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7cities 02-17-2012 04:54 PM

Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
My wife and I have been separated for several weeks. She had an affair almost a year ago. I decided I wanted to work it out and she expressed that she wanted to try. I believe there has been no contact since D day or shortly after. We have been mostly struggling since. Some good weeks some bad. Very little intimacy. She has been having a really hard time.

She says she canít work on herself and the marriage at the same time.

Question. Is it best to do the 180 during this time? I have not been calling/ texting her. I have tried to be positive and go about my life. I try to leave all contact up to her. I am trying to not bring up the relationship and donít talk about it unless she brings it up.

She had said she needed a minimum amount of time to remain separated which will be up in a couple of days. I was planning to not even say anything about it and just wait (not forever) and see what happens.

tacoma 02-17-2012 05:03 PM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 7cities (Post 593935)
My wife and I have been separated for several weeks. She had an affair almost a year ago. I decided I wanted to work it out and she expressed that she wanted to try. I believe there has been no contact since D day or shortly after. We have been mostly struggling since. Some good weeks some bad. Very little intimacy. She has been having a really hard time.

She says she canít work on herself and the marriage at the same time.

Question. Is it best to do the 180 during this time? I have not been calling/ texting her. I have tried to be positive and go about my life. I try to leave all contact up to her. I am trying to not bring up the relationship and donít talk about it unless she brings it up.

She had said she needed a minimum amount of time to remain separated which will be up in a couple of days. I was planning to not even say anything about it and just wait (not forever) and see what happens.

Don`t say a thing about it.

You have to move on as if you were really moving on because you very well may be.

If she wants to stop that train she knows what she has to do.

7cities 02-17-2012 05:22 PM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Tacoma,

Thanks. That is what I am trying to do.

I am trying to both move forward and hope the best for my relationship.

canguy66 02-17-2012 05:44 PM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 7cities (Post 593935)
She says she canít work on herself and the marriage at the same time.

Wow... that sounds familiar. Mine left because of that, and that she was unhappy... but does not know what makes her happy.

If that's the case, I recommend 180 rules, and that you move forward.

Wondering... if you both wanted to try, have you seen an MC?

7cities 02-17-2012 06:26 PM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Canguy-

Mine is unhappy but it stems from me disconnecting from her while trying to run a business in such a great economy.

But yes, mine does not seem to know what will make her happy either.

I am trying to stay 180. I does seem to be having an effect. I have not really been in control enough until recently to really apply it so I guess it is working for making me better. I feel in control of me now.

She tried IC. She saw two different ones and both told her she needed to be happy, and should separate. We saw one MC for 3 sessions and another for 3 sessions. When we saw them (5-6 months ago) she was definitely not ready. She didn’t have much to say so there was no way we were going to get anywhere. I think she is better now and we could get somewhere but now we are separated.

It’s tough. I love her and want it to work out but I kinda gotta try and take care o me for now.

More limbo, limbo, limbo, limbo.

bandit.45 02-17-2012 06:42 PM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Quote:

I am trying to stay 180. I does seem to be having an effect. I have not really been in control enough until recently to really apply it so I guess it is working for making me better. I feel in control of me now.
That's what it is all about: making you strong and self-validating. What effect it has on her is not the issue. You cannot control her or her decisions, so let it go.

The 180 has helped me tremendously! Just hang in there. I am not really a church going man, but I will pray for you and your happiness, whether that means reunification with your wife or not. :o

7cities 02-17-2012 07:24 PM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Bandit

I hear you. The 180 is helping. I was paralyzed for 6 months. It seemed everything I did turned out opposite of what I was trying to accomplish. The 180 is the real deal. She is responding to it and I am not even doing anything but trying to get myself back on track. Strange.

I am not the most religious man either but I sure have been doing a lot of praying!

sadwithouthim 02-17-2012 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7cities (Post 594058)
Bandit

I hear you. The 180 is helping. I was paralyzed for 6 months. It seemed everything I did turned out opposite of what I was trying to accomplish. The 180 is the real deal. She is responding to it and I am not even doing anything but trying to get myself back on track. Strange.

I am not the most religious man either but I sure have been doing a lot of praying!

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7cities (Post 594058)
Bandit

I hear you. The 180 is helping. I was paralyzed for 6 months. It seemed everything I did turned out opposite of what I was trying to accomplish. The 180 is the real deal. She is responding to it and I am not even doing anything but trying to get myself back on track. Strange.

I am not the most religious man either but I sure have been doing a lot of praying!

