the seeds of discord that he has so richly sowed with you and those kids over the years of your marriage. I truly wish you well, my dear!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #51 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-25-2012, 05:42 PM
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Arbitrator: Thanks! You really seem to understand what's going on. I did read through your entire posting and caught on to the money issue in your situation, but I think I totally latched on to the things in your situation that mirror the things in my situation!

You're right about reaping the "reward" from the "seeds of discord." I just hate it for the kids. It's bad enough for me, but their biological mother abandoned them, and not it seems that their father is abandoning them, too. They're all adults except for our teenaged son, together, and it still hurts them.

We want to reach out to him, but he won't let us near him. My visit to his new duty station left me feeling more alone than when I really AM alone, as he informed me ahead of time that I would be sleeping in the guest room. He made no advances to me whatsoever, and a part of me feels as though he may have moved on, emotionally.

Thanks again for your encouragement. I only wish there was someone I could tell the whole story to and get the most truthful response possible. Maybe, sometime...
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post #52 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-25-2012, 05:46 PM
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Oh, I didn't respond to the filing of any actions. He told me to "be ready at the end of this tour", and his position will not lend itself to divorce. (I can't give out any more information than that.) He wants me to get what I'm "due" from the military benefit side of things, and being married a full 20 years will do that.

What does this mean for me? It means I'm married for another 12-24 months (depending on whether he files at 20 years or at the end of this tour), it means I continue to live day to day not knowing what's truly going on (he won't open up), it means I continue to work on the marriage alone (he isn't "in the right frame of mind" for counseling right now).

He has said "when I get my head together, we can work on the other things." Not sure what that means, but I won't file for D. I want to fight for the marriage. It's a horrible thing not to be wanted. I was adopted as an infant and have lived with the "bane" of being unwanted all my life. This sucks!!
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post #53 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-25-2012, 06:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

I truly feel for you, AK, and know what kind of predicament you must be in. If he isn't, in the least bit, interested in holding on to your marriage, then in all fairness, why should you? It is rather evident that he is employing the same mantra as my STBXW did~ emotional and physical abandonment, plain and simple; and it really makes me wonder if he isn't involved in either an EA or a PA with possibly some other woman.

You deserve far better, but I admire you for your Christian principles in fighting for your marriage! You are to be lauded for that! But there might well come a point in time when you will come to realize that you might have just been spinning your wheels. In any event, just look after the emotional welfare of those kids because you are truly their lifeline~ as it's certainly not him! Put your trust in God and pray often about it. He will not put any more on your shoulders than you can possibly bear.

As all of my TAM compadres will richly tell you, "we're so sorry to see you here, but you've absolutely come to the right place!" Not only will we try to convey useful advise to you in your situation, but maybe you can do the same for some of us. After all, the "give and take" of social therapy does us all some inherent good, whether we're on the giving or the receiving end.

God bless you my dear, and continue to look out for those kids! And we'll be here for you if you should ever need us!

You'll fastly remain in my prayers!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 06-25-2012 at 06:14 PM.
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post #54 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-30-2012, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Update:

Learned second-hand from youngest son that STBXW is taking off for a three week vacation somewhere on the East Coast. Left yesterday. She gave my 18 year old son permission to stay in her house with her recently acquired 21 year old lady ranch hand attendant from Europe. Can't say that I'm wild about that.

Then my son informs me that he is going "sky-diving" with one of STBXW's convict kids who was arrested for possessing and doing drugs and what not, and crap hit the fan. Son told me that he was going no matter what, and further told me that just because I hated STBXW and her kids didn't mean that he didn't like them.

I told him I didn't want him running around with dopeheads like STBXW's kids were, and demanded that he not go with them. If he wanted to go with a church, youth, or academic group who shows responsibility, then I might reconsider it. I asked if STBXW was paying for it, and he said "no," that he was. I told him that money would be better used for his academics at college this fall, and I got the old "it's my money~ I'll do as I please response." I then told him that if he went, that I'd cut him off and would have some influence on him possibly losing his summer job over it, in addition to threatening him with moving back home with his natural mother. He said it made do difference, that he was going, no matter what.

