Glad to have a positive update 7
Sounds like your are doing all the right things.
If things do go well you probably wont want to come on here so much but wold love to have an update now and again.
We are all hoping for a positive outcome for you and i think we all need to hear a success story
DG
Its time for some sexual bonding. The chemical/hormone exchange is crucial. Be strong, courageous and take her. Don't let inertia defeat you. Do not delay.
I agree. Unfortunately, we are not there yet. After a year of rejection I am having trouble initiating. This is a big problem for me. I do know that we need to do something about this soon. I have been incredibly resolute with trying to work things out up until recently but something has changed with me. I am not gonna beg for it and the clock keeps ticking……..
I agree. Unfortunately, we are not there yet. After a year of rejection I am having trouble initiating. This is a big problem for me. I do know that we need to do something about this soon. I have been incredibly resolute with trying to work things out up until recently but something has changed with me. I am not gonna beg for it and the clock keeps ticking……..
If she moved back in,she is waiting on you. She won't initiate the first time. See the last couple of wwks of Daily Grind's thread.
DailyGrind's situation is very different. For one thing, 7cities wife actually cheated, while with DG's wife its hard to say fir sure. Also, a LOT had to happen in the six months previously to get to that point. Posted via Mobile Device
Also, she told me this morning that she wanted to go to the local St Patrick ’s Day event. It is basically, a day of drinking and debauchery. I hate to be overly sensitive but this $hi+ is starting to make me insane. I continue to hang by a thread and she is again going out on another girls only event.
I don’t think this is what I was thinking about when I was thinking we were going to move forward with our marriage. I guess I need to bring this up again for the thousandth time / or not.
So move in was delayed for a girls only weekend, night out with the girls last weekend to a bar I have never been to and now the ol St Patrick’s Day event. Men are never invited although some husbands show up, apparently just not me.
Also, she told me this morning that she wanted to go to the local St Patrick ’s Day event. It is basically, a day of drinking and debauchery. I hate to be overly sensitive but this $hi+ is starting to make me insane. I continue to hang by a thread and she is again going out on another girls only event.
I don’t think this is what I was thinking about when I was thinking we were going to move forward with our marriage. I guess I need to bring this up again for the thousandth time / or not.
So move in was delayed for a girls only weekend, night out with the girls last weekend to a bar I have never been to and now the ol St Patrick’s Day event. Men are never invited although some husbands show up, apparently just not me.
WTF
Definitely tell her ... say I'd like to go with or I'd like to spend it with you and make the day special.
I love a good party but I'd do anything to be on a date w/ my H on St Pat's day.
So she's going out partying on ST Pats and you are not invited. Would you have wanted to go? I am a firm believer in no GNOs. They are worse than long distance relationships. This is a dealbreaker for me.
See, this is the crap I'm talking about! She has no intention of working on R. She doesn't want you coming because she expects that something is going to happen at this event that she does not want you finding out about.
I'm sorry she's putting you through this 7. You need to quit p*ssy-footing around and tell her how this behavior makes you feel.
Here she is, a gal with substance abuse issues, a confirmed cheater, already wanting to go out and party again after ditching you two weekends ago. If she were serious about rebuilding a relationship with you she would not be backing you into a corner this way.
Tell her how you feel. Tell her that it is hard for you to feel like she is serious about R when she goes off on her GNOs like this. Tell her that you are not going to forbid her to go, that she is her own person and can make her own decisions, but that to go without inviting you to come along is a slap in your face and deal breaker.
Then if she does defy you, very calmly tell her that she has given you her answer, that she is not welcome back to your house and that her packed bags will be waiting for her at the door.
7, I want this to work for you so I can have hope... I do agree w/ Bandit here though. If she wants to R she needs to work on it and another GNO so soon isn't really necessary. She should be showing you that YOU are priority.
If she wants to go out it should be the two of you not her and the girls.
I came home from work yesterday and my wife wanted to talk. The sum of our conversation is that she is still incredibly angry with me regarding a specific couple of years when I withdrew from the marriage.
