I don't think its anything that you need to express to her verbally. What she wants to see is that you are becoming a more independent person, one that she does not feel she has to bolster up and coddle all the time.
You'll know the minute you meet with her on Monday if she is serious or not.
If she seems contrite and ready to work on it, then just let her be. Be polite, available and cheerful, but don't follow her around, don't be her servant, don't be grabby or clingy, don't hang on her every word. Make her do 50% the work. Do a "180 Light". Don't push, don't over-engage. Stay frosty.
And don't wait around for her validation. Don't ask for her permission to go out and do things for yourself. Just go, and tell her what you're doing on the way out the door. Let her ask you if she wants to come along. She needs to see that you are becoming independent and self-validating.
7-
You mentioned what she was willing to do, and the changes she needs to make when she moves back.
Look at it in a different way..... inform her of your boundries and what you will tolorate and what the consequences will be...a warning if you will.
My thinking is telling some one what you expect from them is useless. You can't control them, they will alway tell you that "they tried" or "there not good enough no matter what the do".
But if you go back into this with your boundries and the consequence for disrespecting them, then this R will be more effective then giving her your expectation of her.
Once you inform her of the walls you have put up to protect you from futher emotional pain and what you will need to do if these boundries are crossed, well then it is a warning of sorts that lets her know that you have your terms that need to be met through her actions and reserve the right to recind any dicision, due to her past betrayal.
Can she make the changes to help you heal? What are her new boundries? What are the walls she will put up to protect her marriage?
Bottom line here is you both have boundries that must be address before she comes back.
Bandit,
I kind of came to the same conclusion and said nothing. I have remained a little “frosty”. I have remained polite and cheerful as well. Don’t worry about the “nice guy” stuff. That ended a while ago. I am definitely not engaging her anymore. I think she is confused by this. Recently, she keeps coming to me and asking “How am I doing” I say I am fine. I don’t ask for any help with anything, I don’t initiate any affection; I don’t share much of anything. I am not cold; I just don’t bring things up. . I have only called her once during this separation, she has initiated all contact.
Also, I have been reconnecting with my hobbies and social life. Occasionally, I will get tagged on FB for at some event and she always asks about it. I just give her the short version
The momentum has changed, but it has mostly changed for me internally, not because of anything she is doing or not doing. I guess that is the point of the 180. I don’t need her validation anymore. It seems that her reaction is a result of me mentally accepting that this marriage may be over. I don’t mean that in a negative way but it is what I had to do to get myself back on track. It feels good.
Next week will be interesting. I am sure I will need everyone’s input on how to handle it. It could be a start towards recovery for us or like many have suggested it could be something else.
“My thinking is telling some one what you expect from them is useless. You can't control them, they will alway tell you that "they tried" or "there not good enough no matter what the do".
But if you go back into this with your boundries and the consequence for disrespecting them, then this R will be more effective then giving her your expectation of her.”
I guess we will have to have some conversation before she moves back in about this. It may be hard as she won’t be back until Sunday and if everything stays the same as we have discussed she will be moving back in on Monday.
Next week will be interesting. I am sure I will need everyone’s input on how to handle it. It could be a start towards recovery for us or like many have suggested it could be something else.
Sounds like you have a plan. Just make sure you stick with it. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya. Godspeed!
Are you sure you are willing to work on this marriage? Even if she is willing its going to take the both of you. Why such a curt answer as THX. Were you telling her you could care less or am I misreading this. I whould think both of you should be looking forward to reuniting.
It is just that after a year of my wife’s complete withdraw from the marriage and now a separation. I will not feel secure in believing anything until it is no longer words. She has said a bunch of things but doing anything about them is the problem. That is my main reservation about her coming back; it wont work unless we both do some work.
Thx, was not meant to be sh*tt&%. Just trying to keep my 180 up.
Are you sure you are willing to work on this marriage? Even if she is willing its going to take the both of you. Why such a curt answer as THX. Were you telling her you could care less or am I misreading this. I whould think both of you should be looking forward to reuniting.
He's feeling his way through the 180 Chap. Ease up a little. No one does the program perfectly. Posted via Mobile Device
He's feeling his way through the 180 Chap. Ease up a little. No one does the program perfectly. Posted via Mobile Device
Myself included. I sent my sybxw a message this morning about some blood test results I received and an update on a family member. We agreed to keep each other informed and that's all I shared, apart from wishing her a good weekend (helping to organize an event in town). That was it. She responded back, nothing hinting at getting back together. I've let go of that dream, in my case, but 7, I wish you the very best wishes in yours.
Just remember we women over analyze things to death... if you are too short she may think you aren't interested. In the beginning of our 'fight' separation we talked SOO Much but now it's like we have both gone dark. I have gone darker because he wouldn't even do MC (and I scheduled it the way he wanted me too) which was telling me he isn't committed.
If you were my H and we were talking about a R I think it would be an encouraging sign if you sent me a positive text... like have a nice weekend w/ the girls.
Nothing big... but showing her you are thinking about her.
He's feeling his way through the 180 Chap. Ease up a little. No one does the program perfectly. Posted via Mobile Device
I didn't mean to critisize. He just sounded to me like he wasn't all that enthusiastic. The 180 is a strong weapon and is not used in its entirety when reconciling. At least many here say that. It makes you strong and independent but it also disengages you from your spouse and can also kill a relationship according to some posters.
Married man sex life, man up threads, "His Needs Her Needs" and other relationship tools are what most recommend. Communication and the difference(gulf) between men and women are the hurdle now. IMHO
Wishing you all the best for a successful R. We need more around here.
Have you read almostrecovered and theguy's threads?
It is definitely a balancing act for me now. I spent a year doing everything I could. Did all the stuff you are not supposed to do. I never doubted my resolve until recently. I actually just kind of let let it go and I was starting to feel normal. Good actually.
Having said that; I do love my wife more than anything, I really want it to work out. It is confusing; I don’t know how to describe where I am at. Anger maybe. One day I am optimistic and the next I am thinking about the last year and I am the BS too. WTF. It has been a roller coaster but you guys know that. Up down.
I sent a short text and told her to have fun. Thanks for the woman’s perspective Mamatomany I need it.
Yes, I have read 3 of Harley’s books, MMSL, and a bunch of others. It has all been helpful. This site has been great too.
My biggest issue with your wife going off with these women is that she is bisexual (if I read your original thread correctly). Hope she's not sleeping with one of them?
7Cities please don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever thought that she may have completely switched teams and is just trailing you along for the financial support while having her fun with another woman on the side? I hope this is not the case.
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Re: Is it best to let her make all contact? 
