I'm 25 years old, and I've been together with my wife for 6 years, and married for almost 4 of them.
I'm a Christian man. I don't simply mean I go to church on Sundays and forget about it. I mean, I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that he has us all here for a reason, and that our main objective is to follow him, and to serve him, and to serve others, and not just ourselves. Love is the most important thing out of this life, and that doesn't just mean marriage love / physical love / emotional love....just LOVING in general. It's what the lord teaches us.
Over the course of our marriage, my wife has almost left on a couple occasions.
I don't know why I am even posting this. I can't even begin to explain it.
I just feel so alone. I hate coming home to an apartment with all of her stuff gone. I hate not talking to her. I hate that I had a women that was so in love with me, that has cried and told me how she was so undeserving of me and that I was the most wonderful man she has ever met, and I always assured her that she was completely deserving of me...that she's a wonderful amazing beautiful woman, and that I would love her for the rest of my life and always do what is best for our marriage.
And now....she's gone. She's gone because she wants to be gone. She's gone because she doesn't want to have to worry about someone else's emotions - we got married right out of college, and she wants to experience life for herself with on restraints. She wants to worry about herself and that is it.
She doesn't want to go out with me and friends because she is still tied to me. She wants to go out and have nobody to report to except herself.
I am just dumbfounded. I have always loved her, forgiven her, given her the benefit of the doubt in every situation, and stayed completely faithful to her throughout our marriage.
I've sat here and said "God, divorce is not right, and even though this woman is going so far away from what marriage is supposed to be, I'm holding on to her, because you can do miracles". And He has done miracles, he has brought us through some crazy hard times. When we got everything straitened out last time, I finally felt secure....that we were good...that life will always have its ups and downs...but we were going to be able to stick it out because we love each other, and we both wanted to be there.
But no, of course not. A couple months down the line, and all this crap comes up again.
Marriage is not about a freaking feeling. The second you tell you spouse "I don't feel in love with you", you're completely in the wrong. Love and Marriage is about commitment, 100%, because feelings fade. Everyone comes down from cloud 9. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I can assure you that I am a better man and husband now that I even was at the beginning of our marriage - I listen. I support her. I'm not selfish, I swear to you.
I know she's talked to another guy - on more than one occasion. Another guys who is 100% on the opposite end of the spectrum that I am - an absolute lowlife who has been involved in other marriages before and broken them up. Why can't this girl wake up? This is the woman who loved me, and loved the Lord, and it's like....she is just reverting back to this teenage mentality of....If I'm not happy right now, I'm gonna do whatever makes me happy, because I deserve it.
Everyone wants to be happy, but I hate the whole "I deserve happiness" line. Life is hard. It has its ups and downs. I have faith in the Lord that he will bring us through any trial that we can even face. People kill themselves over failed marriages. The Lord is bigger than that! Your life has purpose...it really does! But why do we go through these hard times that push us to the absolute brink?
Because if life were that easy, faith Jesus Christ would be irrelevant. It builds us to be better people. Nobody ever said life was fair, because it certainly isn't.
I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and I believe that only because I have faith in the Lord. I can leave work right now and find my apartment burned to the ground, but I know i'll get through it, because I have faith in the Lord. I have faith that there can be someone out there who could love me like I have always loved my wife.
Unconditional. Selflessly. Accepting of them for exactly who they are, and not pointing our their flaws. Someone who wakes up in the morning, and doesn't always wonder "is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?". Someone who wakes up and says - I'm content with my life because I love my God, I love my husband because I COMMITTED to him, and I am going to make this the best day possible for My God, For My Husband, For Myself, And for everyone else I try to come in contact with, because the Lord has called us to LOVE each other.
Call me biased because I have a feeling of love for me wife, and obviously she is "feeling" something different. Of course it's easy for me to say these things. What if I was the one to start being temped and "losing" these feelings...then what? Would I stand strong? You may say "you've never been in that situation so you don't really know what you would do!"
I know who I am. I know myself. I know my heart. I know my standards. I would have loved to have a beautful single tempting woman show up at the office one day while I was married right after a huge fight with my wife, because I guarantee you....absolutely...I would shoot that down.
Love is a choice. You fell out of love? That's you're choice. Life is hard. "OH but...". Don't give me excuses. We're all imperfect. I'm not near perfect. Neither is my wife. But I love her regardless of any imperfection she may have.