She is referring to a period of what I would say was about 18 months (she would argue that it was longer) where I was experiencing some pretty severe depression. I own a business and things have been extremely tough for the last couple of years. The economy really affected our business and apparently took a big toll on me/ us as well.
During this time I withdrew from her. I withdrew from pretty much everything. She ended up having to take on more responsibilities at home and at work. I was oblivious of the strain I was putting her through. In retrospect, I am completely ashamed that I allowed this to happen. Depression is a funny thing though, it is a downward spiral and it is hard to get out of the cycle. You don’t really recognize that you are getting more and more depressed when it is happening. It just happens. (my opinion) I have experienced depression like this once before when I was younger but this time it was pretty intense. The worst I have ever experienced. I don’t use this as an excuse but it is what happened and it is very important in understanding our situation and what helped lead us to where we are now.
This continued for some time until the day last year when she told me she “needed space and time to work on herself” / “she did not feel the same about me anymore”.
As strange as it sounds, I feel that on that day when those words were spoken to me I snapped back into reality. It wasn’t that the depression instantly went away but the fog instantly lifted for me. So I have been doing great with dealing with the depression and really have got myself together but then…..
So I was out of the depression cycle. Of course, once I discovered her affairs it was now the anxiety cycle. So now I was on the anxiety roller coaster. They both suck.
So during our talk last night she tells me that she is not a “caretaker” type person. She said she is still incredibly angry at me for this situation. She presents it as if I intentionally did this. I feel that she does not understand where I was at and how severely depressed I really was. To this day, I don’t think she has acknowledged this as having any relevance to our situation. She minimizes it every time I bring it up. I don’t use this as an excuse but it is what happened. I am not proud of it but I can’t go back and change it. I take responsibility for it and I am trying to own it but I can’t change what I have already done. I feel like she has taken this one period of my life and now only looks at me as I was during that time.
She goes on to tell me that I asked her to change certain things about herself over the years and that she made a lot of changes. She said she made honest efforts to make some changes in herself. This is true, I did ask her to change some aspects of her personality but mostly small stuff. She can be kind of cold and hard at times and mostly I would just present my point of view on certain situations. An example would be something like “don’t yell at the waiter, he is just trying to do his job” That’s not the best example but stuff like that.
She says at some point she lost her self in trying to please me. So at some point last year she said “F#*k that, I am just going to worry about myself.”
The affairs started at that time.
This was a really big deal for her as she thought she had to “change” herself. I never asked her to change; I didn’t try to control her. I really feel that I didn’t but she feels otherwise. In talking with her last night I discovered that this is a huge, huge, huge deal for her.
So she goes on to tell me that she cannot get over her anger because I have not recognized that I put her through these things. I don’t agree but I don’t know how to validate her on this issue. I have apologized; I have told her that I am ashamed, I have told her that never intentionally did anything to hurt her. Nothing seems to be enough. I am sincere and I am truly sorry.
It seems as if she is keeping some kind of score card. She feels this episode went on for 2 – 3 years. I disagree but if it is what she thinks- what can I do. She minimizes what I have been through regarding her affairs. That makes me extremely angry / frustrated. It seems that she wants me to have to go through this for 2 -3 years to even the score.
She seems that she can’t let go of her anger until she feels that I have validated her. I feel that I have and I am trying to do so every time we speak about it.
I feel that she still has no remorse for what she put me through. $#it, I don’t even thing she really acknowledges it.
I asked her to try and understand where I am coming from. I also asked her what would you do if I did the same thing that you did and I had an affair with another man and another woman? She said we would not be together. Nice double standard. I get it though.
By the end of the night last night I ended up telling her that if you doesn’t believe me then I don’t know what else to do. Maybe we should just go ahead and move on separately. She then tells me that I won’t feel this way tomorrow (today). Well, I am conflicted.
So sorry for the rambling, another night with little sleep so it is hard to put this all together. Oh, and of course I am still sleeping alone.
I feel completely trapped and do not see a way out of this. I love my wife, I want this to work but I am losing all hope.
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Re: Is it best to let her make all contact? 