I talked to my oldest son who agreed with me and offered to counsel his little brother. He told him he should use better judgement in who to associate with and that my STBXW's kids were not the type.

Don't know if I came down too hard on him, but he was mad at me for the duration of yesterday, but has been in a rather pleasant mood this morning.

On another note, a mutual friend of mine and STBXW who does FB, alerted me that there was a photo posting in her montage of a couples shot with her and the OM lovingly posing next to each other back in February over in NOLA during Mardi Gras. This was a friend and co-worker of STBXW's now deceased husband and hers. I now remember having met this guy back in early 2011 when he came to town to pay her a visit in our home under fairly innocent pretenses. He wasn't there even an hour as she was busy showing him our historical home while I remained busy working in the study.

FYI, her FB marital status is still listed as "divorced," as it has been for a little better than a year now. The sad fact of the matter is that we haven't even had our first scheduled hearing in court yet.

Well anyway, it was just weeks later after this guys "initial" visit when she asked me for the "trial separation!"

I think that I've been doing relatively well preparing for the eventuality of court and I also know that I've, and with a lot of success, done the 180 on her(and, obviously, she on me). But after having seen that photo and making the associations, it really just rips my heart out and makes me want to lose faith in mankind!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 06-30-2012 at 01:00 PM.
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post #55 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-30-2012, 12:54 PM
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

She's evil.
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post #56 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-30-2012, 12:58 PM
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

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She's evil.
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My little brother died on April 18, 2015 after losing the fight to cancer. Please help me be able to bury him. My parents do not have the means to do so. http://www.gofundme.com/sd4ch9bk
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post #57 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-30-2012, 01:06 PM
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Arb,

Deep inside, you had to know it was something like this.

Her "trial separation" was a thinly veiled smoke screen to pursue her fantasy with posOM.

So much of your story really didn't make any sense until this revelation. I do feel for you.

Hang in there.
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post #58 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-30-2012, 01:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Thanks, Conrad, Bandit, and Pidge, for your care and concern for me as well as for the boys.

I'd really love to contact STBXW's family, who I really deeply care for, just as they seemed to care about me; but legal counsel has ruled that out at this particular point in time! Getting the 180 from her is no problem~ but from her folks, who showed me and my sons family love and compassion, is conversely, quite torturing!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 06-30-2012 at 01:19 PM.
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post #59 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-30-2012, 02:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

It just now dawned on me of an occurence with my STBXW way back in our "dating days" a couple of years prior to our marriage. At that particular point in time, she was divorced from her ex-husband who was rehabbing from alcoholism and living in his own home some 25 miles from her.

We were going out on a date that evening, but she said that she had to drop her kids off at his house since where we were going was located in his vicinity. I objected because I knew that he was crushed by her one-sided divorce from him and told her to take the kids over there and just come back and get me. She called me a "baby" and told me to go on along as it would save us so much more time.

Even though he was supposedly a very docile guy despite his alcoholic malady, I thought that my presence would hurt him so very much. I went on along, and she steered the vehicle right into his driveway where he had to have had clear view of me. I never felt so ill at ease in all of my life. I sternly told her to never ever subject me to that ever again. But she seemed so unmoved by it, telling me that I needed to be confrontational every once in a while.

Sad thing was that about a year later after we became engaged, his alcoholism finally killed him.

Hindsight always being 20/20, I should have pulled up stakes at that point and moved on to more worthwhile endeavors. That whole experience illustrates how she seems to get a rise out of hurting people. I guess that I am just far too trusting!

Now, I can fully understand what I feel that her true modus operandi really is!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #60 of 633 (permalink) Old 06-30-2012, 04:05 PM
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Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Arb,

Your WW is a bi*ch!

You should reach out to her family.

Ask them if they can let you into the house so you can get your stuff while she is away.

Mention the facebook "divorced" status to them and remind them you have not even gone to court yet.

Or better yet maybe the sheriff can give you access since you are technically married.

Again I feel for you but stop thinking about her. You knew she was cheating.

The only good thing is she is paying for your kids education out of guilt.

I do hope she does not charge that to you in the D proceedings.

Stay strong. The lady definitely has a screw loose.

HM64
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