Honest to God, I am not a ****y person. This is just a ton of typing from somebody like myself that you are never going to meet...just words on some forum on the internet from someone else going through a huge mess. I have flaws like everyone else, but if the Lord provides me (and I hope he does so much) with another women to someone come into my life, she's going to be a lucky woman, because she's going to have a husband that she never has to worry about what's going inside his head. She's going to be able to know (just like my current wife, ex-wife whatever you want to call her) that when I say I love you...I mean it...and I mean it for the long haul...until I take my last breath.
And believe me, I'll be a lucky man as well. To have a woman who can bring the same thing to the table...just a love that is consistent and happy and not always wondering what else she could have done with her life.
If you made it this far, I appreciate you reading this. I've just been typing away for 30 minutes and not looking back.
God bless you guys and girls and men and women that are going through this mess as well. Stay strong. The Lord cares. He wants our marriages to work even more than we do. He really does. But we cannot control someone else's actions, even when it makes absolutely no sense, and you wonder "Who in the world is this person standing in front of me acting like this? Don't you remember how much we've loved each other over the years?"
Stay strong everyone - God bless you from the bottom of my heart. The Lord has a plan, and you're part of it, just like I am. It may seem like the end of the road, but it's not. There is more to come. Some of it will be good, some of it will be bad, but that is life. The reward isn't always going to be something we see on this earth.
Brother, we are on the same page. I agree with much of what you have written. And I don't believe in divorce either (especially when children are involved)-- "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder."
However, Christ also says that we must be gentle as doves and wise as serpents. It seems like you got the dove down, but you need more of the shrewd serpent part. Don't let your wife know your going to put up with nonsense. If she doesn't know how to behave, give her the boot and shake the dust off from your feet. Hopefully, like the prodigal son, she wakes up and realizes the misery she has caused and repents.
You have a huge heart, and I really hate to see you being subjected to all of the hurt and the pain that you are. Keep faith in God, because he has a plan in all of this. Even His plan might induce some pain, in and of itself, but it will truly mold you into the Head of the House that He has deemed you to be. Don't carry this burden alone; please rely on your Church and your pastors for help with your mental well being. And always pray to our Father sincerely for His guidance during these bad times, and give Him the glory, thanks, and praise when things turn around. We'll say a prayer from here for both you and your wife! Best of luck, my friend. And keep the faith!
A big difference in my situation is that I was a terrible husband. I took my wife for granted, was extremely critical of her weight, had an emotional affair, and never made her feel like she was a priority in my life. My work/life balance was completely backwards and she tried pointing this out to me on several occasions, but I though I knew what was best. I never made her feel important to me and gave her the quality time that she asked me for. I ignored my wife's feelings and concerns for too long. I have finally realized how much I need her in my life, unfortunately she is convinced that a divorce is the best thing for her now. I finally woke up with God's help and want to fix our relationship, but it is too late in my wife's mind for me to start working on saving our marriage now.
I understand your pain. This is definitely a time in our life when we need God in our lives more than ever before.
Sorry to hear that. But you are both young. When she said she wanted to experience more from life, she was probably being honest. She probably didn't experience life at all and that is eating away at her. This is a common issue and unfortunately hearts do get broken because of it. Not to minimize your pain, but one positive is that at least this did not happen 10 years down the road when kids are in the picture. Because if she stayed the course now, eventually this probably was gonna happen. Posted via Mobile Device
When she says she wants to experience more of life and do what she wants to do, I completely understand her. I don't believe she is lying. She went from being in college and still living in that type of constrained environment, to being married right away, and though I hate the term, was never able to "find herself".
It's not an excuse, but it is certainly a temptation with validity. I personally can't wrap my mind around committing to your God and your husband to do the best you can for the rest of your life....and then still walking away. Marriage changes everything. I'm not trying to smart, but that's why there is no "strength" in living together without being married....you've simply said you love each other, and that's it. Why not step up and commit to each other in public? Before your family? Before God?
Someone mention the "wise as serpents and innocent as doves" verse earlier. I agree, it's simply hard to know how far to take it. It says in the Bible not to be a doormat; not to let people walk all over you. She's not walking all over me; she's simply making decisions that are ending our marriage and moving her slowly away.
