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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 02-19-2012, 01:28 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Be careful about appearently independant woman. Make sure she is happy and engaged in her work. Sometimes an apparently independent women is looking for a way out of working. Look out for red flags like job dissatisfaction, complaints about difficulties in the workplace. The level of sucess and advancement is another indicator. Plans for future success is another.
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Old 02-19-2012, 01:30 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Can,
You are right, I am a fellow nice guy. only the last year did I truly define myself through my wife, that is why this is all the more devastating to me. I have looked inward a lot, realized that the last year I was the one driving the emotional train, feeling that if I made her happy she would in return make me happy. That wasn't the case. I was doing it for the wrong reasons. Instead of making her happy because I wanted to, I was doing it in hopes that she would make me happy back. I've realized that from now on I have to do things because I want to, that it is okay for my needs to be met as well. To your point about reconciliation, no I don't think I could trust her emotionally again. She seems to have taken a big jump into this new person. The person she used to be was amazing, but I realize that person is long gone now. I can see all the changes she made was about getting validation from other people, she started to enjoy the way other men look at her, hit on her, telling her she is pretty. It wasn't important to her when I thought she was pretty. I would tell her she was sexy, beautiful, etc, she would say I have to say that. Still, she had a year to get over this, I've only been dealing with it for two months now. Not a fair time comparison.

Catherine to your point, it's not just the physical itch that I'm wanting to satisfy, it was the emotional connection I used to share with my wife as well. Whether it was lovemaking, sex, or pure physical raw togetherness, there was still always an aspect of emotional connection for me, even during drunk sex. We knew each other so well, 11 years worth. All the vulnerabilities were out there, accepted, and was good. I used to say we could both be blindfolded and we would still know how to please each other. I crave and miss that, what's more it's the feeling of rejection on her part that she doesn't want me anymore, that she doesn't crave that anymore from me. Eventually she will want that from another guy, and I will just be a fleeting memory if that (save for the kids). What really sucks is I've always had a thing for women with dark hair, but now I think that would be too painful of a reminder of her. I miss the sex, but I also miss the hand holding, the hugging, deep kissing, cuddling, I'm a very physical affectionate person.
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Old 02-19-2012, 03:18 PM   #18 (permalink)
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can't relate, h stopped wanting sex a year ago, preferring "the cure"
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Old 02-19-2012, 03:24 PM   #19 (permalink)
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You know what I just kind of realized is that the stbxw made me feel vain about how she looked, because of her dressing the way she did. The only thing I like about her now is her outward appearance, how messed up is that. I hate who she is right now, what's she's done. She's made me feel vain about how she looks, worrying about if I will attract or get another beautiful woman. I know I will. I never used to be like this, I always valued more of how a woman looked on the inside. Damn her for warping my mind as well.
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Old 02-19-2012, 03:55 PM   #20 (permalink)
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You know what I just kind of realized is that the stbxw made me feel vain about how she looked, because of her dressing the way she did. The only thing I like about her now is her outward appearance, how messed up is that. I hate who she is right now, what's she's done. She's made me feel vain about how she looks, worrying about if I will attract or get another beautiful woman.
This is insecurity, not vanity. The separation has shaken your confidence.

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I never used to be like this, I always valued more of how a woman looked on the inside. Damn her for warping my mind as well.
Sounds to me like you're blaming her for the way you feel. I understand the hurt, but when and how you move forward is your decision. You need to stop letting her and the separation have so much power over you. Proud, you need to man-up here, and that's part of the process of moving on. You need to rediscover your sense of self. A counselor, talking this out with friends, self-help books and time will all help with that.

I know you felt better about yourself a few days ago. Remember that and focus on why and how you felt inside as a person of value, as a person with a future. That's key.
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Old 02-19-2012, 04:35 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Sounds to me like you're blaming her for the way you feel. I understand the hurt, but when and how you move forward is your decision. You need to stop letting her and the separation have so much power over you. Proud, you need to man-up here, and that's part of the process of moving on. You need to rediscover your sense of self. A counselor, talking this out with friends, self-help books and time will all help with that.
'

We've been telling him this for weeks. He won't let it go. Very stubborn!
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Old 02-19-2012, 05:34 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
We've been telling him this for weeks. He won't let it go. Very stubborn!
See, Proud? It's not just me.
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