Is it best to let her make all contact?

bandit.45 · 02-27-2012, 07:31 AM

Quote:

We can’t do what we have been doing for the last 12 months. It doesn’t work. We need to really commit to each other. I feel like I have remained committed for the last 12 months and she has only been half in.

I think this is the core of your problem. You have a wife who is a flake and who is stringing you along.

I would demand mariage counseling for both of you, weekly. And I would also set a time limit for yourself on all this. If by a ceratin date down the road no progress has been made, then ask her to leave and continue on with divorce. No sense in wasting the best years of your life on a flake.

Oh, and wear your cup.

Mamatomany · 02-27-2012, 07:40 AM

7, I am w/ Daisy, MC would be a must for me. Only because I think after such a disconnect someone who specializes in MC and R will know a better path than I would. Have you all been dating?
I would hope the discussion is not about re-hashing, but rebuilding and course of action for re-building.

I would also want transparency... both ways.

Personally, one of the things I have read about that also interested me is time alone even if it's 30 mins a day and not necessarily late because then we are too tired. My H and I didn't have much at all and it's what really hurt us (I think). In one of the books I read it asked for each person to come up w/ 3 things the other person could do better for their spouse and 3 things that you'd like more of from your partner... little exercises like this I thought would be useful (if only I used them earlier in the marriage. I hope to use them in the future).

I think it's actually a really good thing that you all are talking about the move in, before she does it but I totally understand the nerves of 'what if' she changes her mind or something.

There are two of you on TAM that have your wives on their way to moving back in... Good luck!

daisygirl 41 · 02-29-2012, 05:03 AM

Hi 7,
Any update?
Hope the silence means good news and not bad.
Thinking of you
DG

7cities · 03-02-2012, 10:08 AM

Sorry for dropping out for a while. Just trying to absorb all the advice and trying and make the right decisions.

Don't know if this counts as an update but.....

The meeting went OK I guess. She said that she is moving back in Friday (today).

The week has been a rollercoaster ride for me, t I have not been able to shake the feelings that it is already over.

We had a phone conversation that did not go so well on Weds. I expressed to her that this whole situation is really messed up. We are going to try to reconcile but first:

You had to go on a girls only trip for 4 days
Then we meet and you say that you will move back in 5 more days

WTF

It has been all I can do to not tell her to forget about it, what’s the point? If the roles were reversed I would be home that day. Something inside me tells me that she just wants to do this so as to absolve herself of the guilt that she feels. My wife really has some problems going on and they seem to be getting worse not better.

She told me that she was going to use this time away to get herself healthy and stop drinking and try to work on her problems. From everything I know; she has not done anything. I know she is struggling internally she is still a mess.

So this is very strange. I have not heard from her today. No call that “hey- I am moving back in and I can’t wait to see you blah blah blah” Nothing. I suppose I will hear from her at some point but so far nothing. I guess I will just leave work and drive home and I will know when I get there. She still seems indifferent, detached and I really question her motivations at this point.

7cities · 03-02-2012, 10:11 AM

Bandit,

The cup is on all the time these days.

Read your thread, thanks for the Inspiration.

Mamatomany · 03-02-2012, 10:48 AM

It counts as an update:-)

Good luck!

7cities · 03-02-2012, 10:56 AM

Thanks mamatomany-I will post once I know what is going on.

bandit.45 · 03-02-2012, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7cities

Bandit,

The cup is on all the time these days.

Read your thread, thanks for the Inspiration.

Sounds like she's flaking out again by not calling you to say when she's moving in today. Don't be surprised if she doesn't show. If she doesn't, I'd change the locks and tell her you changed your mind and you no longer wish to be married to an immature flake.

Flakey, flakity flake.
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Shaggy · 03-02-2012, 02:48 PM

Honestly it sounds like she is taking the time to be with someone else before giving you another spin.

Is it possible there is another person and that other person is moving away, going on deployment? Something?

She's slowly moving back in some day... That's someone the the fence, not someone trying to make it work.
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chapparal · 03-02-2012, 05:08 PM

How much of a drinking problem does she have? What were her problems she was working on?

Don't hesitate to lead. Show enthusiasim and she can pick up on it. If you do not act happy she is back she won't be back long. Give it 110% and you will have no regrets.

daisygirl 41 · 03-09-2012, 04:35 PM

Hi 7
Just wondering how things were going for you?
DG
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7cities · 03-12-2012, 02:40 PM

Daisy,

Update coming tomorrow. I have had some crazy work stuff going on during the last week.

daisygirl 41 · 03-12-2012, 03:34 PM

Thank god!
Thought you'd fallen off the face of the earth!!! Lol
Hope it's good news 7
X
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7cities · 03-14-2012, 06:36 AM

Sorry for dropping out for a while. Work has been crazy and I kind of wanted to wait a while and see where things were going before posting.

Well, my wife has been back for almost two weeks now. All and all, I think things have gone well mostly.

I had written a long post last night and then decided not to post it. I think I really don’t know what to post until more time has passed. Things seem to be going in the right direction but it has appeared that way in the past as well. I don’t want to get burned again so I am just trying to be a good husband and see where it goes. I am discovering that maybe I am a little conflicted.

She is certainly not withdrawn like she has been for the last 10 months and I feel she is really trying to reconnect. I guess it is a process that is going to have to play out. She seems conflicted too but she also seems committed to work on the marriage.

She has shown affection a lot more since she has been back although we have not been intimate since she has been back or for several months.

Well, that’s it. I am still feeling good about where I am at. My wife seems to be doing better although there seems to be a lingering depression that continues although it does appear that it is waning.

Don’t know where we are going but at least things seem to be getting a little better.

Mamatomany · 03-14-2012, 10:31 AM

Glad to hear things are progressing.
I think it is totally normal to have conflicting feelings... work through them however you can. If the conflict is fixable, fix them if not learn to let them go.

Cheering you and your wife on...