She knows me. She has commented to me not even 2 weeks ago that she knows that my love for her does not run out. I don't want to play psychology games with her - it certainly seems like if you "acted" like you were done with the whole situation and weren't going to let it affect you, the whole "you don't know what you got til it's gone" attitude could play out. My acting like I don't care if she leaves could psychologically maybe make her feel differently as in, "He is getting over me! He's not as hurt if I leave!" - and that may make them reevaluate their decision. But that doesn't fix the core, and that's not what God calls us to do anyways. He says if we love someone, we are supposed to love them, and that's it. Not try to act a certain way to get a certain reaction out of them, no matter how hard it may be. Believe me, it's a killer to my pride to tell her that I love her, and at the same time know that she doesn't want to be with me.
I can't even begin to explain, because she twists herself from one attitude to the next so much. It's not just positive thinking, but there are certainly things about my wife where I truthfully don't believe that she thinks that she deserves someone as good as myself. She puts on a good face like she has a wonderful self image, but it's an act. She has hung on to some bad things from her past that I know she has never gotten over, and it has absolutely caused some of the problems we are going though now. I type and type, but always come to the conclusion that I could write a book on our relationship, and it still wouldn't completely solve things. The Lord understand me. The Lord understands her. And that's all I need to have trust in.
It's been great getting things out there. I would love to hear what anyone has to say.
Hey it's Friday! It's the weekend. I have no plans - no one to share it with. One of the hardest parts is that she has found this group of single girls at her grad school program that she can be with a go out with and do whatever she wants - while I am left to now be the single man in the group of all of our married friends. I still have these friends, but....it's completely different to have 2 couples hang out...then to just have me...and that same couple hang out...no matter how good of friends we are. Completely different dynamic.
For sure, she is envious of these girls. They have no restraints. The decisions they make are up to them, and no one else. That is what she is craving. She has wanted that freedom for so long, I think she is just going to roll with it and see what happens.
But I know that it won't be fulfilling. That's not just positive thinking; it won't be. I have full confidence that she may not have had herself figured out during our marriage, but this certainly is not "who she really is" either.
The Lord doesn't come and slap us on the head and tell us to "wake up". He gives us free will. I loved the example of the prodigal son that someone made - it fits her to a "t". She wants everything right now. Freedom to do what she wants, no restraints for money or friends or actions of anything. Right now! I don't want her to hit rock bottom, but in the same way, I want her to hit the low point to see the error of her ways. Guys, I'm not period by any means. But I love her, and I truly know that she loves me. I don't know how to describe this over a message like this, but honest to God, I really believe that everything that is causing the stress for her is external circumstances. It's not just something between the two of us. We had some issues just like a million couples have issues. What pushes it over the top is that she lets outside circumstances affect her judgement. She can't see the future - she can only see the "right now".
I'm going to go try to work on some case write ups, and watch Parenthood. Fantastic show, we used to watch it together. She loves it too. I still love it - great stories.
I trust in the Lord with all of this. I have a job. I have food on my table. I have a roof over my head. There are so many that don't have these things. It doesn't make it that much easier, simply because I am a flawed human and I want my happiness, but it helps me see the big picture....
Prayer is key. When everything sucks worse than it ever has, pray. When you don't want to, pray. Because He's there, regardless if you feel that he is or not.
Geez I say these things, but I'm the first to admit it's hard to live it out.
It seems God gives us what we need, and he never gives us more then we can handle. With that said I suggest you distance your self. Let God deal with your wife and its time for you to take care of your self. God will help you through but you have to make the first move in working on your self.
You will never control your wife, but you can control what you will tolorate and who you want to be around. Sure Jesus would smile and give your wife a big hug, and forgive her, just like you can give your wife a big smile, wish her the best and move on. Showing her confidence in knowing God will watch her and it is now time for you to let her go and put it in Gods hands.
You may find it interesting that when you do let her go she will soon see that you will no longer be around for her. There may even be a sence of her wanting what she may no longer beable to have, and that would be you as you show her how confident you are in letting her go and letting God take care of her.
Showing this kind of confidence just may get her to think twice in what she is about to lose. So please ask God to give you strength in letting her go, to have the confidence that will alow you to distance your self from her, with the hope that she will see you moving on with out her and she will shake this fog she has and come back a better wife...knowing the grass is not always greener on the other side.