Can i ask what makes a man want to work on their marriage after their wife's affair even when the wife pushes away? I'm just curious. Is it really true love for that person that makes you want to fight for your marriage? I'm just trying to understand my husbands thought process. There was no infidelity when he left our 22 year relationship. My story is strange but it makes me wonder why he wouldn't try working on our marriage. I wonder if his love for me just wasn't as strong.

I hope you find the strength in yourself to keep working on yourself.
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calvin 02-17-2012 09:41 PM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
For me it was true love and I knew my wife was in fantasy land with ex high school bf,so unlike her,she re-wrote much of our history.Gald ( I guess) that the EA never reached the point of a PA,she was in a fog big time.She's been out of it for a few weeks now and cant understand why she did this.So yes it was love.It was extremely hard and I had to fight my ass off,thought it was'nt going to end.she realizes this and is back in but yes the love I have for her mad me fight tooth and nail for her
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7cities 02-18-2012 06:37 AM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Sadwithouthim,

I love her. Although there have been times over the last 12 months when I didn’t love who she currently was. She was in the fog for many months. Crazy is the only word that describes the things she said and the way she acted. She is now in withdraw and has been depressed. Its hard.

I had to make sure that I was honest with myself about trying to work this out. I had to keep asking myself if I was trying to work things out for the right reasons. I feel good now that I am holding on because of l love her and because of my commitment for her. It still may not work out. I don’t want someone to stay with me that doesn’t really love me.

7cities 02-18-2012 06:51 AM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Calvin,

Same here. I have been fighting my a%$ off too. Months and months of it. She has told me that she has recognized how hard I have been fighting and that she appreciates it.

Now that we are separated it has been easier. I don’t know if that is good or not. I certainly feel better. I also know if the separation continues for too long that we will only disconnect more and it will be easier to just divorce so I am torn on what to do. I guess 180 for a couple of weeks.

I am still hoping that she will decide she wants to move back home. I am not betting the farm on it, but it is what I hope.

The history rewrite has been really hard. It is not as bad now as it was but man it has been tough. My wife has totally re-wrote our complete life together. It will make you crazy. I just started telling her that that is not the way I remember it. She is doing it less now but obviously it is still there. She has not turned the corner yet and I don’t know if she will.

This is me 02-18-2012 07:44 AM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 7cities (Post 594329)
Sadwithouthim,

I love her. Although there have been times over the last 12 months when I didnít love who she currently was. She was in the fog for many months. Crazy is the only word that describes the things she said and the way she acted. She is now in withdraw and has been depressed. Its hard.

I had to make sure that I was honest with myself about trying to work this out. I had to keep asking myself if I was trying to work things out for the right reasons. I feel good now that I am holding on because of l love her and because of my commitment for her. It still may not work out. I donít want someone to stay with me that doesnít really love me.

7, I can relate to much of what you say. No PA but mine likely had an EA, disconnected and then said she was through, 3 times over the past year. She has been in a fog that I think all stems from chemical / mid life issues. Seperated 4 months now.

I am sure many of my friends and family are saying why is he still hanging on, but like you I still love her and do not want to walk away without knowing I tried all I could.

Some hope as she has come home 3 weekends to stay. About a month ago I was done with full limbo and said we are either going to try to see how we are together, or I will need to move on.

I talked with someone yesterday who said they just completed their divorce. I had no idea she was going through it. I told her my seperation situation and that we were still working on it and she said to do all you can to not go through divorce if you can.

From what I have read, most people are not happier after divorce.

7cities 02-18-2012 08:19 AM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
This is me,

I totally agree with you in that I am not walking away without doing all I can as well. I know my old marriage is dead. That is fine, I am ready to build something new and better. I still don’t know if I will get that chance but I am ready.

Friends and confidants are also wonder why I am hanging on and why don’t I just move on.

I hope that I can hang on through the separation and not disconnect from her further. It is weird that as I seem to get better and move forward part of me is incrementally disconnecting from wife further. If it were to work out then I am going to have to do some work to reconnect with her. It has nothing to do with the fact that I love her, it is that in protecting myself I am having to let her go.

Mamatomany 02-18-2012 08:26 AM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
7, She's the one that left don't contact her. She wants space let her have it. Try to find enjoyment while she is finding herself, you'll be better for it more attractive to her and others.

7cities 02-18-2012 09:41 AM

Re: Is it best to let her make all contact?
 
Mamatomany

Thanks. That is where I am at. One day at a time.


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