Until you let go, she will continue with this unhealthy behavior, knowing you will always be around. So start now by distancing your self.
People want what they can't have.
Respect is given to those who demand it.
Man up and pray...She will either find her way and come back or she will let you go, and then it will be God that watches over her and work his plan for her life.
The other guy she is seeing is the external influence, that and her toxic friends. You can't control this, these unhealthy relationship will continue to effect the dynamics of the marriage. Until the other man is out of the picture you should distance your self.
A couple thoughts guys. I have appreciated reading yours.
There may not be actively another man in the picture - this man is from out of state, and I know it has been an "emotional" affair for the largest aspect of it. There are times I know they may have been around each other, and I'm not saying nothing ever physical happened. The type of man this guy is, he wouldn't be getting involved with someone just to nurture them emotionally...he's about the sex. There is certainly a part of me that thinks that there was something physical that has gone on, and she has buried it so deep within herself and lied about it for so long that it has driven her crazy.
I want to say one thing, but I need to preface it with this:
I want you all to understand that I am not this weak individual. I am not hanging on my wife's every word, sitting here gong "Oh if only she would come back and say she loves me, I would take her back with open arms!"
That is not the case. She has destroyed my trust in her, and taken our marriage to a terrible low.
It has been said to distance myself. It has been said to just let her go because who knows if that may start the process of her realizing all she had, and possibly getting her act together. Maybe if I "let her go", it won't do anything either, and we will be over and done with. Anything is possible.
I think I am coming across "weak" because of the fact that if she calls, I'll still talk to her. Of she texts me, I'll text her back. I don't make her "work for it".
I am not trying to be stupid, but honestly, doesn't the Lord tell us to love our wives, sickness/health, bad times/good times, all that stuff? I understand 100% that it seems like what I may be doing is simply "putting up" with her crap and going along for the ride, but isn't it just some psychological mind game to try to push her away and let her go? I'm acting a certain way hoping to invoke a certain response out of her. I may get it, and I may not. It's actually probably been proven to work; you don't know what you got til it's gone! But is that really what the Lord would call me to do? I'm not being stubborn guys, I'm really not. I'm thinking about this with a clear mind. I'm thinking "Lord, I can either try to use my own brain to figure this out, act a certain way and hope it invokes a response in her down the road and turns out for the best (even though it may not), or I can trust You, and continue to love my wife through the tick and thin, and even though she is making bad decisions and not treating me the way that she should be treating her husband at all, swallowing my pride and doing it".
I'm not prideful, and I'm also not naive. I have one objective here: just one. How does the Lord want me to move forward and treat this situation?
I do want to say that if I knew she was actively seeing another man, I would completely take myself out of the picture. That is a whole other ball game, and I believe the Lord would respect that.
Someone may say "Well dude, of course she doesn't respect you! She feels like she can do whatever she wants and you'll still love her!"
Loving someone is opening up to them in a way where they have the opportunity to take advantage of your love, but they don't. My wife is currently taking advantage of mine. Yes. Absolutely. Does that really mean I should stop? I don't feel the Lord would want me to do it. Honestly, this is not a cry from me because I don't want to be on my own or something like that. I know 100% there could be another woman for me down the road - one that I don't have all this crap with - one that I could start fresh with.
But geez - is that really the way to go about this? A ring means something, a vow means something.
Guys, I know I go on and on. It's not something we will solve on here - just tossing around ideas and thoughts. It's just helpful for me to type it all out. Thanks for reading.
1) You can be like the prophet Hosea and remain married to her while she parties, runs around, abuses drugs and alcohol, gives her body to other men (and maybe women), and mocks you and your marriage. Hosea remained married to his wife specifically because God asked him to do so, so that his life could be a metaphor for the enduring, forgiving love that God had for Isreal, which was in constant rebellion towards him.
Is God specifiucally leading you to remain married to her while she continually disrepects you? Only you and God know that answer.
2) Now, Biblically if you do divorce her, you can not remarry until she dies. I believe that rule is in the New Testament. So, if you do give her the boot, and if you strictly adhere to Biblical teaching, you must remain celibate until she dies, or, returns to you.
Either way you're in for a world of hurt. But don't take my word for it. See a pastor or scholar who can give you a better more accurate insight on this.
I feel for you brother and I will pray for you. Go to my profile and send me a private message if you need to just talk or vent.